Advice for first date?

[NicolePfisher]

So I have been using a social media/dating app to try and meet new people. I've been lonely, I don't have a lot of dating experience but just want to try putting myself out there.

So long story short, this guy and I have been DM-ing each other back and forth. I was kind of hoping I'd be a week at least before he asked for the first date, but such was not the case. But I'm okay with this since I'd like to meet him too.

He asks me at one point what sort of things I like to do for a first date and I reply, letting him know that I have no preference given my history with dating. I figure he'll pick something easy, something nice and inexpensive, like coffee--hopefully nothing like noisy, disorienting bowling. After all I think, how popular is bowling?

Nope! First thing he suggests is bowling.

I feel like a dork for wanting to come here and ask for help, but I just really don't know how to tell this guy that I don't want to go bowling. I'm afraid of having to explain my situation with bowling and how much it would suck as a first date (maybe like on the 3rd or 4th, when I feel more comfortable around him, I'd be fine since I'd have someone familiar around me.) I'm afraid of looking like a fuss pot and making him loose interest. I've been on enough first dates as it is where all interest in me seems to be lost within that first hour. It once took me several months of being 'ghosted' over text messages to figure out that the guy was not interested in talking to me, even as a friend.

I did put on my profile "aspie". Idk if he read it at all or even bothered to ask himself what it meant.

What should I do?

 

[Judge]

"To thine own self be true". For most of us on the spectrum we can't ignore our sensory issues.

Though you might consider mentioning them without necessarily going into an explanation involving autism, which admittedly can be complex and overwhelming if discussed at the outset of any potential relationship.

 

[the_tortoise]

Tell him you don't want to go bowling and offer a short explanation why (e.g. "I want to be able to get to know you and there's too much going on in a bowling alley for me to have a conversation"). Suggest another activity you do want to do.

If he's going to think you're a fuss-pot when he finds out that certain environments overwhelm you I don't think waiting to tell him later would change this fact. I know there are benefits to easing into things, not telling a person everything about you all at once, letting them see the good before sharing things they might react badly to so they have a balanced perspective and are less likely to misinterpret you.....but if you have to actively work to hide stuff that's maybe not a good start.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I agree with Judge. I wouldn't consider a bowling alley the proper place for a first date anyway. It has the earmarks of a fun activity - taking turns, laughing at gutter balls, cheering the strike, and you are around lots of other people. The downside is that you can't have a proper conversation because of all the activity and noise. If you live in a city, meet for coffee and take a walk through an interesting commercial neighborhood where the shops are open late. Plan to stop somewhere at a restaurant or cafe that looks good to you both. There is nothing wrong with saying that you don't like the atmosphere of a bowling alley, because you don't. Any venue where you can actually talk to one another is going to be best. The classic dinner date works well for most people. Be yourself and enjoy getting to know this person. The less distraction the better.

 

[Tom]

And you worry about being a dork. Who asks someone out bowling on a first date? Seriously, just be honest. Say no to bowling. It might help for you to come back with alternate suggestion then.

 

[Lady Lucifer]

I'm afraid of having to explain my situation with bowling and how much it would suck as a first date (maybe like on the 3rd or 4th, when I feel more comfortable around him, I'd be fine since I'd have someone familiar around me.) I'm afraid of looking like a fuss pot and making him loose interest.

Here's what you do, tell him that you're not intrested in bowling and bring up a different activity instead (movies, park, etc) that way he knows your still intrested in him.

I did put on my profile "aspie". Idk if he read it at all or even bothered to ask himself what it meant.

I wouldn't suggest anyone to put a disability on their profile, just becuase some people can be ignorant about this and may feel a bit uncomfortable. You can bring this up once your exclusively dating or if he points it out, when your on a date. But what I've learned from the world of online dating is disabilities are a turn off to most people. (Though I'll poke around to see if there is a site for disabled or aspie dating sites and let you know what I find)

 

[Cactus]

Dating is so hard. I love being married.

 

[Butterfly88]

You could just say you don't like bowling, no one likes every kind of date and that's okay.

 

[OkRad]

Dating is so hard. I love being married.

Where is the green with envy button? Hahaha. J/k

 

[DCA]

I'm working on the marriage thing too... 5 months tomorrow with my current relationship. Fingers crossed...

Yeah, why bowling??? Not something I would choose, & if a prospective date asked if I wanted to go bowling as a first date, I'd be up-front & say that I'm not into that. Yes, there are good ways to bring up that you don't want to bowl without going into the aspie thing. Even NTs can get turned off by noisy places.

Personally my routine is dinner-dinner-movie-ask for a kiss. Not that I have a huge amount of experience, but that's how my last 2 relationships evolved.

 

[Bolletje]

You may have put in your profile that you’re an Aspie, but that doesn’t automatically translate into “doesn’t like to go bowling”. You can’t hold the guy accountable for that.

At the end of the day, he can’t read minds. You’ll have to communicate what you do and do not want. Really don’t want to go bowling? Say so, but do come up with a suggestion of your own.