Ah, the elusive friend...

[StableSable]

Hello all!

I found this site last night, and lurked around a bit, so I know how welcoming and kind you all are. That's why I decided to join the fun!

I am a 33yo stay-at-home mom with no friends. I first learned about aspergers at some point in my late 20's and immediately thought, "That's me!" I called my mom to share, and she immediately identified with it, too. She has no friends, either.

I guess I thought all of the misery of not fitting in was over, now that I'm an adult. I didn't realize that being a parent at preschool drop-off and pick-up would make me feel like it was high school all over again!

I was actually excited about preschool. I thought that I would make friends with the other moms, and we would have play-dates for the kids. My son's last day was today. Despite my best efforts of smiling and trying sooooo hard to make chit chat, there have been no play-dates. The other moms started grouping themselves, as people do, and became good friends. I found myself left out, again.

I live in the south, where sweet talk is an art form, so I can make it through most social interactions seemingly normal. Plus, I like to think of myself as a very nice person. Anyway, after all of the frequently used lines have been said, things turn awkward quickly if I haven't noticed a common interest.

I deal, even though I do wish that I had a friend to talk to and hang with on occasion. I'm really on here because I'm trying to decide what to do for my son. He is five and will start kindergarten this August. I hoped he would take after his father, who is friends with everyone he meets, but he didn't. I think he has Aspergers, and I'm trying to decide if seeking a diagnosis would benefit him in any way. I just don't want him to be as completely miserable as I was from middle school through high school.

It's one thing to know that you're different. It's another to slap a label on yourself for other people to see. I don't want to put a permanent label on my son if it could ever hurt him.

So, "hi" to all of you, and thank you for all of your posts on this site! It is helpful to read!

 

[Buzzerfly]

Hi stables able...

I'm a 32 year old NT. I'm pretty outgoing and friendly but also don't have many friends (other than my autistic husband and kids). I'm on a different path than most my age, and am very optimistic much of the time...but I hate the NT world as much as those on the spectrum do.

I am also originally from the south and have a 5 yr old son! I'd say wait on the diagnosis if/until you think it may benefit him. Getting involved in the system isn't all it's cracked up to be. And feeling excluded or left out can be very upsetting...but at least it keeps you feeling. I think many of the most socially accepted kinds have to fake their way through a lot more, until one day, they forget they were faking. Keep in touch.

 

[Buzzerfly]

*kids not kinds

 

[Gritches]

Welcome, welcome to the fold if I may be so bold.

 

[StableSable]

Hi stables able...

I'm a 32 year old NT. I'm pretty outgoing and friendly but also don't have many friends (other than my autistic husband and kids). I'm on a different path than most my age, and am very optimistic much of the time...but I hate the NT world as much as those on the spectrum do.

I am also originally from the south and have a 5 yr old son! I'd say wait on the diagnosis if/until you think it may benefit him. Getting involved in the system isn't all it's cracked up to be. And feeling excluded or left out can be very upsetting...but at least it keeps you feeling. I think many of the most socially accepted kinds have to fake their way through a lot more, until one day, they forget they were faking. Keep in touch.

Thanks for your response! Yeah, I don't look forward to dealing with the system. That's a big deterrent for me in seeking a diagnosis. Maybe it will be enough that we know what is happening. When I was a kid and started having a really tough time fitting in, I was accused of trying to be too different. I try to be very understanding with my son since I have definitely been there!

 

[StableSable]

Welcome, welcome to the fold if I may be so bold.

Thank you for the welcome! The rhyme was sublime!

 

[Nitro]

 

[Keigan]

Welcome.

No kids myself.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I think it's different for males than females and I'm in two minds about official diagnosis.
I think I would have benefitted in some ways if I had known about HFA as a kid but it would have been detrimental in other ways.
I wish I had been given advice on how to make and keep friends and also not to be taken advantage of from an earlier age.
I am so grateful that a site like this exists now that I am an adult and although I'm in the process of being diagnosed, I do not intend to do anything with it other than put to rest thoughts that my childhood experiences and issues throughout my life were defects, that I am damaged, not normal, etc. and to gain some insight into how I can behave differently from now on so that I am less anxious and be able to tackle the social aspect of 'life'.

My gut feeling is to hold off on diagnosis unless your son is really struggling academically. If it is just social, then use the resources to hand to educate and guide him. Once you are in the system, it's hard to get out. People are scared of labels but like to slap them around anyway. If he needs extra support and government resources, etc that require official diagnosis, then perhaps look into it if that eventuality arises.

Good luck.

P.S. I'm 35 and don't have kids. The thought of another 18 years of school terrifies me. First time was rough enough.
The mere thought of school drop offs and forced small talk with other Mums makes me panic. I wonder if this contributed to my lack of desire to have kids... in addition to the squeamish feeling of having something independently growing and MOVING INSIDE YOU.

