any advice on relationships and how to get someone to be your soul mate?

[NoKipAr on the run]

I know that sounds like too much, but I just really am having an off week.


And I am really bummed out by COVID and other stuff....

I just need someone to at least go on a coffee date with, maybe just some info on how I can get a girl, maybe even ...I don't know, I just want to get advice. I even have a two page list of specifications I'd like in a woman or something.

I know I should think About the Ramifications of what I'm doing, but I feel as though the entire question "how do I get girls to like me" is tired and withered. so please? can anyone help?

 

[Alexej]

Hi and Welcome to the Forums.

Do have a look around the Forum - there are lots of threads about relationships, so you might find some info there which can help your understanding.

It may be that the question you could ask is "What am I doing that is not connecting with other people?". There is lot in your question and the answer can go in thousands of directions.

One idea - be yourself, don't be somebody else (for you wont be able to keep it up).

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hello and welcome!

I have been married for nearly 34 years,...about 36 years with the same wonderful woman.

As someone who is young, and on the spectrum, you may actually have some advantages that I did not,...as I was not diagnosed until I was 52,...a lot of years not knowing why I was the way I am. You, at least, have the ability to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with someone about what it means to be you, how you interpret things, your sensory issues, and so on. Something, my wife and I are still coming to terms with.

THE #1 RULE: Do not lie! If you are on the spectrum,...chances are you are a horrible liar anyway,...so just give up that idea. Having said that, being "Aspie honest", for some people, is a strange, yet somehow refreshing way to interact with someone. You just have to be up front and give them a bit of "grace" with this. So many people, unfortunately, have had to deal with dishonest and controlling behaviors with previous partners, friends, and family. To deal with someone who can be open and honest,...that may be a foreign thing for them, and take some time to process. Neurotypicals are so used to "soft language",...personally, I don't understand the concept of being deceived for the purposes of being "socially acceptable". If you are in that category of being brutally honest this way,...you have to give them some warning ahead of time, otherwise they might feel insulted by your honesty. I know,...weird.

After jumping through that communication barrier, then the other person will be forced to have this thing called "trust",...a strange thing for them. This all but eliminates the insecure, controlling behaviors that ultimately erode and destroy a relationship. Relationships are glued together by communication and trust. Get that right, and you can happily be with just about anyone.

I could go on and on here. So I will sign off and let a few others put their 2 cents worth in.

 

[Mia]

I just need someone to at least go on a coffee date with, maybe just some info on how I can get a girl, maybe even ...I don't know, I just want to get advice. I even have a two page list of specifications I'd like in a woman or something.

Throw away your list, and look around you. I know it's hard, because we all have specifications about who we want to spend time with. You have to look at the other side, and what you have to offer to someone.

Those ideas come from childhood and the teenage years. These perceptions are very often superficial and influenced by those around you, what you see in media, music, television, and they are so often unattainable.

It's as if we create a list of what we want in a partner, as a way to prevent ever being in anything but a short term relationship. My list as a teenager was someone who was 'dreamy' knew how to play guitar, had his own car, and was cool. Later it became someone who had a degree, who had travelled, who was as well-read as I was, and liked to do the sports that I liked to do.

At university I met someone, and it didn't matter that he didn't like or do any sports, because I could do those on my own. In three years we'll be married for forty years. When most of our friends and family have divorced a few times.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

The list is going to limit you. People are never going to fit into its parameters. This sounds cliche, and I don't know if it applies to your situation, but if you find yourself unable to be alone, relationships are going to be extremely difficult.

I don't know if things like this are your scene, but I have seen online clubs (clubquarantine is one), and have heard about online cafes as well. All you need is a webcam. It seems like a really neat idea where you can meet and chat with people in a safe way.

 

[paloftoon]

Girls tend to like fit, independent people. So, if you don't feel you qualify for either of those, aim for at least one of those two goals.

 

[Bolletje]

1) throw out the list
2) you can’t get someone to be your soul mate
3) in fact, throw out the concept of a soul mate altogether

 

[NoKipAr on the run]

I thought this wasn't a place of ridicule. we're all autistic here.

 

[Aspychata]

Nobody is ridiculing you. We just are brutally honest even as a tribe. Having a list sets the bar to high. How about looking for female friends, then go on from there. Dip your foot in, and slowly get in. You will have a bigger pool if you drop your list. You will open yourself up to new things. Please don't feel offended.

 

[VictorR]

I'm going to throw in my two cents about the idea of why a "list" might not be a good idea.

What if you met a girl that checked off every single attribute you consider to be desirable and therefore is your perfect match, the one and only, etc., but it turned out that they have two lists: attributes they like and attributes they don't like, and you check off every single attribute on their "do not like" list and therefore you are their "not if you're the last man on earth" guy?

 

[NoKipAr on the run]

alright, no sweat. people often tell me to start as a friend first anyway. good advice. I wouldn't DREAM of
typing up everything on that damn list and uploading it to the Too-much-information super highway (I always wanted to make that joke) but yeah, I'm not gonna get what I call "my Default settings" first going in.

 

[TopherPwn]

Don't lie is correct. You don't lie to your soulmate. Even if you don't know they're. That person is very correct.
My best suggestion is find a hobby. Let them find you. Stand out above the rest, but not in an arrogant way. Having nice clothes and shoes can really go along way. Be direct and open-minded. Don't baby them, because of a crush. It's very ok to challenge anyone. Remember slow is fast and fast is slow. Don't have to be in any rushes. Honestly the less I've looked for a partner the more I find one. Also don't pickup a hobby just for a lady. Enjoy enjoying what you enjoy. Let them see that side of you. If you do what you love and show someone that side of you. It's going to attract more people. It's how people want to feel, so it's what they want to see. If they see you worried and trying to hard it's just giving them your anxiety.

I know that sounds like too much, but I just really am having an off week.


And I am really bummed out by COVID and other stuff....

I just need someone to at least go on a coffee date with, maybe just some info on how I can get a girl, maybe even ...I don't know, I just want to get advice. I even have a two page list of specifications I'd like in a woman or something.

I know I should think About the Ramifications of what I'm doing, but I feel as though the entire question "how do I get girls to like me" is tired and withered. so please? can anyone help?

 

[Amphilyke]

You're never going to "make" someone your soul mate. If you don't fit together, you won't fit. Try some dating sites, get to know some people, over time maybe you'll meet someone and you'll start to like each other, but you're kinda putting the cart before the horse here. People aren't there for the purpose of being or failing to be your soul mate.

 

[NoKipAr on the run]

You know what? I met a nice girl at the grocery store the other day. I went and complimented her, and I think if I take all of everyone's advice, like start as a friend first, wait a while, and do enough small talk, She could be... well, She's definitely not my ....as I put it "Default Settings" as I call it.... first going in.