Asperger's and disconnection

[seanaaronfay]

Hi all,

As an individual who's dealt with Asperger's for the past 12 years, I've struggled so much with making and finding friends my own age. I don't talk to much to anyone my age outside of work or school. My biggest struggle of all, which has essentially fueled the fire, is the loss of someone that mattered a lot to me. By loss, I don't mean death. But I mean that I've lost this person's prevalence in my life. It had everything to do with me, or I at least believe it had to do with me.

We met during an after-school function and had a class together the following school year. I grew to have such an endearing connection with her throughout this class we had together. We were in a class that assisted special needs kids that participated in our school's Best Buddies chapter. In that class, I felt so happy when I would chat with her, and especially the time we spent together as we helped a particular individual in the class. Throughout that period of time, I called her twice; and she answered both times (which was more than I could say for the other peers I ever tried to call). I also got to hug her a couple of times too; a means of showing affection that I was never able to do with anyone until then. Everything was perfect, until it all of sudden began to crash and burn. She eventually began to act strangely; and it came to the last time I ever called her. On that day, we talked for around a minute, and she then asked me to call her back in five minutes because she was driving somewhere (I believed her because I heard background noise that sounded like wind whipping through the phone). When I called her back five minutes later, she did not answer. I instantly became infuriated, as I believed she was blowing me off and didn't want to talk to me. Ever since that day, I'm learning that decision was the wrong one. I keep thinking about her and missing her everyday. She could have simply gotten herself too busy to answer, and did actually want to talk to me.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm rambling. I can't stop thinking about her. What I experienced feels like love to me, even though we were never romantically involved with each other. I've got so much to say, that I've decided to write a book about the experience in hopes of finding some closure among it all. I've landed myself here, also, in hopes of finding some closure as to whether I am an insane human-being for thinking what I experienced was love, or if I'm maybe right in thinking it was love. I feel like I love her, but I'm also afraid that I sound like a psycho for feeling that way.

I guess my question is am I right, or am I wrong, for feeling like I love her. Feel free to let me know if I'm rambling way too much, and if you don't have the slightest clue of what I'm trying to say.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Keigan]

Longing for someone who is no longer in our life is a significant aspie trait. We replay the memories both good and bad as it is what our minds do, a simple loop. Is what it is until someone new comes along and the cycle of friendship restarts.

You are the only person who can say how you feel, don't let anyone try to change that or tell you that you are wrong. Same as we think differently, we feel and express differently.

 

[Alaska]

No, I do not think you are psycho. It sounds as if this is your first experience with love, or something related to it. It is to be expected that you will feel turbulent and strong emotions about such an important subject. You may calm down more as time passes and you gain more experience.

Look through this site and see what other Aspies and Auties have experienced. It will probably help you to find the right person for you in the future. Do not be discouraged.

 

[ksheehan88]

So I have a similar issue, but this person is still in my life on a regular basis - but I am always waiting for them to disappear. I almost want them to cut contact, because that way the anticipation is stopped and I will have no choice but to deal with the grief. Right now I should be enjoying this persons presence, and while I do when I am with them every other moment is filled with the terror that at any moment they will leave my life.

 

[seanaaronfay]

Longing for someone who is no longer in our life is a significant aspie trait. We replay the memories both good and bad as it is what our minds do, a simple loop. Is what it is until someone new comes along and the cycle of friendship restarts.

You are the only person who can say how you feel, don't let anyone try to change that or tell you that you are wrong. Same as we think differently, we feel and express differently.

I really appreciate you kind words Keigan. Every night, the thoughts of being around her — and wishing she was still around — put me to sleep. There are so many times where someone, or something, reminds me of her. It just leaves me wondering if NTs would think of me as psychotic for having borderline-addictive feelings for her. Again, I really appreciate the reminder that I'm the one who knows how I feel. I would never allow anyone to deny how I feel.

No, I do not think you are psycho. It sounds as if this is your first experience with love, or something related to it. It is to be expected that you will feel turbulent and strong emotions about such an important subject. You may calm down more as time passes and you gain more experience.

