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Aspie boyfriend and his female friend

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by captivepulse, Mar 27, 2018.

  1. Lia

    Lia Well-Known Member

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    we have no way of telling what his friend is thinking. From what Captivepulse said, she does not sound like a ***** that is after her boyfriend, but more like someone in need of emotional support, and she finds that in a friend she has known for very long time.
    You don't have to "win" your own boyfriend. Viewing other women as competition is such a toxic mentality and it will only strengthen your insecurity.
    When my friend went through a break up, she started messaging me way more than usual, because she needed someone to talk to. If my boyfriend tried to keep me from talking to her that would have been really cruel and borderline abusive of him!
     
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  2. WeirdoGuy

    WeirdoGuy Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Honestly, I think most people would be uncomfortable with your significant other having this type of relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Would it be unfair to tell him that he must get rid of his friend of 12 years? Yes. Would it be unfair to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, and that he needs to limit these interactions? No! He should be able to keep his friend, but also understand that it is someone of the opposite sex, and there is a certain limit where it becomes uncomfortable for you.

    You need to describe the situation with roles reversed. You having a male friend of 12 years, having those interactions, and ask him to picture it and think of how he would feel. If you can get him to picture that scenario, and keep thinking of that scenario every time they interact, he might be able to see why you are uncomfortable. This is the only relation to Asperger's that I can see (i.e. he can't see it from your perspective). If this can be done by you feeding it to him, it could and should change. If it doesn't, the relationship will probably end eventually.
     
  3. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well, I don't remember saying 'no friends', but at any rate that is not what I meant. Some people need friends and is part of what makes them happy. Its very situational, and depends much on who is involved.
     
  4. Lia

    Lia Well-Known Member

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    Can someone explain to me why this type of friendship would make people uncomfortable?
     
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  5. WeirdoGuy

    WeirdoGuy Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In a relationship, you want to be the person of the opposite sex that your significant other talks to the most. Even if there is trust that nothing is going on, there is something unsettling about him/her having a relationship with someone that on some level rivals the relationship you two have. I know I would be uncomfortable, even if I knew that it didn't go beyond talking.
     
  6. Lia

    Lia Well-Known Member

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    This is the thing I don't understand, because talking to someone often does not mean they talk more to that person than they do with their partner. It just means they have a close friend, which is perfectly fine to have even when you're in a relationship.
    If it's because of the fear that their partner may be attracted to their friend, then that is their insecurity speaking and not their partner or the friend's issue.
    I may have trouble understanding this because I'm not straight, so if my boyfriend felt threatened everytime I spend time with someone I could potentially be attracted to, then I would not be able to have any friends at all, and that would be ridiculous.
     
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  7. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    What she said. ;)

    Otherwise IMO relationships without some degree of trust and lots of insecurities are bound to fail.

    I can't think of a faster way to end a good thing than to attempt to micromanage your partner's orbit of friends and family. Though I know firsthand that trust itself isn't an easy thing to establish either. Takes some real work at times.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2018
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  8. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    I am with you on this one. I don't understand. I think friendships are as valuable as lovers. Then again this is coming from someone who is open to being poly so -shrug-
     
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  9. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The ironic thing here is that if said divorcee absconds with said Aspie, she will probably dump him shortly thereafter.
     
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  10. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Good debate! But I'm totally with @WeirdoGuy on this!

    I've been married for near 20 years and there comes a point when you have to define your priorities. If your relationship with your husband/wife/life partner is no more nor less than a relationship with an old friend from school, then the relationship isn't as strong as it needs to be to get through children or tough times (illness/financial).

    As an aspie, I get obsessions. I don't just "have relationships". There's a point. There's something about the other person that fascinates me, aspies are very black and white. But when my obsessions (some of which have been males who have been interested in me), make my partner uncomfortable, then I respond. It would be inconsiderate not to. We have a partnership, it's not about me doing what I want without taking his feelings into account. That's what has got us through all the troubles, health, finance and children.

    If he says that he is uncomfortable with a toxic or time dominating friendship that I have formed, he is not being controlling, he is communicating.

    This is the point where the relationship tips. If this other woman simply needed support then she would be happy to talk to both halves of the relationship. If this woman is the kind friend that everyone assumes her to be (which is great by the way, cup half full and all), then she wouldn't want to cause upset. She would acknowledge the boundaries and respect the relationship.

    So @captivepulse - this might go on for months, but you have to come back and tell us how this plays out!!
     
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  11. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    That's one hell of a assumption lol.
     
