1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured Aspie and lack of interest in partner.

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by OrdinaryCitizen, Sep 9, 2019.

  1. OrdinaryCitizen

    OrdinaryCitizen Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    162
    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2018
    Karma:
    +160
    I remember reading somewhere that aspies have lack of interest in other person they being in relationship with or friends however how to distinguish this between aspie sympthom or plain selfishness and lack of interest in a person?

    Does being an aspie symptom makes such behavior any different?



    Talking to an aspie girl who does not know she's an aspie, i am like 80% positive she is.

    I know her for a two weeks and she never initiated a contact with me first however responds almost instantly when i text her and we can talk for hours.

    When we go out she have not asked a single question about me like she does not care a bit about me never even say "how r you today" etc its always me asking her questions about her and she shares her experiences.
    When i start talking about myself she never show any interest either.

    In general she is very closed and shy person she is only 18, low self esteem, however once she warms up in a conversation she gets much more open, yet still she never shows any interest in me.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    31,940
    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2013
    Karma:
    +22,033
    Maybe she likes talking, and talking about herself, but
    really is not interested in you, in particular.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  3. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,291
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,451
    Not being interested in a person doesn't indicate selfishness even if it's not an aspie trait. Maybe she's not particularly socially motivated, maybe she's not good at online communication, maybe she's just not interested in you and only continues to respond out of politeness or a sense of obligation.

    Regardless I don't really see why it being an aspie trait or not would make a difference, this is her personality, the behaviour is the same either way.
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  4. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    22,856
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2013
    Karma:
    +28,193
    Being very closed and very shy, she may lack the ability or incentive to show interest towards much of anyone. Regardless of how she may truly feel.

    This is when you have to "bite the bullet" and put it out there yourself, rather than wait for some social form of "osmosis" that may never come unless one of you admits their true feelings.

    Sometimes there's more than friendship below the surface. And sometimes not. Where you have to be prepared for the possibility of that "crash and burn" scenario of rejection. But then nothing ventured is nothing gained.

    As a person on spectrum, it's ultimately about how I feel inside, rather than how it may or may not appear to others on the outside.
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2019
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  5. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,968
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +10,883
    So, tell us more about her.

    ;)
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  6. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,538
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +7,034
    I generally don't care to hear others talk about themselves, but if I really like someone I'm happy to hear them do it all day. Maybe she likes the attention and opportunity to talk about herself more than she likes you.

    Or maybe she's expecting you to talk about yourself if you want to and if you don't then she figures you just don't want to. I've hardly ever prompted people to talk about themselves, people just do it.

    Typically, in my experience, when you ask her about herself, once she answers, you would then explain your own answer to the question, like "oh really? What I do is..." I feel super awkward when there's silence and I feel forced to say, "how about you?"
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 2
    • Useful Useful x 1
  7. Peter Morrison

    Peter Morrison Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    539
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,647
    I agree - In my personal reflection of my behavior throughout my lifetime, I have rarely, if ever, asked the questions that many others seem to ask of others when they meet and get to know them. I always wait for them to volunteer personal information. If it comes up in conversation, then I know. If not, I don't know. I will share stories, but I don't speak as if I am constructing a biography. I think it takes a long time to develop a relationship with anybody. She is young, so maybe she is only interested in the "here and now". I don't know what you tell her that doesn't capture her interest or curiosity, so maybe she doesn't know how to make conversation out of your experiences.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. OrdinaryCitizen

    OrdinaryCitizen Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    162
    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2018
    Karma:
    +160
    I dont really like talking about myself, because i make hell of a mess talking long sentences anyway its just her lack of interest made me trouibled, i text her over phone and talk to her in person as well.


    Could you tell me more about this?

    Should i let her know that she's on the spectrum?
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2019
  9. tlc

    tlc The Mackinac Bridge and U.P. is my happy place.

    Messages:
    1,502
    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2014
    Karma:
    +1,429
    2 weeks isn't very long if someone is shy. I've been there in my teens and early 20s, really liked someone but had no idea what to say or how to get the words out most of the time unless they started the conversation. And after awhile they just left. I'm even that way at work sometimes and I've known the people for over 20 years. I have a really hard time starting a conversation especially something personal but if someone asks me something I'll tell them anything. How many threads have I started here? Very few. I'm better at replying to what's been started.

