Am I in the wrong or are my parents? NT sibling here

[Ddct]

I am a 33 year old NT woman, autistic sister is 31 and neurotypical sister is 25.

My sister is severely autistic and can have aggresive behaviors. My parents have her sleep over only twice a year due to this (Xmas and her birthday) she lives in a group home. My parents dont have aided to help because my sister will get mad if her aides are in the house (in her mind they're supposed to be in the group home, not my parents home) likewise we can't visit her group home because we aren't "supposed" to be there, her aides drive her to my parents house in Xmas.

I am getting a new bigger apartment in December, my parents house Xmas every year (immediate family only). I wanted to host my first Xmas I had never done it before, and of course included my sister (I can't host her AND parents/other sister overnight due to spacing issues) but her group home is only 20 min from me while it's over 90 min from my parents, so it would be much easier for her group home aides to come pick her up at the end of the day.

My mother declined the invitation because if we deviate from my sisters routine she'll "lose it," my mom says "she expects Xmas just as it's always been and I won't be able to control her at your apartment."

I am very hurt by this, it's not like I'm excluding my disabled sister I welcomed her with open arms, I'm hurt that my parents refuse to try and work with her on this, are they in the wrong or am I?

 

[Statest16]

I'd have to know more about the situation,for some people the care home is best,I don't know your sister.

 

[Ddct]

You clearly did not read my question

 

[Progster]

Difficult to answer, because we don't know your family or sister, but given the circumstances you mention in your post, your mum is probably right. It seems like your sister doesn't accept change easily, and going to sleep over at a totally new house is a big change.

Is your sister non-verbal?

 

[Mia]

I think your parents are right in assuming that your autistic sister will have difficulty with the changes in routine as to where christmas would occur.

That does not mean it cannot be done in a way that will be less stressful for your sister if you all celebrate christmas at your new place.

You would have to invite your sister to visit your new place, several times, before the holidays happen. Maybe to see your new apartment before you officially move in. Afterwards, when moved in, and then to see the decorations for Christmas. Slowly demonstrating the idea of
changing plans, and giving her time to think about it.

Each time you would keep the visit short, but relaxing and quiet and even fun. When it's finally time for the celebrations it will be less stressful for her, as she will be aware of the changes that will happen. It's not so much that autistic people cannot deal with change, its that it takes them longer to adjust to the changes.

 

[Bolletje]

If your sister has a lot of problems with change, I understand why your parents would be hesitant to celebrate Christmas at your place instead of at theirs, like they usually do.

I get that you’re hurt, but you shouldn’t take it personally. It’s not about you in that you’re not the reason your parents don’t want to celebrate Christmas at your place. Of course you’re allowed to have feelings about this, but I think it’s important for you to understand that your sister doesn’t have a choice but to be upset about changes. Maybe you could celebrate something else at your place, something that doesn’t involve your sister?

 

[Statest16]

You clearly did not read my question

I think what you asked was,your sister lives in a group home and you want her at your place for Xmass but you mom says;No way.

Sorry I couldn't give a better answer without knowing your family personally.

I would have to know your mother to know if her perceptions are reliable,and would have to know more about sisters disability.

 

[Finder]

As others have stated, would the new environment of your new home make this very stressful for your sister? Perhaps plan an Xmas eve party or a Boxing Day party (the day after Xmas). As mentioned above, having a few trips to your new home first can also help. Also, perhaps this is also important for your parents, where they feel this is a way to support your sister. I would not be upset about this, but simply get more information. Or set your own traditions with a different holiday/event.

 

[Autistic Yoda]

I am very hurt by this, it's not like I'm excluding my disabled sister I welcomed her with open arms, I'm hurt that my parents refuse to try and work with her on this, are they in the wrong or am I?

The goal is simply to find a solution which makes everyone happy. Can your autistic sister be bribed/incentivized to spend Xmas at your place, breaking routine willingly? Everyone wants something, so perhaps there's a potential quid pro quo to pay her off?

Pushing your sister outside her comfort zone can be tremendously beneficial to her. Rain Man was useless and friendless his entire adult life, until half-kidnapped on a road trip. That's how his life finally gained a little meaning at last.

 

[unperson]

You'd have to prep and condition her for the change, not sure you'd want to, maybe she could visit your new place briefly to start?

 

[Streetwise]

The goal is simply to find a solution which makes everyone happy. Can your autistic sister be bribed/incentivized to spend Xmas at your place, breaking routine willingly? Everyone wants something, so perhaps there's a potential quid pro quo to pay her off?

Pushing your sister outside her comfort zone can be tremendously beneficial to her. Rain Man was useless and friendless his entire adult life, until half-kidnapped on a road trip. That's how his life finally gained a little meaning at last.

Disagree his routine meant something to him

 

[Aspychata]

Your mom has her reasons, and this can be a iffy area of supersceeding the mother decision. Can you discuss this a little more with your mom? Open up the lines of communication? She may feel in charge and doesn't have the energy to deal with your sister and a meltdown of some sort. Nobody doubts your true intentions, this is more in the realm of can we deal with what comes up due to a change in structure which we are not very good at dealing with. Change is a four letter word to many of us.

 

[Mary Terry]

Nobody is right or wrong, per se. Maybe you should do it your mom's way this year to keep peace in the family, but use the occasion to start a conversation about plans for next year.

Meanwhile, start bringing your sister to your new home for short visits and let her get used to the new environment. After she feels familiar with and comfortable at your place, you can entertain the whole family at your new home. Your sister should be okay with that because she'll know where she is, that you live there, etc. She needs a period of transition.

You're a good big sister.

 

[Tom]

No one's really wrong here. Its a matter of making a difficult choice. If you keep the tradition the same at the parents house its most likely to go smoothly. Trying to get your sister on the spectrum to deal with new situations is also not a bad thing, but you have to accept the chance, perhaps likelyhood it will be a fiasco.

 

[Hylian]

No one's wrong here. Your mother is most likely right that this will stress your sister out, but you're very sweet for wanting to have her at your apartment. That can be done, but I'm not sure if it's feasible to do this year as it's so close to Christmas.

Like others have said you're going to need to essentially desensitize your sister to being in your apartment, and then possibly also desensitize her to gatherings in your apartment. Doing so might take awhile as every autistic person is different, and depending on how slow you find you have to take that she might not be ready for you to have her at a party at your place when the time comes.