Are Aspergarians unloveable?

[Jared Jacobson]

I need to be blunt. At 40, I don’t believe in love anymore. I feel loyalty and gentleness and protective, but I don’t think I’ve ever been capable of the kind of affection talked about in poetry or novels that redeems our souls. I am still obsessed with sex, and physical affection. But is it possible that autism and Aspergers are evolutionary dead ends? If we can’t find people who love us, and have families, and we aren’t relented enough to take the world by storm as bachelors, then truly these condition must someday be cured. As surly as we want to cure cancer, HIV or Down Syndrome.

 

[Crossbreed]

I am still obsessed with sex, and physical affection. But is it possible that autism and Aspergers are evolutionary dead ends?

Marriage makes us responsible for our spouse (and vice-versa). It is not surprising that your libido is intact, but women size up potential mates by how they might be qualified to bear those responsibilities. (And a man does not have to be crazy rich to do so.)

Our lack of social instinct hinders that development, but does not make it impossible. You may connect better with an autistic woman, but you will still need to develop the same skill set.

We want someone to be a lover, companion & care-giver, but we must be ready, willing & able to be the same for them.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

Marriage makes us responsible for our spouse (and vice-versa). It is not surprising that your libido is intact, but women size up potential mates by how they might be qualified to bear those responsibilities. (And a man does not have to be crazy rich to do so.)

Our lack of social instinct hinders that development, but does not make it impossible. You may connect better with an autistic woman, but you will still need to develop the same skill set.

We want someone to be a lover, companion & care-giver, but we must be ready & able to be the same for them.

Are you so sure about the rich part? I know from experience that lacking finances is a red flag for a man. And I find little satisfaction in making only 30k at my age.

 

[Crossbreed]

Are you so sure about the rich part?

$30K translates to about $2500/mo. That is workable under some COLIs. A realistic woman can live with that if everything else is in place.

 

[Alexej]

No it is not a dead end. There are many on this Forum either in relationship or who have been in relationship and have autism.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I need to be blunt. At 40, I don’t believe in love anymore. I feel loyalty and gentleness and protective, but I don’t think I’ve ever been capable of the kind of affection talked about in poetry or novels that redeems our souls. I am still obsessed with sex, and physical affection. But is it possible that autism and Aspergers are evolutionary dead ends? If we can’t find people who love us, and have families, and we aren’t relented enough to take the world by storm as bachelors, then truly these condition must someday be cured. As surly as we want to cure cancer, HIV or Down Syndrome.

Aspergerians are not unlovable, we are special, sensitive and kind.
Some of us mis use our sensitivity and get over emotional like me. Others utilise it to become intuitive, perceptive and wise.
Love is the meaning of life, it is the opposite of fear, hate is behind fear.
Tony Attwood the leading expert on Aspergers has views to the contrary of your view, that we are evolutionary dead ends, he thinks we are the next stage of human evolution.
It is not a disease, it is an advanced state of human evolution.
Dr Edward Hall, a Mohawk Native American Indian thinks we have a licence to be a shaman

 

[Mia]

But is it possible that autism and Aspergers are evolutionary dead ends?

If that were true there would be no children with autism. The CDC estimates that there is 1 autistic child to every 68 children born in the United States. The Real Reasons Autism Rates Are Up in the U.S.

I don’t think I’ve ever been capable of the kind of affection talked about in poetry or novels that redeems our souls.

I doubt if anyone is, unless it is in the first months or years of a relationship. The idea of love was likely created to mythologise biological processes and maintain the continuum of our species.

these condition must someday be cured

Autism is inherited genetically, it's not a disease.

 

[SimonSays]

I doubt if anyone is, unless it is in the first months or years of a relationship. The idea of love was likely created to mythologise biological processes and maintain the continuum of our species.

Exactly. That wonderful heady 'in love' feeling in the beginning is just neurochemicals making us feel that way. We've evolved to produce them to ensure survival of the species (although it's gone a bit mad as there's almost 8 billion of us now). Whether we procreate of not, those chemicals don't stay, so unless there is something very real to build on, neither will we.

The fantasy is what so many grow up with in their fiction, whether it's books or film, or even music. We love the idea of it and imagine it exists outside of the myth. Our creatives and entertainers never let us forget it.

 

[Bolletje]

No such problems here.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Exactly. That wonderful heady 'in love' feeling in the beginning is just neurochemicals making us feel that way. We've evolved to produce them to ensure survival of the species (although it's gone a bit mad as there's almost 8 billion of us now). Whether we procreate of not, those chemicals don't stay, so unless there is something very real to build on, neither will we.

The fantasy is what so many grow up with in their fiction, whether it's books or film, or even music. We love the idea of it and imagine it exists outside of the myth. Our creatives and entertainers never let us forget it.

I agree the population has gone a bit mad.
Thats because some humans have artificially put us at the top of the food chain, whereas hunter-gatherers knew where our species stood in the food chain.
In many ways they were healthier than us.

