Ashamed of stimming?

[Kalinychta]

I’m curious to know how others feel about this. I’ve rocked my entire life, but I had absolutely no idea that I was autistic until I was diagnosed about two years ago. When I was a kid, I rocked freely in front of my family—on the couch, on the floor, in the car, in my bed. It wasn’t until I was “junior high school age” that I realized it wasn’t normal. And so from then on, including into adulthood, I became deeply ashamed of it and only did it in secret when I was alone - and of course had absolutely no explanation for or understanding of it.

Have you felt ashamed of your stimming? Did you hide it as a child, and/or do you hide it now? After I was diagnosed with autism, I “came out” to my family and friends about my rocking, and it was an incredible relief. Have you done the same with your family/friends? Have you talked about your stimming? How do you feel about it? Do you accept/embrace it or nay?

 

[Sarah S]

I have never felt any shame for any of my Diagnosis nor will i ever feel ashamed for any Tics or other difficulties connected to said diagnosis. And i have been regarded and treated as an retard /idiot weirdo / outsider etc.... Most of my life up to adult due to them so not that many that reacted to specific tics from my ord behavior.

Its as i said many times before i havent asked to be born with all this diagnosis so i will be darned if i would start to feel ashamed or ask for forgiveness for them

I havent talked to anyone about my tics no. As i see no need to do it they are there and if anyone wants to know all they need to do is ask me and il be happy to explain to them

I dont embrace any of my tics or diagnosis BUT i have accepted them. (After fighting against them most of my life )

As i see it either accept me as i am with all my diagnosis and what comes with them or if you feel you cant or dont want to then its better we go our separate ways . Simple as that

 

[Progster]

I stim a lot, all the time and no, I do not feel ashamed. Ashamed of what? I'm not hurting myself or anyone else. However, I know that certain stims can disturb people, so I do try not to make noise around other people when they are working or concentrating.

 

[Misery]

I simply dont care.

Never really did.

 

[Kalinychta]

I stim a lot, all the time and no, I do not feel ashamed. Ashamed of what? I'm not hurting myself or anyone else. However, I know that certain stims can disturb people, so I do try not to make noise around other people when they are working or concentrating.

Well, I guess it depends on the stim. If you have the more “classic” autistic stims such is rocking, hand flapping, or twirling (versus like, fiddling with paperclips or something),... I mean, it’s not like I can sit down in public and rock and not feel a bit odd about it, you know? It’s highly unusual behavior, hence potential shame/embarrassment.

 

[Mia]

The stims I have, are dancing and doing martial arts kicks. Very early on in my life the nuns of the convent made it clear what was acceptable and what was not. So much so I don't even remember if I had any stims early on. If I did they eradicated them.
Do remember that one sibling twirled their hair, and pulled some of it out. Another rocked, and another sucked their thumb well into their teenage years. My husband stims, usually while driving, or flaps his hands when he has excess energy. I sometimes stim while driving in heavy traffic with my hands, but that's relatively new in the last ten years.

 

[UberScout]

It's like I always say:

Let he who has both hands do however he pleases with each finger.

 

[Progster]

Well, I guess it depends on the stim. If you have the more “classic” autistic stims such is rocking, hand flapping, or twirling (versus like, fiddling with paperclips or something),... I mean, it’s not like I can sit down in public and rock and not feel a bit odd about it, you know? It’s highly unusual behavior, hence potential shame/embarrassment.

Paper clips? No, I don't mean fiddling with paper clips. I mean, rocking or pacing or other stims that people do notice and sometimes comment on. I'm not trying to invalidate your experience in any way, I'm just answering your question... I've learned that I need to suppress some stims because they annoy people or bring me into conflict with them, but not others. I don't feel ashamed, but at the same time I don't want conflict with others. I hope that's clear.

 

[Aspychata]

I try to find less in your face stims. However involuntary body movements can inhibit and explode causing me to slap my thighs, jump, laugh profusely, or sing to myself. But l love ballet, belly dancing, and jazz so l think l come across as graceful. (hopefully).

 

[Rasputin]

I do a lot of pacing in private when I am thinking. At other times I shake my feet and rub my scalp. I also rock back and forth in stressful confrontations. I don't usually worry about it.

The biggest annoyance is in talking with other people, when someone comments I am talking too loudly. Then to compensate I start talking in this quiet monotone voice that irritates me. It is my belief that certain people who know of your ASD diagnosis will intentionally look for something to call you out on. So my attitude is they have a bigger problem than I have. I would prefer to not talk to them at all.

