After 67 years, I’m just now figuring out my life – and, I couldn’t be happier about it!
I Self-diagnosed myself with ASD about last April - May 2019 after studying autism. This is profoundly revealing and demystifying. It’s a total revelation.
All my life has been fraught with depressing difficulty. I never fit in. I had trouble in school, work, with friends and family. I was (am) terrified of children – even when I was a child. I never knew why I was so different. I just always considered that I was a totally defective person. Almost always depressed - riding the edge of suicide. Life is simply no fun, no value when feeling defective.
Then in April 2019 I stumbled across a news report of Greta Thunberg making a speech about climate change. In her speech, she mentioned that she was autistic. What?? I always thought that autism was a seriously disabling mental condition. She did not seem disabled. In fact, she said that her autism was her superpower. Really?? That prompted me to do some research on autism. Then I learned that autism is on a spectrum with a wide range of symptoms – not all are disabling; some are even empowering. I watched some YouTube videos and began to recognize a lot of my life experiences. So much of it was an exact fit with my life. The mysteries of my life started dissipating. I started seeing why I had so many difficulties, why I was so afraid of people, why I was so self-conscious and overwhelmed with anxiety at any social event and why I had so much trouble in school and so many more mysteries answered. That’s when it hit me; I am autistic! It may seem strange, but I am very happy about that realization. The depressing mysteries of my life are now answered. Now I understand. There is a reason for all my difficulties - and successes.
I now understand that everyone is blind to something. I don’t mean visually, but that there are so many aspects of life that are not perceived and I don’t just mean for autistics, even NT’s are blind to many things and many of those things’ autistics can see clearly, but, generally, people are not aware of their blindness. For example; if someone is born visually blind, they would never know they were blind until they learned that other people can see – that vision is even a thing. I did not know I was blind to nonverbal body language until studying about autism. I also did not know that I was blind to my own nonverbal body language, facial expressions and verbal tones. I was completely unaware that that was not automatic to my feelings, nor that it was automatic for NT people. I didn’t even know that that was a thing. Now that I know that, I understand why having a conversation with almost anyone was dangerously subject to inflicting anger and I never had any clue why. I have had a lifetime of confusion and mystery as to why this so routinely happens.
The movie, “Hitch” has a line that may or may not be truly accurate, but it fits my life experiences precisely. In the movie, Hitch is a dating coach. In one scene, Hitch is explaining human interaction to a client. He explains,
“Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”
My problem is that my ninety percent communication is uncontrolled. I am oblivious to everything except for that ten percent verbal communication. Now I realize that ninety percent of my communication was totally inappropriate to what I’m saying. Now I know that NT’s gets that ninety percent expression, body language and tone that I am completely oblivious (blind) to.
Now I think I understand small talk. At a social gathering I am always dismayed when a few people are gathered together- all talking at once and no one saying anything. There is no discernible information from any of them. Now I understand it is that ninety percent - all the expressions, body language and tones that is the communication and why I can’t get it and why it is too overwhelming for me.
I have had three pivotal moments in my life – the kind that results in a very different life between the before and the after. The first was becoming a type-1 diabetic. The second was marrying my wife and now the third is the discovery that I am autistic. It should be noted that all three of the pivotal moments resulted in a profoundly better life on the after side – yes, even the type-1 diabetes.
Note the smile in my avatar. My wife taught me how to do that.
I Self-diagnosed myself with ASD about last April - May 2019 after studying autism. This is profoundly revealing and demystifying. It’s a total revelation.
All my life has been fraught with depressing difficulty. I never fit in. I had trouble in school, work, with friends and family. I was (am) terrified of children – even when I was a child. I never knew why I was so different. I just always considered that I was a totally defective person. Almost always depressed - riding the edge of suicide. Life is simply no fun, no value when feeling defective.
Then in April 2019 I stumbled across a news report of Greta Thunberg making a speech about climate change. In her speech, she mentioned that she was autistic. What?? I always thought that autism was a seriously disabling mental condition. She did not seem disabled. In fact, she said that her autism was her superpower. Really?? That prompted me to do some research on autism. Then I learned that autism is on a spectrum with a wide range of symptoms – not all are disabling; some are even empowering. I watched some YouTube videos and began to recognize a lot of my life experiences. So much of it was an exact fit with my life. The mysteries of my life started dissipating. I started seeing why I had so many difficulties, why I was so afraid of people, why I was so self-conscious and overwhelmed with anxiety at any social event and why I had so much trouble in school and so many more mysteries answered. That’s when it hit me; I am autistic! It may seem strange, but I am very happy about that realization. The depressing mysteries of my life are now answered. Now I understand. There is a reason for all my difficulties - and successes.
I now understand that everyone is blind to something. I don’t mean visually, but that there are so many aspects of life that are not perceived and I don’t just mean for autistics, even NT’s are blind to many things and many of those things’ autistics can see clearly, but, generally, people are not aware of their blindness. For example; if someone is born visually blind, they would never know they were blind until they learned that other people can see – that vision is even a thing. I did not know I was blind to nonverbal body language until studying about autism. I also did not know that I was blind to my own nonverbal body language, facial expressions and verbal tones. I was completely unaware that that was not automatic to my feelings, nor that it was automatic for NT people. I didn’t even know that that was a thing. Now that I know that, I understand why having a conversation with almost anyone was dangerously subject to inflicting anger and I never had any clue why. I have had a lifetime of confusion and mystery as to why this so routinely happens.
The movie, “Hitch” has a line that may or may not be truly accurate, but it fits my life experiences precisely. In the movie, Hitch is a dating coach. In one scene, Hitch is explaining human interaction to a client. He explains,
“Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”
My problem is that my ninety percent communication is uncontrolled. I am oblivious to everything except for that ten percent verbal communication. Now I realize that ninety percent of my communication was totally inappropriate to what I’m saying. Now I know that NT’s gets that ninety percent expression, body language and tone that I am completely oblivious (blind) to.
Now I think I understand small talk. At a social gathering I am always dismayed when a few people are gathered together- all talking at once and no one saying anything. There is no discernible information from any of them. Now I understand it is that ninety percent - all the expressions, body language and tones that is the communication and why I can’t get it and why it is too overwhelming for me.
I have had three pivotal moments in my life – the kind that results in a very different life between the before and the after. The first was becoming a type-1 diabetic. The second was marrying my wife and now the third is the discovery that I am autistic. It should be noted that all three of the pivotal moments resulted in a profoundly better life on the after side – yes, even the type-1 diabetes.
Note the smile in my avatar. My wife taught me how to do that.