Look through this site and see what other Aspies and Auties have experienced. It will probably help you to find the right person for you in the future. Do not be discouraged.

To be clear, I had relationship attempts with other NT girls in the past. I had a rough time in middle school. I clung to a girl I liked for a year and a half. I was a high-grade creeper with girls my age back then. After a break, I tried finding a relationship again in my junior year of high school. After two rejections, this person I'm speaking of came into the picture.

However, I have a strong belief that she was my first true experience with love just based off of how I feel now, after letting go of her.

So I have a similar issue, but this person is still in my life on a regular basis - but I am always waiting for them to disappear. I almost want them to cut contact, because that way the anticipation is stopped and I will have no choice but to deal with the grief. Right now I should be enjoying this persons presence, and while I do when I am with them every other moment is filled with the terror that at any moment they will leave my life.

Wow, to me, that would be so much more painful. I think I experienced that feeling a bit while she was around. The class we were in was a one semester class. However, after having the class in my first semester of that year, I transferred into that class again for the following semester. During the first semester, we got along so well together. I was immersed with so many things I never before experienced. Then, when the second semester came, things took a depressing turn as she wasn't the same warm person she was before.

So in that sense, I relate to that feeling you have about this person in your life. During that second semester, it hurt to have to be in class with her as our relationship began deteriorating. I was also worried about the time when I wouldn't see her ever again (the time I'm in right now). I've been seeking closure ever since the last time I spoke to her, but sometimes I fear it will never come. It feels impossible to move on without that closure. I've realized that about myself.

 

[ksheehan88]

I really appreciate you kind words Keigan. Every night, the thoughts of being around her — and wishing she was still around — put me to sleep. There are so many times where someone, or something, reminds me of her. It just leaves me wondering if NTs would think of me as psychotic for having borderline-addictive feelings for her. Again, I really appreciate the reminder that I'm the one who knows how I feel. I would never allow anyone to deny how I feel.


To be clear, I had relationship attempts with other NT girls in the past. I had a rough time in middle school. I clung to a girl I liked for a year and a half. I was a high-grade creeper with girls my age back then. After a break, I tried finding a relationship again in my junior year of high school. After two rejections, this person I'm speaking of came into the picture.

However, I have a strong belief that she was my first true experience with love just based off of how I feel now, after letting go of her.


Wow, to me, that would be so much more painful. I think I experienced that feeling a bit while she was around. The class we were in was a one semester class. However, after having the class in my first semester of that year, I transferred into that class again for the following semester. During the first semester, we got along so well together. I was immersed with so many things I never before experienced. Then, when the second semester came, things took a depressing turn as she wasn't the same warm person she was before.

So in that sense, I relate to that feeling you have about this person in your life. During that second semester, it hurt to have to be in class with her as our relationship began deteriorating. I was also worried about the time when I wouldn't see her ever again (the time I'm in right now). I've been seeking closure ever since the last time I spoke to her, but sometimes I fear it will never come. It feels impossible to move on without that closure. I've realized that about myself.

I'm reassured that were are good and just as close as always, but that nagging doubt is always there.

I need real closure too. Unless I get a definitive answer or reason, I can't let it go. I NEED to know why and when.

I hope you find the closure you need and you start to feel better

 

[Sabrina]

When I was your age I had a long relationship with a boy (best friends from age 14, in a relationship from age 16). We were romantic, but never had intercourse. At almost 19, we broke up.

You might not like what I'm going to tell you, but here it goes: it's been 24 years since we broke up and I still dream about him and think about him sometimes. Many times I've tried to give that relationship "closure", but he would "come back" always in the form of dreams or just random thoughts.

I know that that teenager that I was in love with, doesn't exist anymore, that there's a man somewhere with his name in real
life. But I've given up trying to erase him from mind. I've accepted that he's an imaginary companion that I will always have.

The pain does recede with time, though.

 

[seanaaronfay]

I'm reassured that were are good and just as close as always, but that nagging doubt is always there.