 

[Mary Terry]

Hi, StableSable! I'm NT and from the South, too. I can see why some autistics would not want an official diagnosis for fear of being negatively labeled for life. But I also see that failure to obtain an official diagnosis results in underreporting of the true number of people on the spectrum, which in turn leads to lower allocation of public resources, research and funding for those autistics who are diagnosed and in dire need of financial, special education, and other governmental assistance. Society and the medical community are unable to determine the number of those on the spectrum without formal diagnosis. At any rate, I'm sure you will make the best decision for yourself and your child. I'm glad you're here.

 

[Danny 74]

Hellooooo stablesable........!

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[tree]

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I think it's different for males than females and I'm in two minds about official diagnosis.
I think I would have benefitted in some ways if I had known about HFA as a kid but it would have been detrimental in other ways.
I wish I had been given advice on how to make and keep friends and also not to be taken advantage of from an earlier age.
I am so grateful that a site like this exists now that I am an adult and although I'm in the process of being diagnosed, I do not intend to do anything with it other than put to rest thoughts that my childhood experiences and issues throughout my life were defects, that I am damaged, not normal, etc. and to gain some insight into how I can behave differently from now on so that I am less anxious and be able to tackle the social aspect of 'life'.

My gut feeling is to hold off on diagnosis unless your son is really struggling academically. If it is just social, then use the resources to hand to educate and guide him. Once you are in the system, it's hard to get out. People are scared of labels but like to slap them around anyway. If he needs extra support and government resources, etc that require official diagnosis, then perhaps look into it if that eventuality arises.

Good luck.

P.S. I'm 35 and don't have kids. The thought of another 18 years of school terrifies me. First time was rough enough.
The mere thought of school drop offs and forced small talk with other Mums makes me panic. I wonder if this contributed to my lack of desire to have kids... in addition to the squeamish feeling of having something independently growing and MOVING INSIDE YOU.

OMG ALIEN!

 

[Buzzerfly]

I think it's different for males than females and I'm in two minds about official diagnosis.
I think I would have benefitted in some ways if I had known about HFA as a kid but it would have been detrimental in other ways.
I wish I had been given advice on how to make and keep friends and also not to be taken advantage of from an earlier age.
I am so grateful that a site like this exists now that I am an adult and although I'm in the process of being diagnosed, I do not intend to do anything with it other than put to rest thoughts that my childhood experiences and issues throughout my life were defects, that I am damaged, not normal, etc. and to gain some insight into how I can behave differently from now on so that I am less anxious and be able to tackle the social aspect of 'life'.

My gut feeling is to hold off on diagnosis unless your son is really struggling academically. If it is just social, then use the resources to hand to educate and guide him. Once you are in the system, it's hard to get out. People are scared of labels but like to slap them around anyway. If he needs extra support and government resources, etc that require official diagnosis, then perhaps look into it if that eventuality arises.

Good luck.

P.S. I'm 35 and don't have kids. The thought of another 18 years of school terrifies me. First time was rough enough.
The mere thought of school drop offs and forced small talk with other Mums makes me panic. I wonder if this contributed to my lack of desire to have kids... in addition to the squeamish feeling of having something independently growing and MOVING INSIDE YOU.

One of my most common nightmares is, by some glitch, my mother has returned me to school. I'm back at school, pregnant, and everyone hates me and I supposedly never officially graduated. I can't leave, because I can't drive...
At least it's a relief when i finally wake up I guess. But my husband still has to remind me that it won't happen.

About having kids, you may be surprised to find them unfamiliar in a good way if you have one. I find unsocialized NT kids are more creature like, especially babies. My husband and I thought of our son as a little hedgehog and daughter as kind of like a squirrel when they were born. And so, it was fun to carry such pure little creatures in my belly. Now that they are older, their dad helps me to keep them protected from the most traumatizing parts of the social world. They are less like critters, very humanly capable and outgoing...I've found them to be the friends I always wanted. And they're still a bit fuzzy. But I have no idea what your road in life looks like or where it goes. Just thought I'd share.

 

[toothless]

hi stablesable, welcome to AC,and to the spectrum to!
dont worry about those other mums/moms,they probably just dont understand you,my sister is aspie and she has no mates from her kids school,ive been before to pick up the older one [5] from school and the parents seem more interested about dragging the child out and getting out of there quickly,it doesnt seem to be a social place,they didnt even look at me and my behaviors while i was sat there.

 

[Judge]

What you're asking remains complicated. Autism isn't manifested in any uniform, linear way. In my own case as a toddler I didn't even speak in sentences until I was past the age of four, quite often content with playing by myself for hours at a time. (My parents did pursue this with medical professionals who pronounced me "just fine".)

