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Appropriate responses to deaths.

U

UncertainAdult

Member
I've been really struggling with this since Thursday. My neighbor passed away in a tragic incident. She was deaf, or very hard of hearing, and she spoke but it was very hard to understand. So we communicated through a lot of hand waving, some signing, and notes if I was struggling too much. Often resulted in laughing about it.

Last Thursday her daughter approached me and asking me for our landlords information because she had passed. I of course gave it to her and offered assistance if she needed it. But I also realized that because of our odd form of communicating, I had no idea what her name was. This made me really upset. I have figured it out now from the news. I also learned she way only in her 40s. I am struggling with what is appropriate in terms of me sending my thoughts to the family.

I have only met the daughter once before, and it was not a good meeting because she was fighting with her mom.

I want to leave flowers or something, maybe at the door, and a card saying how much I enjoyed her as a neighbor, but I don't know if that's appropriate because I do not know any of her family. I am also worried the daughter is struggling with this mostly alone. She has been at the apartment all weekend with a person who I think is her boyfriend. She is either in high school or college age.

I'm also struggling with how to process this myself. I just took photos for her the other day and she was such a lovely person. I have not experienced much death in my life and it is just so shocking and sad. I know she was just a neighbor and I didn't know her that well, but still.

Any advise on a kind and appropriate way to show respect would be welcome.
 
"...leave flowers or something, maybe at the door, and a card saying how much I enjoyed her as a neighbor"

That sounds fine, to me.
Thoughtful.

I'd appreciate that if someone offered it to me
on the death of a relative. The card, particularly.
 
I think your idea is appropriate, kind and non-intrusive. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your neighbor and for your grief. I don't think you're grief is unfounded at all. You found your neighbor to be a friendly person who died tragically.

It's difficult for all of us to accept death as a part of life because we're shielded from it so much in developed countries. Dying is largely hidden. Cemeteries are not generally in places of daily view. More people die in hospitals and nursing homes than people dying at home. No one buries their own dead on their own property as used to be done in former more agrarian generations. Life expectancy now is double what it used to be centuries ago. In the past death was far more known to everyone; it couldn't be ignored or hidden away.
 
We used to have a saying in the military 'when in doubt, hang it out' or something like that. What it meant was if you were unsure whether to do or not do something in a social (military version) situation it was safer to do it. Doing extra is usually always better than not doing enough.
 
She might like some recent pics, they often use them at funerals, you could always attend if it helps, maybe you could ask about it.
 
I liked your idea of flowers and a card.

You could also consider doing something privately by yourself, like holding your own little ceremony for her to help you grieve and move through this process. That way you don't have to worry about what is or isn't appropriate regarding her family, and you get to say goodbye however you need to, in private.

While I understand you wanting to pay respects to her family — if you didn't know them, you don't really have to. Your relationship was with your neighbour, not her family, so it's okay if you can't decide on how to approach the family in the end.

If you do decide to do something nice for them, you might want to mentally prepare for a bad reaction just in case. People are very fragile at these times and can take out their hurt on others. I hope that wouldn't happen to you as a stranger(?) to them, but you've seen her daughter in a hostile way before so just be prepared in case (or just leave something for them without physically being there).

Very sorry you're having to go through this.
 
Magna said:
I think your idea is appropriate, kind and non-intrusive. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your neighbor and for your grief. I don't think you're grief is unfounded at all. You found your neighbor to be a friendly person who died tragically.

It's difficult for all of us to accept death as a part of life because we're shielded from it so much in developed countries. Dying is largely hidden. Cemeteries are not generally in places of daily view. More people die in hospitals and nursing homes than people dying at home. No one buries their own dead on their own property as used to be done in former more agrarian generations. Life expectancy now is double what it used to be centuries ago. In the past death was far more known to everyone; it couldn't be ignored or hidden away.
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I think that is part of why I feel so sad about it. The circumstances were absolutely tragic and you hear about these things in the news but you always think it could never happen to anyone who you know. Makes you realize how fragile life can be.
 
Tom said:
We used to have a saying in the military 'when in doubt, hang it out' or something like that. What it meant was if you were unsure whether to do or not do something in a social (military version) situation it was safer to do it. Doing extra is usually always better than not doing enough.
Click to expand...
Thanks I like that idea, doing is better than not.
 
unperson said:
She might like some recent pics, they often use them at funerals, you could always attend if it helps, maybe you could ask about it.
Click to expand...
I took the pictures with her phone for her so I don't have any unfortunately. I'm assuming she wanted them to send to someone so I hope someone has them. She was all dressed up for something fancy and very excited about it.
 
Thanks for the advice. I still don't see any funeral information and I wonder if it is because of an investigation, there might not be any for a while. I also think going would be to scary and since I don't know anyone it would be odd.
Thanks for the help. I think I will pick up a card tomorrow and leave it at the door for the family. I would like to hear that she and the family are in more people's thoughts if I were in that situation.
 
I'm sorry for your loss,and sorry this lady has sadly died. That's way too young to go. She sounds to have been a nice neighbour. Maybe light a candle for her to mark her passing.
 
It's neat you two connected despite communication issues. You brought joy to her life instead of being a ghost neighbor.

A card is nice. This lifetime is fragile. We meet people and then we may end up never seeing them again, and it's nobody's fault. Take some time to remember her spirit, send kindness out to the universe and reflect on the laughter you shared.
 
Magna said:
I think your idea is appropriate, kind and non-intrusive. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your neighbor and for your grief. I don't think you're grief is unfounded at all. You found your neighbor to be a friendly person who died tragically.

It's difficult for all of us to accept death as a part of life because we're shielded from it so much in developed countries. Dying is largely hidden. Cemeteries are not generally in places of daily view. More people die in hospitals and nursing homes than people dying at home. No one buries their own dead on their own property as used to be done in former more agrarian generations. Life expectancy now is double what it used to be centuries ago. In the past death was far more known to everyone; it couldn't be ignored or hidden away.
Click to expand...

Society has surrendered the process of preparing a person for burial to funeral homes. Once upon a time, the family or neighbors of a decedent washed and clothed the dead for burial and laid them to rest. That personal involvement with the dead helped heal the living, brought finality, and helped them mourn. Now, anonymous funeral home people do those things, and we are detached from the process. We just bring clothing for the mortician to dress the body.

BTW, we have a private cemetery on our land as do several of our neighbors. My parents and brother are buried there. In my state, people can be buried in any cemetery that was listed of public record by the 1890s. Our cemetery has a gravestone dated 1864 and other graves that are marked only by large stones without inscription. So, our private cemetery is historical, it's existence is recorded in government records, and it is legal for us to bury people there. I don't know what other states' laws are with respect to this question.
 
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