Advice on a dating situation

[bajariitz37]

Hey!

I am asking for advice on a dating situation because I don't know what to do. I am a 25 year old male and I have been talking to this girl for a few months now and I have seen her once (she lives in a different city than me so that is why), we are not yet in a relationship but still in the dating/talking stage. I have had a rough couple of weeks with my mental health and I had trouble with a few of my old vices that I struggle with still sometimes (porn and abusing alcohol).

I went to a night club with a few friends of mine and got too drunk (blacked out ) and I danced with another girl, we did not kiss or anything but I had my hands on her waist for like maybe a minute. Now I feel guilt about this even though my friends tell me that I did not dance in a sexual manner with the girl and she left almost as fast as she had come to dance with me, the whole thing lasted for maybe about a minute. I don't know what should I do, should I tell her about it or should I just "tough it up" and move forward in a way that I treat her better in the future. I even just considered breaking it up at this point because this whole thing took me deep in to self-hate spiral and I feel like I only do damage to other people in relationships...

Do any of you have any similar incidents, and how would you act in this situation, which is better towards her, not saying anything about this screw-up and dealing with it internally and being better towards her in the future or telling her about it at some point? I don't know if telling her is kind of a selfish thing to just to "get it off my chest", because after this night I kind of hit rock bottom mentally and became to a turning point for the better. My friends said that "nothing really happened and you are overreacting", but I don't know.

Sorry for the language, I am not a native English speaker.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Do you want the brutally-unpopular opinion of the day? If I were in that situation and I wanted the relationship to last, I would say nothing about it and get some help so it doesn't happen again. If I didn't want the relationship to last, I'd tell her everything and admit that I'm not in a position to date.

Alcohol almost destroyed my marriage way too many times because I waited too long to do anything about it. Those problems fester over time, just saying.

 

[bajariitz37]

Do you want the brutally-unpopular opinion of the day? If I were in that situation and I wanted the relationship to last, I would say nothing about it and get some help so it doesn't happen again. If I didn't want the relationship to last, I'd tell her everything and admit that I'm not in a position to date.

Alcohol almost destroyed my marriage way too many times because I waited too long to do anything about it. Those problems fester over time, just saying.

Hey!
Thanks a lot for the reply, I really appreciate it. I am thinking in a very same way about this in my own head as you wrote. I don't want to hide this from her because I am selfish or "I don't want to get in trouble ", it is more like which one is actually best for her.

Yeah these issues have been festering for me for quite some time and I was already doing pretty well in getting off these bad habits because they have done a lot of damage for me but I relapsed.

 

[Raggamuffin]

The guilt sounds artificial to me. You didn't kiss the person you danced with, and there's a lot of "dancing" out there which is a lot more sexualised than what you described. You're overthinking it in my opinion.

Self-hate spirals and blaming yourself for damaging relationships, along with going to old vices when you have rough patches - this all indicates maybe being single and working towards a healthier/happier self is required before dating.

Otherwise, your problems end up being absorbed by the person you're dating. Your anxiety or depression will rub off on those you date.

Ed

 

[Jordy]

If your feelings are telling you that shouldn't have done that than you most likely shouldn't have, learn from it and don't do it again.

 

[bajariitz37]

Thanks for the replys guys, helped me a lot.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You are overthinking things. What you did to overuse alcohol is far worse than dancing with another woman. Would you have a problem if your girl danced with another man? Get over that hangup. I have been to a polkafest and danced with any woman that wanted and my spouse has no problem with that (she was too tired). Affection is not a zero sum game and platonic relationships when your spouse has trust are normal.

 

[bajariitz37]

You are overthinking things. What you did to overuse alcohol is far worse than dancing with another woman. Would you have a problem if your girl danced with another man? Get over that hangup. I have been to a polkafest and danced with any woman that wanted and my spouse has no problem with that (she was too tired). Affection is not a zero sum game and platonic relationships when your spouse has trust are normal.

Thanks for the reply, great advice.

 

[Lysholm]

The guilt sounds artificial to me.

+1 on this.

IMO the guilt for touching this other person serves either:
1 - downplaying the seriousness of getting blackout drunk by focusing elsewhere
2 - making the current relationship feelz more real/serious via excess accountability

I wouldn't mention dancing with anyone simply because it invites drama where there was no intent. The real problem here is drinking too much and doing stuff you later regret. (Not judging, though - I've never enjoyed alcohol so I don't know what it's like to need it or whatever.)

 

[bajariitz37]

+1 on this.

IMO the guilt for touching this other person serves either:
1 - downplaying the seriousness of getting blackout drunk by focusing elsewhere
2 - making the current relationship feelz more real/serious via excess accountability

I wouldn't mention dancing with anyone simply because it invites drama where there was no intent. The real problem here is drinking too much and doing stuff you later regret. (Not judging, though - I've never enjoyed alcohol so I don't know what it's like to need it or whatever.)

Yep, this is what my friend said also about this. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Tom]

No, thats nothing to bring up. You didn't do anything wrong dancing. Now the drinking and porn is another thing. If they have become addictions those are problems you have to deal with. Both can be relationship killers.

 

[rse92]

Nothing really happened and you are overreacting.