Aspies and Dating

[CDOCONNOR]

I'm sure a thread such as this has been rehashed several thousand times but I hope to switch it up, make things new (if such a term is possible anymore). First, how many people here have trouble dating? I know I do. My problem is I tend to be too nice and get taken advantage of. And along the way I've learned to play a character who holds all his feelings inside. Now I know this isn't healthy but I can't seem to break the habit.

If only the norm were able to peer inside my heart and soul, they'd see a tremendous person. Also, it's difficult getting a woman's attention because the good guys have to elbow through throngs of bad guys.

So, (both guys and girls)---I welcome any and all thoughts. Can you relate to anything mentioned above? If so, how did you overcome it?

 

[eonbus]

what?

 

[Rhiannon]

I find my biggest problem with dating and especially currently being in a long term relationship is my inability to empathize with my partner. He gets so angry at some of the things I say, I feel the need to be honest because its one of the 'rules' of a relationship. But when I'm honest about my discomfort with his affection, he isn't okay with it. He tries to be but he gets quiet and doesn't talk after I speak. I am aware this is a symptom of my disorder but I don't know how to make it easier on him.
I find it difficult to connect with my partner, he doesn't seen to struggle in connecting with me, i just cant seem to reciprocate. i really want to and i believe i love him but i just cant seem to force myself to show affection without being uncomfortable and producing anxiety attacks. anyone know how to deal with this?

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

First, how many people here have trouble dating?

My problem is I tend to be too nice and get taken advantage of. And along the way I've learned to play a character who holds all his feelings inside. Now I know this isn't healthy but I can't seem to break the habit.

Also, it's difficult getting a woman's attention because the good guys have to elbow through throngs of bad guys.

Can you relate to anything mentioned above? If so, how did you overcome it?

I'd love to get a list of just how many aspie guys (women too, though they have different issues) you find do have problems (based on threads I've posted or responded to).

Paragraph 2 I'd say is common for many aspie guys, although you didn't mention about persistence.

Paragraph 3 is worse than you think. The ladies have to elbow through the thin layer of what americans call douche bags yes, but there's probably a lot more rival nice guys you also have to compete with and this is your (and many guys) main problem in actual point of fact.

I think you can read that I've had experience in this (due to my annoying previous desperation for romance, which I'd rather not have at all) and I'm afraid it's not a rosy world with good news. You'll probably struggle, you may even give up (online anyway), but if you're lucky you'll perhaps make friends (as in women you'll actually meet, not just e-chat with) and if you're really lucky you'll find one that you think is beautiful and has the great personality to match. The key is probably to have thick skin, stay positive but definitely not overly so and don't try too hard. I wish I could sound more optmistic about this whole thing, sorry.

 

[Judge]

But when I'm honest about my discomfort with his affection, he isn't okay with it. He tries to be but he gets quiet and doesn't talk after I speak. I am aware this is a symptom of my disorder but I don't know how to make it easier on him.

In such circumstances I'd think your honesty is the only thing you have. To emphasize that for you, this is a trait beyond your control to mitigate or minimize. It's indicative of those things NTs may be forced to navigate on their own to make the relationship work. A classic example of why such relationships cannot function on a purely "50-50" basis.

 

[Eddie Gillenardo]

I have a very hard time getting a girl's attention. She doesn't respond I believe mainly because of my physical appearance. Then if I do get her attention, I either say something or do something that scares her away from me. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. As if I weren't normal.

 

[Butterfly88]

First I must say I have never been on a date. I have severe anxiety in addition to my autism so for me I think the reason for not dating is more linked to anxiety. However, I fear once I do overcome the anxiety (trying to be optimistic) that I will have problems due to spectrum things. For one, I have severe sensory issues. I don't like being touched and I'm not sure if I will like kissing, yet alone anything more than that. Then I worry, what will we do on a date? Movies are too loud for me to handle even with earplugs as are many restaurants and other common date destinations. I am worried it will be hard to find someone understanding enough about all of this.

 

[holbrook]

I can't say I've really done dating (in the traditional sense?), but have been in many relationships over the years, usually being all or nothing and then only lasting a few weeks or maybe months. Mostly this would be a result from one day becoming interested in being in a relationship where I put most of my attention onto it to that interest disappearing 100% and losing contact with the other person.