Another Adventure in Singles-ville

[KwiSpen]

Sorry, I couldn't think of a better title for the thread. That notwithstanding, I'm back with an odd tale of my attempts in love and friendship. I'm still in college, not partying too much, but becoming more involved in the school community, going to events and taking a bigger role in my clubs. That's the good news. The bad news is that I'm still on a dating site, having never had a true relationship. Hell, I haven't even gotten to first base (do people still say that?). So, I'd like to think I'm doing all the right things, but not achieving the results I desire.

The spur of this post is something that just happened to me that I want to take for a spin. Again, still desperate, but I never thought it would be that bad that my mother would become involved. Let's set the stage: Mom has a friend who apparently has some connections at my school. Through those connections came a rumor. That's right: a rumor from my school, and my mom heard it first. Apparently, Mom's friend heard of someone in her circle having a thing for me. I was recently given a name and picture of this person, and I started searching. I searched high. I searched low. I searched far and wide. But I could find no trace of this mystery admirer in my vicinity. So I've decided to drop the issue and thank Mom for her "efforts."

So, in the end, Mom's friend was full of it (has always been a drama queen, don't know how I didn't see it coming), I'm nowhere closer to having a girlfriend, and I get a story for cocktail parties. The way things are going, it won't be a wedding story, since there's not looking like there will be a wedding. In fact, it seems more likely I get roasted by the Friars Club before I get married. Either way, the story's applicable.

So that's my story. I welcome questions, comments, and praise.

 

[metalminx24]

Ok, here's some praise....Yay you for not giving up, for resurrecting the base system and for putting yourself out there. Woop woop, sparkly lights, balloons and appropriate fanfare!!

A dating site is not necessarily a bad thing, it worked for a few of us here. And your mum's friend is an arsehat.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

My friend, despite what you may see as standard around you, you are only 20 years old and it is not so horrible that you haven't "been to first base" yet. I didn't get a first kiss till I was 20 and looking back now, I'd pay any amount of money to take it back, let me tell you.

Take it from someone who has loved and lost a few times: You are young and the worst thing you can do is rush things. You can eventually find someone who will connect with you in some manner but when you are desperate, you will overlook darn near any horrible thing just to have someone for as long as you can hold onto them. Finding a girl is not the hard task; it's finding the RIGHT girl. If you are desperate, you will not have the tools to break up with the ones that are treating you bad! Also, it's good that you know you are desperate but don't get too comfortable with it my friend because it's not a pretty trait. Not only does it repel more than attract, you have to consider a relationship as the marathon you run, not the line you cross at the end. What good is it to find someone if you aren't going to be able to keep a stable healthy relationship going?

I know this sounds presumptuous coming from a stranger and I do apologize for that tone. But desperations always leads to codependency, that's Psychology 101 and no one is an exception. If I could go back in time and beat the desperation out of my system I would. It's not going to do you good in the long run. Unless you like learning lessons the hard way instead of learning from people who already did.

A girlfriend is nice and fun and all. I don't mean to put that down. But just because you want one doesn't mean you need one. Any self respecting young woman worth having would want a man who can be happy on his own without her filling a void. Again, codependency is bad.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I can relate to embarrassing mother blunders but mother's of autistic people have their own growth to go through. You need to take time to communicate these problems with your mom because she should be supporting you and it doesn't do you much good if she blunders like that. My mom has shown amazing growth in the past 10 years because I showed her that I may be autistic but that doesn't mean I'm the only one that needs to learn from my mistakes. Good intentions are not enough, we all need to get better.

Strive for strength my friend. Find your inner man and build him. Women are great but even if you find the perfect one, it is very easy to mess it up if you aren't able to keep your own chin up. Life goes on with or without girls. It's lonely yes, but you are much better off alone than with the wrong one. Surround yourself with strong, positive people who will uplift you in life and grow to stand upright and tall. Look towards the future, not around for a mate.

Or spend a few years trying to force it. Browse cheap dating sites and watch how turns out. You may find that you can't force these things. You can't engineer anything to make it happen. It has to be organic, natural. And it will only come when you are ready. Focus on readying yourself for that time, don't focus on quickening it's arrival.

*shrug* This applies to everyone. Take it or leave it.

 

[kris]

I don't even have anything to say after reading church's response above. That is all so spot on and wise beyond years.

I also didn't get my first kiss until well into college.. ended up online dating and marrying that first person I kissed. huge, huge mistake. Life is good now (at 33), but I'd give anything to have heard that advice above and actually have listened to it 15 years ago.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Being on a dating site isn't a bad thing! If you don't put yourself out there you won't get anywhere after all.

I can't really add much to Church's fab response, except to second the sentiment to not rush things, take your time (I didn't kiss anyone until I was 23 )!

Maybe instead of being desperate for a girlfriend you should concentrate on enjoying being single, it's great fun (this is coming from an almost 26 year old who has never had a relationship, and is very happy with that). I have found, anecdotally, that most people I have talked to on this subject ended up finding someone after they stopped looking and instead spent their time enjoying life and trying to make friends.

Anyways, good luck in you endeavours.