I need real closure too. Unless I get a definitive answer or reason, I can't let it go. I NEED to know why and when.

I hope you find the closure you need and you start to feel better

Thank you. I've come to realize that I will always be fighting for closure until it comes; I'll never truly feel better until I receive that closure I'm looking for (even if that closure is finding out she never had any feelings for me to begin with).

 

[seanaaronfay]

When I was your age I had a long relationship with a boy (best friends from age 14, in a relationship from age 16). We were romantic, but never had intercourse. At almost 19, we broke up.

You might not like what I'm going to tell you, but here it goes: it's been 24 years since we broke up and I still dream about him and think about him sometimes. Many times I've tried to give that relationship "closure", but he would "come back" always in the form of dreams or just random thoughts.

I know that that teenager that I was in love with, doesn't exist anymore, that there's a man somewhere with his name in real
life. But I've given up trying to erase him from mind. I've accepted that he's an imaginary companion that I will always have.

The pain does recede with time, though.

It's an unfortunate thing to have to accept. I always worry that that's all she will ever be to me. I'm frustrated because I can't have a chance to have a final remark, and because I feel like I never took the chance to appreciate her presence at that period of my life. It's like I took it all for granted. However, I was also afraid of sharing these feelings with her because I thought she would think I was taking things too far; or worse, neglect what I was saying to her. It's like my immense love for her leaves me craving her presence again, but I unfortunately have to live with the reality I live with now, which is her separation from me and maybe only occupying my mind and that's it.

 

[Sabrina]

A big virtual hug to you, this time that you are going through is very tough.

 

[seanaaronfay]

Thank you. I'm trying to get through it

 

[Grandmother B]

Hi all,

As an individual who's dealt with Asperger's for the past 12 years, I've struggled so much with making and finding friends my own age. I don't talk to much to anyone my age outside of work or school. My biggest struggle of all, which has essentially fueled the fire, is the loss of someone that mattered a lot to me. By loss, I don't mean death. But I mean that I've lost this person's prevalence in my life. It had everything to do with me, or I at least believe it had to do with me.

We met during an after-school function and had a class together the following school year. I grew to have such an endearing connection with her throughout this class we had together. We were in a class that assisted special needs kids that participated in our school's Best Buddies chapter. In that class, I felt so happy when I would chat with her, and especially the time we spent together as we helped a particular individual in the class. Throughout that period of time, I called her twice; and she answered both times (which was more than I could say for the other peers I ever tried to call). I also got to hug her a couple of times too; a means of showing affection that I was never able to do with anyone until then. Everything was perfect, until it all of sudden began to crash and burn. She eventually began to act strangely; and it came to the last time I ever called her. On that day, we talked for around a minute, and she then asked me to call her back in five minutes because she was driving somewhere (I believed her because I heard background noise that sounded like wind whipping through the phone). When I called her back five minutes later, she did not answer. I instantly became infuriated, as I believed she was blowing me off and didn't want to talk to me. Ever since that day, I'm learning that decision was the wrong one. I keep thinking about her and missing her everyday. She could have simply gotten herself too busy to answer, and did actually want to talk to me.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm rambling. I can't stop thinking about her. What I experienced feels like love to me, even though we were never romantically involved with each other. I've got so much to say, that I've decided to write a book about the experience in hopes of finding some closure among it all. I've landed myself here, also, in hopes of finding some closure as to whether I am an insane human-being for thinking what I experienced was love, or if I'm maybe right in thinking it was love. I feel like I love her, but I'm also afraid that I sound like a psycho for feeling that way.

I guess my question is am I right, or am I wrong, for feeling like I love her. Feel free to let me know if I'm rambling way too much, and if you don't have the slightest clue of what I'm trying to say.

Thanks in advance!

Just call her. It sounds like you felt pretty comfortable with her; she will probably understand your feelings if you just open up. Good luck!