 

[UncomfortablyNumb]

I don't know that we *are* unlovable... but it can sure feel that way. I just got dumped by a woman I met in AA, been crazy over her for the last 3 years... I've managed to stay sober, she has not, and has now just disappeared. She sure talked like she felt for me... but I guess actions speak louder than words.

Having said that, though... I've been married for 48 years, and it's been a pretty rough road at times. She's left me 3 times for other guys because of my 'emotional unavailabity,' only to come back when they didn't work out. I may not 'emote' as she would like, but I've got the rest of it: responsible, respectful, considerate, hard-working (until I got hurt then disabled), can fix just about anything, loyal to a fault to both things and people, caring... but love? I don't think so. Never been there; only emotions I've felt are either entirely neutral or negative (until I met this woman, then it was literally love at first sight, or at least, I've certainly never felt like that towards anyone before.)

She works with developmentally-challenged kids, and I think she spotted my 'spectrum' tendencies pretty early on, but it didn't seem to bother her. Fairly recently I let it be known that I had feelings for her. It was not long after that that she vanished. So, yeah... sure *feels* unlovable.

My wife? I think I'm useful to her, handy to have around, and it sure doesn't feel like I'm loved. I get that "it's not what you said, it's how you said it" thing when she speaks to me. Not the words, so much, but the tone and delivery makes it sound like she's always annoyed or impatient with me. I had pinned some hope on the lady I met, but that's vanished too, and now I feel more stuck than ever; stuck, unhappy, and hopeless.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I don't know that we *are* unlovable... but it can sure feel that way. I just got dumped by a woman I met in AA, been crazy over her for the last 3 years... I've managed to stay sober, she has not, and has now just disappeared. She sure talked like she felt for me... but I guess actions speak louder than words.

Having said that, though... I've been married for 48 years, and it's been a pretty rough road at times. She's left me 3 times for other guys because of my 'emotional unavailabity,' only to come back when they didn't work out. I may not 'emote' as she would like, but I've got the rest of it: responsible, respectful, considerate, hard-working (until I got hurt then disabled), can fix just about anything, loyal to a fault to both things and people, caring... but love? I don't think so. Never been there; only emotions I've felt are either entirely neutral or negative (until I met this woman, then it was literally love at first sight, or at least, I've certainly never felt like that towards anyone before.)

She works with developmentally-challenged kids, and I think she spotted my 'spectrum' tendencies pretty early on, but it didn't seem to bother her. Fairly recently I let it be known that I had feelings for her. It was not long after that that she vanished. So, yeah... sure *feels* unlovable.

My wife? I think I'm useful to her, handy to have around, and it sure doesn't feel like I'm loved. I get that "it's not what you said, it's how you said it" thing when she speaks to me. Not the words, so much, but the tone and delivery makes it sound like she's always annoyed or impatient with me. I had pinned some hope on the lady I met, but that's vanished too, and now I feel more stuck than ever; stuck, unhappy, and hopeless.

We are loveable. If we don't love ourselves, we can wrongly believe we are unlovable when someone perhaps who is not healthy themselves treats us badly.
Congratulations for staying sober, maybe you were not meant to be with someone who has not stayed sober, maybe you were meant to remember your dreams and aspirations, follow them and meet someone like minded who is sober.
Be mindful of the fact that when we look for partners they don't come. Personal experience shows that when I looked for a partner none showed, when I wanted to stay single they came. Actions do speak louder than words, she still needs the crutch of booze, you don't, you have moved on, she hasn't.

Returning to you when things don't work out is abuse to you, you deserve better.
Sorry you got hurt then disabled, good you can fix just about anything, and that you are loyal to a fault to both things and people, caring, we all have love inside of us, it just needs the right circumstances to come out.
Love is just a place you have never been, think of a tiny flower, a kitten, a baby, romantic partners are not always love, they sometimes have baggage.

The lady you met at AA was drawn to you because you both had problems, drink. You got sober, you won the challenge. You need to look within to find your hobbies, passions, aspirations and go to places where you can do them (solution places) and not to meet someone, to go for the love of doing something. Then "that someone" will come to you when you let go of the need to have a partner. You are loved.

I am a bit confused, I do not want to pry but you mention your wife. Maybe starting again, single, following your dreams, joining a class for the love of it, enjoying life, then the right person will come.

 

[Major Tom]

I personally don't feel any whole group is unlovable, it's certain personalities and approaches that make people to have a hard time. Maybe you should look at that rather than your label. To be blunt myself.

Welcome to the forums.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

I don't know that we *are* unlovable... but it can sure feel that way. I just got dumped by a woman I met in AA, been crazy over her for the last 3 years... I've managed to stay sober, she has not, and has now just disappeared. She sure talked like she felt for me... but I guess actions speak louder than words.

Having said that, though... I've been married for 48 years, and it's been a pretty rough road at times. She's left me 3 times for other guys because of my 'emotional unavailabity,' only to come back when they didn't work out. I may not 'emote' as she would like, but I've got the rest of it: responsible, respectful, considerate, hard-working (until I got hurt then disabled), can fix just about anything, loyal to a fault to both things and people, caring... but love? I don't think so. Never been there; only emotions I've felt are either entirely neutral or negative (until I met this woman, then it was literally love at first sight, or at least, I've certainly never felt like that towards anyone before.)

