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Are these okay behaviors for a parent?

Lady Lucifer

Rejected Disney Princess
I'm 22 and the only person in my family diagnosed with HFAS. But I believe almost everyone in my family is AS or ASD. I'm also born with a minor birth defect (I'm missing a right eye) The relationship I have with my parents is emotionally abusive, as because of my various disabilities. I am considered lesser than human to them. I go to school out of state, but I return home during my summer and winter breaks.

My father is also an narcassist and has this unhealthy obession with me, becuase for the last few years I have tried to cut him out of my life. And he wants to "fix" our relationship by his "love." He dosen't believe in therapy (for himself) and dosen't believe in medication for mental illness (anti depressants, ADD medications, etc) Recently I got into a heated argument with my father becuase I called him out on his likely-AS inapproprite behavior.

Yesterday I was in the kitchen, while my mother was making dinner. I was refilling my pill box at the table for the week, like i normally do. And my father, grabs the pill bottles and asks like he is four "what are you taking?' I grab the bottle from him and say, "Your being invasive." He gets mad, "how am I being invasive." I take my meds, pillbox with me and head upstairs, telling him I don't want to have this conversation with him. He'd been literally picking arguments like this the entire day yesterday.

Earlier this afternoon, my mom questions my "outburst" towards my father the previous night. (I forgot to mention, my parents secretly hate each other) I tried to explain to her that I have been very uncomfortable with my father's obession with me and my "outburst" was about him invading my personal space. My mother tries to justify his behavior saying becuase he is my parent, he should know what I'm taking. I tried to explain to her this would be reasonable behavior if I was:
a) Under the age of 18
b) Was at risk at harming myself or others (which I have had a history of, but I am almost year clean of suicidal thoughts)
c) Didn't have the cognitive or physical ability to live on my own

Am I wrong here? Other weird things my dad likes to do is:
* Walk in my room uninvited, lay on the bed and ramble about nonsense, as if he is having a conversation with himself, as I have tuned him out.
* I'm not even allowed to have my door closed during luxury time unless I am sleeping, filming (I have a few webshows), changing, masterbating/having sex or on the phone. IRONICALLY, my younger brother (19) always has the door closed. Dunno why that is.
* He has to ask every time I come out of the therapist or psychiatrist office what I talked about with them
* He vents to his children about the personal issues he has with his wife
* Puts the blame on me when I call him out on his behavior because I don't empathize with him.
* Reads diary or journal entries of mine when I'm not home. (I'll be out of state for school and he'll tell me about the wonderful stories I wrote in my diary back at hime. Which is in a bookshelf)
* Rummages through my sex toy and porn collection (which is very small by the way) then asks if he can borrow them, then claim "as a joke."

Am I supposed to be okay with this? What do you guys think?
 
My dad does the exact same thing. It's not normal at all. I wouldn't tolerate it and make sure your boundaries with him are concrete thick. Don't budge on them no matter how much of a tantrum he has.

If you don't want him to know what meds you're taking, then he can't know them. Period.
 
No.

I don't know what else to say, but he seems completely unable to consider you an adult.

Sure, parents have some right to know what there adult children are up to when they are living at home. And may have some restrictions and or limits, but this is way beyond reasonable.
 
Thankfully my parents were never that way.
It's abnormal anyway. Narcissistic sounds like.
I'm putting up with much the same from the guy I houseshare with.
Not much options right now though.
I don't let him know what meds I take.
 
I understand many of your issues, and if you were below 18 and have to live with your parents, i'd still classify that as inappropriate behaviour, as appearantly most things he does.
 
I'm 22 and the only person in my family diagnosed with HFAS. But I believe almost everyone in my family is AS or ASD. I'm also born with a minor birth defect (I'm missing a right eye) The relationship I have with my parents is emotionally abusive, as because of my various disabilities. I am considered lesser than human to them. I go to school out of state, but I return home during my summer and winter breaks.

My father is also an narcassist and has this unhealthy obession with me, becuase for the last few years I have tried to cut him out of my life. And he wants to "fix" our relationship by his "love." He dosen't believe in therapy (for himself) and dosen't believe in medication for mental illness (anti depressants, ADD medications, etc) Recently I got into a heated argument with my father becuase I called him out on his likely-AS inapproprite behavior.

