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adults with autism

Iwren

New Member
Asberger's help and advice on how to help my adult daughter who has now finished college but what now! Any similar stories? My adult daughter, who's now 31, was never officially diagnosed until 2001, because back in the 90's, girls weren't supposed to have autism!- thanks to idiot doctors. Anna is now in her last year of college, but struggling.
Any similar stories?
 
Hello and welcome.

I understand. Born in 1980 and painfully passive placater, so autism was never a consideration!

Do you think your daughter may want to join the forum and hang out with us?
 
Well, I do know I misspelled Aspergers!
Just an FYI, you can edit your own post if you want to:
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Search our sizable archives to gain insight, then jump in on any conversations related to your request.
No matter how old they are, I'm sure you will still gain advice or learn from other active members as they check in.
 
Do you think your daughter may want to join the forum and hang out with us?
I think this is a great suggestion! Maybe we can chat to her about college too, my final year was challenging to say the least. But I made it through in the end! :)
 
At this point, you may not know what you do not know. To be specific, my recommendation would be to learn about "adult, female, Asperger's". Learn about the genetics, anatomy, and physiology (medical model) as well as the psychological and psychiatric effects. There are helpful videos and lectures on YouTube made by adult, female autistics. PubMed, Google Scholar, Medline, etc will also have scientific research papers.
 
Hello & welcome.
My adult daughter, who's now 31, was never officially diagnosed until 2001, because back in the 90's, girls weren't supposed to have autism!
If my math is correct, that means that she was diagnosed at age 9 or 10. That is not very late.
Many ASD1s here did not get diagnosed until we were in our 40s & 50s.
 
I've had a diagnosis since age 4, female similar time frame. I didn't find out until I was in college. I have a significant education, but I work at a bookshop by choice. Books are something I've always loved. People I can deal with when I'm on the clock, but once I get home, I'm usually done for the day.

Something to be conscious of...transitioning from being a student to joining the real world can be tough for most people, not just ASDers. A lot of that has to do with the loss of structure and requirements (e.g. homework, projects, etc...).

As we have zero context as to what 'struggling' in this case pertains (specifics of the situation), it can be like comparing marbles to meatloaf.

The biggest thing that can help is establishing a bit of structure. Be it chores, a job, a pet, running errands, or volunteering. Have an animal lover consider volunteering for a local humane society. Looking into hobby forums to promote active engagement in interests and activities. Take a cooking class or consider a non-requisite college course that sounds interesting. Join a gym. Find something to help ground and structure time.

Establishing new patterns and rhythms is one of the toughest things to do.

I worked full time all the way through school so not having a majority of my time scheduled to the nth degree has been a bit of a relief.

I keep my hand in the writing game by critiquing and proofreading online in my down time, but my own schedule revolves around my pets (two dogs and a cat).

Other factors to consider, living situations. I have been independent since college, (I love my family, but I cannot live with them.)

There is a huge difference between living alone and living with others. Introverts tend to do all right with their own company, but extroverts can really struggle without the daily social interactions of college. Moving home can be a shock to the system after college, as can finding an independent living situation. These are all potential changes that can compound stress, anxiety, and depression. (80% of ASDers have an anxiety disorder and 66% deal with diagnosable depression.)

Something you should do first and foremost. Have an honest conversation with your daughter. Ask her about what she wants to do. Don't offer suggestions on how to fix things, just listen. Sometimes just voicing a source of anxiety or fear can help reduce it. A lot of the time it can help establish a rough draft of a plan on what next...

What truly matters is that she knows she has a support system in place should she need it. Ask ASDers, a huge number of us carry a ridiculous amount of anxiety and guilt over the mere potential of disappointing our loved ones. Even small mistakes can seem like catastrophic failures.
 
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Asberger's help and advice on how to help my adult daughter who has now finished college but what now! Any similar stories? My adult daughter, who's now 31, was never officially diagnosed until 2001, because back in the 90's, girls weren't supposed to have autism!- thanks to idiot doctors. Anna is now in her last year of college, but struggling.
Any similar stories?
It often doesn't show up in women the same as in men. Women on average are better at masking than men. Women typically have better baseline social skills than men, so a deficit here doesn't look as significant as in a guy. Consequently, it doesn't get diagnosed as much as it should.

This book might be useful:


This might be useful too:

 
Welcome. I second Rodafina's invitation that perhaps your daughter may wish to join the community here herself?

I can't speak for others, but I find it's a lot easier for me to retain things when I'm learning or hearing of stories myself, rather than through others.

