Marykate101
Active Member
Hello to everyone again. I posted a “I'm a new member” post a couple of nights ago under the introduce yourself section. And I mentioned that I was going to have a couple of questions since I'm the NT and the man I'm involved with is most certainly an undiagnosed aspie. And all of this is new to me.
My hope is that some of you will be able to make sense of my questions.
And in the spirit of full disclosure-- this turned into a very long post! Just wanted to give that heads up
I appreciate anyone that wants to offer some insight for me. And I apologize in advance for anything I say that might sound wrong or even possibly insulting. I'm just learning about this.
I had been trying to mentally compose and condense the post I wanted to submit and got hung up on a certain part.
The reason is that on some other websites with articles, tips, and whatnot that I've been reading I came across a few people (some aspies, some not) that stated --as if this was a well known fact -- that aspies cannot tell a lie. Period. That they don't have the mental/emotional components for artifice and manipulation, and dishonesty is therefore not possible.
The statements came across to me like a blanket statement that was true 99.9% of the time with all aspies… But I tend to think that everyone is different? So maybe that blanket statement is completely ludicrous??
Such as don't ask them a question unless you want the hard cold truth. Don't expect them to give you a compliment when you ask how you look because you'll only get the truth that your hair is a mess and you should have worn a more flattering color, etc.. with no regard to how it hurts someone's feelings.
But in contrast, this other article I was reading said that aspies can in fact, and do, lie, and they can manipulate, but that usually the ‘story’ of whatever lie they're telling doesn't match up right because it's done in odd little bits, whereas a NT is able to look ahead at the whole picture and tell a smooth lie that encompasses every loose end. (In theory).
So then I was confused, and disappointed I have to admit, as I was rather hoping that the part about the inability to lie was kinda true-- would have made me feel much happier for sure
Since I'm a person who values honesty above all else, I found the concept of a person who was incapable of lying akin to finding the holy grail, a magical fairy, and a unicorn all rolled up in one! And I know that was ridiculous of me but what can I say, I'm just learning about all of this, and that's what some people said and I wanted to believe it.. I'm clearly pretty gullible.
So since this other article stated that they can totally lie, now I'm confused about what to think in regards to my particular relationship issue.
Because I totally took him at face value and believed the statements he made about us and our relationship. Again, maybe I'm just too gullible?
So now after reading that conflicting information I'm doubting the things he said and I'm thinking maybe he was only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear? Or what he thought he was supposed to say in that kind of a situation? And maybe it wasn't even the truth at all?
Because I also read that aspies frequently have memorized scripts they use, and personas that they act out in certain situations.
So isn't that kind of like lying then? ( For anyone who does it obviously, aspie or not).
And I have certainly observed this behavior in him, although not realizing what it was exactly at the time. But yeah, he has presented some very different kinds of personalities in various situations with me over the months.
And right now I'm wondering if he's run through his entire repertoire, and is avoiding face to face contact because he doesn't have a script for what he's supposed to be doing or saying at this point as we progress in the relationship?
Because after stating that he wanted to spend much more time together and get closer, his actions are what I would describe as a full retreat, at least in a physical sense. He still responds almost immediately to my texts, or if I phone him he's very attentive that way, and he never ignores my texts or anything like that but he also doesn't seem to have the same type of responses that he used to when we first reconnected back in the spring.
I get the impression that he's on terra incognito now and doesn't know how to proceed correctly…?
On the occasions that we have visited each other in person I could tell he was really struggling with his emotions, particularly with physical contact, (however he was the one who initiated it in all instances) and also when it was time for me to leave. He became almost distant. But I'm not sure why because he seemed very happy to see me initially.
For example, earlier this year we saw each other for the first time in decades and I was clearly able to identify in his behavior appropriate levels of excitement, happiness, nervousness, interest, and he clearly waited with bated breath when he asked me if he was going to see me again. And displayed obvious relief when I said yes. Plus he called me an hour after I was on my way home to see how I was doing.
We texted constantly throughout the days, and many late nights, for months, in addition to some phone calls, and a few more visits in person.
Then something very traumatic and life changing happened to him. He reached out to me immediately after he found out. He called to tell me what happened. And he said he wanted me to be a part of his life.
Then about a week later he said he was going to move close to where I live so we could be together more often. He did actually start the process of moving. Then he had a serious health issue he was hospitalized for, and then recovery time. We saw each other three more times and as I said, he had acted glad to be together, but then became strange and distant at the goodbye stage.
And now, he no longer talks about getting together. He will respond to my texts almost immediately, and he did say that I could call him whenever I want to. But he hasn't called me since the last time we got together.
I make it clear that I miss him and want to see him. I asked him in mid November if we were going to see each other in December and he responded Yes, I want to see you again soon.