At five I began interacting with other kids in the neighborhood and attended Kindergarten with them as well. Back then I never entertained any thoughts that I was different in some way.

My negative interactions didn't really begin until I was between nine and ten, when as if someone turned on a switch and interacting with my peers seemed to reflect a page out of "Lord of the Flies". Where cliques formed and fighting and aggression seemed to replace benign social interactions and happy friendships. And of course socially speaking, things only went downhill from there, not improving until I got beyond high school.

So from my own perspective, I can only speculate that unless your child shows some real difficulty in interaction with his peers, I would hold off on getting him diagnosed. No telling how much time may go by in terms of a real need to have him become self aware of his own autistic traits and behaviors, if in fact he really is on the spectrum to begin with.

I didn't even begin to unravel the mystery of who and what I am until around the age of 55. Had I known much earlier, I often wonder how much my life might have been different, and perhaps better with self-awareness. Though equally I sometimes wonder if I had known too early that it might have negatively impacted me as well. Hard to say. Like I said initially, it's complicated.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

Hello and welcome StableSable. I'm new here myself and must say I am thrilled to have found this site. I grew up in an era where Aspergers was not recognized and therefore went through most of my life believing something was terribly wrong with me. Not until age 40 was I diagnosed and for awhile it was difficult to assimilate that diagnosis in my head. However as time passed I not only accepted the diagnosis but celebrate the wonderful individual that I am; I certainly do not consider it a defect even though I'm sure many NT's would. But I'm a crusty old broad so I just say to myself, screw 'em. I believe many of us on the spectrum do not look at our diagnosis as something negative and the problem with the labeling would be, I fear, that others may consider your son as not normal. Many NT's too are introverts or live their lives with social anxiety so that isn't something that is prevalent to just those on the spectrum.

It's wonderful for your son that you are aware that he may be on the spectrum. You as a parent are the most important person in his life and therefore are able to assist him throughout his childhood with the understanding that he may also be living his life as an Aspie. Unless he struggles academically (as someone mentioned) or suffers from severe social dysfunction, I would postpone the official diagnosis for as long as possible.

I believe once a child is "labelled" he/she will have more difficulties in school due to the fact that NT's view it as something "wrong" rather than just another facet of being human. But that's my opinion and ultimately you are the one who will make that decision.

I also get where you are coming from when you mention picking up your son and finding it difficult to bond with other mothers. I was there and at the time was not yet diagnosed but knew I was not like them. And to be totally honest, so many of them were catty and cliquish that I came to the conclusion that I was better off without them.

I have many hobbies and having two kids kept me very busy so I don't regret not having friends during those years. I spent much time with my children doing many activities along with their friends. I was fortunate to live in an area that was full of kids so I never had to rely on other parents to set up play dates for my kids were able to find their own friends. I did join a church once in hopes of finding people with similar interest but was made to feel like an outsider.

Now my kids are grown and I do have a few friends but still prefer to be alone with my books, writing poetry, needlepoint, and of course, social media. I hope for you the best and that you are able to find fulfilling activities and hobbies for yourself and for your son. Also keep in mind that many Aspies are extremely intelligent and go far in life when they realize where their strengths lay.

 

[Lady Penelope]

One of my most common nightmares is, by some glitch, my mother has returned me to school. I'm back at school, pregnant, and everyone hates me and I supposedly never officially graduated. I can't leave, because I can't drive...
At least it's a relief when i finally wake up I guess. But my husband still has to remind me that it won't happen.

About having kids, you may be surprised to find them unfamiliar in a good way if you have one. I find unsocialized NT kids are more creature like, especially babies. My husband and I thought of our son as a little hedgehog and daughter as kind of like a squirrel when they were born. And so, it was fun to carry such pure little creatures in my belly. Now that they are older, their dad helps me to keep them protected from the most traumatizing parts of the social world. They are less like critters, very humanly capable and outgoing...I've found them to be the friends I always wanted. And they're still a bit fuzzy. But I have no idea what your road in life looks like or where it goes. Just thought I'd share.

Thanks for that. It was lovely to read.
I agree that kid behaviour has a lot to do with parents and the upbringing.
My main issue is the actual physiological part during pregnancy, and the re-living of my childhood as they grow...and I'd rather forget.
I feel like if i decided to have one I'd wind up with quintuplets knowing my luck...and get the pregnancy rash... mastitis... pnd ... hysterectomy... you know all the worse case scenarios.... besides, mentally i don't feel old enough to have kids as i still feel like one myself.
I actually get along with kids and i find they like me. I love buying presents for kids i know and have been told I'm the best present buyer! I'll take it!

 

[Streetwise]

@StableSable