An all too common problem for autistic women

[Outdated]

Greater awareness should encourage change. (I hope)

Deborah thought her abuse was normal — but a late autism diagnosis changed everything

Deborah thought abuse at the hands of her loved ones was normal. It wasn't until a late autism diagnosis that she began to understand a pattern of domestic violence in her relationships.

www.abc.net.au

 

[MildredHubble]

Some of what Deborah says in the article feels very familiar. I never really understood the abuse I received from my mother was abuse until years later. Of course it wasn't "abuse" my mother told me so.

It's upsetting that people who are different do, it seems, light up like beacons to predators. When you are a victim of abuse you come to feel like that's how you deserve to be treated. The way she describes herself as having "intrinsic naivety" I definitely relate to. Trying so damn hard to be good and still getting it wrong resulting in more abuse.

And as far as the world knows, I'm male. So presumably if I did seek an ASD diagnosis, I'm more likely to be diagnosed if it's the case.

It does make me wonder though, about gender identity. If you identify as female (even if you have largely hidden it from the world) do you perhaps run afoul of the same problems when it comes to diagnosis? Do you have some of the female traits that make masking easier?

I wonder if anyone has thought of this in the medical field. Based on the way women are treated though, I think it's likely not high on the agenda either.

I really wish that the medical profession would get out of its own way sometimes.

 

[YabbaDabba]

 

[Outdated]

It does make me wonder though, about gender identity. If you identify as female (even if you have largely hidden it from the world) do you perhaps run afoul of the same problems when it comes to diagnosis?

I suspect that this is more true than just a simplistic men versus women view. That it's about character type and boldness.

Do you have some of the female traits that make masking easier?

I don't believe I have any feminine qualities but throughout my whole life most of my closest friends have been women. I just find them easier to get along with.

That said, I'm superb at masking, but for me it's a very deliberate and conscious act. I didn't "come upon the realisation" that I was masking. When I was 16 my best mate went on a sales training seminar and when he told me about it I instantly recognised it as a set of skills that I desperately needed.

I spent a couple of years practicing and perfecting different masks. Literally spending hours at a time mimicking other people. Their facial expressions, their body language, even the way they walk. I practiced their speech patterns as well. My entire public persona is a complete fabrication that took many years to become habitual and feel natural.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Some of what Deborah says in the article feels very familiar. I never really understood the abuse I received from my mother was abuse until years later. Of course it wasn't "abuse" my mother told me so.

It's upsetting that people who are different do, it seems, light up like beacons to predators. When you are a victim of abuse you come to feel like that's how you deserve to be treated. The way she describes herself as having "intrinsic naivety" I definitely relate to. Trying so damn hard to be good and still getting it wrong resulting in more abuse.

And as far as the world knows, I'm male. So presumably if I did seek an ASD diagnosis, I'm more likely to be diagnosed if it's the case.

It does make me wonder though, about gender identity. If you identify as female (even if you have largely hidden it from the world) do you perhaps run afoul of the same problems when it comes to diagnosis? Do you have some of the female traits that make masking easier?

I wonder if anyone has thought of this in the medical field. Based on the way women are treated though, I think it's likely not high on the agenda either.

I really wish that the medical profession would get out of its own way sometimes.

I cannot imagine abuse. My problem was more neglect of my isolation. I had the fortitude to change myself because the status quo was just too painful. And, I did not know I am autistic. I am waiting for Markness to break in that way and I hope he has the resilience to rebuild himself.

 

[Aspychata]

This was hard to read, that l maybe more vulnerable, however l also have to be my own advocate and speak up for myself, and those woman around me who need help.
I see many abusive relationships around me, and it's disturbing. In the end, some of us are forced to evaluate the abuse and decide who is the best to be with because some of us can't function alone due to age, environment, autism and ability to mask, financial standing.

Being born female is already a burden in upon itself.

 

[Ella Spell]

That’s a great article except for the fact it implies women are financially subservient to their abusive partners, and that their abusive partners are always male.

 

[MildredHubble]

That’s a great article except for the fact it implies women are financially subservient to their abusive partners, and that their abusive partners are always male.

I think you make a fair point. The compulsion to abuse others I have found to be fairly gender agnostic. My mother was/is abusive and her mother was abusive. I was target by a lot of abusive women as a kid. My theory is that my mother's abuse made me stand out as a nice juicy target for them.

The problem though, I think is that there is a certain percentage of men who are brought up in a way that encourages them to be bullies and toxic to those they perceive as "weaker" than they are. Often they believe that feminine traits indicate weakness and it's their devine right to subjugate those that have those traits. Another issue is that other less toxic men "play along" so they can be seen as tough or manly and get approval from their peers.

So I guess the point of the article is to demonstrate how women who have vulnerabilities are even more likely to find themselves in a toxic relationship with toxic men.

 

[Rodafina]

9 out of 10 seems exceptionally high, and it does make me wonder about the under diagnosis of women with autism. I suspect there is much more evidence needing to be gathered as the world learns more about how autistic women operate.

I also couldn’t help but notice this article was about a woman who already was subjected to abuse when she was a child. This is another social indicator frequently common among those who are in abusive relationships… Childhood abuse.

Interesting article and definitely worth bringing awareness to, but also, as with all news, it deserves a skeptical eye as well.

 

[Aspychata]

Good points @Rodafina .

I saw my mom abused, so l started out handicapped in my belief system of how relationships function. However l have met some very nice responsible men and am very thankful that they included me in their lifetime.