 

[Thursday]

No one can tell you exactly what love is like. Sometimes, a gesture can leave such a lasting impression that it becomes the foundation for a deeper relationship. Ultimately, only you can tell what your feelings are, and those may even change with you as you age.

As for closure...there's the possibility that you'll still long for her whether you were able to end things neatly or not. There people who will want to sugarcoat or downplay their responses to soften the blow, and that might add to the confusion. There are some who will avoid giving an answer altogether, as the absence is the answer itself. And there are also those who, just like you, are dealing with their own mix of emotions who may respond either way.

In the end, just be kind to yourself. Determine a course of action, be open to both good and bad results, then leave it at that...if it means calling her and having her drop the call or avoid you, then accept that as your answer and do your best to move on. If the response is favorable, then all the better.

 

[Bella Pines]

I've decided to write a book about the experience in hopes of finding some closure among it all

An aspie trait is character creation and story telling. You've already solved your own problem. Sounds like you created a character of the perfect woman and projected her onto this individual.

I guess my question is am I right, or am I wrong, for feeling like I love her.

Right. The answer is always right. And how wonderful and rare that you have experienced the feeling of love.

It is a complex concept but how you see people is not always the same as how they see themselves. Both are real. Your perception of her is real and her perception of herself is real. Her perception of you is real and your perception of you is real. There is no absolute truth, just a shared dream. We simply co-exist.

So do what you have to do in order to sort your head out, and what a perfect outlet is story telling. And what an entrancing story this leading lady will make.

 

[seanaaronfay]

Just call her. It sounds like you felt pretty comfortable with her; she will probably understand your feelings if you just open up. Good luck!

If only it were that simple. I do appreciate you input though — don't get me wrong — but I've called her once before and didn't receive anything from her. I did have a couple of private conversations with her about how I felt for her. But it seemed like it was just masked by the fact that (a) she was in a (not-so-perfect) relationship at the time, and (b) I had made attempts to tell her about my autism diagnosis. She seemed to playfully brush it off and treat me like I was just a bit quirky, and nothing more than that. She always told me that it was "sweet" that I was saying the kind and sincere things I said to her; that she had beautiful eye, beautiful hair, and a wonderful heart (it sound sappy — I know). I also got to hug her, call her (and actually have her answer), and overall experience things I never had experienced before.

I guess what messes with my mind is that, within those experiences, I felt like she genuinely cared about what I said to her. There was one time I actually decided to ask her out on a date, figuring I hadn't heard much from her about her boyfriend at the time. I asked her out, she smirked a bit, and said that she was still working things out with her boyfriend. But she smirked, and that seemed to tell me that I wasn't horrifically rejected. Or maybe I was? That's an example of the uneasiness I live with currently.

Maybe it opens my mind to giving it a second chance somehow, but I've always had such trepidation with making more than one attempt. It's like I worry that with every attempt to reach out to her, it's just one step closer to the edge, meaning that she would begin to become annoyed with me calling her and hounding her.

An aspie trait is character creation and story telling. You've already solved your own problem. Sounds like you created a character of the perfect woman and projected her onto this individual.



Right. The answer is always right. And how wonderful and rare that you have experienced the feeling of love.

It is a complex concept but how you see people is not always the same as how they see themselves. Both are real. Your perception of her is real and her perception of herself is real. Her perception of you is real and your perception of you is real. There is no absolute truth, just a shared dream. We simply co-exist.

So do what you have to do in order to sort your head out, and what a perfect outlet is story telling. And what an entrancing story this leading lady will make.

I'm confused as to what you're trying to say. The book has been a tremendous experience for me, and I understand that we both have our perceptions about ourselves — internally and externally. But this book is intended to be a memoir, not a novel. Maybe that's where my confusion lies (although I neglected to mention that key part about the book).

I totally don't mean to sound harsh, and I really appreciate you're input, but I guess I'm just confused as to how what you're saying is supposed to help me (aside from writing the book)?

 

[Bella Pines]

But this book is intended to be a memoir, not a novel.

