Anyone else is the same situation?

[lauzi87]

Hi

I'm Laura, I have 5 children.
Harley 14 (lives with father)
Isla 9 (lives with father)
Max 5
Archie 4
Logan 2
The 3 youngest boys live at home with my partner Lee ( their father). He also has 2 older children who live with their mother (Jamie 16, Katie 14).

Me and my partner have for the last 4 years had to deal with social care, police, rubbish landlord and mental health problems.

There is a massive story behind this but will try keep it short.

Basically me and Lee have had a few arguments in the past 6 years we're police have been called on 3 occasions because me and Lee when we argue get quite loud. 1 occasion was just last week. We now believe its because we may have ASD and or ADHD.
Our 2 boys max and archie have both been diagnosed with ASD after a 3 year struggle with social care and "neglect".
Regrettably we have made some massive mistakes ourselves turning to drugs through bad times (crack/cocaine) but we worked well with everyone who supported us but through social care doing their job incorrectly I lost my 2 eldest children to their father.

As I'm sure alot of your parents/individuals have come across these symptoms and said to yourself omg that's what I've got or I do that aswell.
Well that's very much myself and Lee.
We have been on lots of different anti depressants for anxiety and depression but after a while they stop working. More so with Lee.
The GP can see that Lee has ADHD and has started the process of the referral but it was only last Dec.
We got signed off social care in 2021(1st "domestic abuse"), had them again in 2022 for 3 months (2nd time) and got no help and now because of our police call out the other day means we are going to get social care again.
For 2 whole years (2019 - 2021) they betrayed us big time and since then me and my partner have been a mess.
We have had to be strong to fight for our boys and prove them wrong and now my mental health is getting worse.
especially with the boys behaviours ( swearing tantrums, fighting, throwing, sensory needs etc).
Me and Lee need our diagnosis so we can be on the right medication so we can be in a better place to parent our boys better. ( Not that we doing a bad job but it can be stressful)
Is there any advise out there or anybody in a similar
I do apologise for the long introduction lol, this is the first time I've actually spoke up due to my current anxiety issue.

I welcome any questions too

 

[tree]

 

[Nitro]

 

[The Pandector]

Welcome.

I would have benefitted from advice others might have given, but I don't see other comments yet. It sounds as if you have legal issues that are not going to be resolved any time soon, and medical issues that aren't going to be solved with another prescription.

I know nothing, but it sounds to me as though you need to quiet your mind. The autistic brain, apparently, doesn't do well under constant bombardment, and it sounds as though you've been bombarded. I found out about being autistic at 68yo. It took me a few years to learn to take charge of my life to the point of gaining some quiet. And this is in retirement; my kids are grown. I won't presume to tell you how to arrange your life, but I can say with some confidence that your best first step is towards peace.

Two minutes sitting before a window, refusing to entertain a thought; next month, five minutes. Lay down and breathe; just breathe. Just once at first, smile away a confrontation, even if it's a s.e. grin. Just that first time. Later, develop that into a tool. After each grin, maybe a breath.

I advise you to grab every minute and second you can spare, and do nothing with it. Nothing. Find peace. Three seconds; three minutes. It can make all the difference. Apparently, the autistic brain is wired differently than the norm, and can take longer to process situations. We can develop a backlog of unresolved issues. You don't need to consciously resolve everything; just give your brain some time to catch up. With a houseful, I know that can sound impossible, but I don't think there's another way.

Peace

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome.

Through my work I have had many contacts with social services and child/adult protective services. It has seemed to me that many times they are not helpful to the situation.

What they do have is a very serious parenting plan for you and Lee to follow and this is backed up by the court. They can and will take your children away. Maybe even place them in foster care and you may never get them back.

You have to provide a stable and caring home for your children. A home with parents who are fighting is not a safe and stable home for children. Add drugs to that and I can see why child protection is working with your family.

I'd like to see your priority changed from "keeping my children" to "making a stable, safe and loving home for my children."

In order to do that, you have to take care of yourself. The previous post had a good suggestion. Start finding some quiet time. You could also use some therapy. You can get some support here, but you are the one who has to do the work.

I apologize for my aspie bluntness. It is meant only to show you a way up and out of the mess you find yourself now.

 

[1ForAll]

Hello, I am sorry you and your family has all those issues to deal with. Whenever police, the government, drugs, abuse and mental type issue are involved, things cannot get much worse than that.

