Am I overreacting?

[CDD]

Hi

I've been in a monogamous relationship with my high-functioning aspie boyfriend for a couple of yrs now. He always struggled to express his emotions etc but it's getting to the point where I just don't feel love from him at all and I need to know if the relationship is just not worth it or if it's us not understanding each other.

I love him but since the beginning of the relationship I feel like I've been getting untrue responses or things that don't correlate. I have borderline personality so I have my own issues that I'm working on.

There have been a few things he's said that ring alarm bells.

On one of the first few dates, we were talking about past relationships. He described one ex in particular (the one he was heartbroken by after 4 years of being on & off with) as "Tall & lean just like me [he's tall & lean, I'm short and chubby] We were the same person in two different bodies." They dated a few years ago so there is space between, the words he used just made me feel like he's not over it. His friend bumped into her last year and he said he looked her up...although a few months after he also said his friend forced him to see her instagram photos & that he didn't care to look her up...

He once saw an old photo of me where I was rather big and he accidentally said out loud that I looked like a "big black ball" - black was in reference to the colour of my dress, not my skin tone at least. I say accidentally because when I asked him about it, his first response was "I wouldn't say that. I don't remember saying that". He later said it was "awkward phrasing". He admitted that he didn't like the bulgy stomach I had because it reminds him of his aversion to obesity & his obese mother that he very dearly hates.

We moved pretty fast together because it just felt right - we live together now & both work pretty standard 9-5 jobs. He didn't do any chores til I asked him, I would have to ask him several times to do any chore. Eventually I would get annoyed and we'd have an argument, once we argued - only then would he continue doing his part of the chores.

When I asked him what his ideal body type was, he described my best friend...when I asked him a year later (a few days ago) he just said neither because it doesn't matter & what matters is that I live with him which I felt he was trying to avoid the question altogether instead of saying it's me or her.

He once told me he wanted to buy me a birthday present (I hate birthdays and generally isn't a day I want to exist) to remind me that there's always someone that I have an impact on, which was really sweet. He told me about it for months before, when my birthday came around - he said & did nothing. A few days passed and I'd asked what happened and he said he forgot, then he said he was too busy, then he said he made himself believe that I needed to choose the present which is why he couldn't buy it.

I do like it when my partner puts in the extra effort to surprise me every now again with something small like even just a note or something silly...the same way I do for him but I haven't got that from him. Not once. We've had a few fights about it and he always says he freezes, for some reason he just can't go through with buying something for me. He says he can't find something that shows how much I'm really worth to him. He said he doesn't know how to do surprises and wouldn't buy lingerie (this is important due to the weight thing - he said he found me least attractive naked which put a hold on our intimacy & I feel worthless to him - I have my own issues from a sexual trauma past so this didn't help)

I found out that he did buy his ex girlfriend (when they were dating) lingerie as a surprise. She's a model/engineer so I feel like he's settled with me because he was so hurt by her. It hurts knowing that he bought lingerie as a surprise for the ex gf he loved when he can't even buy me something when he says he wants to make me feel important.

Am I overreacting? Is some of this just part of his brain as he frequently says? How do I deal with this?

Apologies for the massive rant but I'm wondering if it's time that I leave him. I feel like I'm worthless to him and I feel like I'm always supporting him. But when I'm down I have to support myself.

He is currently waiting to hear back from a psych to continue treatment (he said he'd follow up with a month ago. He never followed up with them and is now saying he may as well wait til next year.) He keeps asking me to wait because he'll show me that I'm worth it but is easily upset when I bring up that I need more from him.

He says I'm never happy with what he does - He generally goes completely silent and then doesn't say anything until I fold and act sweet with him again, or he'll just be happy to change the subject after a few hours of silence. He eventually bought me 2 plants & a box of chocolates (one gift per massive argument - 3 separate arguments where I said just buy me a plant or a box of chocolates even & I had said I want to leave this relationship because I don't feel any romance from him).

I feel like I have to tell him how to love me and I can't keep doing it without feeling like I'm wasting away with no support from him.

I hope this doesn't sound petty & I hope someone can help me or even just talk to me about it. I'm desperate.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

he'll show me that I'm worth it but is easily upset when I bring up that I need more from him.

Key word 'easily'.

Disparaging to him.

He says I'm never happy with what he does -

Is that also true?

Imagine if you had different expectations,how would things look?

Yeh,these things are tough. It's good you expressed it.

There's also an illusion people have that things will be resolved.
Issues tend to remain issues.
They can become less over time.

The way you both communicate could be part of it.
Saying one thing,hearing another. That type of thing.
It seems he's trying to fit in with what you want , sometimes.
Yet,with your own issues,that can also be difficult for both of you in different ways.

 

[GadAbout]

Only you can determine whether there's enough satisfaction in this relationship to stay. It doesn't sound like it, to me, but then you have to weigh that against the challenges of being single again or having to find a new partner. You didn't express many sentiments of valuing him in your original post, and maybe that's part of the problem. It sort of seems like each of you has "settled."

