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Voltaic

Darth Binks is real.
I always have people telling me I am to blunt. They criticize me over it, but I do think it is something beneficial under the right circumstances. circumstances, that I do not always follow. I am going to express a stereotyped scenario, the scenario itself isn't the main focus. A guy and a girl are in a relationship. the guy does something the girl doesn't like, and instead of talking about it, she relegates the problem into her interactions with her boyfriend, and through sub-comunication in her speech, ie, alternative meanings other than what is expressed directly when talking. She never talks about what he did, instead she wants the guy to pick up on the social cues to realize he did something wrong, then make the connections to realize what he did wrong, then approach her on the problem, preferably apologizing. She is trying to solve the problem by not doing the hard thing, and directly talking about the problem, instead working with cues, and other non direct communication to express her dissatisfaction. The guy has the tricky part. First, he has to pick up on these cues, and realize she is angry, when not directly expressing anger. this is something that fly over a lot of peoples heads, not just aspies and other people on the spectrum. That is the first part, He has to then figure out what he did wrong. If he is lucky, then he can have an epiphany, and realize what he did wrong. Or, he could have no idea what made her angry, having to approach her realizing she is mad, but not knowing what about.

All this, or she tells him why he made her mad in the first place, bypassing this whole thing.

Of course, this is a hypothetical, but speaks an idea. People normally avoid talking directly about the big problems. If they still want to be somewhat expressive over it they express dissatisfaction through sub-communication, body language, and cues. if it comes to that, then they do want to be somewhat vocal about it, but they are unwilling to take the big step to approach the problem directly, possibly making it even worse as time goes on, with the sub-communicative expressions going unnoticed.

It is inefficient. Sub-Communication has it's time and place to be efficient, otherwise, I don't think it would have worked its way to such prevalence in our language. People rely on it to much, and use it for problems, and trying to express something where it makes the situation many times more complicated.

My own view on this whole thing is that because I am inherently bad at understanding sub-communication. I can't pick up on these signals and face the problem face to face. Also because of this, I can never tell if someone is telling the truth, if they mean what they are actually saying, or if it means something else. It gives me a lot of anxiety, so much in fact, that I would rather them hit me with the hard truth upfront. Tell me I'm being an jerk, tell me you are not happy with me, tell me the worst thing about how you view me upfront, so I don't have to guess, which often times tells me something worse.

I am likewise with others. When they are being a jerk, I tell them, when I am mad at them for something, I tell them. From there, we can actually work to solve the problem, instead of leaving it in the dark to fester into something worse. People don't like that about me sometimes, but it is efficient, and it works. You have to verbalize what you are mad about well enough to cover your full thoughts, and make it sounds reasonable. I am not bringing up these problems to criticize, but to fix them, and to move on. People take it as a personal attack. Maybe because they are not so used to someone being so direct. I have lost friends this way, for doing what I truly believe to be the best course of action. I look at it as them cloning to the belief such problems should be relegated to sub-communication and left there. To be honest, it makes me mad looking back. I took time to make what I had to say reasonable, and to be viewed as not a personal attack or criticism , but to fix the problem at hand to move on. To no avail.

I don't say that I am always blunt to be efficient, sometimes it just slips out, and is socially inappropriate for a good reason. Yes, even I of all people, make mistakes. These are just my thoughts on the matter, so I will end off with this.

Are you blunt? Is it intentional, or accidental? Have you lost friends because of this? really, this is just an open discussion on the subject matter.
 
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Yes, I've been told that I've been blunt, sometimes also "cold" when I've effectively told the truth in delicate situations without properly considering people's emotions, but it happened a lot more when I was younger and I often wouldn't understand why or how I'd upset people, in fact sometimes I didn't even know I'd upset someone until later when I was told directly and there's most likely loads of people I upset without ever knowing, obviously upsetting or annoying people was never my intention and it used to upset me as I couldn't prevent it.

As I've got older however I've learned to read people a lot better and in most cases I can also be compassionate if required, I'm by no means great at it and the improvement happened gradually over the years, but with practice even people on the higher end of the autistic spectrum can learn to be better at it even if they're emulating being an NT to achieve it.

