At a stand still in a ND relationship.

[Tylersp93]

Hello all!

I’m going to dive right in and get straight to the point.

For the last eight months I have been involved with a wonderful, bright, funny, smart Aspie man. We are a gay couple (I use the word couple loosely).

He has Aspergers and severe PTSD from combat in Afghanistan (diagnoses upon discharge from the Military).

While it has been a bumpy ride it has been a fun ride. I am head over heels for my special guy and he has said that he feels the same way about me. However, in January things came to a screeching halt. Admits a conversation one night, he misunderstood something I said and thought that I was insulting his family (I will not discuss the personal details of this conversation as they are just that... personal). Let me be clear, I did not in any way, shape, fashion or form insult his family but I can remember exactly how I worded it and I can understand how it might have been easy for him to interpret it that way.

Fast forward, after two weeks I found out about said misunderstanding, it took another two weeks for us to see one another. We went out to dinner, laughed, had a good time and I apologized on my end for the misunderstanding and he apologized for how he handled it. He fully acknowledged that he didn’t handle it well and should have gone about it differently. I reassured him it was okay, it was a misunderstanding, nothing more and I was ready to move forward with our relationship.

That was a month ago and I have not seen him since.

At this current time he is dealing with something. What it is? I don’t know. I am trying desperately to find that out myself and see how I can help in any way. I know that his VA benefits were severed and he had to hire a lawyer to get them back, whether that’s what he’s still dealing with or not, I do not know.

But when he told me one month ago that he had something he was dealing with that needed his attention, I bowed out gracefully and told him I would give him the time and space that he needed while checking in periodically.

So in my spare time I have spent countless hours reading books about Aspergers, watching video blogs from Aspies and medical professionals, reading medical articles about Aspergers, blogs from Aspies, I’ve even reached out to a few Aspies for their opinions. All of which has been very helpful in broadening my knowledge on what Aspergers is and how I can approach our relationship knowing what I know now. While doing so, my feelings intensified for him and I realized that I really have fallen for such a wonderful man with the most beautiful mind I have ever met.

Because I haven’t been able to get him to sit down with me and talk face-to-face I decided that I would take a different approach and explain how I was feeling via text.

Let me clarify: I explained to him that I had spent a lot of time trying to understand him and I had some traction in understanding him and that I wanted to continue working on our relationship slow and steady (to win the race), I DID NOT TELL HIM I LOVE HIM (even though I do).

He responded with “maybe we should just be friends then if the relationship is going the way you intended? I am going through so much. I apologize immensely.”

I will respect whatever he wants because I respect him more than anyone I’ve ever known. I will give him time and space to handle what he needs to handle because the last thing I want to do is overwhelm him and push him away. The VERY last thing I want is to lose him whether it be as a friend or a romantic partner.

My question is open to all NT’s and Aspies, I will take advice, opinions from all different angles: how does one handle a situation like this? In my heart of hearts I don’t believe he wants to end this but that could also be well-wishing on my part. I don’t want it to end either. If you’ll notice, he was questionative in saying maybe we should just be friends. I’m just not sure how to approach this so that I do not overwhelm him and push him away.

 

[Alexej]

Firstly Welcome to the Forums

You might also want to look into alexithymia, since a lot of people with AS also have alexithymia.
There are some threads on this forum about alex, but google is also a good source.

Alexithymia Online - Emotional Blindness • Alexithymia

There is this website, but it is not very active, but there is a test for alexithymia there.
THis might be relevant since I am not very active in being in touch with my children, which may haave to do with alex - but I don't know.

 

[All-Rounder]

Im honestly so confused about what he means to say and I think he misunderstood. I think what he needs to hear is that you respect his time and done research into autism ... Wait, i think i know what he might mean, that if you want to take it slow and steady you can be friends with him but he apologizes for not being able to attend to the relationship right now for a while now and perhaps will understand if you want to be friends instead for now. I think in this it is a mystery what he wants but if he wanted to i think he would break up.

My gf has also been discharged from bootcamp and we've been through similar situations, she had issues with payment from the army, shes on the spectrum too and she dislikes when I jump to conclusion she wants a breakup or doesn't want me anymore. I think the best thing you can do is be honest about what you want and reassure him you respect him needing time.

Oh and don't do the mistake i did, try to focus off him and into new activities in your life, focusing on him when hes unavailable can make it really hard, you can save stuff and document later when hes not so caught up in stuff.

He needs support right now, to let him know you are there if he needs you and he wants to relax and not discuss relationship stuff perhaps. Especially heavy stuff. Ehen he is around he probably wants to smile with you in the short time he has for spending with you or when he checks his messages. Good luck to you

P.S. Tell him you love him!

 

[fcr]

Hello all!

I’m going to dive right in and get straight to the point.

For the last eight months I have been involved with a wonderful, bright, funny, smart Aspie man. We are a gay couple (I use the word couple loosely).

He has Aspergers and severe PTSD from combat in Afghanistan (diagnoses upon discharge from the Military).

While it has been a bumpy ride it has been a fun ride. I am head over heels for my special guy and he has said that he feels the same way about me. However, in January things came to a screeching halt. Admits a conversation one night, he misunderstood something I said and thought that I was insulting his family (I will not discuss the personal details of this conversation as they are just that... personal). Let me be clear, I did not in any way, shape, fashion or form insult his family but I can remember exactly how I worded it and I can understand how it might have been easy for him to interpret it that way.

