Accidental (?) Ableism in Relationships

[Amaranthine]

How do others deal with that intensely isolating, lonely and infantalizing feeling that comes with romantic partners seeing you as lesser? They don't have ill will, they think they're looking out for you and yet behind your back they're making assumptions about you about who you are, what your life is like and what you're capable of without giving you the agency to make those decisions for yourself.

Context: I am a 26 year old woman on the spectrum who has spent the last ~10 months in a relationship with someone (neurotypical) who I thought was seeing me as a person first. In a conversation about how one aspect of the relationship needed to be worked on, which on its own is fine, it came to light that he has been making assumptions about what I'm like and what I can handle based on my autism. I don't think he meant poorly or realized how damaging that would be, but now I'm feeling like the entire relationship up to this point has been based on a lie, some fantasy I made up in my head where I was being seen as an equal without all the nonsensical assumptions, and I have utterly no clue how to process the situation from here.

I don't want to give up on things, but I also don't know how to get past the feeling that everything so far has been based on a lie or be able to trust that these assumptions aren't happening around every corner now. It's only been a couple days since this came to light and I'm taking some time to get my thoughts together, but right now it just... kind of feels hopeless.

 

[AprilR]

Hugs. I know that feeling even though it was my friends who made me feel that way, not my partner. I am scared of getting into a relationship because of this, bc i know they will never see me as who i am but as a weak person they should protect. I am so sorry this happened. You are the person who knows yourself best, you are not someone else's assumption about you.

 

[Crossbreed]

If you have an autism-competent counselor, see if s/he will bring him up to speed.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

romantic partners seeing you as lesser

That seems like a set up for a controlling, toxic relationship,...and best avoided.

 

[Tom]

Silliness aside, I totally get what you are saying, having had it occur in a stage of my marriage.

It was a difficult period but we made it thru.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Luckily I have avoided that. I think good communication is the key and you need to communicate with your partner. Discussing those unspoken assumptions is a good place to start as long as both of you listen to each other. We, who are married to NTs, have had to deal with such and sometimes is is far more work than any social interaction.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Being on The same wavelength as, my NT wife can be a challenge at times. Her way of thinking, really varies from mine. 42 years of marriage, helps us work through the mine field.

 

[Alexej]

If you have an autism-competent counselor, see if s/he will bring him up to speed.

Your reply raised the theoretical question with me as how this would work. My question comes from the perspective that if you have met one aspie you have met one aspie. So what the counsellor could offer is general insight and info, but I get the sense that something more attuned to @Amaranthine would be more helpful.


If I am sidetracking the thread please forgive me, and ignore this post.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Keep in mind every NT has diversity in their population, just like we do, so it's like two people speaking different languages, either a translator is needed or one or the other learns the others language.

My older brother who rarely spoke to any body was a real loner and one of my younger brother's and myself three of us being Aspies had no issue conversing with each other, the older and younger would speak for hours.

 

[Amaranthine]

That seems like a set up for a controlling, toxic relationship,...and best avoided.

I've done the controlling and toxic thing and this has been the polar opposite, in my experience. This feeling came out when he referenced "my autism" in reference to why he was acting and feeling differently about something than he previously had. Instead of having a talk with me about my thoughts and limitations in which I could decide for myself where my lines were, he had been making assumptions and working off of those instead. It's not good to make assumptions about people and what they're capable of in general, and earlier in the same talk he had acknowledged that, but I don't think he realized the extra layer of hurt and, honestly, betrayal that came from tying those assumptions back to being on the spectrum.

Silliness aside, I totally get what you are saying, having had it occur in a stage of my marriage.

It was a difficult period but we made it thru.

How? At least when it first came to light, how were you able to feel like you could trust them again? Right now it feels like I won't be able to stop having that feeling creeping in the back of my mind that the behavior hasn't stopped.

I know that everyone is different and every relationship is distant but I'm struggling with that very early on feeling of "I thought you were someone I could trust not to do this to me". Realistically I know that emotions are temporary which is why I'm taking the time to process and decide how to move forward instead of making rash decisions, but I just don't know where to start.

 

[Tom]

You are very right. Although some basic ideas are common, there are many elements and details unique to each partner pair. So when I was thinking about it, I was quickly at a point of 'This is complicated. How do I summarize it?'

There was a long process. First was making sure we could converse constructive. Second was a long series of conversations over time, trying to get to the honest bottom of things as far as who and what we are. It was important to reinstate equality but also define and recognize our weaknesses and strengths and both allow and make the most of them.

For instance in most, even mundane circumstances I do not think well/fast on my feet. My brain can lock up over the simplest things if there is an unexpected hitch ('They don't have Vanilla!') She does process fast. So in most cases where decisions are needed now, I will defer to her. On the other hand when there is time we will both think about it and share are thoughts but she recognizes I often come up with a more thought out long term solution. Interestingly, when it is a emergency/crazy sort of situation her brain tends to lock up and mine slips into a previously hidden gear and can think and act very fast and with clarity.

 

[Crossbreed]

My question comes from the perspective that if you have met one aspie you have met one aspie.