Memoir, diary, journal, short story, magazine column, novel, novella, or even forum post, it matters not. If you need closure or to come to terms with your feelings, any writing is therapeutic.

I totally don't mean to sound harsh, and I really appreciate you're input, but I guess I'm just confused as to how what you're saying is supposed to help me (aside from writing the book)?

Hey, I have aspergers, there is not such thing as harsh

It sounds (from the brief glimpse into your world) that you have created the perfect woman in your head. You feel love which is quite real, you think about her.

However, look at the situation objectively. There was no romantic connection, she acted strangely and has not called you.

There is a disconnect. It sounds like there is woman in your head, your perfect partner, which you imprinted on this woman. But this does not sound like that is who she really was.

What I am saying is that we (aspie, autistic) have such a wonderful and colorful imagination, which is often far richer than the real world. In fact it's not just an autistic trait, after all, millions of teenaged girls genuinely fell in love with Edward Cullen. You are neither insane, psychotic or wrong. You haven't done anything. You simply have a gift for romance which writing can help express.

 

[Lady Penelope]

Since becoming aware of my HFA i have revisited past relationships ...romantic or otherwise...and i have to agree with the comments here about projecting, romanticising, fantasising and obsessing to the point where sleep alluded me, the future conversations i made up were enriching, the feelings associated with love were felt in that sleep, food, chores, etc. Nothing mattered. I was feeling euphoric at a thought. My thoughts. But in reality i had bolstered them to an unattainable height. A perfect version if who i thought they could be. Not as they were. I ignored what didn't fit my fantasy and clung onto that which i could stretch to kind of fit. I fell in love with a fantasy but gave them a face and a real person's body.

I have done this over and over again. But i am now aware of what i do and can put checks in place. Best thing i ever did was acknowledge that a person's ACTIONS must match their WORDS. I was susceptible to only hearing the silver tongues and failing to see that their actions did not back them up.

Who cares if what you felt was real or not. It was real enough to you. Cherish that you have the capacity to feel love. There are so many manipulative pr1cks who cannot feel anything and wreak havoc on those with kind hearts.

Unrequited love hurts more because there is no reciprocity. The lack of knowing drives us crazy.

Perhaps you can think of it like she wasn't interested. That way you can let her go and find someone who does care how you feel.

But most of all ...Be kind to yourself.

 

[seanaaronfay]

Memoir, diary, journal, short story, magazine column, novel, novella, or even forum post, it matters not. If you need closure or to come to terms with your feelings, any writing is therapeutic.



Hey, I have aspergers, there is not such thing as harsh

It sounds (from the brief glimpse into your world) that you have created the perfect woman in your head. You feel love which is quite real, you think about her.

However, look at the situation objectively. There was no romantic connection, she acted strangely and has not called you.

There is a disconnect. It sounds like there is woman in your head, your perfect partner, which you imprinted on this woman. But this does not sound like that is who she really was.

What I am saying is that we (aspie, autistic) have such a wonderful and colorful imagination, which is often far richer than the real world. In fact it's not just an autistic trait, after all, millions of teenaged girls genuinely fell in love with Edward Cullen. You are neither insane, psychotic or wrong. You haven't done anything. You simply have a gift for romance which writing can help express.

I cannot fathom thinking of her as "the perfect woman in my head". I feel like that just masks the situation at hand. She is someone that I respect greatly, and I fully despise thinking of her as someone that "does not sound like who she really is". I understand you're trying to help me out with this predicament I'm in, and I appreciate your recognition of my "gift for romance", but I cannot accept feeling like I "haven't done anything". Something must have happened, whether romantic or not, but it's merely a constant recollection of what happened within that span of time. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your intentions behind the statements you're making, but I'm struggling to find any kind of aid within the statements you're making.

