Am I losing her

[Sherlock77]

Some may recall previous posts, for about a year now I've been casually dating a lady, I say casually because we've never officially said we're dating, but do lots of things together... And interestingly she is bi-polar with a very quiet personality, is there middle ground? But we are both Christian's, something very important to me, and also an eclectic artist too, about the same age as me, both in our 40's...

Being perhaps a typical Aspie, it's my first dating experience and I'm 46! Also being a typical Aspie, my ability to communicate emotion is very poor, thus why I'm one year in and apparently we aren't officially dating...

The last few weeks, I'm sensing that I might be losing her a little... Start with early February, asked if we should maybe do something for Valentine's Day, it was a very sharp "no thanks" and a long moment of silence, awkward... I felt like I had to ask, maybe I shouldn't have but if I didn't ask what would that seem like, communication still continued and we did some stuff together...

The last three weeks or so, I feel like I've been shot down whenever I suggest an outing, we have enjoyed going to arts related events, a shared interest... I suggested a visit to an art exhibit last weekend, she was going away for the weekend (fine), I still went on my own Saturday afternoon, tonight I suggested going this week (as it closes on Saturday), for me and my work it has be an evening or Saturday... She shot me down and said she's going with a friend on Friday afternoon, she is on gov't assistance so doesn't work...

And it's not the first time in recent weeks... I'm just sensing something different, afraid that the relationship is starting to fade... And I'm afraid, I just know I'll probably never have anything so perfect... If I come across as too desperate I'll sound needy, say too little and I don't care... I'm a 46 year old asking this!

I've been struggling with how to even approach a conversation about where this relationship is at, because I'm an Aspie who struggles with communicating about something like this... I'm just freaking myself out right now, and very stressed out!

 

[Mia]

What is it about her that you like? Maybe it's time to tell her a little bit about that somehow, either by writing something in a letter or taking some photographs to express how you feel about her.

Then decide if you want to continue the relationship, because from the little you've written about her just now, she sounds a little abrupt or angry. Try and discover what it is that's upsetting her by asking, it may not be related to you at all. You seem like a very kind, interesting person from your photographs. Someone worth knowing. Obviously she wouldn't be doing things with you unless she was interested in you.

Don't blame yourself for the state of the relationship, find out what the difficulty is with her recent behaviour, it might be a misunderstanding that needs to rectified. Approach it in a way that will problem solve it, not in a way that makes you responsible for her feelings.

 

[Sherlock77]

What is it about her that you like? Maybe it's time to tell her a little bit about that somehow, either by writing something in a letter or taking some photographs to express how you feel about her.

Then decide if you want to continue the relationship, because from the little you've written about her just now, she sounds a little abrupt or angry. Try and discover what it is that's upsetting her by asking, it may not be related to you at all. You seem like a very kind, interesting person from your photographs. Someone worth knowing. Obviously she wouldn't be doing things with you unless she was interested in you.

Don't blame yourself for the state of the relationship, find out what the difficulty is with her recent behaviour, it might be a misunderstanding that needs to rectified. Approach it in a way that will problem solve it, not in a way that makes you responsible for her feelings.

Good question, I just know I've enjoyed spending time with her, she is good company, but I'm having trouble expressing an emotion beyond that, I have trouble trying to figure out my own emotions most of the time!

If anything both of us are too introverted at times... She may not be upset, maybe I'm just imagining it... I've had times like this before where I've wondered, and then it keeps ticking along anyway...

 

[Judge]

* I say casually because we've never officially said we're dating

* Also being a typical Aspie, my ability to communicate emotion is very poor, thus why I'm one year in and apparently we aren't officially dating...

* Start with early February, asked if we should maybe do something for Valentine's Day, it was a very sharp "no thanks" and a long moment of silence

* The last three weeks or so, I feel like I've been shot down whenever I suggest an outing

* She shot me down and said she's going with a friend on Friday afternoon

* I'm just sensing something different, afraid that the relationship is starting to fade...

** I've been struggling with how to even approach a conversation about where this relationship is at

Very sorry to hear. I'm afraid I don't know how to soft sell this one.

Your own words say a lot under the circumstances. It sounds to me that you're locked into her "friend zone" and that most likely she's emotionally invested in someone else and hasn't told you for whatever reason. IMO that if you have to ask after so much time, it simply isn't "happening".

Under such circumstances I'd be inclined to be more direct with her, asking her a single question. - "Is there someone else, or is this just about me?" At least if the answer is "yes" you can simply bow out with some dignity without further explanations.

 

[Suzanne]

I put out a tentative suggestion that she is as confused as you; doesn't know where on earth the relationship is going and thus, is angry and frustrated with the situation.

It is hard for men and I do feel for you all, because it doesn't matter how insecure one is, you are a man and thus, you are abliged to make the first move.

