Advice?

[Kayla Joanne]

My boyfriend has AS and I would like to know what I can do to make our relationship less stressed... We are both eighteen, he has been through some traumatic experiences and suffers emotional abuse from his mother and grandmother (whom he lives with) and is manic depressive with ADHD... He is on medication for the ADHD and manic depressive disorder. But therapy has proven useless, and I want to learn as much as I can so i can help him. He is still in school (graduating this year), so he can't move out of his moms house. His mother is an alcoholic and she is very cruel when she's drinking... How do I help him? Other than just listening and giving advice... I'm trying to get him to my house this weekend for a fun couple days, and I want to make sure he's okay when I'm not able to talk to him. What can I do? I've been reading up on AS and ASD as well.

 

[wyverary]

However much you care about him, these are some incredibly difficult issues to grapple with. As young as you are (and even if you weren't), there is only so much help you can provide in this situation. The best you can do is simply to be there for him. Learning about his conditions is an excellent start, and may help you to better understand where he is coming from... But it is an incredibly difficult situation, and I will be blunt--the best tool to have, in your position, is empathy. Maybe getting him out of the house for a few days at a time will not only show him that you care, it will give him some respite from what sounds like a hellishly dysfunctional home life: one that is likely to make things continuously worse for him. Is there a chance that he will be able to move out one he graduates? You may be able to help him in that regard, at least, helping him to find a place to stay.

Just come to terms with the fact that there is only so much you can do. It may prove to be an overwhelming burden, and you have to ask yourself if you are ready for it.

Good luck... And welcome to the forums!

 

[Kayla Joanne]

Thank you for first, being straightforward. And after I graduate (I got held back so I'm only in 11th grade) I'll be in college and hopefully he looks for some employment and he can move in with me. Since his mom is not exactly nice, she's been withholding his birth certificate and social security card ( I know it's illegal I'm working on that) so I'm hoping he can get at least two weekends a month out of her house, if not every weekend. Since I've been with him for nine months, I'm learning how to make this situation led stressful for him, I appreciate your advice thank you again

 

[Cali Cat]

For six years I had a boyfriend with both Asperger's Syndrome and manic depressive disorder. That is a very difficult combination, I know. The best thing you can do is read everything you can on both AS and bipolar disorder, and in his case ADHD. At least you'll have a good background in what makes him tick. There's not much you can do about his situation, and I would advise against following any feelings you may have to try and "save" him from his circumstances. You can assist, but please don't try to shoulder his burdens for him. Do you know what kind of therapy he is getting? There's a workbook called Dialectic Behavioral Therapy that you can purchase and possibly use some of the techniques to help your bf learn how to cope with his issues. This particular therapy has helped people who haven't had success with other types of therapy. It is a process though, and he has to be committed to practicing the techniques. You might want to check into therapists in your area to see if any of them are familiar with DBT therapy, and whether your bf could see them for counseling. Also, if he's 18, he can get a copy of his own birth certificate and social security number without his mother being involved. Just write to the county in which he was born, or if you live there, go to the county office. They will require he fill out a form and pay a fee for the birth certificate. For the SSN card, go to the Social Security office in your area, fill out the forms and follow the instructions. There may be a fee required for this too. Hope this helps.

 

[Cecile]

With all that he has to deal with, I really would think twice before discarding therapy altogether. The specific therapist he was seeing may not be the most suitable, though. (Where I live, the great majority of psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc. don't know much about adult autism. I can't imagine they would be very useful to aspies, or even to NTs discussing their NT-AS relationships with them. ) I really strongly agree with the replies you have been getting about being realistic, not crossing the line between being supportive/trying to save him. If it were me, I would by all means look into available resources that have a true knowledge of adult autism.

In my experience (as the NT), an NT/AS relationship is by default subjected to more stress, as partners have a different way of feeling, communicating and experiencing, and this easily leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, frustration for both. Obviously your dedication and willingness to learn, adapt, help are good assets, but don't underestimate the challenges you are facing.

 

[Lukas]

I won't repeat all the above posts and merely state my agreement with them. Although this is a very hard time you both are experiencing... be aware that it is all just temporary and with effort, vision, patience, and compassion, you will both worth through them all. Hang in there and do your best to deal with it all in the mean time.. You are more than welcome to come here and vent or just chat anytime..