Autistic females, sexuality and vulnerability 2016-09-01

[Catlover614]

Catlover614 submitted a new resource:

Autistic females, sexuality and vulnerability - An insightful blog by Emma Dalmayne that has helped me understand my own vulnerabilities

Acceptance from the opposite sex was always a depressing concern for many autistic girls including me. I attempted to attract a boy by mimicking what I watched in movies because I was so starved for affection. I wanted desperately to be liked, and eventually loved. Guys seem to only like girls who look a certain way...and I never quite made the list. I'm too short, stubby legs, flat chested and just slightly overweight. It's so much pressure to be a supermodel which I'm definitely not! So,...

Read more about this resource...

 

[freewaydog]

Well I have gotten so much hate because I am asexual/aromantic & do not experience sexual/romantic attraction nor do I want such a relationship.

 

[Crossbreed]

Dating is a consumeristic pursuit. In my experience, it was best to just get into in-person social functions that fit me (whether or not it meant meeting a potential mate). Those settings initiate a whole slew of different-level relationships. Even if you don't meet "the one," you might impress an ineligible person who would recommend you to a friend or relative. It is networking and you don't have to be perfect at it, just visible.

Forget about supermodel looks,* your pheromones will trump those in real life. (Remember, your ancestrix, who looked like you, found a mate...!) Thankfully it isn't frequently, but my Aspie hypersensitivity has given me awkwardly strong reactions to various women that I have met (in person) and they were not supermodels, nor were they deliberately coming on to me. Once I excused myself from their presence, that effect wore off. It is a great/heady feeling when you are both eligible, but horribly awkward otherwise.

I tell my young Aspie friends that you need three features to have a realistic shot at marriage:

1. Eligibility,
2. Compatibility, in personalities, goals, world-view, etc. (This is especially important for Christians!) &
3. Mutual attraction (If your desire is unrequited, it doesn't mean that you are unlovable. It just means that this person isn't going to be the one to do so, so you can't tick off this box. I just wish that I would have figured that out when I was younger. I would have been a lot more relaxed.)

*Do not neglect your own self-care, though, like eating healthy and staying reasonably active. Self-neglect conveys a negative sense of self-worth that tends to be a turn-off even at the earlier levels of a relationship.

 

[Catlover614]

Dating is a consumeristic pursuit. In my experience, it was best to just get into in-person social functions that fit me (whether or not it meant meeting a potential mate). Those settings initiate a whole slew of different-level relationships. Even if you don't meet "the one," you might impress an ineligible person who would recommend you to a friend or relative. It is networking and you don't have to be perfect at it, just visible.

Forget about supermodel looks,* your pheromones will trump them in real life. (Remember, your ancestrix, who looked like you, found a mate...!) Thankfully it isn't frequently, but my Aspie hypersensitivity has given me awkwardly strong reactions to various women that I have met (in person) and they were not supermodels, nor were they deliberately coming on to me. Once I excused myself from their presence, that effect wore off. It is a great/heady feeling when you are both eligible, but horribly awkward otherwise.

I tell my young Aspie friends that you need three features to have a realistic shot at marriage:

1. Eligibility,
2. Compatibility, in personalities, goals, world-view, etc. (This is especially important for Christians!) &
3. Mutual attraction (If your desire is unrequited, it doesn't mean that you are unlovable. It just means that this person isn't going to be the one to do so, so you can't tick off this box. I just wish that I would have figured that out when I was younger. I would have been a lot more relaxed.)

*Do not neglect your own self-care, though, like eating healthy and staying reasonably active. Self-neglect conveys a negative view of oneself and tends to be a turn-off even at the earlier levels of a relationship.

I appreciate your input Crossbreed . Thank you. I am an obedient subservient to my common law husband who doesn't follow the Christian way like I sincerely want to do. I am a prisoner of sorts. I love Jesus with all of heart and I suppose He is using this particular time in my life to do what only He can do inside of me....strengthening me to hardships and giving me the perseverance I need to successfully walk with Him. I don't question His methods, but at the same time...it hurts bad.