Yesterday I was in the kitchen, while my mother was making dinner. I was refilling my pill box at the table for the week, like i normally do. And my father, grabs the pill bottles and asks like he is four "what are you taking?' I grab the bottle from him and say, "Your being invasive." He gets mad, "how am I being invasive." I take my meds, pillbox with me and head upstairs, telling him I don't want to have this conversation with him. He'd been literally picking arguments like this the entire day yesterday.

Earlier this afternoon, my mom questions my "outburst" towards my father the previous night. (I forgot to mention, my parents secretly hate each other) I tried to explain to her that I have been very uncomfortable with my father's obession with me and my "outburst" was about him invading my personal space. My mother tries to justify his behavior saying becuase he is my parent, he should know what I'm taking. I tried to explain to her this would be reasonable behavior if I was:
a) Under the age of 18
b) Was at risk at harming myself or others (which I have had a history of, but I am almost year clean of suicidal thoughts)
c) Didn't have the cognitive or physical ability to live on my own

Am I wrong here? Other weird things my dad likes to do is:
* Walk in my room uninvited, lay on the bed and ramble about nonsense, as if he is having a conversation with himself, as I have tuned him out.
* I'm not even allowed to have my door closed during luxury time unless I am sleeping, filming (I have a few webshows), changing, masterbating/having sex or on the phone. IRONICALLY, my younger brother (19) always has the door closed. Dunno why that is.
* He has to ask every time I come out of the therapist or psychiatrist office what I talked about with them
* He vents to his children about the personal issues he has with his wife
* Puts the blame on me when I call him out on his behavior because I don't empathize with him.
* Reads diary or journal entries of mine when I'm not home. (I'll be out of state for school and he'll tell me about the wonderful stories I wrote in my diary back at hime. Which is in a bookshelf)
* Rummages through my sex toy and porn collection (which is very small by the way) then asks if he can borrow them, then claim "as a joke."

Am I supposed to be okay with this? What do you guys think?

You live in his home. His rules are valid no matter what age you are. This is horrible of course!!!! He is trying to connect with you, and does it badly. He will not change. Are you are only daughter he has? Fathers can be different with daughters.

Can you make plans to move out? You will not change him! Can you put padlocks on your bedroom door? Can you lock up your sex toys and journals? (Or remove them from the premises completely?) Can you stock your medications in privacy in the bathroom? Try not to do things in such a public area as the kitchen. Try to find privacy as much as you can, anywhere. (Maybe in the basement, or garage? Buy a cheap trunk with a pick proof lock and stash everything in there. AND Make plans to move out ASAP.
 
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No, this is not acceptable or normal behavior by a father. Regardless of whatever other problems he may have, he sounds like a flaming, creepy, manipulative, out of control narcissist. Please protect yourself from him and move out of there as soon as possible. You deserve better and he is totally out of line. There a website that might help you gain insight into his behavior called 'narcissism meets normalcy'. Just google that phrase and it will take you to the website.
 
I agree, he does seem to be trying to connect in some way, for some reason. And doing it badly. Thst might be from being a clueless older guy, could be from difficulty relating to you as a young adult. I know I've had trouble relating to my early teen son, but I keep finding ways. And I check my motivations, am I doing this to share with him and relate, or is it to monitor behaviour in a mood of suspicion. If it is from suspicion, what sm I worried about, what don't I trust.

Then there is the issue of control. That is a hard thing to navigate as kids grow up. As young kids, parents have the responsibilty to guide and teach, to bring out the person in the child. When that person ( I think of it as spirit, power, agency, choice) begins to gain more self assurance and self direction it often goes against the protective nature of the earlier parent/ child dynamic, and the parent has to adjust and adapt or all hell can break loose. Could just be some disagreements, fights, at worst, estrangement and separation.

Sounds to me like dad is uncomfortable or unhappy about where things are( thats kn him) and/or is still trying to relate to the young you, and is stuck.