When I dated, how I would work is if I had CLEAR evidence that the guy liked me in a romantic way, I actually was able to "make the first move", because I was 100% certain that he recipricated and it never failed me. Well, the few dates I had.

One stands out as clear as anything for me. It was my sister who told me that she overheard this guy what he thought about me and it was extremely complimentary. So, I was sort of like an open flower; I welcomed his advances and thus, that told him I was interested and we dated for about a year maybe.

From what you have already shared on here, the fact that she has extreme personality phrases ie ups and downs; I would say that you look in her eyes (if you can) and say that you would very much like to be an item.

However, I must say this to you, you have to be careful, because in fact, your relationship is like oil and water really; very unstable. And so, despite your ages, you really have to see if this can go any where and if you conclude that in reality, it cannot, then let her go, because having her own issues, I doubt she is able to concentrate on your issues.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Agree with those encouraging you to clarify with her where she wants to go in the relationship and where you also want to go. You can always write her a letter if doing it in person makes you too anxious. Tell her you have felt something is different lately and that you would like to resolve any issues that she has about the relationship as you like her company very much and don't want to lose it. You may anyway but you'll feel worse if you go down without a fight. I hope for your sake that she's willing to work with you!!

 

[Kirsty]

she sounds a little abrupt or angry. Try and discover what it is that's upsetting her by asking, it may not be related to you at all. You seem like a very kind, interesting person from your photographs. Someone worth knowing. Obviously she wouldn't be doing things with you unless she was interested in you.

In my experience, just end the relationship with her right now. She might be narcissistic too and be using you as a supply to get what she wants. It’ll break you in the long run. Quiet bipolars are just the same as the ‘loud’ ones as their symptoms are the same and they can be very manipulative.

Apologies for the amount of *you’s* I’ve added. A person that says you did this and you did that etc can be quite intimidating. Watch out for that in her volcabulary. She might end up blaming you for everything.

 

[PokemonManiac]

This is the first thing i will ask is she stable?
She could be heading on a down spiral thats why she is giving the cold shoulder?
It seems like she is trying to continue life even if she maybe down by agreeing to visit art exhabition with her friend

Im no expert at dating but its a good idea to ask if she wants this relationship with you or not
Or it might just be a good idea just to end it if you find its too much to cope with

People (professionals) have agreed that im a person with Aspergers who has bipolar too i dont think i manipulate people so i can say not all with bipolar manipulate, kirsty maybe right about the narassistic personality on top of he bipolar, narassistic people are manipulators i heard

 

[Kirsty]

People (professionals) have agreed that im a person with Aspergers who has bipolar too i dont think i manipulate people so i can say not all with bipolar manipulate, kirsty maybe right about the narassistic personality on top of he bipolar, narassistic people are manipulators i heard

Well, I said *can be*. And I agree. I was talking about narcissistic personality on top of bipolar.

 

[PokemonManiac]

Sorry kirsty i struggled to take in words sometimes when reading and can forget what i have read

 

[Fitzo]

From what you say about her reaction to the Valentine's Day suggestion, I would say that she sees you as a friend and enjoys your company but doesn't want to take it any further.
Since the changes in her behavior have occurred since this event I'm guessing she now feels worried that you view her as more than a friend and that is making her uncomfortable.
If you would be happy to keep seeing her on just a friendship basis, I would suggest saying something like "I value your friendship and enjoy your company. Is everything OK with you?" Just keep it light and don't pressure her. That will give her the opportunity to clarify things if that is what she wants to do.
If you're not comfortable with that, I would back right off and let her come to you if she wants to.

 

[Sherlock77]

Words to chew on, should never start a thread just before bed, and now I'm off to work in a few minutes... I am fairly certain there isn't another guy in her life, at least romantically... Will look closer after work, and maybe I'm more confused now...

 

[Sherlock77]

From what you say about her reaction to the Valentine's Day suggestion, I would say that she sees you as a friend and enjoys your company but doesn't want to take it any further.
Since the changes in her behavior have occurred since this event I'm guessing she now feels worried that you view her as more than a friend and that is making her uncomfortable.
If you would be happy to keep seeing her on just a friendship basis, I would suggest saying something like "I value your friendship and enjoy your company. Is everything OK with you?" Just keep it light and don't pressure her. That will give her the opportunity to clarify things if that is what she wants to do.
If you're not comfortable with that, I would back right off and let her come to you if she wants to.

I've thought that too...

 

[LucyPurrs]

Don't give up Sherlock, especially if you're willing to leave it at friends. You can always tell her that if she's not inclined for a romantic relationship.

 

[PATILYN]

I say casually because we've never officially said we're dating, but do lots of things together...

I'm chiming in as a NT. I just read your perspective above that you are not officially dating, but you know you might never find anything so "perfect". That is pretty sweet thing to acknowledge. Would you like to officially date her?