 

[Warmheart]

Thanks for starting this thread, Catlover! This is a great topic. In reading other forum posts on the topic, I've noticed one thing many of us female autistics mention is being pushed into things in a relationship much faster than we feel comfortable with. Being rushed is risky when we have delayed processing, and it says that the partner we are with isn't concerned about our feelings very much. (Enough red flags to upholster a sofa!)
I think a gradual getting-to-know-each-other period is required, and something we must clearly define. A good mate will want to be mindful to pace the relationship as both feel comfortable.

Crossbreed, I really appreciate your sensible approach, what you mention makes good sense.

This is an area of life I feel disadvantaged in, despite being fit, eligible, and interested in physical yippie. Often when I go out in the community, it's with support staff, though I run some quieter errands myself. Typical dating's crowded Saturday night restaurant dinners full of sensory hoopla are non-verbal shutdowns waiting to happen. How romantic is it to thank my date for the lovely meal, using the nasal, adenoidal, electronic voice of my AAC? If the restaurant fills up too quickly, I'm a sudden flight risk. <--- happens before I know it! Really, why can't dates happen among the hushed stacks of a library? At any rate, for those of us who are pretty stimmy and not great at eye contact, it's challenging to find a mate inclined to look beyond that to find the warmth, solidity, and love within.

 

[Catlover614]

Thanks for starting this thread, Catlover! This is a great topic. In reading other forum posts on the topic, I've noticed one thing many of us female autistics mention is being pushed into things in a relationship much faster than we feel comfortable with. Being rushed is risky when we have delayed processing, and it says that the partner we are with isn't concerned about our feelings very much. (Enough red flags to upholster a sofa!)
I think a gradual getting-to-know-each-other period is required, and something we must clearly define. A good mate will want to be mindful to pace the relationship as both feel comfortable.

Crossbreed, I really appreciate your sensible approach, what you mention makes good sense.

This is an area of life I feel disadvantaged in, despite being fit, eligible, and interested in physical yippie. Often when I go out in the community, it's with support staff, though I run some quieter errands myself. Typical dating's crowded Saturday night restaurant dinners full of sensory hoopla are non-verbal shutdowns waiting to happen. How romantic is it to thank my date for the lovely meal, using the nasal, adenoidal, electronic voice of my AAC? If the restaurant fills up too quickly, I'm a sudden flight risk. <--- happens before I know it! Really, why can't dates happen among the hushed stacks of a library? At any rate, for those of us who are pretty stimmy and not great at eye contact, it's challenging to find a mate inclined to look beyond that to find the warmth, solidity, and love within.

I always LOVE reading what you write Warmheart . You have a wonderful way with words...me, not so much. I would be thrilled going to a library for a date! Thank you for replying and giving me insight in the process.

 

[Catlover614]

There are many differences between sex and love. Are you loving your partner or are you merely loving the sex with your partner? Most women enjoy seeing passionate love making scenes in movies and sometimes, we are very disappointed by our own experiences that don't compare to those scenes. There is something so sensual and beautiful when 2 consensual adults have that "Wow" chemistry. It takes time to get to know someone's body and pleasure points...we're not all the same!!! When you are in love with the person you are most intimate with, you willingly put in the time and effort into learning what your partner enjoys. Having sex JUST to have sex isn't love. Sex is a physical activity and when looking at it without any spark or chemistry, it just doesn't feel as good and I mean that literally.
I made huge mistakes by starting relationships with sex on the first date and I have learned that's NOT the way to begin a relationship. I'm speaking straight from my heart and from experience. In fact, most everything I've learned about life's experiences, didn't come from a book. I lived and learned by actual experience. I have finally arrived at middle age where I am prudent in making choices for myself.

 

[Catlover614]

 

[Catlover614]

 

[Catlover614]

 

[Rayner]

Warmheart don't worry I'm also pretty disadvantaged, you're in good company.Now do you have any more wise words of wisdom?