Additionally, "challenges" is very open-ended, and so rather than us trying to speculate and try to provide suggestions and stories, it may be much easier for her to peruse the myriad experiences shared here and see what she relates to.

BTW, in the 1990s, most doctors weren't familiar with ASD at all and often had incorrect assumptions about it, regardless of how it often presents differently. Even now, some individuals seeking a potential diagnosis get stonewalled by older doctors who aren't interested in learning more about the spectrum.
 
Yes, I had it dreadful from childhood to teen, to adult and only got diagnosed when I hit 49.

I succeeded in going to college at 22 and it was a nightmare for me.

I prefer to work, rather than stopping to associate.
 
Thanks for texting, my daughter is 31 and is graduating this year. I haven't dared ask her if she would like to join,

or even has joined. I think I'll work up my nerve, so thanks for asking.
 
@Iwren

There don't seem to be any classes or even standard approaches for "learning to live as HFA".

I have a personal view of it though:

IMO NT's and young Aspies don't, and cannot, easily understand the nature or scale of the communication gap between NT's and ND's.
Yet "every" ASD masks, and masking is about mitigating the effects of the communications/interaction gap.

Aspies are no more inclined to listen to advice about this kind of thing than NT's are, so i doubt you can use this, but ...
... for me, they key to learning to get along in an NT dominated world was to start actively working on understanding the gap, and developing techniques to consciously bridge it. It's a big job - think of it as a "continuous improvement process" rather than a solution - but it worked reasonably for me.

Note that is not the same as commonly used techniques like "mirroring", which (AFAIK) are picked up unconsciously, and relatively young. An adult can do better if they're prepared to "grasp the nettle".

I sometimes wish the medical profession would stop playing around and look at doing something helpful for us.
Like a (voluntary) class for young adult and adult ASDs on "how to act normal".
 
Asperger's help and advice on how to help my adult daughter who has now finished college but what now! Any similar stories? My adult daughter, who's now 31, was never officially diagnosed until 2001, because back in the 90's, girls weren't supposed to have autism!- thanks to idiot doctors. Anna is now in her last year of college, but struggling.
Any similar stories?
Struggling? How so?

Just to make it to her last year should reflect a great deal of hope and confidence towards the next step- entering the workforce. Unless of course you are implying that she isn't doing well scholastically in what would logically be considered her last year of college.

Admittedly that last year seemed daunting for me. When I realized I had to not only pass all my courses, but excel in them if possible. Sure, it can reflect a lot of pressure. But then go back and consider how far she has come.
 
haven't dared ask her if she would like to join,
Any reason why? Do you think she would be offended or something?

or even has joined. I think I'll work up my nerve, so thanks for asking.
I hope you do. There’s all kinds of things here – fun and lighthearted games, serious conversations about ASD challenges, and sometimes just sharing random likes and dislikes… Recently there was a long conversation about yogurt among some of us. A bunch of us like to share photos of our pets or projects that we have made.

It can be a fun and positive place.
 
@Iwren

There don't seem to be any classes or even standard approaches for "learning to live as HFA".

I have a personal view of it though:

IMO NT's and young Aspies don't, and cannot, easily understand the nature or scale of the communication gap between NT's and ND's.
Yet "every" ASD masks, and masking is about mitigating the effects of the communications/interaction gap.

Aspies are no more inclined to listen to advice about this kind of thing than NT's are, so i doubt you can use this, but ...
... for me, they key to learning to get along in an NT dominated world was to start actively working on understanding the gap, and developing techniques to consciously bridge it. It's a big job - think of it as a "continuous improvement process" rather than a solution - but it worked reasonably for me.

Note that is not the same as commonly used techniques like "mirroring", which (AFAIK) are picked up unconsciously, and relatively young. An adult can do better if they're prepared to "grasp the nettle".

I sometimes wish the medical profession would stop playing around and look at doing something helpful for us.
Like a (voluntary) class for young adult and adult ASDs on "how to act normal".
You are quite right. The young aspie usually won't do this nor will they even accept that it is a thing that ought to be done. Bridging that gap requires a level of acceptance of who you are and how the NT world works. Bridging implies the people on the other end of the bridge are worthy of interacting with.

Youngsters (LOL!) are too invested in their feelings to just "let it go." Especially those on the spectrum - who usually have damaged egos. Stuff matters more than it ought to. Hormones rage. And sometimes they get stuck dealing with people who have their own massive problems that get taken out on the autistic kid. Hating those people won't help.

I wouldn't call it a class for "acting normal." It would be about changing how you interact with the world without pretending to be someone you aren't.
 

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