Aspie love, how to build a new life? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

[Vaunderbroad]

I am in a 7 month long romantic relationship (and have AS but am a good masker and like/need people.) I met the love of my life (also AS but more classic attributes) online and moved to his city because I love him and want to build a life together.

My routine used to revolve around yoga, work, and cathartic dancing at night. I had a lot of casual distant friends that I’d met through work. (I have social anxiety but I just run through a script that involves a Venn diagram of interests that makes it easy to “make friends” but it’s exhausting and I am really struggling in this new town and my boyfriend seems hurt/jealous when he sees me masking for strangers) I don’t think he understands that I’m masking and it makes him jealous/doubtful of our love.

I’ve been very needy towards him. Obsessive repetitive talk. Location blindness. Anxiety with full blown panic attacks, meltdowns. Paranoid rants. It’s gross and I always feel so bad afterwards. It has been so hard. My boyfriend has (understandably) been shutting down. He hasn’t talked to me in two days.

I decided (at the advice of my oldest friend) to go stay at my one friend’s house the other night. I was going crazy with anxiety and knew he needed to sleep and was shut down for the night. So I went and slept on her couch and came back before it was time for him to work.

Here’s where the problem is: my one friend is married to his one friend- who also works with him. So in going there, I violated his trust and exposed our problems. I feel terrible. I am trying to give him his space but I am pretty sure he has written me off as “psychotic”

I love him so much. I thought I was doing the right thing. I am scared. I shut down my business, I got rid of all my things, I moved here. He is my only support and I’m going through adjustment disorder symptoms.

Like every time his work schedule changes, I get needy. Every time I go to a new area, I get anxious. Whenever I have to cook a new meal etc. he gets to see how low functioning I can be.

Meanwhile, he has his stable routine life and I’m messing it up. He’s currently shunning me and unwilling to look at, talk to, or touch me.

Today, I apologized for my violation of his trust (by going to his friends) and am trying to stay as stable as possible and wait for him to come to me.

I blew up his phone and email yesterday and took pastry to his work and left it with the girls at the cafe because I didn’t want to get him in trouble or see anyone.

I am not sure whether to do all the things I normally do as part of our routine. Thursday usually I make dinner, meet him at the gym, then we drive home and eat together and then go for a walk and read.

I am in despair and don’t know what to do with myself without this predictable routine. I am also scared of ending up homeless or in the hospital in this new place with no resources.

I am looking for advice, empathy, sympathy...whatever kind of support I can find to survive and build a life whether he decides to keep me or not.

I really want him to marry me. I want to set up supports for when our routine is upset and I’m panicked. I want both of our needs met.

 

[Tom]

Doesn't blowing up someones phone and then dropping off pastry for them send a mixed message? Just kidding. Anyway, ultimately, things have to be taken as they are, not as you wish them to be. The main way I think people solve problems is by sitting down and talking about them (usually on a regular basis), and working out the issues. Or sitting down with professional counselors of some sort. If you can't get to that point, it is kinda like flogging a dead horse.

 

[Vaunderbroad]

Yes, the pastry was my attempt to speak his language of “deeds not words” probably would have been more effective if I didn’t blow up his phone.

I am not sure he will ever be willing to speak to me again. I suggested counseling for us/me and showed him some options last week. I don’t have insurance coverage or an income at the moment. I’m working on getting both.

In the meantime, he’s ignoring me and doing all the things that bring himself balance. I realize that I chose this and might just be a self destructive person with too much hope in romance.

 

[Wolfnox]

Maybe do something relaxing. Try to ease your stress and anexity. Get into a calm state of mind. Think about the issues. Stop comparing your autism problems. Yours is different from his. I relate to most of those problems you have. Which is why im glad not to be in a relationship. I couldn't handle the stress you are feeling now. The constant wondering if this person still loves me or not. You believe it enough to sacrifice your independent life. To live with and support him. And he obviously still has feelings for you. Your still in his house. He hasn't kicked you out. Do you ever think maybe you scared him. When you ran off to his friends house? I didnt see if you told him or not. But speaking from a mans perspective. If my woman suddenly ran to my friends house. I would be scared she was trying to leave me or was sleeping with him. My advice relax and think about all that has happen. Then talk with him about it.

 

[Vaunderbroad]

I am sure I hurt him. I am trying to stay stable and calm myself so when he is ready to talk (if ever) we can repair this and move on. I never thought about romantic jealousy being a factor. Thanks for the feedback. This is so much work. Even if it destroys me, it might have been worth it. It’s so amazing to have an ally. To get to see things, love, eat, and exercise together. I know I have to accept it if it ends but I want to do everything I can to prevent that.

I am going to go ride my bike and see if I can relax and stop obsessing... thanks!

 

[Wolfnox]

I hope the best for you. Do your best and stay in high spirits.

 

[Vaunderbroad]

Thank you!