Thanks for starting this thread, Catlover! This is a great topic. In reading other forum posts on the topic, I've noticed one thing many of us female autistics mention is being pushed into things in a relationship much faster than we feel comfortable with. Being rushed is risky when we have delayed processing, and it says that the partner we are with isn't concerned about our feelings very much. (Enough red flags to upholster a sofa!)
I think a gradual getting-to-know-each-other period is required, and something we must clearly define. A good mate will want to be mindful to pace the relationship as both feel comfortable.

Crossbreed, I really appreciate your sensible approach, what you mention makes good sense.

This is an area of life I feel disadvantaged in, despite being fit, eligible, and interested in physical yippie. Often when I go out in the community, it's with support staff, though I run some quieter errands myself. Typical dating's crowded Saturday night restaurant dinners full of sensory hoopla are non-verbal shutdowns waiting to happen. How romantic is it to thank my date for the lovely meal, using the nasal, adenoidal, electronic voice of my AAC? If the restaurant fills up too quickly, I'm a sudden flight risk. <--- happens before I know it! Really, why can't dates happen among the hushed stacks of a library? At any rate, for those of us who are pretty stimmy and not great at eye contact, it's challenging to find a mate inclined to look beyond that to find the warmth, solidity, and love within.

 

[WereBear]

I tell my young Aspie friends that you need three features to have a realistic shot at marriage:

1. Eligibility,
2. Compatibility, in personalities, goals, world-view, etc. (This is especially important for Christians!) &
3. Mutual attraction (If your desire is unrequited, it doesn't mean that you are unlovable. It just means that this person isn't going to be the one to do so, so you can't tick off this box. I just wish that I would have figured that out when I was younger. I would have been a lot more relaxed.)

This is true of everyone, not just Aspies, but it has particular pertinence for us because we have a smaller pool to choose from in the first place. Do not waste time with people who are not going to work out.

An interesting story:

I once read a reply to an advice columnist where a woman said she finally achieved happiness in a relationship by following what she called "The Three S's." She only dated men who were Solvent, Straight, and Sober.

And my reaction was, Why on earth did it take you so long? Why would anyone do anything else? A terrible pitfall is how some people think a person is actually a home improvement project. "I like the view from the living room window so I will overlook the terrible kitchen layout. For now."

In my own case I never went to bars or concerts or the like to meet someone. I don't like doing this, why would I look for someone who does like doing this? Follow our own bliss, and we will find someone who shares these interests.

 

[Professori]

We are all pretty desperate for authentic intimacy. Well, authentic love and intimacy has little to do with sex. Sex is just that - sex, but once true relationship develops within the right context that then truly becomes 'love-making', which once again is not just about sex. What is true relationship? It is defined by authentic intimacy which is 'wholistic', including all aspects of relationship. I like to refer to authentic intimacy as 'into me see' which includes transparency and disclosure. Love can only develop and grow if you truly know me, and you cannot know me if I do not disclose the true inner person, be transparent about who I am - including good and bad. Two people have to bond deeply in this way long before he heart of love- making can be experience.

Most people do not even know themselves which complicates disclosure anyway.

Have you come across unconditional love, servant love in this day and age? Problem today is that we have so absorbed what movies and confused society have revealed as relationship and intimacy, and that is more like a contract - scratch my back and I will scratch yours, satisfy my needs and wants, but when I tire of you then I move on to find another who can provide the gratification I need. Instant gratification relationship, including that gained through sex is par for the course today, but has absolutely nothing to do with reltionship building. Quite the contrary in fact because if you give away that which is supposed to represent the heart of authentic love and intimacy so cheaply then it leaves 'relationship' without any depth at all - it is not intimacy but gratification. Instant gratification is the destroyer of authentic intimacy.

Society has such a completely warped and morphed view of what represents beauty in a human being, and most have accepted that image - all external, and even that is a very twisted reality anyway. Beauty should be in the eye of the beholder, but the beholder today is so blinded by society's image of beauty that many cannot see authentic beauty even if it smacked them in the face. People are so busy presenting an image of themselves that when they meet someone then that person falls for the image, but eventually the true person comes out, even if that person does not know himself/herself. Then comes the trouble.

