Autistic Adult Child being manipulative (?)

[Robin242]

Hi, I have a 34 year old adult son that lives with me and he was diagnosed with Asperger’s almost 4 years ago. He keeps telling me that when I yell at the dog it causes him pain but I don’t believe him. He sent me some links and YouTube videos on how autistic people are sensitive to sound but I feel he just looked up symptoms of Asperger’s and is faking it and trying to manipulate me somehow. I don’t want to stop yelling because he himself talks very loudly. He blames it on the Asperger’s telling me that it is very common for those on the spectrum lose control of the volume of their voices. He claims autistic people don’t have the ability to tell when they talk loudly and that he can’t help talking so loud. He sent me some links about it being a symptom of autism, but again I think he’s faking it and just using his autism as an excuse. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get him to stop trying to manipulate me?

 

[Magna]

Hello.

You've known him all his life. Has he had any sensitivity to any kinds of sounds or volume before? If he didn't as a child, how about in the last five years? Sensitivities to things can actually develop later in life. Reason being: Children's brains are typically much more adaptive than adult brains.

Rest assured that you don't even have to wonder about whether or not sound sensitivity is a common challenge that many autistic people have (myself included). It's an absolute fact. The world is a very loud place for people who are sensitive to sound and even painfully so.

Talking overly loud is a trait that does happen with some autistic people. I don't talk overly loud all the time, but there are times when I do and I don't realize it. My wife will call attention to it and tell me: "You're talking really loudly right now." I will then pay attention to my volume level and purposely try to talk quieter. I would think your son should be able to try that as well. If he knows how to whisper, then I would think he could consciously try to talk at a level halfway between a whisper and his "normal" voice as an example?

Maybe I'm not understanding things completely: You yell at the dog and you want to continue yelling at the dog because your son talks loudly in general? In other words, you want to continue to yell at the dog because if you stopped doing that and your son continued to talk loudly in general then in a sense it wouldn't be fair?

I'm assuming that there's tension between you and your son or you towards your son that extends beyond his loud talking.

 

[1ForAll]

Hello, welcome to the forum, and I hope you get a variety of opinions here. But, I must say from what I know many Autistics are sound sensitive and tend to be more factual in what they say, for serious issues. My youngest with ASD, who has moderate Autism and is nonverbal mostly, is very hypersensitive to any loud sound and high pitch, and I am as well bothered mostly by loud sounds, and it is suspected I have mild ASD too. I am especially bothered by yelling , as it reminded me also of my past when I had parents yell for reasons that seemed trivial. Yelling is childish, as I see it.

Now, I admit I do not know all the situation you have at your place, but I also admit your attitude seems a bit off and harsh. You say you do not want to stop yelling. Also, you seem to not be showing empathy to how your son could be bothered by the yelling, regardless if it is because of his Aspergers or other reason. And thirdly, you are basically accusing your son not only of being manipulative, but a liar. Nothing you said that he said makes me think he is either. I am not saying Autistics cannot ever lie or be manipulative, but from what you say, I see his attitude and remarks as not confrontational and more likely the truth.

But, again, there may be much more to the story that I know, from both his perspective and yours. So, I can only make my opinions known based on the given information. Sorry if that is not the information you were looking for, but I hope you can consider your son may very well be telling the truth, and he wants you to understand him better and to show more concern with how he feels.

 

[Tom]

Yelling at or hitting a dog is useless as far as training goes. It will just make things worse.

What is the dog doing that you yell at it for?

 

[Fino]

When people yell at the dog, it causes me pain.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Disown him.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m a 35 year old with high functioning Aspergers. I look “pretty normal” on the outside but that doesn’t show all the hard work and conscious effort I have to put in all day, every day, to function.

I am very sensitive to sound. I have very acute hearing, and loud noises really hurt me. My partner used to laugh at how I duck and flinch whenever he drops something on the floor, but to me the loud noise triggers a very primal fight or flight response. I am in pain and I want to get away from the thing that is causing me pain. I can’t be around crying children, the screeching makes me feel physically unwell. But that isn’t acceptable to say or do in this society, so I just try to hide it and suppress the flinching and anxiety until I can find an excuse to get away. But just because I can suppress it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

I have to work very hard to keep the volume of my voice under control. It’s something I actively have to work at all the time. It takes a lot of focus and energy.
When I’m excited about something, or sad or angry, I can’t maintain the focus needed to keep my voice under control. And I get told to lower my voice. Which I can’t, unless I’m calm again. And it breaks my heart whenever people tell me I’m “just making it up” or “using autism as an excuse”

 

[Thinx]

It doesn't sound like he is trying to manipulate you. Perhaps you could ask him to consider something you might like him to alter too, so that you both have a win win here? You will try not to yell, and he will try to change something he does that irritates you.