We have certain tendencies or we would not have a definable condition.

...either a translator is needed or one or the other learns the others language.

Preferably, both.

Competent counselors are good translators for us.
Others will expect us to embrace some NT-standard resolution.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Now both of us being retired, can be challenging, being on the same wave length, we are learning each other's quirks hers are are typical of most NT's, Mine really confuse her some times but make perfect sense. once we discuss and sort it out. Sex differences some times confound or add a third variable.

 

[Au Naturel]

Behave as an equal. If he can't deal with it, he isn't the guy for you. Some people look for a partner to take care of. Some people have stereotypes of what an autistic person is like. Counseling is a good thing but not everything works out.

 

[Aspychata]

Guess you might feel crushed and defeated right now. Like you were reading a great storyline, then the whole story up and went down a different path, and l guess you even feel confusion, like l dunno but how did this happen?

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Hello @Amaranthine

The way you and many posters are adressing the situation is probably very good to vent and feel understood, but probably not the best to find a solution. I will look the issue from a different perspective. It may help you or not, I hope it will help to expand your black and white thinking.

So when you see yourself as a victim (of ableism, of been looked down, of not being asked, ...) you are doing some colateral things:

1- Firstly you are automatically putting the other person as the "bad guy of the movie", the one who did wrong, the one that should change, the responsible. Sadly you can not controll the behavour of that person, just yours.

2- Secondly, as a poor victim you have nothing to change on yourself. Nothing to learn of the sittuation. And that is very convenient, since your behavour its the only one you can change. So by being a victim you automatically dont need to change nothing of yourself and are free to just vent about the other person.

So as this very convenient way of adressing the question is not going to actually solve it, Im going to put yourself as the bad person. Lets see if this helps you see things from another perspective.

When you expect and assume that a NT person should stop doing assumtions you are ignoring how are NT brains wired. They cant stop doing fast and innacurate assumtions because thats how they are wired.

When you expect and assume that a NT person should ask instead of assume you are expecting him to behave autistically. We are the ones who ask because or brains need more data and more security on those data to make decissions. He is not an autists. He is NT. And NT do not ask. They assume. And even when you tell them exactly what you think, they will consider what is your body language, your tone, what is normal im society and probably how is the weather like to assume what you think, totally ignoring what you actually just told them. You are doing the same ableism to him, by measuring his behavour from your autist normality.

When you talk generally about how must hurt to be treated like that you are assuming that everybody should feel that kind of hurt, be aware of it and so you assume that he should have been aware of what he was doing to you and how much hurt you was going to feel. Wrong! This is how you do see things, it dont apply to other autists and for sure dont apply to NT or the rest of the world. I can bet he was not aware of how his behavour could be seen by you as treason.

Treason, by the way, is when the person is aware of the rule he is breaking. If that rule/value/very important stuff is just in your head... Its no treason. Its what is called a misunderstanding...

Autists tend to apply their personal logic, values and thinking to the rest of the world to then feel hurt and treasoned when the rest of the world act based on their logic, their values and their thinking.

I can bet this guy loves you and its just doing his best with his limited NT brain. If you cant accept and understand his limitations you migth not ask him to accept and understand yours.

Hope it helps.

 

[paloftoon]

Are there things you can do (or maybe are already doing) where you can be independent of your partner? Especially when its related to survival? Are you working a job or is it feasible to start work on your own somewhere, even if only part time? Doing something like this on your own can show that you can work for yourself and aren't being co-dependent with him. If you accomplish that and that isn't enough, then maybe time to bring up "the talk." If you do cleaning and cooking, then maybe consider a job instead and paying for a cleaner and a cook for at least a few days.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

My husband likes to feel useful and help, while I like to be independent. Over the years, I started letting him do more and more things for me because it was easier than insisting I do them, and I do have chronic health problems. The main skills here would be canoeing and wilderness camping.

But after many years of this, he began to see me as less capable even to the point of being unable to care for myself in the wild. And I was less capable, because I had not been doing these things for myself.

This did create a flash point. And while he has his stuff to work on, my emphasis was on me. I had to start doing things for myself again. I had to work hard to recover my skills.

The ironic thing is that he was originally attracted to me because of my independence and my canoeing/wilderness skills. But in his desire to help me, he undermined that which originally attracted him to me. He is aware of this irony. He is a good person.

The point is that, at least in my life, I need to take responsibility for my own decisions, skills and activities and not let others take over. Notice I said "let", because it does require an active decision on my part to "let" him take over.

Whether you resolve the issue with your current partner or not, there should be something to be learned about how not to let yourself become made "less than" now and in the future.

 

[Aspychata]

In relationships, men always take me as less then until the caca hits the fan, then they are amazed at my ability to navigate most situations thrown at me. My last position installed cameras and realized l was working super hard compared to others and started giving me better positions. So it seems normal to be seen in one way even though we may not see ourselves this way.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

In relationships, men always take me as less then until the caca hits the fan, then they are amazed at my ability to navigate most situations thrown at me. My last position installed cameras and realized l was working super hard compared to others and started giving me better positions. So it seems normal to be seen in one way even though we may not see ourselves this way.

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