I'd make plans to create distance, maybe your own place if possible. May be a long range plan, but keep your mind on it.

I had a similar dynamic with my dad. I was 18 and just out of highschool developing my own plan. I'd saved enough for two years of college on my own(dad made it clear he would not help) he died a month into my freshman year, so that plan was not fully implemented and I lived with my mom for a couple of years before she moved oug of state.
 
Are you are only daughter he has? Fathers can be different with daughters.
Yep. He has two kids. Me and my younger brother.

Can you make plans to move out?
Working on that at this moment in time. (Its really hard since I don't have an income and I'm basically relying on family for finincial support) I'm thinking of getting a part time job and looking for an apartment with roommate (and those sites are complicated and expensive as it is)

Can you put padlocks on your bedroom door? Can you lock up your sex toys and journals? (Or remove them from the premises completely?) Can you stock your medications in privacy in the bathroom? Try not to do things in such a public area as the kitchen. Try to find privacy as much as you can, anywhere. (Maybe in the basement, or garage? Buy a cheap trunk with a pick proof lock and stash everything in there. AND Make plans to move out ASAP.
The funny thing is these are items that aren't in plain site. They are nicely hidden, so if you were to walk in you wouldn't see them unless you really tried. The sex toy and porn incident isn't as frequent as the other incidents as this has happened maybe three or four times. But I still added to the creepy list just for more context about how absurd he is.

Most of my sex toys I take with me when I travel anyway, and when i'm home they blend in nicely. (Except for the larger ones which I stuff in a box in the back of my closet where its super hard to get to) As for the meds, yeah I agree mabey I should fill my box privately to prevent unwanted attention.

The locking thing is a funny story. Somehow my door cannot lock. I noticed this when I first came back from college out of state. Like maybe three years ago? And I almost never lock my door in the first place unless I'm having an explosive meltdown. Mostly becuase when I was younger, this would piss of my parents. So I asked them when I found out my door wasn't locking, they said I wasn't trying hard enough to lock it....whatever that means.

Just four more days with the craziness until I fly back and won't deal with him for another four monthes.
 
Yep. He has two kids. Me and my younger brother.


Working on that at this moment in time. (Its really hard since I don't have an income and I'm basically relying on family for finincial support) I'm thinking of getting a part time job and looking for an apartment with roommate (and those sites are complicated and expensive as it is)


The funny thing is these are items that aren't in plain site. They are nicely hidden, so if you were to walk in you wouldn't see them unless you really tried. The sex toy and porn incident isn't as frequent as the other incidents as this has happened maybe three or four times. But I still added to the creepy list just for more context about how absurd he is.

Most of my sex toys I take with me when I travel anyway, and when i'm home they blend in nicely. (Except for the larger ones which I stuff in a box in the back of my closet where its super hard to get to) As for the meds, yeah I agree mabey I should fill my box privately to prevent unwanted attention.

The locking thing is a funny story. Somehow my door cannot lock. I noticed this when I first came back from college out of state. Like maybe three years ago? And I almost never lock my door in the first place unless I'm having an explosive meltdown. Mostly becuase when I was younger, this would piss of my parents. So I asked them when I found out my door wasn't locking, they said I wasn't trying hard enough to lock it....whatever that means.

Just four more days with the craziness until I fly back and won't deal with him for another four monthes.

I am soooo sorry that your dad is such an A-hole!
 
How far along in college are you? Is it possible to maybe get off-campus housing (like an apartment) with some roommates over the summer session? I'm assuming housing is done for the Fall semester or I would have suggested that; it would have also given you a place to stay over winter break as well if you didn't want to go home for the holidays...

Agree with others: wholly inappropriate.
 
How far along in college are you? Is it possible to maybe get off-campus housing (like an apartment) with some roommates over the summer session? I'm assuming housing is done for the Fall semester or I would have suggested that; it would have also given you a place to stay over winter break as well if you didn't want to go home for the holidays...

Agree with others: wholly inappropriate.
I started my junior year this semester. I live in a dorm until May (thats when the lease expires) I'm looking into getting a roommate and an appartment, so far no luck. No one responds to my emails. :(
 

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