Yet he never brings it up.
So, I don't have a clue what has caused the change in his behavior, because he says he wants to continue our relationship when I ask him. In fact I have asked him so many times if he wants to quit seeing each other, that he said he doesn't know why I keep asking that so frequently, and to stop asking him that.
So I'm completely in the dark. And I have tried the direct (I thought) approach and asked him (in a text to make it easier) about some of the things he has said and done that I don't understand because his words and actions are contradictory. But he completely shied away from answering. Just ignored the whole thing. So I eventually changed the subject to something neutral and impersonal, and he responded to that right away.
There's a lot of backstory that I'm trying not to go into because this is already going to be too long of a post! But we were “first loves” at 18- 19 years old and circumstances beyond our control caused us to lose contact with each other and sent us in different directions.
He said he never got over me, and that he has been looking for me all these years. He even got a job near my hometown and went there regularly to check the local phone book (yeah, that was all we had back in the dark ages…) to see if I had moved back there.
So I felt like he meant it when he said he wants us to get re-established in our relationship.
But the crux of the problem for me is I don't know if he is just saying things he thinks he should be saying? In reality, is this some script he is trying on for size and now doesn't know how to get out of the situation?
Because he is clearly keeping us apart, physically anyway, right now.
So to me his earlier words and current actions are completely contradictory.
He is always there by phone or text, and has stated multiple times that he doesn't want me to back off, or to give him more space.
Then why has he clearly put on the brakes with actual face to face encounters?
Why is he being so contradictory?
Does it sound like he is actually lying to me about wanting to continue this relationship, and I'm missing something?? Or does it sound like he means what he says but just needs to go slower than what he told me earlier? Has he had too many life changing events happen this year and is just overwhelmed with all of it? Does he just need time alone for some reason?
Or is he telling me something completely different from what I think, as a NT, and I am way off the mark?
Maybe it's the physical part of it that confuses him? Maybe he doesn't understand why he doesn't feel some dramatic response after carrying a torch for me all these decades, hence he's not sure if he really does feel anything special for me at all?
Does it sound like he is actually trying to get me to leave him alone even though he gets extremely irritated with me when I ask him if he wants me to??
So confused here!!
Also, I would like to know what everyone thinks about the “aspies aren't able to lie” vs. “Yes they can and do so very well” stuff that I mentioned earlier.
Sorry for the multiple questions buried in all of this, and also if it's terribly confusing to read.
But I am terribly confused about all of this as well!
My profuse thanks for anyone brave enough to wade through this and offer any insight into any part of his behavior
My hope is that some of you will be able to make sense of my questions.
And in the spirit of full disclosure-- this turned into a very long post! Just wanted to give that heads up
I appreciate anyone that wants to offer some insight for me. And I apologize in advance for anything I say that might sound wrong or even possibly insulting. I'm just learning about this.
I had been trying to mentally compose and condense the post I wanted to submit and got hung up on a certain part.
The reason is that on some other websites with articles, tips, and whatnot that I've been reading I came across a few people (some aspies, some not) that stated --as if this was a well known fact -- that aspies cannot tell a lie. Period. That they don't have the mental/emotional components for artifice and manipulation, and dishonesty is therefore not possible.
The statements came across to me like a blanket statement that was true 99.9% of the time with all aspies… But I tend to think that everyone is different? So maybe that blanket statement is completely ludicrous??
Such as don't ask them a question unless you want the hard cold truth. Don't expect them to give you a compliment when you ask how you look because you'll only get the truth that your hair is a mess and you should have worn a more flattering color, etc.. with no regard to how it hurts someone's feelings.
But in contrast, this other article I was reading said that aspies can in fact, and do, lie, and they can manipulate, but that usually the ‘story’ of whatever lie they're telling doesn't match up right because it's done in odd little bits, whereas a NT is able to look ahead at the whole picture and tell a smooth lie that encompasses every loose end. (In theory).
So then I was confused, and disappointed I have to admit, as I was rather hoping that the part about the inability to lie was kinda true-- would have made me feel much happier for sure
Since I'm a person who values honesty above all else, I found the concept of a person who was incapable of lying akin to finding the holy grail, a magical fairy, and a unicorn all rolled up in one! And I know that was ridiculous of me but what can I say, I'm just learning about all of this, and that's what some people said and I wanted to believe it.. I'm clearly pretty gullible.
So since this other article stated that they can totally lie, now I'm confused about what to think in regards to my particular relationship issue.
Because I totally took him at face value and believed the statements he made about us and our relationship. Again, maybe I'm just too gullible?
So now after reading that conflicting information I'm doubting the things he said and I'm thinking maybe he was only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear? Or what he thought he was supposed to say in that kind of a situation? And maybe it wasn't even the truth at all?