 

[Judge]

Only figured it out some seven or so years ago. At my age, it's too late to be ashamed about who and what I am. I often sway back and forth if standing upright and stationary, and often pace in circles if or when I'm deep in thought. Walking pensively with my hands in my pockets, as if I was a judge.

 

[Rasputin]

Only figured it out some seven or so years ago. At my age, it's too late to be ashamed about who and what I am. I often sway back and forth if standing upright and stationary, and often pace in circles if or when I'm deep in thought. Walking pensively with my hands in my pockets, as if I was a judge.

You described my stimming habits.

 

[PastelPetals]

I have always stimmed and I have always stimmed a lot but in high school I had to teach myself that the things I used to use as stims where ok (like flapping or making noises) since I had been made fun of for them. But they are helpful to me. When I was not doing those I still stimmed a lot by jumping, twirling, tapping, humming and many more some I could not repress even if I tried.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

i'm not,not even sexually.

 

[Trophonius]

Because of how my family members think of autism, I haven't talk to them about it, nor I will.

Any behavior that could be considered stimming I do when I'm alone. When I'm with others I try to blend as much as possible, albeit unsuccessfully. I try to be spend the least possible time with others because of this, I feel I have to pay attention to every move I make.

 

[Rasputin]

Because of how my family members think of autism, I haven't talk to them about it, nor I will.

Any behavior that could be considered stimming I do when I'm alone. When I'm with others I try to blend as much as possible, albeit unsuccessfully. I try to be spend the least possible time with others because of this, I feel I have to pay attention to every move I make.

I receive criticism for no other reason than being different from the norm, sometimes even from my wife and her sister. The reason is they have read stereotyped mischaracterizations online, and think by constantly calling me out that I will change. It makes me not want to be around them.

Ultimately I am who I am, and can not be someone else.

 

[Daydreamer]

I think of myself as being probably BAP (Broad Autism Phenotype) with suspected social anxiety.

Anyway, I stim and I am self-conscious about it. I hand-flap and rock along with a few other things, but they are the main ones. The rocking occurs in times of great stress, I've done this in my coding lessons and in a lecture. Usually I try to avoid doing this in public, but sometimes I find myself doing it without meaning to. It does concern people occasionally. That's why I don't like doing it in public.

I hand-flap more often than I rock. This can happen when I'm overwhelmed, annoyed, stressed, or excited. I used to be under the impression that I didn't do this in public, but this turned out to be false. One time I had a conversation with a friend and they told me "You know, I can always tell when you're stressed since you always do this" and then imitated my hand-flapping. Turns out I've been doing that a lot more often than I'd realised. I know I've noticed it quite a bit when editing video footage of me.

Thankfully, I am rarely criticised for my hand-flapping. I have on the odd occasion been told not to do it in the past, but nowadays people don't bother me about it. The flapping changes depending on the emotion, if it's excited flapping then it's up and down (usually facing inward), but if it's negative it's side to side and facing outwards.

I also have quite a noticeable tell, if I'm holding back then I'll quite literally hold my back. Then, if I flick my hand upwards the issue is with the external environment and if I pat down on my back then the issue is with internal stress. If I go between the two, it means both are stressing me out. This is something I do without meaning to, and I've noticed this during video editing. In one of my video outtakes, I lose my train of thought and make a droning noise. For a brief moment you can see me hand-flap and then I grab my back. At that moment, I was holding back emotionally since I didn't want to get agitated too much because I didn't want to waste limited recording time.

 

[Ylva]

When I'm not around other people, mainly NTs, I feel no need to stim. Unless I get possessed by worries about being around them, of course. If I felt ashamed – and I have – I would just need to stim more, so I'm actually saving myself a lot of work by choosing not to be ashamed.

 

[Kalinychta]

Paper clips? No, I don't mean fiddling with paper clips. I mean, rocking or pacing or other stims that people do notice and sometimes comment on. I'm not trying to invalidate your experience in any way, I'm just answering your question... I've learned that I need to suppress some stims because they annoy people or bring me into conflict with them, but not others. I don't feel ashamed, but at the same time I don't want conflict with others. I hope that's clear.

That’s very true. Maybe “ashamed” isn’t the right word at all. I’m not actually embarassed by it anymore “in theory,” but neither would I ever dream of doing it in public if I could help it. I’m both ashamed and not ashamed, at the very same time.

 

[Progster]

That’s very true. Maybe “ashamed” isn’t the right word at all. I’m not actually embarassed by it anymore “in theory,” but neither would I ever dream of doing it in public if I could help it. I’m both ashamed and not ashamed, at the very same time.

I'm often self-conscious about it, but not ashamed. For me, shame implies moral wrong-doing, but there isn't anything morally wrong with stimming, so I can't say that I feel ashamed by it.