As a result of the image of beauty that most accept from society, there are many, many out there who are truly beautiful, talented, intelligent, real people who actually think that they are not. True deep real beauty, talent, etc has been so rejected and even stigmatized in the face of that which is portrayed as beautiful that there is now utter confusion about the infinite value of self. The above-mentioned are the things that lead to true love, but it is an absolute rarity. Personally, I would rather have nothing if I cannot have the real deal - authentic, transparent, disclosing, walking in the light intimacy in relationship.

 

[Catlover614]

We are all pretty desperate for authentic intimacy. Well, authentic love and intimacy has little to do with sex. Sex is just that - sex, but once true relationship develops within the right context that then truly becomes 'love-making', which once again is not just about sex. What is true relationship? It is defined by authentic intimacy which is 'wholistic', including all aspects of relationship. I like to refer to authentic intimacy as 'into me see' which includes transparency and disclosure. Love can only develop and grow if you truly know me, and you cannot know me if I do not disclose the true inner person, be transparent about who I am - including good and bad. Two people have to bond deeply in this way long before he heart of love- making can be experience.

Most people do not even know themselves which complicates disclosure anyway.

Have you come across unconditional love, servant love in this day and age? Problem today is that we have so absorbed what movies and confused society have revealed as relationship and intimacy, and that is more like a contract - scratch my back and I will scratch yours, satisfy my needs and wants, but when I tire of you then I move on to find another who can provide the gratification I need. Instant gratification relationship, including that gained through sex is par for the course today, but has absolutely nothing to do with reltionship building. Quite the contrary in fact because if you give away that which is supposed to represent the heart of authentic love and intimacy so cheaply then it leaves 'relationship' without any depth at all - it is not intimacy but gratification. Instant gratification is the destroyer of authentic intimacy.

Society has such a completely warped and morphed view of what represents beauty in a human being, and most have accepted that image - all external, and even that is a very twisted reality anyway. Beauty should be in the eye of the beholder, but the beholder today is so blinded by society's image of beauty that many cannot see authentic beauty even if it smacked them in the face. People are so busy presenting an image of themselves that when they meet someone then that person falls for the image, but eventually the true person comes out, even if that person does not know himself/herself. Then comes the trouble.

As a result of the image of beauty that most accept from society, there are many, many out there who are truly beautiful, talented, intelligent, real people who actually think that they are not. True deep real beauty, talent, etc has been so rejected and even stigmatized in the face of that which is portrayed as beautiful that there is now utter confusion about the infinite value of self. The above-mentioned are the things that lead to true love, but it is an absolute rarity. Personally, I would rather have nothing if I cannot have the real deal - authentic, transparent, disclosing, walking in the light intimacy in relationship.

I really like your response. Thank you for this. I agree 100%. Inner beauty is what makes one truly beautiful.

 

[watersprite]

We are all pretty desperate for authentic intimacy. Well, authentic love and intimacy has little to do with sex. Sex is just that - sex, but once true relationship develops within the right context that then truly becomes 'love-making', which once again is not just about sex. What is true relationship? It is defined by authentic intimacy which is 'wholistic', including all aspects of relationship. I like to refer to authentic intimacy as 'into me see' which includes transparency and disclosure. Love can only develop and grow if you truly know me, and you cannot know me if I do not disclose the true inner person, be transparent about who I am - including good and bad. Two people have to bond deeply in this way long before he heart of love- making can be experience.

Most people do not even know themselves which complicates disclosure anyway.

Have you come across unconditional love, servant love in this day and age? Problem today is that we have so absorbed what movies and confused society have revealed as relationship and intimacy, and that is more like a contract - scratch my back and I will scratch yours, satisfy my needs and wants, but when I tire of you then I move on to find another who can provide the gratification I need. Instant gratification relationship, including that gained through sex is par for the course today, but has absolutely nothing to do with reltionship building. Quite the contrary in fact because if you give away that which is supposed to represent the heart of authentic love and intimacy so cheaply then it leaves 'relationship' without any depth at all - it is not intimacy but gratification. Instant gratification is the destroyer of authentic intimacy.