I think I recall you saying she knows about ASD. Nonetheless, the reality of how that effects you and your communication style might not be getting through to her.

She might have been feeling a tad anxious about being asked out for Valentine's Day by someone who she would like to be dating but who has never yet asked her? Since I didn't see her body language or hear her tone, I can only guess that she might have been confused at the request ... since Valentine's Day has kind of a clear agenda ... lol.

Together with her own mood disorder, which might fluctuate with some regularity together with her trying to read your feelings for her, she might be just taking a step back for her own emotional welfare? She might also have been a little irked that this request came out of you without the clear indications she hoped for from you?

The fact that she has gone out with you and clearly enjoyed your company on so many previous occasions, without any formal declarations, demonstrates to me that she very much values you.

Women sometimes like a little bit of tender flirty word foreplay .... which might not be your forte, but she might like to hear it so that she FEELS the "dating" quality of your relationship.

I think the previous posts are helpful that they want you to stay friends ... but I kind of feel that there could much more than that ... but only if you want to state it.

 

[Sherlock77]

Very sorry to hear. I'm afraid I don't know how to soft sell this one.

Your own words say a lot under the circumstances. It sounds to me that you're locked into her "friend zone" and that most likely she's emotionally invested in someone else and hasn't told you for whatever reason. IMO that if you have to ask after so much time, it simply isn't "happening".

Under such circumstances I'd be inclined to be more direct with her, asking her a single question. - "Is there someone else, or is this just about me?" At least if the answer is "yes" you can simply bow out with some dignity without further explanations.

I could be wrong, but I don't think there is anyone else

 

[Sherlock77]

This is the first thing i will ask is she stable?
She could be heading on a down spiral thats why she is giving the cold shoulder?
It seems like she is trying to continue life even if she maybe down by agreeing to visit art exhabition with her friend

Im no expert at dating but its a good idea to ask if she wants this relationship with you or not
Or it might just be a good idea just to end it if you find its too much to cope with

People (professionals) have agreed that im a person with Aspergers who has bipolar too i dont think i manipulate people so i can say not all with bipolar manipulate, kirsty maybe right about the narassistic personality on top of he bipolar, narassistic people are manipulators i heard

She seems stable right now, when I first met her she had just gotten out of a hospital stay in the mental health ward, it was an interesting month or two before she calmed down to her normal...

 

[Sherlock77]

I put out a tentative suggestion that she is as confused as you; doesn't know where on earth the relationship is going and thus, is angry and frustrated with the situation.

It is hard for men and I do feel for you all, because it doesn't matter how insecure one is, you are a man and thus, you are abliged to make the first move.

When I dated, how I would work is if I had CLEAR evidence that the guy liked me in a romantic way, I actually was able to "make the first move", because I was 100% certain that he recipricated and it never failed me. Well, the few dates I had.

One stands out as clear as anything for me. It was my sister who told me that she overheard this guy what he thought about me and it was extremely complimentary. So, I was sort of like an open flower; I welcomed his advances and thus, that told him I was interested and we dated for about a year maybe.

From what you have already shared on here, the fact that she has extreme personality phrases ie ups and downs; I would say that you look in her eyes (if you can) and say that you would very much like to be an item.

However, I must say this to you, you have to be careful, because in fact, your relationship is like oil and water really; very unstable. And so, despite your ages, you really have to see if this can go any where and if you conclude that in reality, it cannot, then let her go, because having her own issues, I doubt she is able to concentrate on your issues.

I'm confused sometimes too, I should have said more months ago and I know that, yet get tongue tied as to when to bring the topic... It doesn't help that I struggle in areas like that, as I already mentioned...

 

[LucyPurrs]

In response to the above, sometimes it's easier to do it in writing, less confrontational and gives her the option of having time to think through her response. You can always apologize for not addressing the issue sooner.

 

[Fitzo]

In response to the above, sometimes it's easier to do it in writing, less confrontational and gives her the option of having time to think through her response. You can always apologize for not addressing the issue sooner.

Whilst I agree with @LucyPurrs that putting your thoughts in writing may be easier for you, I am a little concerned that it may also potentially push her further away. If I had a male friend who declared himself in writing to me, I would feel cornered unless it was what I was hoping for. If I wanted to keep the friendship but didn't (or couldn't for reasons of my own) feel I wanted it to become a romance I would distance myself further.
If I was hoping for a romance, I would definitely be encouraged by a Valentine's invitation, and see that as the perfect opportunity to deepen the relationship. The fact that she responded with a curt 'no thanks' doesn't bode well IMO.
Sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear!
If you want to keep the friendship and are prepared to accept it may never be more, I would be giving her a little space right now.
Hope it works out well whatever you decide.