    It does seem like an aspie trait to talk very avidly about certain things you really like but not be so good at talking about other things.

    If you like her, just keep talking with her. She is who she is and eventually she might open up more. I would think that if she really didn't like you, she might say a little something to not feel rude. But the fact that she talks to you for hours I would think means she enjoys your company in some way.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. Pistachio

    Pistachio New Member

    Messages:
    8
    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2019
    Karma:
    +4
    I don't always think to ask people questions about them. It never even occurred to me that asking questions shows interest until some articles online in recent years. Maybe she's more of a listener, then talks, then listens, etc, not necessarily shy. And you've only known her for two weeks? That doesnt sound very long, maybe she was expecting you to contact her and set up a date, and you were expecting her to do the same thing? I wouldn't necessarily think she's on the spectrum based on this description, but you could talk about aspergers with her. Sometimes there's something about you that someone else can see clearly and you can't, and it'd be a kindness to at least mention aspergers or whatever it is.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  11. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,007
    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2016
    Karma:
    +2,060
    Huh, she sounds alot like me actually. I never initiate conversations, usually wont ask questions of that sort much, and so on.

    But it's not a lack of caring. It's just the way I'm wired. Initiating conversations for instance... simply wont occur to me. But if someone starts talking at me, I'll always start talking back. And asking someone something about themselves? I always figure... if there's something important I need to know, they'll tell me. But also, 90% of the time when people are talking about their day or stuff they like or whatever, I have no clue what they're saying. If my limited interests dont mesh with whatever the topic is, it wont register with me very well. Logically then, there's little point in that sort of small talk if it's just going to bounce off me anyway. Again though, that doesnt mean there's no caring there. Fortunately in my case what few friends I do have all understand all this stuff about me and put up with it well enough.

    So... maybe she's a bit like that? The traits you describe arent exactly uncommon to those on the spectrum (though obviously not everyone has them) so it's not a far-fetched idea. Have certainly witnessed these concepts in plenty of others I've met that are on the spectrum.

    Keep in mind that caring about someone or liking someone doesnt always mean that a constant "interest" needs to be shown. Some people just arent good at that.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  12. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,518
    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Karma:
    +4,487
    That is so me @Misery .
    I can care very much for someone yet I never think to ask things about them or the typical "How ya doing?"
    intro. I just never initiate a conversation, yet if they start talking I can talk for hours too, if the
    subject sparks my interest and I will talk about myself or answer their questions if it is someone I like.
    I am a good listener. But, always think if they want me to know something about themselves they will
    tell me.

    I know it probably comes off as I'm not interested or self-centered.
    But, that's just the way it is. I don't initiate.
    I've even had guys I feel a romantic interest in, but, it never shows. They have to do the asking.
    Once a guy I wanted to be romantic with so bad and we were like friends for two years
    before he made it clear how he felt.
    I was elated. Told him I felt the same.
    He said: "I had no idea. You sure never showed anything that would indicate you felt that way!"

    I always thought a lot of people on the spectrum were this way.
    He was on the spectrum too. No wonder it took two years to let each other know how we felt.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  13. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,291
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,451
    You are not a psychologist and you barely know her at all, you are in no place to diagnose her.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,007
    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2016
    Karma:
    +2,060
    While this is technically true, the frequent traits of being on the spectrum are... a little hard to miss, in alot of cases. Particularly for those that are themselves already on there... it becomes even easier to spot.

    This is one of the reasons why self-diagnosis is so very common. It's not really a "well I'm not even sure I have that happening, I should have an MRI first". It's more a "Yep, I do THAT all the freaking time".


    It's not a bad idea to suggest to someone that they might be on the spectrum if the signs are there, so long as they're made aware that only proper testing can 100% confirm it. It gives them the suggestion of perhaps looking into it further themselves, which can lead to useful learning.