I deliberately did not address the issue of being in a relationship with an autistic person, because in my view that's the wrong way to look at this. Some autistic people do have a lot of difficulty with romantic relationships, but some have great success with the right partner. All autistic people are not the same.

 

[Aspychata]

Guess you have to define what romance is. Romace to me is crusing in the car and looking at the ocean, back massages, cooking a special meal, looking into his eyes. So you really need to define your romance style and then you will understand yourself better. Maybe he does things with you that he didn't do with her. Maybe she dumped him, so he may never get over that rejection and there isn't much you can do about it. Aren't there any men you have rejected? I have been on both sides so l guess l weather it better at this age. l am a little confused why things are so important, l feel it's very important to value the time you have with him. He is living with you, l think that says quite a lot about him and his feelings for you, but again you are entitled to your views and you need to do what feels best for you. Good luck to you.

Maybe your idea of romance is different then his idea of romance.

A final side note, some men really hate to buy gifts, are bad at it and really can't be bothered with it. This could be a possibilty! I think it's super sweet he bought you chocolates and plants.

 

[SusanLR]

Sometimes it is easier to settle for what you have than going back to the dating scene or being alone.

But, I know from myself and two Aspie men I've known closely that we can be very scattered,
blunt, unthoughtful as we take things for granted that it's alright to be that way, and can be
forgetful. It can also be very challenging to put things into words that come out right.
We always talked about past relationships, but, at least for me, it doesn't mean I'm not over it.
I am and it doesn't hurt to think about them anymore. Just memories without attached feelings.

Only you can decide if you can learn to take these ways that seem strange to you with a grain of salt
and just let him be what he is.
I get the feeling there is no intentional hurt, but, we don't like someone trying to change us.
That is a real relationship killer.

 

[All-Rounder]

Hes not attracted to you, it's not his autism, he doesn't like you. Sometimes we have the responsibility to make the decision to move on from someone who can't even be bothered to make you feel like you are worth all the women in the world to, needless to say attractive. Hes not into you. Please don't be afraid, or be afraid but open your eyes to what's going on and move on. He will find love, and you will be ok.

Does he like you? Yeah. Does he like you enough to be attracted to you and give you gifts like he did when he genuinely felt towards his ex? No, and you know it. You have to be strong for him and stop letting him settle for less, let him go. You will never make someone love you. They either do without your effort or they don't

PS. he will not admit not loving you and its useless to get him to admit anything like that. you just need to accept he is either lonely or scared to let go, but keeping you around like a picture he doesn't even care to look at, just to have is not ok

 

[Tom]

When he called you a big black ball you should have given him a big black eye.

 

[Juliettaa]

I can only imagine what being around him must be doing for your self esteem

This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

His ASD isn't the issue. He's the problem.

 

[BraidedPony]

I have a cery difficult time with showing I care with "romantic" gestures that you mentioned like sweet notes and surprise gifts. However, my Boyfriend feels loved and cared for. I don't buy him chocolates, but I make him his favorite cookies, keep his favorite sodas in the fridge, give him physical affection and tell him about his good qualities. But I have a hard time with using terms like Honey and Sweetie.
So even though I tend to be more practical and less romantic, I am still able to show I care and make an effort to ensure that he feels loved.
Your boyfriend has a thing about a person's body shape and he can't change that and you shouldn't have to live with it.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I can only imagine what being around him must be doing for your self esteem

This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

His ASD isn't the issue. He's the problem.

Sorry. He is not the problem either, as we do not know who is the problem based on one post that gives one side to the story. Both have conditions. Borderline Personality is a severe condition, that will always affect the other partner adversely too. Both likely have contributed to the relationship problems, and both likely are being hurt by the other. As soon as both persons admit that, then perhaps things will get better. When one side wants the other to change, and if the other acts like they are the only victim, it is best then to call it quits.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

It seems like he's just using you as a side chick or something. If he does everything for his ex he DOESN'T do for his current girlfriend, then something's wrong. He IS the problem. I don't are why everyone's defending the guy. I mean, seriously, ASD isn't an excuse to tell your girlfriend that she's fat, and you don't like it if you didn't do that with your ex. I'd feel hurt, too, if someone said they'd get me something on my birthday to show how much they care months before (when I don't ask for anything) and then come that day with nothing and make up lies. Then read hthe rest of her post. What partner says his girl is least attractive when naked and gets nothing for her but gets his ex everything she would've liked. There's something wrong with that. I've never been in a relationship (don't plan to), and even I know there's something wrong with this. It's damaging to her self esteem that she has to pretend to be okay with him putting her down.

@CDD I say just leave him and find someone who actually cares about you.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

It seems like he's just using you as a side chick or something. If he does everything for his ex he DOESN'T do for his current girlfriend, then something's wrong. He IS the problem. I don't are why everyone's defending the guy. I mean, seriously, ASD isn't an excuse to tell your girlfriend that she's fat, and you don't like it if you didn't do that with your ex. I'd feel hurt, too, if someone said they'd get me something on my birthday to show how much they care months before (when I don't ask for anything) and then come that day with nothing and make up lies. Then read hthe rest of her post. What partner says his girl is least attractive when naked and gets nothing for her but gets his ex everything she would've liked. There's something wrong with that. I've never been in a relationship (don't plan to), and even I know there's something wrong with this. It's damaging to her self esteem that she has to pretend to be okay with him putting her down.