We as humans cannot change our pasts but learn from it and try to not repeat those mistakes. This would mean seeing first though clearly how we can do better. If this means more research, getting the right medical treatment, advice, support and outside intervention, then we must strive for that.

Unfortunately, not only are we are often causing some of our own self-inflicted harms but other societal members are not necessarily wanting just to punish us for wrongs but refusing to get to the root causes when they may have more knowledge and power to make a more lasting difference there.

In both of your cases, yes I feel correct diagnostics are thus needed, so as you can have the right medical and community assistance and other support, but so as you can understand what may or may not be contributing to certain inactions and actions that are happening in your lives.

If you want children as happy, functional and healthy as can be, you both need to be that way too. Once one has children, we have to give up more of our own desires and freedoms though,. but this does not mean we must never find some time for ourselves. But, that time and things we do separate from them should be reasonable and with intent to make us more fit for them, leading to a stronger and more loving family unit. We have to put the children first, by being the best ourselves.

It's not going to be easy dealing with those entities you mentioned. At times they will tell you to do things you feel is unfair, or that you will see as assumptions, not true or cruel, but that is how those systems work at times as well, as sometimes they will play that good and bad cop routine, to see what works. The only way to stop those person's from coming into your life is to put refocus your efforts.

Try to hang around or get advice from more objective and caring person's, those who are not afraid to tell you the truths but who are willing to assist you all to see if things can be bettered. Often it will be a step-by-step approach and with trial and errors along the way as well.

A good start is for you both to admit that yelling and drugs are not the answer, as of course autistic children and if they have other issues too will have more problems from seeing and hearing that dysfunction and harmful actions coming from you.

They still will have difficulties even if you both were perfect role models, as all Autistics and those with ADHD struggle in some ways, but definitely they will have far more difficulties dealing with parents with unresolved and showing harmful behaviors. At times, the children would need to be removed from the home if parental attitude or actions showed concerns that could not be resolved timely and through the right interventions.

Even if either or both of you are ever diagnosed with ADHD or Autism though, that is not an excuse to put children in harm's way. Let that fear of losing them drive you both to be your best, if you cannot right now be self motivated to be your best for them.

Parents with ND children often do have lots more anxieties and stress, and regardless if it was environmental or genetic caused from conditions they have or from dealing with unexpected things in their children that are triggering or they cannot handle, just know you are not alone. Lots of caregivers can work through that and focus on their efforts,the positives and bettering things as best as they can, while others may never learn, repeat their same mistakes or not be strong or wise enough to proceed in a healthier or more stable direction.

I hope your admittance of that drug problem and other issues will show the former to be more true instead of the latter. Will be wishing things go as well as can be for you.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome. Thank you for having the courage to share your story here. It is important and usually beneficial to start writing about these kind of things.

I wanted to recognize the great advice in the previous few posts, and hope that you will continue to get good advice and support here.

There’s so much going on for you right now and the stakes are so high that I would encourage you, as you start to take a closer look at your problems, to piece them out into smaller bits of the entire picture. If you look at the big picture right now, it may feel overwhelming. But, if you can, parsing out your problems and figuring out which ones can be managed immediately versus those that will take more time could be useful for you.

All of this will take work, so focus on the basics when you don’t know what else to do… Eating, sleeping, moving your body, getting fresh air, and communicating when you can. Breath is life, so don’t forget to just breathe.

Remember the analogy of flying in an airplane and the need for you to put on your own oxygen mask before you are able to help the child beside you. As others have noted, you must be able to maintain a safe and healthy environment for your children which does start with you.

Perhaps you can look closer at your issues and separate them from each other so that you can have some power back in your life. Many of us here with difficult goals and challenges focus on just doing what we can as a start. Even the tiniest steps toward progress are important ones.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I'd like to see your priority changed from "keeping my children" to "making a stable, safe and loving home for my children."

Exactly. My spouse, working as a CASA, has the task of representing a child's interest to the courts. Sad that the first thoughts here are justifications and blaming others. If a stable and drug free home cannot be established it is quite possible that there could be a termination of parental rights. That is done reluctantly as here every effort is made to keep families together.

We all, even with ASD, have to live with the choices we make.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. May you and yours be able to find harmony and a path to move forward.