Society has such a completely warped and morphed view of what represents beauty in a human being, and most have accepted that image - all external, and even that is a very twisted reality anyway. Beauty should be in the eye of the beholder, but the beholder today is so blinded by society's image of beauty that many cannot see authentic beauty even if it smacked them in the face. People are so busy presenting an image of themselves that when they meet someone then that person falls for the image, but eventually the true person comes out, even if that person does not know himself/herself. Then comes the trouble.

As a result of the image of beauty that most accept from society, there are many, many out there who are truly beautiful, talented, intelligent, real people who actually think that they are not. True deep real beauty, talent, etc has been so rejected and even stigmatized in the face of that which is portrayed as beautiful that there is now utter confusion about the infinite value of self. The above-mentioned are the things that lead to true love, but it is an absolute rarity. Personally, I would rather have nothing if I cannot have the real deal - authentic, transparent, disclosing, walking in the light intimacy in relationship.

Nicely said. I think one is often left then, in this day and age and as people on the spectrum - challenged with the choice of developing the potential (or giving in to the lack thereof) of a relationship with our own self, our creativity and our special interests.

 

[Babyc]

Dating is a consumeristic pursuit. In my experience, it was best to just get into in-person social functions that fit me (whether or not it meant meeting a potential mate). Those settings initiate a whole slew of different-level relationships. Even if you don't meet "the one," you might impress an ineligible person who would recommend you to a friend or relative. It is networking and you don't have to be perfect at it, just visible.

Forget about supermodel looks,* your pheromones will trump those in real life. (Remember, your ancestrix, who looked like you, found a mate...!) Thankfully it isn't frequently, but my Aspie hypersensitivity has given me awkwardly strong reactions to various women that I have met (in person) and they were not supermodels, nor were they deliberately coming on to me. Once I excused myself from their presence, that effect wore off. It is a great/heady feeling when you are both eligible, but horribly awkward otherwise.

I tell my young Aspie friends that you need three features to have a realistic shot at marriage:

1. Eligibility,
2. Compatibility, in personalities, goals, world-view, etc. (This is especially important for Christians!) &
3. Mutual attraction (If your desire is unrequited, it doesn't mean that you are unlovable. It just means that this person isn't going to be the one to do so, so you can't tick off this box. I just wish that I would have figured that out when I was younger. I would have been a lot more relaxed.)

*Do not neglect your own self-care, though, like eating healthy and staying reasonably active. Self-neglect conveys a negative sense of self-worth that tends to be a turn-off even at the earlier levels of a relationship.

having that disorder is vulnerable, isn't it? Very special.

 

[Crossbreed]

having that disorder is vulnerable, isn't it?

I don't understand your question.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I haven't read the article or the whole thread, I just wanted to share my experience.
When younger and working in offices I used to get a lot of sexual harassment.
I hit myself because of it.
I confronted one boss about it as he wrote on my report that I lacked natural intellect.
To be fair to him, I was unknowingly projecting to him a "bimbo without provocative clothing on" and some men just cannot help themselves.
After I got the report, as the boss had an "open door policy" which meant any staff member could chat with him when he was in, I did.
He revealed to me that I appeared like "little girl lost" I told him I was actually intelligent, my lack of common sense portrayed an image as "a bit thick" to many people who have told me in a kind way.
He was surprised when I said I had five o levels, and he said that he thought hitting myself sounded like I was insecure. This was long before asperger's (self diagnosed)
His sexual harassment slowly decreased after that. I met a positive role model and matured or so I thought. I got stoned and chilled out, so I did not look so flustered and anxious at work and got down to some serious work.
His sexual harassment eventually stopped.
I did have one senior boss who in a crowded pub said to me "Do you realise I have been touching your breast" I hadn't and instead of shouting out to the whole pub Mr XXXXX is groping me everyone, I said something stupid, "You'd better take it off before I say something I regret"

 

[Crossbreed]

He was surprised when I said I had five o levels,...

What are "o levels?"

 

[Gift2humanity]

What are "o levels?"

British exam qualifications now known as GCSE's that are taken at age 16