In the 12 step circles, people can talk in a way that is incredibly blunt, and now I realize that I have been taking things that say personally because I take their words as a literal attack. Even when it is not intended to be taken that way most of the time.
Therapists have shown me that their words are not necessarily attacks. But my brain automatically goes into defense mode when I hear a blunt statement about how I could be working my recovery better.
I am staying sober in my 12 step program, but I also do tend to do things that are detrimental to my recovery. Such as spending countless hours isolating and playing my gaming consoles, but a part of me wants to blame COVID for that.
Besides, how can I write the next great American novel (Mommie Dearest II) if all I do outside of my job is gaming?
Anybody else here know about how autism can filter things people say about recovery in an unintended negative light?
I don't know about addiction other than smoking. I was a hardcore smoker through. I stopped on my own, using nothing to replace it or whatever.
I also take things as personal attacks easily because I don't understand other people's intentions well. I try to refocus on whether the person is trying to help or trying to attack. If the person is trying to help that changes my reaction of defensiveness, althrough it might not change that I have a different point of view. That's how I try to make the difference between a toxic person I don't compromise with and a non toxic person who just has a different approach. That being said, you have to be very very very logical and observant in order to differenciate those stuffs and rely a lot on a sense of fairness/judgement of what someone does or says is right or wrong. Someone can say something to me that's wrong or unfair but yet not have bad intentions. Someone can say the same stuffs with the intention to disorient me, manipulate me, play with me, and so on. Either the person tries to help and CARES, either the person doesn't. That's how I check if someone's behaviour is toxic or on me to compromise with. I don't either need to compromise with anyone just because people try to help. I don't need to compromise with someone I completely disagree with even if the person hasn't bad intentions. That's a choice.
Yet, I also go into defense mode automatically. I think what matters is to stick by your judgement, but you don't necessarily need to defend or justify anything. You need to defend when you're in presence of toxic people who try to cross boundaries. You can also make your boundaries clearer with people, so they're aware this is something that's not up for discussion, that prevents them. I do apologize or ask precisions on other's intentions quiet often. Someone made a comment about me last time, and I had to ask precisions about his thinking + tell clearly that this was something out of questionability. I can make compromises, but some stuffs are "take it or leave it" now. I don't need to answer favoribly to everyone, even well intentioned.
Yes people aren't necessarily attacking, yet that doesn't mean you need to accept everything. I don't need to hear people think out loud about something they don't understand and I can't change - nor have any interest to change. I don't care.
Telling me I need a boyfriend in my life is something I tell people is out of their control now, I don't want to hear anything they think about my choice. It's my boundaries, I don't care if they mean that in a good way or weren't attacking or whatever, I make it politely clear : my choice, not your business. Now, I will tro to care and express myself differently if it's someone I know doesn't want to hurt me and just lacks understanding VS someone trying to destabilize me and being highly judgemental and unfair and uncompassionate.
Video games : I don't see the link with recovery. Maybe it's a copying behaviour that's actually helpful in this period you're living. Who knows? It's difficult to do everything all at once, you can't rationally ask yourself to stop drinking + stop playing video games + change home + cook + do EVERYTHING the way that's so called healthy for you. It might just not fit you, or at least not everything all at once. That's how it works for me. If I had to do all that, I would end up in burn out very fast. Healthy isn't it? So I just have periods I'm focused on something and periods I'm focused on an other. You don't need to blame yourself if it takes time and if you can't do everything perfectly as people believe everyone should be living. Who can judge that? If your will is to not play it's different, but if your will is to play and that it feels nice, I don't see the purpose of being ashamed of this behaviour. Who cares. If you do then do somthing about it, but it's different than if it's just something that's been told by others. I also play games, I enjoy it, I don't care if others think "you'd rather ..........." . They don't live in my body. Yes, I'd rather. Sure.
I'm very aware of what type of games I play and try to care about the repetition because I get too addicted. I don't play games I really enjoy, I play games that I enjoy less because I have no control. But that's my decision, it has nothing to do with what people think about my behaviour or the life I should be living.
I think I've also heard so much in my life that what I'm doing is wrong that I react very negatively and I do have an aversion when people say that it's wrong again. Althrough I can hear a good advice, I have clearly developed an aversion for that. I do have to think about setting clear boundaries of things I'm not okay to let others walk on, because until now all I was teached was having no boundaries at all and muzzle myself and accept everything. I think setting boundaries and making them clear not only prevents abuse, but also helps in being clear with others and more authentic in the relationship. Otherwise, everyone knows how you need to modificate your life and behaviour. Everyone knows but you!!! Lol. And then it's again and again stuffs about what you're doing wrong and blablabla, and because you don't know where your boundaries are nor how to place them and developed this aversion for negative comments, it's just a nightmare to deal with. I mean, that's what happens for me. Now either I hear something clever that can be helpful, either people are allowed to have their opinions, but I don't need it, thanks, who are they to know better in the end. Now it's like that otherwise I can never live.