She works with developmentally-challenged kids, and I think she spotted my 'spectrum' tendencies pretty early on, but it didn't seem to bother her. Fairly recently I let it be known that I had feelings for her. It was not long after that that she vanished. So, yeah... sure *feels* unlovable.

My wife? I think I'm useful to her, handy to have around, and it sure doesn't feel like I'm loved. I get that "it's not what you said, it's how you said it" thing when she speaks to me. Not the words, so much, but the tone and delivery makes it sound like she's always annoyed or impatient with me. I had pinned some hope on the lady I met, but that's vanished too, and now I feel more stuck than ever; stuck, unhappy, and hopeless.

Maybe that’s the sick joke. We wanted women to improve our
Lives, only to learn we hadn’t earned their affection. Maybe the sick joke is we believed we needed something that didn’t exist at all...

 

[Jared Jacobson]

No it is not a dead end. There are many on this Forum either in relationship or who have been in relationship and have autism.

That’s probably because they’re on the high functioning spectrum. But if I could cure them by burning myself alive, I’d go shopping for gasoline and a lighter.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

$30K translates to about $2500/mo. That is workable under some COLIs. A realistic woman can live with that if everything else is in place.

Well certainly not here in California mate. And I somehow doubt anywhere, because men in my observation don’t “deserve” love, we “earn” it. I couldn’t t and never did, and can only hate myself for the failure

 

[Jared Jacobson]

$30K translates to about $2500/mo. That is workable under some COLIs. A realistic woman can live with that if everything else is in place.

What “everything else?” My lovely singing voice...?

 

[Jared Jacobson]

Aspergerians are not unlovable, we are special, sensitive and kind.
Some of us mis use our sensitivity and get over emotional like me. Others utilise it to become intuitive, perceptive and wise.
Love is the meaning of life, it is the opposite of fear, hate is behind fear.
Tony Attwood the leading expert on Aspergers has views to the contrary of your view, that we are evolutionary dead ends, he thinks we are the next stage of human evolution.
It is not a disease, it is an advanced state of human evolution.
Dr Edward Hall, a Mohawk Native American Indian thinks we have a licence to be a shaman

I do have much hate, for humanity, for life, and myself. Worse, I hate this society and my family who lied to me and gave me false hope, and led me to waste twenty years I will never get back, and now face another 40 years where it is too late to ha e or earn anything. I abhor this condition and all to do with it! One day, I will have the integrity to die.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I do have much hate, for humanity, for life, and myself. Worse, I hate this society and my family who lied to me and gave me false hope, and led me to waste twenty years I will never get back, and now face another 40 years where it is too late to ha e or earn anything. I abhor this condition and all to do with it! One day, I will have the integrity to die.

A well-known fact is that if you hate yourself life will hate you and so will people because they will sense that you hate yourself.
I like your writing style I think you are a good writer.
I like you, you haven't offended me.
Yes the society is a bit messed up but don't hate because hate because hate wastes your valuable energy.
Your family made a mistake. I don't know what your relationship is like with them but again hating them it's just a waste of your energy.
You are welcome to share your feelings about your family I'm here if you want to, you never know we could help you. I've had a lot of help on here.
You don't just die when you commit suicide all you do is lose your body, you left with your feelings your thoughts and on the mental agony and more, I know this for a fact.
I am so sure of this that it is the only reason I have not committed suicide because I don't want to be a disembodied mentally troubled mind roaming the Earth and I am not religious. I don't want to be an evil spirit, they exist whether or not we believe in them, I have had experiences I cannot deny, and that is coming from a non religious person like me.
Did you watch my video it shows people with Aspergers syndrome have a license to become a Shamen.

 

[Jared Jacobson]

A well-known fact is that if you hate yourself life will hate you and so will people because they will sense that you hate yourself.
I like your writing style I think you are a good writer.
I like you, you haven't offended me.
Yes the society is a bit messed up but don't hate because hate because hate wastes your valuable energy.
Your family made a mistake. I don't know what your relationship is like with them but again hating them it's just a waste of your energy.
You are welcome to share your feelings about your family I'm here if you want to, you never know we could help you. I've had a lot of help on here.
You don't just die when you commit suicide all you do is lose your body, you left with your feelings your thoughts and on the mental agony and more, I know this for a fact.
I am so sure of this that it is the only reason I have not committed suicide because I don't want to be a disembodied mentally troubled mind roaming the Earth and I am not religious. I don't want to be an evil spirit, they exist whether or not we believe in them, I have had experiences I cannot deny, and that is coming from a non religious person like me.
Did you watch my video it shows people with Aspergers syndrome have a license to become a Shamen.

That doesn’t help, you’re afraid to suffer in death so you suffer in life? What sick sense of humor have the gods?! What sick mistake is life?!