Accepting the Diagnosis

[Justin Scarpulla]

I am not sure exactly what section to put this in, but I was just wondering if anybody is thinking similar to me. I am 22, and I got diagnosed with Asperger's at 17. Even though it has been five years since I officially knew that I had some type of neurological issues, and I have been thinking that I have my whole life, I have still not "come to terms" with, or accepted, my diagnosis. I feel like I was born as a person who wouldn't have many opportunities in this world, and I genuinely don't think that it is worth the effort to do things that neurotypicals do, especially since I won't end up doing them as well as the neurotypicals anyway. These things include dating (or even finding friend relationships), socializing, finding & holding a job, getting a degree/certificate through education, among many more. I just don't find that its worth the effort for somebody born to fail at these things, and thus I have ended up giving up on almost all of them. I feel worthless, like I was a fluke in the system, a genetically impaired human who shouldn't even be alive, and I have been suicidal ever since I was diagnosed at 17. I am not asking for any advice or help, because I don't think this is something that can be fixed (at least for me), I am just wondering if anybody has felt like I have before; that they just can't accept their diagnosis, no matter how hard they try, and that their life is just doomed for failure simply for being born like this.

 

[Finder]

You are not doomed to failure. Yes, life is more complex because of your ASD, but knowing more about how you see the world will help you to succeed. As far a doomed relationships, I have been happily married for over 25 years (and so has my wife ). I was also diagnosed with autism this year. My wife is very supportive as well. Jobs are hard, but you simply need to find a supportive environment. My ASD diagnosis has actually helped me understand the environment I need to survive.

I think you should look at this site. I found it very illuminating: Acceptance as a Well Being Practice

PS: I was a horrible student, but I have learnt to compensate and received a Masters degree a couple of years ago. There are always solutions, although most are not obvious.

 

[Justin Scarpulla]

You are not doomed to failure. Yes, life is more complex because of your ASD, but knowing more about how you see the world will help you to succeed. As far a doomed relationships, I have been happily married for over 25 years (and so has my wife ). I was also diagnosed with autism this year. My wife is very supportive as well. Jobs are hard, but you simply need to find a supportive environment. My ASD diagnosis has actually helped me understand the environment I need to survive.

I think you should look at this site. I found it very illuminating: Acceptance as a Well Being Practice

PS: I was a horrible student, but I have learnt to compensate and received a Masters degree a couple of years ago. There are always solutions, although most are not obvious.

Glad that worked out for you.

 

[Finder]

Glad that worked out for you.

I'm sorry, did I offended you? I was trying to encourage you, but maybe you are looking for a different response. Many of us here have had struggles, including suicidal thoughts. We have faced many of the difficulties you describe. Your story is not that unusual. We can certainly sympathize with your situation.

 

[Justin Scarpulla]

Nah it wasn't you , I just got salty/jealous , sorry for taking it out on you.

 

[Au Naturel]

I never got a diagnosis. When I was young, such diagnoses did not exist. It was all considered to be due to bad choices. "You could be better if you wanted to - you just don't want to" is what they said. That's a kick in the ass. I really wish I had got a diagnosis. There is power in an accurate diagnosis. It gives you an explanation and a path forward.

It took me until I was 30 to get a decent job and find a mate. And that was just a stroke of luck. If you wait long enough and keep your mind and eyes open, strokes of luck happen more often than if you assume defeat from the start.

Seek out people who share your unique sets of interests. Shared interests are where fun times and friendliness are found, if not actual friendship.

The things you think you need to be happy are not as important as you might think. I'd really recommend therapy (ideally cognitive behavioral therapy) and study the philosophies of Stoicism and Zen. If you have "quirks," (like me) seek out environments where you can legally (or at least safely) let them come out to play. You may need antidepressants until you get your head straight. Therapy helped me early on and Prozac helped me later on.

Do not expect NTs to understand or make allowances. They won't.

No, it can't be fixed. It can be worked on over time. It gets easier as you get older. You can learn what comes to others without thinking.

 

[Suzanne]

From the point of view of having a late diagnosis, I can tell you, that I wish I had been formally diagnosed as a child, because it would have helped me to understand myself more. But, instead, I went through my life confused and frightened and alienated; just stumbling through situations and feeling very lonely, as I saw girls my age, laughing together and I could not do the same thing.