Fast forward, after two weeks I found out about said misunderstanding, it took another two weeks for us to see one another. We went out to dinner, laughed, had a good time and I apologized on my end for the misunderstanding and he apologized for how he handled it. He fully acknowledged that he didn’t handle it well and should have gone about it differently. I reassured him it was okay, it was a misunderstanding, nothing more and I was ready to move forward with our relationship.

That was a month ago and I have not seen him since.

At this current time he is dealing with something. What it is? I don’t know. I am trying desperately to find that out myself and see how I can help in any way. I know that his VA benefits were severed and he had to hire a lawyer to get them back, whether that’s what he’s still dealing with or not, I do not know.

But when he told me one month ago that he had something he was dealing with that needed his attention, I bowed out gracefully and told him I would give him the time and space that he needed while checking in periodically.

So in my spare time I have spent countless hours reading books about Aspergers, watching video blogs from Aspies and medical professionals, reading medical articles about Aspergers, blogs from Aspies, I’ve even reached out to a few Aspies for their opinions. All of which has been very helpful in broadening my knowledge on what Aspergers is and how I can approach our relationship knowing what I know now. While doing so, my feelings intensified for him and I realized that I really have fallen for such a wonderful man with the most beautiful mind I have ever met.

Because I haven’t been able to get him to sit down with me and talk face-to-face I decided that I would take a different approach and explain how I was feeling via text.

Let me clarify: I explained to him that I had spent a lot of time trying to understand him and I had some traction in understanding him and that I wanted to continue working on our relationship slow and steady (to win the race), I DID NOT TELL HIM I LOVE HIM (even though I do).

He responded with “maybe we should just be friends then if the relationship is going the way you intended? I am going through so much. I apologize immensely.”

I will respect whatever he wants because I respect him more than anyone I’ve ever known. I will give him time and space to handle what he needs to handle because the last thing I want to do is overwhelm him and push him away. The VERY last thing I want is to lose him whether it be as a friend or a romantic partner.

My question is open to all NT’s and Aspies, I will take advice, opinions from all different angles: how does one handle a situation like this? In my heart of hearts I don’t believe he wants to end this but that could also be well-wishing on my part. I don’t want it to end either. If you’ll notice, he was questionative in saying maybe we should just be friends. I’m just not sure how to approach this so that I do not overwhelm him and push him away.

 

[fcr]

Hello. I am Flavio. I apologize for writting only now, but I am new on the forum, I have just registered. I don't even know, whether you get to see new replies to an old entry of yours. But let me try.

I don't know how the year since your entry has been for both of you and how you both are doing now. But your entry has touched me deeply. So, most and first of all: whatever the roads you both have been through and whatever now the relationship between you both, you're both great, you're both special, and to both of you, my love and my solidarity.


(Please vorgive me if I make linguistic mistakes, but English is not my usual language.)


I don't feel myself competent and wise enough to give any advice. But I want to assure you that in spite of all the obstacles you both might stumble into on your road, love will always be an essential and necessary fundament on which to walk. Where love and trust are, you own the road.

I am an old gay man; I'm now 67. I am an Aspie, formally diagnosed with Asperger and ADHS. And I am a widow. After 43 years partnership my husband left to the spiritual world in April 2018. Since then I retreated largely from the world and live a silent life.


He was not an Aspie; he was NT.

And he hat to cope with an Aspie (me) all these 43 years. Our road had occasionally some very hard routes, for both of us. And even today I still feel ashamed for words and deeds and behaviours I occasionally did hurt him with.

How were 43 years possible? A love that will never die. There has been not a second devoid of love and trust for one another. Not even when I was stimming or being rude (This happened seldom, but it occasionally happened). He was there with me. He was my safe port. My guardian angel. My partner. He gave me that what an Aspie needs: the stability in love and partnership. He was there when I needed help to bring structure into my life. He gave me time and space which to retreat to. He believed in me. He empowered me. He let me be who I am. He inspired me. And I am eternally filled with deepest gratitude for him, for his love, for all he was. (And still is.)


I was the Aspie. Like you, he was the NT.


I hope and wish you are doing well.


========================================


I think all that Rexi wrote in her reply is absolutely right.

I just want to add one thought. Maybe it can help to make understandable what is happening within an Aspie.

Yes, it is not always easy to grasp what an Aspie means, when you're talking to one. My experience, since I was a child, is that people often didn't understand what I meant. This is a common experience for an Aspie.

Maybe... it is that in such situations an Aspie just is not able to verbally express what he/she wants or what is the issue. I don't know. I only know my own experience as an Aspie. I have always experienced that in the interaction with another person, I just couldn't bring into words what within myself, emotionally, was the point. Even on a one-to-one situation with someone you trust and love, it was (and it is) very stressful - if not impossible - to grasp and translate the emotional into words. This is something I can only do when I retreat from the world, when I'm alone, and take time, a lot of time to sit down, take paper and pen, and formulate it into written words. Even in such a one-to-one basis, it is not possible to cope with it. As a ND one really gets overwhelmed - as an Aspie in such a situation, you have to cope with yourself and with what's running within you; simultaneously you have to cope with and deliver immediately a linguistic performance of translating into reasonable and rational language what whithin you is purely abstract, non verbal, overwhelmingly huge emotion and tension and anxiety; and at the same time you have to watch and care for your NT partner, who you're communicating with, and watch out to put it all into words and behaviour that don't hurt him - it is so very stressfull, so overwhelming! This is for him a huge task.


(I have a notebook, wherein I can have a dialogue with sort of an alter-ego and bring things into written words and so make things understandable even to myself.)



I send you my love. Take care and keep healthy.