    As for not knowing someone well enough, well... for some of us, even people that have known us for years dont REALLY know us that well... even if they're close friends. Many of us are just that darned introverted. Simply increasing the amount of time isnt likely to have a particularly huge effect.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  15. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,291
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,451
    Well sure that's certainly true, but suggesting to someone that they may show some autistic traits and pointing them in the direction of some resources if they are interested is different from "letting her know she is on the spectrum". Maybe I'm taking what he said to literally. That aside personally if someone I had known for 2 weeks suggested that I might be autistic I would think they were a presumptuous, insensitive asshole.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  16. Creep

    Creep Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Messages:
    562
    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2018
    Karma:
    +349
    You’ve known her for two weeks. That’s not much time at all to know another person. Building relationships takes time. Good luck in your journey.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  17. Stuart1975

    Stuart1975 New Member

    Messages:
    26
    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2019
    Karma:
    +30
    I used to live with someone in a house share (not in a relationship) we met through a mutual friend, she needed extra money I needed somewhere to live (my landlord died) and I work away most of the time. It worked pretty well. She has since found a boyfriend and moved on and house is mine. Anyway one Sunday after lunch she randomly mentions she has a daughter who has Aspergers and went to uni and is now doing quite nicely for herself, nothing remotely to do with what we were talking about. So I say oh great good for her but think odd thing to randomly say. Next day turn to internet and hey presto an epiphany,few weeks go by and I mention that Sunday she says she meant nothing by it but then occasionally says US ASPIES when referring to some quirk or something. I think my point is i am grateful she did mention it, so many things now make sense my whole life in fact. Sorry to go on.
     
  18. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,438
    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2013
    Karma:
    +1,018
    I personally thinks 2 weeks online is okay to try to get to know someone. Then, that person should be willing to plan to meet in-person after that. If they aren't wiling to at least try to plan, maybe they really shouldn't be dating. The point of quality dating after all is to actually meet in-person and try to enjoy each other. So, unless you like cyber dating or are specifically into that, 2 weeks is enough time to talk online. Some people try to play games and use this as a way to indicate their lack of interest because they don't actually want to tell you.

    I've met a few people who spoke online for several months before they met. When I hang out with them, I feel like their level and quality of interests and social interactions are very lackluster. I feel like it isn't fun to be around them, and that part of the reason it takes them so long to connect is because they desire a simple life. Not that this necessarily happens with everyone who takes months before actually meeting, but the very social nature of doing so will lend itself more likely to such personalities. This is personally not me, but it might work for you. Expect a lot of unwarranted rejections along the way possibly and a lot of game players.
     
  19. Peter Morrison

    Peter Morrison Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    539
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,647
    I think that what interests people can be explained in about 50 volumes of text. It's complicated. What I mean by her being young is that she might not be able to relate to the decisions, interests, and activities of people who have been out in the world facing these dilemmas and paths as an adult. When you are young, it is easy to see all avenues open to everyone, so their idealism can cloud their ability to relate to people who have had to make important decisions or face challenging situations. She may lack the life exposure and maturity you have already had to contend with.

    I see nothing wrong with discussing the "spectrum", but I am one of those who believes in keeping conversation honest and real. I am one of those who risks insulting people by sharing an observation or asking a potentially rude question. My advice comes with a caveat. I tend to agree with the others on this forum who generally believe that discussing the spectrum is based on individual relationships with those you care to involve. This would go both ways, admitting your own status or quizzing someone about theirs. I don't know why it would upset people, but apparently it does. ASD vs. NT - need a dictionary and a list of taboo topics, laminated in my back pocket.

    Just being your normal, natural self is the best anyone can offer. I use an expression: " If you meet me on a Tuesday, you see me on a Tuesday. If you meet me on a Wednesday, I am what you meet on Wednesday". I don't know how to change myself to "put my best foot forward". This is my version of being myself. Good day/bad day. Don't judge me in the first 3 minutes. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who does that anyway. Experience is a learning method.

    If you and she have nothing in common to discuss, maybe she isn't right for you. It could be youth or an insatiable need to talk. I have no idea. For the many quirks we possess, there are others out there as well. We are each in charge of ourselves. Be the honest you and ask or say whatever you want to discuss with her. I like to avoid potential regrets. You can always defend your honesty - no tricks, no schemes, no strategies.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1