@CDD I say just leave him and find someone who actually cares about you.

Could not disagree more. This guy is telling the truth. Do you want him to lie? Again, he is not the problem. If she stays with him she is the problem. It’s not his fault if she stays. She not once mentioned anything she was doing wrong in the relationship. That is the problem.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Could not disagree more. This guy is telling the truth. Do you want him to lie? Again, he is not the problem. If she stays with him she is the problem. It’s not his fault if she stays. She not once mentioned anything she was doing wrong in the relationship. That is the problem.

Did you even read my post carefully or just skim??? I never said CDD did anything wrong, did I? No! I didn't. I said her boyfriend that she mentioned is the one who's wrong in the relationship because he insults his girlfriend's weight, treats his ex better than he ever does treat her, and finds his current girlfriend least attractive. There's no excuse. That's wrong. This is coming from another girl, yes. Are you saying the boyfriend is right to do this to his girl???

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Did you even read my post carefully or just skim??? I never said CDD did anything wrong, did I? No! I didn't. I said her boyfriend that she mentioned is the one who's wrong in the relationship because he insults his girlfriend's weight, treats his ex better than he ever does treat her, and finds his current girlfriend least attractive. There's no excuse. That's wrong. This is coming from another girl, yes. Are you saying the boyfriend is right to do this to his girl???

It looks like you have misplaced anger, sorry. I stand by my words.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

It looks like you have misplaced anger, sorry. I stand by my words.

What do you mean "misplaced anger"? What does that even mean? The point is, I'm pointing out what I see, and the man is wrong. CDD should leave him cause he's done nothing but lower her self esteem.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

What do you mean "misplaced anger"? What does that even mean? The point is, I'm pointing out what I see, and the man is wrong. CDD should leave him cause he's done nothing but lower her self esteem.

Look, you are entitled to your opinion, just as others are too. You are not going to change my rational opinions and beliefs. I am not naive that there are two sides to this story. I dated someone with Borderline Personality. I left her within days. She was a control freak, played victim every day and twisted the facts, and was very negative daily. I am not saying the op is, as everyone with conditions can be different, and with different abilities. What I am saying is you have no proof he is the problem, as you are not there.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Look, you are entitled to your opinion, just as others are too. You are not going to change my rational opinions and beliefs. I am not naive that there are two sides to this story. I dated someone with Borderline Personality. I left her within days. She was a control freak, played victim every day and twisted the facts, and was very negative daily. I am not saying the op is, as everyone with conditions can be different, and with different abilities. What I am saying is you have no proof he is the problem, as you are not there.

Reread the part where I said "I am pointing out what I see". I never implied that you should change your opinion in any way. I never implied that I even knew what was going wrong. I'm stating my opinion based on what CDD says. Plus, I never said you were naive. I state my opinion, you stated yours. Why can't you just leave it at that and quit assuming that on trying to change your mindmind, cause I'm not.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Reread the part where I said "I am pointing out what I see". I never implied that you should change your opinion in any way. I never implied that I even knew what was going wrong. I'm stating my opinion based on what CDD says. Plus, I never said you were naive. I state my opinion, you stated yours. Why can't you just leave it at that and quit assuming that on trying to change your mindmind, cause I'm not.

Ok, thanks. We will leave it at that.

 

[All-Rounder]

The fact he keeps not wanting to change and chooses to be a jerk to you is not your fault. The fact he has no desire to do anything with you is not your fault. The fact he desires nothing to do with you and doesn't work on it is not your fault, it's his choice.

I wouldn't be surprised is he's cheated on you already, it's obvious to me he's not interested in you and will never be, hes not wanting to start getting interested in you and work on it, and thats a great teller of his future behavior. He does not care about your feelings and does not wish to be honest with himself, the way he feels, asking you to take care of his needs and get him fall in love with you madly. he will not commit. I can sit here and talk about this til tomorrow and about how obvious it is and that it's not your fault.

There are much bigger issues than your mistakes here, and that's him not wanting you. If you love him, let him go. He will find love and someone he will genuinely like, and desire to grow with them.

Leave this pretender. Forget his lies and I love yous, they're just there to keep you around because hes too insecure about himself. Hes a coward and doesn't want to take responsibility for his lack of feelings and leave you, let you find true love and find it himself. You have to do it for him.

 

[SDRSpark]

Nope, you're not overreacting.

The lies you've repeatedly caught him in is a huge red flag. It doesn't have to be big things to be a problem. He's hiding from you, for some reason, and that's not OK in any kind of relationship, let alone a long term one. People who lie frequently and casually tend to have a hard time recalling what they said before - so their story changes like the wind.