Because I also read that aspies frequently have memorized scripts they use, and personas that they act out in certain situations.
So isn't that kind of like lying then? ( For anyone who does it obviously, aspie or not).
And I have certainly observed this behavior in him, although not realizing what it was exactly at the time. But yeah, he has presented some very different kinds of personalities in various situations with me over the months.
And right now I'm wondering if he's run through his entire repertoire, and is avoiding face to face contact because he doesn't have a script for what he's supposed to be doing or saying at this point as we progress in the relationship?
Because after stating that he wanted to spend much more time together and get closer, his actions are what I would describe as a full retreat, at least in a physical sense. He still responds almost immediately to my texts, or if I phone him he's very attentive that way, and he never ignores my texts or anything like that but he also doesn't seem to have the same type of responses that he used to when we first reconnected back in the spring.
I get the impression that he's on terra incognito now and doesn't know how to proceed correctly…?
On the occasions that we have visited each other in person I could tell he was really struggling with his emotions, particularly with physical contact, (however he was the one who initiated it in all instances) and also when it was time for me to leave. He became almost distant. But I'm not sure why because he seemed very happy to see me initially.
For example, earlier this year we saw each other for the first time in decades and I was clearly able to identify in his behavior appropriate levels of excitement, happiness, nervousness, interest, and he clearly waited with bated breath when he asked me if he was going to see me again. And displayed obvious relief when I said yes. Plus he called me an hour after I was on my way home to see how I was doing.
We texted constantly throughout the days, and many late nights, for months, in addition to some phone calls, and a few more visits in person.
Then something very traumatic and life changing happened to him. He reached out to me immediately after he found out. He called to tell me what happened. And he said he wanted me to be a part of his life.
Then about a week later he said he was going to move close to where I live so we could be together more often. He did actually start the process of moving. Then he had a serious health issue he was hospitalized for, and then recovery time. We saw each other three more times and as I said, he had acted glad to be together, but then became strange and distant at the goodbye stage.
And now, he no longer talks about getting together. He will respond to my texts almost immediately, and he did say that I could call him whenever I want to. But he hasn't called me since the last time we got together.
I make it clear that I miss him and want to see him. I asked him in mid November if we were going to see each other in December and he responded Yes, I want to see you again soon.
Yet he never brings it up.
So, I don't have a clue what has caused the change in his behavior, because he says he wants to continue our relationship when I ask him. In fact I have asked him so many times if he wants to quit seeing each other, that he said he doesn't know why I keep asking that so frequently, and to stop asking him that.
So I'm completely in the dark. And I have tried the direct (I thought) approach and asked him (in a text to make it easier) about some of the things he has said and done that I don't understand because his words and actions are contradictory. But he completely shied away from answering. Just ignored the whole thing. So I eventually changed the subject to something neutral and impersonal, and he responded to that right away.
There's a lot of backstory that I'm trying not to go into because this is already going to be too long of a post! But we were “first loves” at 18- 19 years old and circumstances beyond our control caused us to lose contact with each other and sent us in different directions.
He said he never got over me, and that he has been looking for me all these years. He even got a job near my hometown and went there regularly to check the local phone book (yeah, that was all we had back in the dark ages…) to see if I had moved back there.
So I felt like he meant it when he said he wants us to get re-established in our relationship.
But the crux of the problem for me is I don't know if he is just saying things he thinks he should be saying? In reality, is this some script he is trying on for size and now doesn't know how to get out of the situation?
Because he is clearly keeping us apart, physically anyway, right now.
So to me his earlier words and current actions are completely contradictory.
He is always there by phone or text, and has stated multiple times that he doesn't want me to back off, or to give him more space.
Then why has he clearly put on the brakes with actual face to face encounters?
Why is he being so contradictory?
Does it sound like he is actually lying to me about wanting to continue this relationship, and I'm missing something?? Or does it sound like he means what he says but just needs to go slower than what he told me earlier? Has he had too many life changing events happen this year and is just overwhelmed with all of it? Does he just need time alone for some reason?
Or is he telling me something completely different from what I think, as a NT, and I am way off the mark?
Maybe it's the physical part of it that confuses him? Maybe he doesn't understand why he doesn't feel some dramatic response after carrying a torch for me all these decades, hence he's not sure if he really does feel anything special for me at all?
Does it sound like he is actually trying to get me to leave him alone even though he gets extremely irritated with me when I ask him if he wants me to??
So confused here!!
Also, I would like to know what everyone thinks about the “aspies aren't able to lie” vs. “Yes they can and do so very well” stuff that I mentioned earlier.
Sorry for the multiple questions buried in all of this, and also if it's terribly confusing to read.
But I am terribly confused about all of this as well!
My profuse thanks for anyone brave enough to wade through this and offer any insight into any part of his behavior