However, when I did get my diagnosis, I went though a sense of panic. "There is no turning back. I have a confirmation that I am not normal; I can't pretend now", but that did not last long, because there are benefits coming my way. Also, because I am formally diagnosed, I am stronger in voicing discomfort.

When I go on zoom for spiritual meetings ( my faith), spiritual brothers and sisters only see a picture of something I like and not me and I am never propted to use video and it is accepted that if I want to answer up, I use the yellow hand, which is looked out for.

The country I am residing in, is acknowledging my issues and I am covered medically for 10 years!

I not only accepted it, but embrace it now.

 

[Thinx]

It's good that you have the courage to speak up and say what you feel, and that's showing who you are, despite the blow that your diagnosis was to you. I think I would have reacted similarly if diagnosed, but I grew up in earlier times where we just muddled on, were seen as a bit weird maybe, as are a lot of people for different reasons.

You got diagnosed at a vulnerable age, just as lots of challenges are there for us, on the threshold of adulthood, and it knocked you for 6. But realise, a lot of people in their teens have challenges and lose the plot, it's a tough tough time.

Now, you are older. Life continued, you're here and you're angry and reassessing things. Don't spend time being jealous of us who muddled through, what you can get from that is, people are not actually barred from a decent enough life by this diagnosis. It's part, not all of who you are, and frankly, it's not all bad. Life is challenging for everyone. I expect you look around and see plenty of people living their lives in ways you wouldn't choose to, as well as the ones who are seemingly successful in some ways.

We all have talents and interests, hopes and ideas. You are unique, and have much to offer, as we all do. Einstein wasn't neurotypical, and many of the people throughout history who have done great things weren't either. Have you had any help or therapy? How did it go, if so?

 

[Alexej]

I think you should look at this site. I found it very illuminating: Acceptance as a Well Being Practice

Thank you for the link to the article. I will print it out and read it slowly. I have read more form this author and find her good.

 

[Alexej]

I have still not "come to terms" with, or accepted, my diagnosis.

There is hope and there are possibilities for you. You might have to work harder at them but I was only diagnosed over 60 and have held down a full time job and been married - despite not knowing that ASC was part of who I was. You, at least, have this knowledge so have the chance to adjust your approach to things based on this knowledge.

 

[Aspychata]

l feel l can relate to what you expressed. It seems everything can feel like a struggle. The struggle does become easier if you practice acceptance with yourself and take a step back and realize that a lot of other people suffer with all tupes of barriers they must overcome. In fact, some cultures believe that we must struggle to find enlightment and spiritual freedom. Of course this totally sucks, and l feel l could have struggled way less in my lifetime. So find a passion, some type of reason to move forward in your lifetime perhaps. Anyways, that's what l read on this bag of potato chips l am eating. lol

 

[Gerontius]

I am not sure exactly what section to put this in, but I was just wondering if anybody is thinking similar to me. I am 22, and I got diagnosed with Asperger's at 17. Even though it has been five years since I officially knew that I had some type of neurological issues, and I have been thinking that I have my whole life, I have still not "come to terms" with, or accepted, my diagnosis. I feel like I was born as a person who wouldn't have many opportunities in this world, and I genuinely don't think that it is worth the effort to do things that neurotypicals do, especially since I won't end up doing them as well as the neurotypicals anyway. These things include dating (or even finding friend relationships), socializing, finding & holding a job, getting a degree/certificate through education, among many more. I just don't find that its worth the effort for somebody born to fail at these things, and thus I have ended up giving up on almost all of them. I feel worthless, like I was a fluke in the system, a genetically impaired human who shouldn't even be alive, and I have been suicidal ever since I was diagnosed at 17. I am not asking for any advice or help, because I don't think this is something that can be fixed (at least for me), I am just wondering if anybody has felt like I have before; that they just can't accept their diagnosis, no matter how hard they try, and that their life is just doomed for failure simply for being born like this.

Hello friend. We are about the same age, I think.
The diagnosis does not have to be your ball & chain or your prison cell. It is actually just a way of telling you something about yourself. Only negative people want to put that over you, that you're flawed for having an Aspergers/Autism diagnosis.

I don't stay super active on the autism boards because it seems silly to define people by a characteristic or series of characteristics.

Autistic & Neurotypical brains are different, and that's OK. It's like the difference between Windows & Mac. Which is better? Both! Depends on what you're doing with it.

Do you have a job of some kind? Because what I'd do if I were you, to find college education, is to get online classes or a local tech school/associates' degree. Or you could go into factory work! Those are great places to get money without a degree. Autistics are different. That's OK. We are the ones who lead the different lives.