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  12. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    But reasonable pattern recognition and extrapolation. Two more divorces would seal it :)
     
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  13. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes, quite true. But over time one sees or becomes aware of patterns of behavior. So not so much an assumption as figuring the odds.
     
  14. Lia

    Lia Well-Known Member

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    Talking to a friend doesn't mean you don't value your relationship or care for you partner though.
    If I went through a break up and needed someone to talk to, I would be very upset if my friend's boyfriend didn't want her to talk to me because he thought I was after her and tried to break them up or something.
    I would also like to talk about such personal things as a break up with my friend alone, without including her boyfriend, who I don't even know.
     
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  15. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    How people view relationships is interesting. And varied. Some are like these supernaturally intensely strong bonds. My partner, my wife, means the world to me, literally. If she said it was the world or her, I would, regretfully, blow up the world. I am sorry and know some of you are very nice people but thats just the way it is. But its kind of a moot point because she wouldn't ask me to do that. She's way too nice and thoughtful. And that is why I would do such a thing. Such a good partner is worth the whole world.
     
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  16. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    Ok, so at the beginning of my relation ship with my partner (aspie) he was still 'friends' with his previous gf.... Stating that they were friends although the relationship had ended.... (His choice) .... This was VERY different for me.... As for me when it's over .... I don't really wNt to remain friends....
    It was a huge learning curve for me.... Sometimes they still text/call if they are going through rough times (aarrrgghh...!!) and i had to explain why this made me feel uncomfortable.... He explained they were friends before they went out and that he wanted to make sure (as they were nice/good people) that everything was OK... They all knew about me.... And our relationship etc... So yes, as many have said it IS down to trust.... We've talked about what is/isn't acceptable to make sure we are in the same page.... He tells me when they call or text etc and I trust him because he tells me.....
    Is it easy...?? NO not always... But I do trust him completely.... And so that's how it is....
    Ps he is giving away his previous partners daughter at her wedding next year..... I'm not quite sure how THAT will go... But I'll be there....!! :)
     
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  17. BirdsNest

    BirdsNest Active Member

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    Your boyfriend's friend is going through a very difficult time in her life right now.
    Your boyfriend is probably just being a good pal. Something to admire, no?
     
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  18. Fitzo

    Fitzo Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I understand why all this communication is making you uncomfortable. Does she have any other friends besides your boyfriend? If so do you think she is in contact with them as much as she is with him? If she seems to be singling him out, then I think you are right to be concerned. But it may be that she is just using him to prop her up at the moment.

    However if you start laying down the law, then you are likely to drive him away. Have they ever been more than friends in the past? Do you feel as though his attitude towards you has changed since she split up with her husband? If the answer is yes I would say he has feelings for her that go beyond friendship. But if he's still the same towards you then I think things will probably settle down as she finds her feet and starts socializing again.
    I think your trying to be friends with her is probably a pointless exercise unless you genuinely like her, which it doesn't sound like you do.
    If you really believe you have a future with your boyfriend and you think he feels the same, I think you need to concentrate on your own relationship and try to ignore the constant texting. If you try to control him you will drive a wedge into the situation and you'll end up losing him anyway. Best of luck!
     
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  19. JB2018

    JB2018 Active Member

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    I agree with what several have posted about your situation not being related to your bf being an Aspie; it's a relationship problem.

    You might want to ask yourself these questions:
    - Are you willing to try to accommodate his long-time friend being around? Because it might be that her life is just temporarily unstable and she needs a long-time friend to lean on.
    - This situation sounds more like a jealousy/lack of boundaries thing, but if your partnership goes further, do you think you can trust him to consider you a top priority?
    - There'll always be other friends/acquaintances/coworkers in both your lives, but when you really need him, do you think he'll be there for you?
    - Is your relationship too new to make a decision right now? Maybe it's time for you to detach from the anxiety and just observe.

    Good luck! You'll figure it out, no worries!
     
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  20. RosieRainbow

    RosieRainbow New Member

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    Hello,
    It seems like he has not taken your feelings seriously enough or doesn't care enough as he keeps texting her anyway. If he truly loved you and knew it upsetted you then he wouldn’t bother texting her. How would he feel if you had a hunky man texting you for attention. He obviously isn’t a sincere person. So leave him and love yourself because you’re an attractive and sincere person by the sounds of it. If he can dangle your feelings on a string like that then stop wasting your time on him. If he is meant to be, then he would only have eyes and ears for you as his closest friend/girlfriend.
     
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