But he may not be able to adjust his own volume unfortunately as he may not be able to tell how loud or softly he is speaking. But he could maybe adjust something that bothers you, like he could perhaps give you more space and not be around you and the dog quite so much maybe?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi, I have a 34 year old adult son that lives with me and he was diagnosed with Asperger’s almost 4 years ago. He keeps telling me that when I yell at the dog it causes him pain but I don’t believe him. He sent me some links and YouTube videos on how autistic people are sensitive to sound but I feel he just looked up symptoms of Asperger’s and is faking it and trying to manipulate me somehow. I don’t want to stop yelling because he himself talks very loudly. He blames it on the Asperger’s telling me that it is very common for those on the spectrum lose control of the volume of their voices. He claims autistic people don’t have the ability to tell when they talk loudly and that he can’t help talking so loud. He sent me some links about it being a symptom of autism, but again I think he’s faking it and just using his autism as an excuse. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get him to stop trying to manipulate me?

Everyone has sensitivities to sound, at some point, whether it be decibel levels and/or frequencies. I have Asperger's and I am quite the opposite,...I speak softly, like my television and car radio on lower volume, when I work in the neonatal unit at work,...whispers (babies,...you wake 'em, you take 'em, say the nurses.). Most neonatologists and pediatricians also speak in very hushed, soft tones,...I am just used to it. I drive an electric car, in part, because of all the noise from a gas-powered car.

If someone started yelling in my environment,...I would be out of there in a heartbeat. My sensitivities are with certain frequencies,...I just hear these loud crunching sounds like a broken subwoofer speaker,...some people speak at these frequencies. I also hear ultrasonic frequencies,...above 20,000Hz,...that is straight-up painful,...but no one else can hear it.

On one hand, some families just end up speaking loudly and yelling at each other,...normal communication for them. On the other hand, some speak loudly because of hearing issues,...again, frequency and decibel sensitivities. Some autistics speak either too loudly or too softly for people around them,...I struggle with this myself, especially when I get anxious or excited. The only way to really get answers is to go to an audiologist and actually test the hearing,...which I did. He may be interpreting his symptoms as autistic,...and it may be,...but it may also be something different.

 

[Gerontius]

Hi, I have a 34 year old adult son that lives with me and he was diagnosed with Asperger’s almost 4 years ago. He keeps telling me that when I yell at the dog it causes him pain but I don’t believe him. He sent me some links and YouTube videos on how autistic people are sensitive to sound but I feel he just looked up symptoms of Asperger’s and is faking it and trying to manipulate me somehow. I don’t want to stop yelling because he himself talks very loudly. He blames it on the Asperger’s telling me that it is very common for those on the spectrum lose control of the volume of their voices. He claims autistic people don’t have the ability to tell when they talk loudly and that he can’t help talking so loud. He sent me some links about it being a symptom of autism, but again I think he’s faking it and just using his autism as an excuse. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get him to stop trying to manipulate me?

Ma'am, with all due respect (which is very little respect indeed) the only one being manipulative here is you.

I was diagnosed autistic some years ago and can attest that yes it is physically painful being around loud noises. I don't watch the television because of this, stay away from crowds because of this, thought I was going to kill myself last summer because the people in the damn ghetto would not shut up. (I moved out and am now no longer suicidal. Coincidentally I moved into a below-ground apartment where there is little noise.)

Your son is probably right, and you sound like hell to live with. Merry Christmas.

OK, nice version to suit the delicate neurotypical ear.

It actually can be very difficult for ASD-diagnosed people to moderate the volume of their own voices. Those of us who have been told "speak up" or "dont yell!" every time we open our mouths are familiar with this phenomenon. Under stress it is harder to moderate this, and a situation for your son with people walking on egg-shells and yelling at animals is going to be stressful indeed. Many people are selective mutes, and will shut down under stress to the point of going silent.

We cannot give you control over your son. This is not your son in the way you'd say your hat, your coat, your dog, your motor-car. This son of yours is another human being. If you can get past your own unrealized need to have a perfect son, and be able to love the son you have, then it may be easier for everyone. Nobody comes into this world perfect. He already has to live a physically painful life listening to you screaming at the dog.

