Kit
Well-Known Member
Every parent is going to screw their kid up in some ways. Well I think mine screwed me up with apologies so to this day I still have issues with if mine are genuine or not.
I remember as a child, I was always being told adults "say your sorry" and lot of the times I didn't even understand why I was apologizing. It was just a word to me. It had no meaning. This was a word people always tell you to say. Then eventually I figured out this is something you say to get out of trouble because I saw it at my school so I started doing it every time I was in trouble only to learn there is a time limit to saying your sorry because my mom would say "it's too late."
Then when I was 9, I figured out, you say it whenever you do a boo boo so I was always apologizing for every mistake I would make, every accident prone I did. Then in 4th grade I figured out this is something you say whenever people get mad at you or upset so I was always saying it. Then I started hearing in high school "No you're not" so I learned to say it less.
Then I learned about fake apologies and I thought "how do you fake apologize, you just say it, there is no faking it."
So yeah I have no idea if my own apologies are fake or genuine so I almost never say them anymore and I have difficulties saying them now. I think the adults just failed on teaching me apologies as a kid and I learned them all wrong and now I have no idea if I am sorry or not so I never issue them anymore.
Also I learned as a kid if someone apologizes to you, get over it and move on, they said their sorry. So I always said my sorry whenever someone was mad at me so they would feel better and move on. Even my dad told me "sometimes we all offend someone so we explain our intentions and say our sorry and if they do not accept it, that is their own problem and you just move on." My mom however disagreed with that and said "sometimes apologies are not good enough" so I asked her as an adult "what is even the point in apologizing then if people are not going to accept your apology, what a joke and lies I have learned about apologies growing up." I think the case might have been they just didn't teach them right to me because they assumed I processed empathy and feelings the same way as a NT kid so maybe they taught me apologies in a NT way and I took it all literal because I didn't process empathy and didn't know how others really felt when they were mad or upset. My mom will tell me I just didn't care when I was a kid. I have even thought I had some form of psychopathy even though I don't torture or take advantage of others or go out of my way to intentionally hurt people.
So here I am effed up and have difficulty with saying my sorrys now.
One thing I know as a parent, never force your kid to apologize, this is why so many people in the world are so bad at apologizing. How many of us have actually learned as children "sorry is a word you say to people when they are offended, mad at you, etc." At least talk to your child about their behavior and how it made others feel about it and if they are feeling bad about it, then you can suggest to them they can go and apologize to that person so they feel better. I have never forced mine to say their sorrys and demanded them to say it because I don't want to make the same mistake the adults made with me growing up.
My mom is also a pro at fake apologies because she will say things like "sorry you feel that way" "Sorry you don't remember" "Sorry you were upset" so no wonder I apologized that way too. I was trying to be empathetic and caring and sensitive.
I remember as a child, I was always being told adults "say your sorry" and lot of the times I didn't even understand why I was apologizing. It was just a word to me. It had no meaning. This was a word people always tell you to say. Then eventually I figured out this is something you say to get out of trouble because I saw it at my school so I started doing it every time I was in trouble only to learn there is a time limit to saying your sorry because my mom would say "it's too late."
Then when I was 9, I figured out, you say it whenever you do a boo boo so I was always apologizing for every mistake I would make, every accident prone I did. Then in 4th grade I figured out this is something you say whenever people get mad at you or upset so I was always saying it. Then I started hearing in high school "No you're not" so I learned to say it less.
Then I learned about fake apologies and I thought "how do you fake apologize, you just say it, there is no faking it."
So yeah I have no idea if my own apologies are fake or genuine so I almost never say them anymore and I have difficulties saying them now. I think the adults just failed on teaching me apologies as a kid and I learned them all wrong and now I have no idea if I am sorry or not so I never issue them anymore.
Also I learned as a kid if someone apologizes to you, get over it and move on, they said their sorry. So I always said my sorry whenever someone was mad at me so they would feel better and move on. Even my dad told me "sometimes we all offend someone so we explain our intentions and say our sorry and if they do not accept it, that is their own problem and you just move on." My mom however disagreed with that and said "sometimes apologies are not good enough" so I asked her as an adult "what is even the point in apologizing then if people are not going to accept your apology, what a joke and lies I have learned about apologies growing up." I think the case might have been they just didn't teach them right to me because they assumed I processed empathy and feelings the same way as a NT kid so maybe they taught me apologies in a NT way and I took it all literal because I didn't process empathy and didn't know how others really felt when they were mad or upset. My mom will tell me I just didn't care when I was a kid. I have even thought I had some form of psychopathy even though I don't torture or take advantage of others or go out of my way to intentionally hurt people.
So here I am effed up and have difficulty with saying my sorrys now.
One thing I know as a parent, never force your kid to apologize, this is why so many people in the world are so bad at apologizing. How many of us have actually learned as children "sorry is a word you say to people when they are offended, mad at you, etc." At least talk to your child about their behavior and how it made others feel about it and if they are feeling bad about it, then you can suggest to them they can go and apologize to that person so they feel better. I have never forced mine to say their sorrys and demanded them to say it because I don't want to make the same mistake the adults made with me growing up.
My mom is also a pro at fake apologies because she will say things like "sorry you feel that way" "Sorry you don't remember" "Sorry you were upset" so no wonder I apologized that way too. I was trying to be empathetic and caring and sensitive.