Edit:

Here's an example of when I put my foot in it as a teenager. I was with my now late Nan and Grandad who I got on with very well most of the time. I hadn't learnt the art of insulting jokes while keeping good humour without upsetting the person and I obviously went too far (I'm still not the best at this and I worry even in threads like this which I really enjoy, but I don't want anyone to be genuinely insulted). We were all having a laugh and they were also joking about getting older, E.g. losing their memory, and I said, "don't worry you'll be dead soon anyway". I fully expected to get a laughing reaction like, "thank you ha ha ha", but instead it really upset them and instead of a good reaction I got a serious talking to asking why I said something so horrid and that neither of them were afraid of dying. At least they explained where I'd gone wrong however, a lot of people would have probably been very upset and I would have sat there still not realising I'd done anything wrong and I'd often not even know they were upset unless I was told directly.

I had another situation only about 15 years ago when I was in my early 30s. A friend excused himself to go home after we'd been chatting in a small group in a pub, I didn't suspect anything was wrong until the next day when I got asked by someone else in the group why I'd upset him, I never did know what I'd said wrong despite going round and round in my head the conversations of the evening and no-one would ever explain to me, I don't think they believed me when I said that I truly didn't understand and sadly my friend avoided me after that (he wasn't a close friend, but it still upset me).

In my early 20's I got repeatedly told by management that I was upsetting everyone at work in the office and I truly didn't know what I was doing wrong, it was soon an awful atmosphere as most people hated me and seemed to be looking for any excuse to complain about me to management. Eventually I was put into an office on my own since my excellent computer work saved me from dismissal. After a few years however people did start accepting me better and this continued to improve, sadly I lost the job after about 12 years due to ill health which felt even worse since I'd been promoted to quite an impressive position by then. I fought it, but Occupation Health kept insisting that I wasn't fit for work and after losing my job my life took a turn for the worse which I did eventually overcome, but sadly my health has deteriorated further since and despite being better at getting on with NTs than I was in my 20's I now have little chance of working ever again unless I can perhaps find work at home during the times I am more able and I'm now 48 years old.
 
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Worse. At least if I were blunt, I think I would be concise. Instead I elaborate on and on about exactly why I hold such and such opinion that others consider abrasive or harsh.
 
Firstly I think women tend to use cues rather than direct confrontation because other women are generally much better at picking up on them. They don't understand why men need to have things spelled out.
Second it is far less likely to lead to an argument which often means frayed tempers and things said which otherwise wouldn't be. Once things are said they can't be unsaid. In my own case, I can never apologize and say I didn't mean it.....because I only say things I mean. However I often wish I hadn't said them and wouldn't have done if emotions hadn't reached a point of no filter.
Many people are not comfortable with confrontation and will go to great lengths to avoid it. Therefore it follows that they will also avoid people who have a combative way of expressing themselves.

Edit.
I just realized another reason why I personally try to avoid situations which could potentially escalate, is because I'm highly sensitive to anything I perceive as criticism. Having been brought up by a narcissist mother who constantly criticized and denigrated me, I know my buttons can be pressed very easily. Once this happens and I get emotional, it can lead to a full blown meltdown which can take days, weeks or even months to recover from. Therefore, I will avoid going there if I can. That said though, I won't be bullied by anyone and will always defend myself regardless of the consequences. It can be a very fine line!
 
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I always have people telling me I am to blunt. They criticize me over it, but I do think it is something beneficial under the right circumstances. circumstances, that I do not always follow. I am going to express a stereotyped scenario, the scenario itself isn't the main focus. A guy and a girl are in a relationship. the guy does something the girl doesn't like, and instead of talking about it, she relegates the problem into her interactions with her boyfriend, and through sub-comunication in her speech, ie, alternative meanings other than what is expressed directly when talking. She never talks about what he did, instead she wants the guy to pick up on the social cues to realize he did something wrong, then make the connections to realize what he did wrong, then approach her on the problem, preferably apologizing. She is trying to solve the problem by not doing the hard thing, and directly talking about the problem, instead working with cues, and other non direct communication to express her dissatisfaction. The guy has the tricky part. First, he has to pick up on these cues, and realize she is angry, when not directly expressing anger. this is something that fly over a lot of peoples heads, not just aspies and other people on the spectrum. That is the first part, He has to then figure out what he did wrong. If he is lucky, then he can have an epiphany, and realize what he did wrong. Or, he could have no idea what made her angry, having to approach her realizing she is mad, but not knowing what about.

All this, or she tells him why he made her mad in the first place, bypassing this whole thing.

