AS/AS relationships

[Ocarina]

Hello

I'm fairly recently diagnosed, previously married had have been in a relationship with an an AS man for the last 4 years. We split last year for 6 months and both missed each other, felt that we were able to effect the changes needed to make things work and got back together 8 months ago.

There are real positives - we share many of the same interests, are physically compatible, both intelligent, curious - he's taken on some of my own interests, but at the moment I'm struggling with the emotional - and physical, distance that seems to have come with time.

Everything is planned last minute - despite me asking for more notice: I have a busy job and children and I simply can't (and don't want to) drop everything because he feels like seeing me. It doesn't feel good and so often I just end up saying no - or "No, it's too last minute". Then I end up not seeing him for a week or so until the next last minute invite....

Recently I've also noticed he's becoming more distant - he has given up alcohol (I think he may be a functional alcoholic) so socially he's finding it more difficult than previously. I also find myself drifting away into my own life because I'm hyper aware that if I neglect myself and my life I'm going to feel resentful.

I suggest plans now and then - and we still do some fun things together but this is becoming few and far between. There seems to be very little "togetherness" and "us" in our relationship and I know my withdrawal behaviour isn't helping this.....I certainly don't feel loved or cared for - he's never said he loved me (OK once years ago when he'd been drinking!) yet he made it clear when we got back together that he wanted our relationship to endure in the long term.

I know we need to find a solution together - or just accept that it's over, but in all honesty I don't know where or how to start.

Thanks you

 

[garnetflower13]

I'm no expert on this, but I think this distancing happens with Aspies a lot! When I first started seeing my husband, we started out dating, then he moved partially in (spending the night sometimes) and around that time I started to feel the way you do - I began to feel distant, and we nearly broke up for good. There were many factors going on: One, I had been single for a very long time and was resenting the together time more and more. He would feel distant at times too, but it was more so with me. There were new things to get used to, new habits, new routines, etc. It took a long time before we reached a sort of equilibrium. Sometimes it was hard to keep going, then I would realize how close we had become and how attached to each other we had grown.

Not saying it will be exactly that way with you, but if you allow yourselves lots of down time without drifting totally apart you may find if you want to stay together permanently or not. Try not to crowd each other and let things take a natural course.

 

[Ocarina]

Thank you Garnetflower,

That's a very considered answer and good advice - I tend to live very much in the moment and if the moment is good then all is rosy, if less so then it's a disaster and I seem to kind of check out emotionally, maybe out of self preservation. Hopefully recognising this is a good start.

We spent yesterday together and I made a conscious effort to stay present and by the end of the evening we both said how lucky we are so have each other and suddenly things felt OK.

You're right about allowing things to take their natural course too - both of us are increasingly self aware and still very much the best of friends (at least when we remember to put in some together time). I can't imagine living together - life is still so hectic for me with children, but I'd like to think that one day that will naturally evolve.

 

[garnetflower13]

Glad to help! Also, keep in mind that you don't necessarily have to live together. Sounds weird, I know but I have read on other forums about couples who choose to live apart because of health reasons, or maybe one is very messy and the other isn't, etc. There are lots of options to choose from!

 

[Judge]

One, I had been single for a very long time and was resenting the together time more and more. He would feel distant at times too, but it was more so with me.

That's definitely an issue I have as well. Running contrary to maintaining healthy relationships that successfully balance time together as well as time being apart. Too bad I was never able to overcome this in my past relationships.

It kind of haunts me in wondering if I ever really could overcome this. Hmmmm.

 

[Ocarina]

Yes Judge and GarnetFlower, this is certainly an issue for both of us.

I think I may need more time together than he's able to give - and healthy relationships do need a balance. If we don't see each other enough then I begin to feel distant and it becomes a vicious circle. Not sure if this is workable in the long term or not - I would like to think so but I know that sometimes it takes more than both parties wanting to make it work, to actually make it workable!

 

[garnetflower13]

That's definitely an issue I have as well. Running contrary to maintaining healthy relationships that successfully balance time together as well as time being apart. Too bad I was never able to overcome this in my past relationships.

It kind of haunts me in wondering if I ever really could overcome this. Hmmmm.

Ah, don't let it haunt you. Some of are truly happier on our own. We have managed to achieve a pretty balanced mix of down time and together time but it took seven years. @ Judge: Unless you are planning to get into a relationship again, please don't beat yourself up for past mistakes. I think that a lot of Aspie/Aspie relationship (and even those with NTs) fail because both parties don't realize the importance of alone time. Aspies need time alone to process what has gone before, all it all piles up and then meltdowns or shutdowns happen, creating a vicious cycle of requiring even more alone time to deal with it all.