 

[SusanLR]

I never knew any abuse from my parents. It was idyllic, really.
It has always been the relationships with men I found abusive.
I've only known a few close relations with men, but it always went south.
Lies, control, and trying to make me feel "less than."
Fortunately, I never put up with that. I stand my ground, then leave.
Only now at this point in my life do I put up with the mental and verbal abuse
from one I live with.
As @Aspychata puts it:

In the end, some of us are forced to evaluate the abuse and decide who is the best to be with because some of us can't function alone due to age, environment, autism and ability to mask, financial standing.

I don't know how it is all going to turn out, but the pendulum is swinging.

 

[Luca]

Abuse is pretty much all I have known from most people in my life. Caregivers, friends, family, teachers, therapists, peers, authority figures.
People treating me the way I want to be treated is more the exception than the rule.

Definitely because I’m autistic, because I’m clearly not like anyone else and it has always been perceived as a weakness, or a threat.

A lot of my abusers have also been women though. Including women who sexually abused me. But I’m not disagreeing with the statement that it’s usually men.
The jail sentences for rapists and perpetrators of domestic violence (and sometimes even murderers) in the US show that this is not taken as seriously as it needs to be.

 

[Angular Chap]

Shame this is such a tricky subject to cover in these deliberately divisive times. Trying to walk the fine line between acknowledging women's genuine and valid personal safety concerns, without ignoring male victims and potentially driving all the good lads out there into the waiting arms of actual dangerous misogynists. Then the shouting match distracts from the original point.

I'm a big fan of solidarity among ALL genders at all times, and I think that's the best way to handle things long term, but part of me still thinks I could be turning my back on some people just a bit with that approach.

Validation might be the right word here, talk about it, raise awareness so that the right people notice, while being wary of people trying to derail things for their own ends. Also validating that other genders and other identities exist as well, sometimes with their own specific issues. Small acts of validation and awareness day to day.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I never knew any abuse from my parents. It was idyllic, really.
It has always been the relationships with men I found abusive.
I've only known a few close relations with men, but it always went south.
Lies, control, and trying to make me feel "less than."
Fortunately, I never put up with that. I stand my ground, then leave.
Only now at this point in my life do I put up with the mental and verbal abuse
from one I live with.
As @Aspychata puts it:

I don't know how it is all going to turn out, but the pendulum is swinging.

@SusanLR , @Rodafina @Aspychata , @Luca: I have seen generational abuse and I think it is horrible. I just keeps on . . and on. . . and on. Then, there are the man-children trained by society and their peers that their desires come first. We see them as the controlling jerks who stalk women, and in relationships isolate women from their friends and family trying to keep them subserviant.

I like that I never developed that way. Of course I had other problems, but I value women and am happy to have a partner that thinks for herself in a relationship that emphasizes our equality. Doing that has yielded benefits for us both.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

This was hard to read, that l maybe more vulnerable, however l also have to be my own advocate and speak up for myself, and those woman around me who need help.
I see many abusive relationships around me, and it's disturbing. In the end, some of us are forced to evaluate the abuse and decide who is the best to be with because some of us can't function alone due to age, environment, autism and ability to mask, financial standing.

Being born female is already a burden in upon itself.

@Aspychata . THAT'S HORRIBLE! What is wrong with us that women cannot engage with and have a relationship with men who will support them and allow them the freedom to live without coersion. I am proud that I never learned to act the way that some men have.

I wish that decent men here who desire a relationship but have problems connecting would understand that there are many women who would enjoy having a kind, dedicated man in their life.

 

[Sablerose]

Greater awareness should encourage change. (I hope)

Deborah thought her abuse was normal — but a late autism diagnosis changed everything

Deborah thought abuse at the hands of her loved ones was normal. It wasn't until a late autism diagnosis that she began to understand a pattern of domestic violence in her relationships.

www.abc.net.au

Thank you so much for posting this, she found out kind of like i have. . . Later in life and not looking for it anymore lol, My story reads very much like hers. . . And yes it was shocking and a massive relief at the same time once i started to research it for my hubby no less

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

This is so complicated for me. I recognized the abuse, but also seemed to accept it as part of life. It is confusing for me. I still don't pick up on verbal abuse. I know I feel bad when it happens, but I have no idea how to respond.

I also picked up on the 90% of women experiencing sexual abuse, but only 60% physical abuse. I certainly recognized physical abuse more easily than sexual abuse. There is this muddy mooshy area in adult sexual relations that I still have trouble with.

I agree that abusers and victims can be of any gender or sexual preference.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Here is a recent article published in Scientific American by and about autistic women,

Autism in Women

 

[Mr. Stevens]

This is so complicated for me. I recognized the abuse, but also seemed to accept it as part of life. It is confusing for me. I still don't pick up on verbal abuse. I know I feel bad when it happens, but I have no idea how to respond.

I don't know if you relate, but for me the hard part isn't necessarily picking up on the abuse. It's knowing few will care. Obviously the abuser won't, but I think most people will ignore my complaints. Or see my view as a minority one. I'd certainly complain more if it got me somewhere.

I'd say at least part of this is because our needs and values can differ so much from those of non-Autistic people. Also, most of us are probably used to a lifetime of being ignored/misunderstood/abused, etc.

 

[Luca]

I don't know if you relate, but for me the hard part isn't necessarily picking up on the abuse. It's knowing few will care. Obviously the abuser won't, but I think most people will ignore my complaints. Or see my view as a minority one. I'd certainly complain more if it got me somewhere.

I'd say at least part of this is because our needs and values can differ so much from those of non-Autistic people. Also, most of us are probably used to a lifetime of being ignored/misunderstood/abused, etc.

This is a very good point. This was exactly my experience as well, and why no charges were ever brought forward.

People care even less when the complaints are coming from extremely marginalized people (in my case, a minor child in the foster care system.)

If what happened to me had happened to a more privileged or “high profile” person, the people who did those heinous things to me would probably be facing many years in prison.