Of course, this is a hypothetical, but speaks an idea. People normally avoid talking directly about the big problems. If they still want to be somewhat expressive over it they express dissatisfaction through sub-communication, body language, and cues. if it comes to that, then they do want to be somewhat vocal about it, but they are unwilling to take the big step to approach the problem directly, possibly making it even worse as time goes on, with the sub-communicative expressions going unnoticed.

It is inefficient. Sub-Communication has it's time and place to be efficient, otherwise, I don't think it would have worked its way to such prevalence in our language. People rely on it to much, and use it for problems, and trying to express something where it makes the situation many times more complicated.

My own view on this whole thing is that because I am inherently bad at understanding sub-communication. I can't pick up on these signals and face the problem face to face. Also because of this, I can never tell if someone is telling the truth, if they mean what they are actually saying, or if it means something else. It gives me a lot of anxiety, so much in fact, that I would rather them hit me with the hard truth upfront. Tell me I'm being an jerk, tell me you are not happy with me, tell me the worst thing about how you view me upfront, so I don't have to guess, which often times tells me something worse.

I am likewise with others. When they are being a jerk, I tell them, when I am mad at them for something, I tell them. From there, we can actually work to solve the problem, instead of leaving it in the dark to fester into something worse. People don't like that about me sometimes, but it is efficient, and it works. You have to verbalize what you are mad about well enough to cover your full thoughts, and make it sounds reasonable. I am not bringing up these problems to criticize, but to fix them, and to move on. People take it as a personal attack. Maybe because they are not so used to someone being so direct. I have lost friends this way, for doing what I truly believe to be the best course of action. I look at it as them cloning to the belief such problems should be relegated to sub-communication and left there. To be honest, it makes me mad looking back. I took time to make what I had to say reasonable, and to be viewed as not a personal attack or criticism , but to fix the problem at hand to move on. To no avail.

I don't say that I am always blunt to be efficient, sometimes it just slips out, and is socially inappropriate for a good reason. Yes, even I of all people, make mistakes. These are just my thoughts on the matter, so I will end off with this.

Are you blunt? Is it intentional, or accidental? Have you lost friends because of this? really, this is just an open discussion on the subject matter.
Sadly you sound typically hostile about women,what women are saying is if your relationship was that loving why would anything happened at all !that's what sickens me about men re human relations between men and women ,why are men attentive , demonstrative and then they stop!!!.I can't see the point of a relationship if you do that.
That's probably what makes women angry in a relationship .
 
My brain forms a silent opinion,
More often than not my breath and vocal chords have made that thought public faster than I can interrupt the process and stop it.


Blunt is amongst the more pleasant descriptions people have used to label me.
 
Yes, I have been blunt my whole life. I have learned a lot of what not to say because of the volatile environment I grew up in but sometimes I still am blunt at the wrong times and kick myself if I've realized it. I am blunt consistently with my brother and best friend only as they accept me the way I am and prefer it the same way I do. I hate the run around though it is how a lot of people communicate.
 
Sadly you sound typically hostile about women,what women are saying is if your relationship was that loving why would anything happened at all !that's what sickens me about men re human relations between men and women ,why are men attentive , demonstrative and then they stop!!!.I can't see the point of a relationship if you do that.
That's probably what makes women angry in a relationship .



Edit: Do not reply. If you want to say somthing, PM me.

Stereotypes are based off of some truth. Yes I do not like somethings woman generally do, yes I believe men and women are different, yes I hate things women do, yes I hate things men do. it's the way we are we are, we act diffrently, and i see no problem in liking and disliking diffrences, there can be no other way that isn't detrimental. I am generalizing, saying all this, I do realise that not everyone fits perfectly into a group. There are patterns, there are differences that can be good or bad. To turn a blind eye to them doesn't help anything. If we as a society ignore them, we can't help aliviate the problems and release the tension. Ignoring these ideas and suppressing them is not working. We need to see these differences, and work off of our strengths that separate the sexes, and understand the problems as well. Call me sexist, but in doing so, you are the real person causing harm.

You asked for this. So don't get mad at me for brining up politics. No more of this in the thread.

Edit: I just dropped a political bomb shell. If you want to argue, talk, debate, I'm all ears. Just not in this thread, pm me. I'm all ears to whatever you might have to say, call me stupid if you like, but don't expect me to not tell you why that isn't the case.
 