Dating? I haven't gotten serious about that because I do not have a job & cannot therefore support a wife. But for me that's from a combination of 1) Catholic stuff, 2) I'm broke, 3) I'm not a fun person anyway. But seriously though, celibacy until it's time to marry is fine; it won't kill you or something.

Au Naturel has it right--Stoicism is a great philosophy to borrow from. I'm studying it in college right now. In my religion there are lots of philosophers, pagan, Protestant Christian, Catholic, whatever. We like to take the best of their work & use it--Stoics like Epicurus & Seneca offered one worldview; Aristotle went from there, Boethius built on that, Avicenna & Averroes added a Near Eastern flair, Aquinas made a philosophy out of it that is still used today, and it's all free on the Internet.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

I haven't sought out a diagnosis, but personally I think the only thing it would change is that I would now know why I am different- yes some things are more difficult, but it is absolutely possible to work around our limitations and attain things like education, stable employment and substantial relationships. It is also totally okay to decide that some of these things that society tells us we should want or need are just not for us, though for the sake of future happiness a good thing to question is whether we reject something because it truly conflicts with our nature, of if we are simply afraid of failing to achieve the results we want.

I understand your sentiments though. I am a full time student, and it can be extremely difficult. Often I feel like I'm just too different to fit into the social world, and honestly, I know that at least socially, I don't belong there. I stick to myself, and in the 3 years I've been a student I haven't made any friends despite a decent amount of people having attempted to get to know me. I have it in my head that they're not going to understand how I think, or how I express myself, so as a means of avoiding misinterpretation I basically shut down any attempt for others to communicate with me. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

While I don't feel I belong in the academic world, there are places where I do feel that my particular brand of different is genuinely beneficial. I know you don't necessarily want advice, but I hope that you'll be willing and able to identify your strengths if you have yet to do so (I don't intend for this to be patronizing- I recognize that this is incredibly difficult and is something I have yet to do myself), and use them as a guide to find your place and your peeps.

 

[Alexej]

.. I basically shut down any attempt for others to communicate with me. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The reminds me of the phrase "Blessed are they who expect nothing for they shall not be disappointed."

@_eri_bellehumeur - this is not a reflection to you on what you wrote, but my response from my experience and how I have lived life. However, I do not recommend this stance - for, surprise surprise, it leads to disappointment.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

l feel l can relate to what you expressed. It seems everything can feel like a struggle. The struggle does become easier if you practice acceptance with yourself and take a step back and realize that a lot of other people suffer with all tupes of barriers they must overcome. In fact, some cultures believe that we must struggle to find enlightment and spiritual freedom. Of course this totally sucks, and l feel l could have struggled way less in my lifetime. So find a passion, some type of reason to move forward in your lifetime perhaps. Anyways, that's what l read on this bag of potato chips l am eating. lol

i can relate to that,because i too struggle with socially interacting with others (i ask them something,they don't answer back,but when they ask or tell me something,i answer back),along with being found a girlfriend & not finding one,because of how unattractive i appear to them upon eye-contact,as well as how severely awkward .

 

[Justin Scarpulla]

I haven't sought out a diagnosis, but personally I think the only thing it would change is that I would now know why I am different- yes some things are more difficult, but it is absolutely possible to work around our limitations and attain things like education, stable employment and substantial relationships. It is also totally okay to decide that some of these things that society tells us we should want or need are just not for us, though for the sake of future happiness a good thing to question is whether we reject something because it truly conflicts with our nature, of if we are simply afraid of failing to achieve the results we want.

I understand your sentiments though. I am a full time student, and it can be extremely difficult. Often I feel like I'm just too different to fit into the social world, and honestly, I know that at least socially, I don't belong there. I stick to myself, and in the 3 years I've been a student I haven't made any friends despite a decent amount of people having attempted to get to know me. I have it in my head that they're not going to understand how I think, or how I express myself, so as a means of avoiding misinterpretation I basically shut down any attempt for others to communicate with me. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

While I don't feel I belong in the academic world, there are places where I do feel that my particular brand of different is genuinely beneficial. I know you don't necessarily want advice, but I hope that you'll be willing and able to identify your strengths if you have yet to do so (I don't intend for this to be patronizing- I recognize that this is incredibly difficult and is something I have yet to do myself), and use them as a guide to find your place and your peeps.

Thanks for the kind words.