Now of course the easy thing would be for you to start treating people better than animals, and quit thinking that everyone's out to "manipulate" you. Dogs and horses cannot manipulate people. Narcissistic humans manipulate, and I doubt your son is that.

Look into outside help--quick tip; you probably need it too.

 

[Suzanne]

You think he is faking, despite being professionally diagnosed????!!!

It DOES hurt our ears when loud noises occur and I cannot actually cope with our dog barking, because it LITERALLY hurts my ears.

Your son is correct regarding talking loud. I cannot even hear myself talking loud, accept when I am told I am, but even then, I find it hard to regulate my voice, because to my ears, I was not speaking loud.

To be honest, half our issues, happens to be those around us, who call us all kinds of unkind things.

My husband was fearful of me being diagnosed, because he figured I would manipulate the situation and what is rather funny is since my diagnosis, HE is the one who does it ie I can only think that is the aspie in you coming out and I do laugh and say: I wouldn't know about that, because I am me; rather than my condition being separate from me.

In truth, you do come across as unkind to your son, when he is doing his utmost to get you to understand him and guess what? It is very hard for us to explain ourselves, so he is making a huge effort to try and get you to be there for him, by offering you information, so that you can better apppreciate him.

I reiterate. He has been formally diagnosed, so how can he be faking?

ps. Just a suggestion. My husband tends to use his hand in an up and down motion, to indictate my voice is too loud. Sometimes, he forgets and winces, which actually embarrasses me, because I have always been a lady type female and so the notion of being clumsy and loud, really do not fit my idea of what a lady is lol

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Whatever. Troll.

 

[Magna]

It DOES hurt our ears when loud noises occur and I cannot actually cope with our dog barking, because it LITERALLY hurts my ears.

This is the single worst experience I have in our home as well. When our dog barks it's like it's piercing my head. I call it "pierce barking", not barking. I like our dog, but it's absolutely terrible for me when our dog barks. Most often I just have to cover my ears and I freeze motionless until the barking stops.

 

[SDRSpark]

Disown him.

If they did, they might be doing him a favor.

 

[WildCat]

If your son is diagnosed and on the spectrum, what he is getting at may very well be true. Please, if you can, give him the benefit of the doubt and try minimizing any loud noise that can be controlled (i.e. you and other people in the house, not animals, neighbors, traffic, etc). As for him talking loudly, I'm not sure what to say about that, but if it's getting bothersome getting help from someone else or an outside source (professional maybe?) would be a good first step.

It might appear to be manipulation from your perspective, but if you can just give him that benefit of the doubt and trust what he's telling you, I'd advise you to see what happens and if anything positive comes out of it.

 

[Suzanne]

This is the single worst experience I have in our home as well. When our dog barks it's like it's piercing my head. I call it "pierce barking", not barking. I like our dog, but it's absolutely terrible for me when our dog barks. Most often I just have to cover my ears and I freeze motionless until the barking stops.

I try, but in the end I have to say: please, can you stop barking, ah? Otherwise, he will just bark and bark and bark.

 

[Fino]

It's common for neurotypicals to view people who need special accommodations as bad or misrepresenting themselves because it seems to make the person receiving the accommodations feel special. Why are they getting special treatment and nobody is paying attention to me, they wonder, pouting.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Robin242, yes, hyperacusis is very common.

For many of us parents (with screaming babies), we will use sound-dampening headphones like those used a gun ranges. We can still hear, but it takes the edge off.

Noise-Cancelling Ear Muffs

 

[GrownupGirl]

I used to have a problem with my voice being too loud as well. It was helpful sometimes though, like whenever I read something aloud in class (I was also a really good reader). My mother was always telling me to keep my voice down whenever we were out shopping or at restaurants. Sometime after my diagnoses I started talking more quietly, though. I don't really know why, maybe it's from all the cringe and embarrassment I still feel from saying the wrong things and too loudly all the time.

I do know that when you yell at dogs, it really hurts their ears and stresses them out because they have a superior sense of hearing, so even when we think we're talking quietly we're still loud to them.

 

[Laura K]

My 26 year old son who has autism was very sound sensitive. It has gotten better over the years but yelling is something that would be very difficult for him to take, even now.
Being someone who loves dogs, I’m sorry that you have to yell at him. Maybe a dog trainer could help with what you’re yelling at him about?