Since becoming aware of my HFA i have revisited past relationships ...romantic or otherwise...and i have to agree with the comments here about projecting, romanticising, fantasising and obsessing to the point where sleep alluded me, the future conversations i made up were enriching, the feelings associated with love were felt in that sleep, food, chores, etc. Nothing mattered. I was feeling euphoric at a thought. My thoughts. But in reality i had bolstered them to an unattainable height. A perfect version if who i thought they could be. Not as they were. I ignored what didn't fit my fantasy and clung onto that which i could stretch to kind of fit. I fell in love with a fantasy but gave them a face and a real person's body.

I have done this over and over again. But i am now aware of what i do and can put checks in place. Best thing i ever did was acknowledge that a person's ACTIONS must match their WORDS. I was susceptible to only hearing the silver tongues and failing to see that their actions did not back them up.

Who cares if what you felt was real or not. It was real enough to you. Cherish that you have the capacity to feel love. There are so many manipulative pr1cks who cannot feel anything and wreak havoc on those with kind hearts.

Unrequited love hurts more because there is no reciprocity. The lack of knowing drives us crazy.

Perhaps you can think of it like she wasn't interested. That way you can let her go and find someone who does care how you feel.

But most of all ...Be kind to yourself.

I also appreciate your help, but again, it infuriates me to think that it was just a feeling that I was expressing. I feel like you're telling me that I didn't have a true connection with her, and that loving her is simply a "gift" I have. How I felt about her, I know, was real. I fell like treating her as someone that is just prevalent inside my head as this "distant chimera" dehumanizes the situation I'm in. The issue I'm having isn't whether I do or do not have a gift for love, the issue I'm having is finding a way to write the wrong, even if it means finding a way to let go from her. Talking about her as a "fantasy inside my head" just sounds dehumanizing to me.

 

[Bella Pines]

I cannot fathom thinking of her as "the perfect woman in my head".

Fair enough, you know your life and your head better than a stranger on the internet and therefore if you say the situation is a certain way then that is how it must be.

finding a way to write the wrong, even if it means finding a way to let go from her.

Regardless of the situation, seeking to control addictive feelings is always worthwhile. You must already know that we get very passionate, borderline obsessive about things. Any things, be it collecting something, feeling something, studying something. The passion and focus is great benefit of aspergers if correctly channeled and tightly controlled.

It sounds like you have these feelings and are seeking to ease up a fraction?

If so, how about

• A distraction? Can you control your obsessions and start a new project?
• A similar situation? Maybe this grew from your situation of assisting the special needs kids, I know that environment is incredibly emotionally charged and last time I was in it I cried for days. Maybe it is your destiny to help in those sorts of clas
• Music? Are you musical or mathematical, can you write songs?

And no one thinks you are a psycho, passion and obsession, with adequate controls in place, can be a true gift.

 

[OlLiE]

Love is a weird thing. It has to go both ways, and in our cases it involves a lot of understanding and acceptance from and by these rare individuals we really like.

I have always felt uncomfortable around 99% of people and the feeling is mutual i expect. There are times i found some that actually seemed to accept me and appreciate my hidden strengths rather than focus on my evident limitations, it was great and impacted me hugely, someone who would finally like me for who i am.

BUT, my mind runs too fast, 'i like you', 'you are nice to me', 'done deal'.. Regrettably 'normal' people don't work that way. If you overwhelm them with your love/gratitude they feel its going too fast and it makes them uncomfortable, like they are just along for the ride. Desperation never sells well either. They often haven't felt the loneliness and rejection that many of us have played out in our minds over and over, trying to understand.

If you really like this woman for who she is and what she has to offer as a person and an individual (and not only because of her acceptance of you), then talk to her. It has to go both ways, if she is willing to be friends and nothing further, at least you have a friend, if you date and break up at least you had the good times together. I try to live in today (mixed success) and one of my mantras is to not worry about things/people you can't change, coulda - woulda -shoulda is an exercise in futility and frustration that leads nowhere, imo its a waste of time and a bad use of the limited energy I have to experience emotion. Focus on what you can do while respecting the other person's boundries.

Sorry for being long winded, in short talk to her and accept what she has to offer be it nothing, friendship, a short relationship or a long relationship.

I hope this was helpful even if only a bit.
Good luck