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Stereotypes are based off of some truth. Yes I do not like somethings woman generally do, yes I believe men and women are different, yes I hate things women do, yes I hate things men do. it's the way we are we are, we act diffrently, and i see no problem in liking and disliking diffrences, there can be no other way that isn't detrimental. I am generalizing, saying all this, I do realise that not everyone fits perfectly into a group. There are patterns, there are differences that can be good or bad. To turn a blind eye to them doesn't help anything. If we as a society ignore them, we can't help aliviate the problems and release the tension. Ignoring these ideas and suppressing them is not working. We need to see these differences, and work off of our strengths that separate the sexes, and understand the problems as well. Call me sexist, but in doing so, you are the real person causing harm.

You asked for this. So don't get mad at me for brining up politics. No more of this in the thread.

Edit: I just dropped a political bomb shell. If you want to argue, talk, debate, I'm all ears. Just not in this thread, pm me. I'm all ears to whatever you might have to say, call me stupid if you like, but don't expect me to not tell you why that isn't the case.
You mentioned the word stupid I didn't you obviously don't like somebody giving a view that disagrees with yours .
You obviously don't want to see what i see
 
ac75 civil.png
 
Turning this thread into a battleground will get it closed to further replies.
 
Straight forward and blunt, yes.
@Fitzo her post pretty well fits how I deal with issues of this sort, so no need to repeat.
 
Not really, I try to express things in the politest way possible. Either to be kind, or because I'm afraid of the pushback, or both. I suppose I sometimes am blunt when I'm upset and angry, but I try not to let it go too far, since I'm scared of what the reaction will be.
 
F yes!!
Just kidding.
Well, sorta kidding. As a female, we are trained and bullied into being all cute and smiley. So we tend to be less blunt because we are trained. However, I do come out with things sometimes that I did not mean to be so blunt.
Now I just shut my mouth.
Oh, if I am not shutting up, I have started to swear A LOT because it cover a huge amount of social ills.
There are articles on swearing, how it relieves pressure, how it makes you more likeable, etc........
I just drop F bombs all over and everyone is OK with that. But when I used to talk about Kierkegaard all day, OMG!!!! YOU ARE INSANE!
F bomb GREAT! Soren---baaaaad.
 
Yes, I am blunt sometimes, specially when there’s an obvious mistake (for me), but I try hard not to be, unless I am certain that the person is going to take it well (I don’t always succeed).

A piece of advice :) to be a compassionate human being:

Do not ever be blunt
with someone that can’t handle it, specially kids, teenagers
and very old people.



Don’t tell a kid his drawing is ugly, for example. Do not tell anyone suffering (for mental or physical ailment, mourning, etc) “your truth”.

I am still working on it, I still screw up, but I try hard not to. Being calmed, and responsible for my own mental health is essential for this, because if I am mad, it’s more dificult to control myself.
 
F yes!!
Just kidding.
Well, sorta kidding. As a female, we are trained and bullied into being all cute and smiley. So we tend to be less blunt because we are trained. However, I do come out with things sometimes that I did not mean to be so blunt.
Now I just shut my mouth.
Oh, if I am not shutting up, I have started to swear A LOT because it cover a huge amount of social ills.
There are articles on swearing, how it relieves pressure, how it makes you more likeable, etc........
I just drop F bombs all over and everyone is OK with that. But when I used to talk about Kierkegaard all day, OMG!!!! YOU ARE INSANE!
F bomb GREAT! Soren---baaaaad.

I would say you’re joyously blunt :)

Fully signed up to the swearing.

What I used to do was take the ‘Mick ‘ out of people who swore.
By just stringing swear words together in nonsense speak or in songs.
C word song to Yankee Doodle dandy.
Only has one word :)
 
I would say you’re joyously blunt :)

Fully signed up to the swearing.

What I used to do was take the ‘Mick ‘ out of people who swore.
By just stringing swear words together in nonsense speak or in songs.
C word song to Yankee Doodle dandy.
Only has one word :)
You have to be one of the most creative people here, and that is saying a lot because the people here are very, very creative! You always make me smile!!!
 
You have to be one of the most creative people here, and that is saying a lot because the people here are very, very creative! You always make me smile!!!

Complete sidebar : just been listening to a podcast about the egyptian festival of drunkeness.
The god hathor. Their way to get in touch with the spirit world. Serious stuff.

Dionysus, bachus, not sure if hathos is the equivalent.

(Ty btw)
 

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