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A very dark period of life

Crusnik

Active Member
It's My Birthday!
How do you people on spectrum deal with (speaking to the one's that went through this kind or similar situation) having to push through life almost completely alone while being pressured from anxiety and depression from recent traumatic life events? I barely have the strength to go to work and i must work in order to survive. I should focus on some solutions and have some in mind but i'm energetically drained from everything and must rest frequently whenever i'm not working or handling shopping necessities and house chores.
 
I feel for you, I've been through it. I didn't handle it so well but I also never knew anything about autism back then.

For me it was rest that I needed. Rest from people. Try to minimise the amount of time you spend around other people and get some space to yourself. If you can, go on a holiday to a remote place where there aren't any people and let yourself heal.


[Edit] I should also mention - stop watching and listening to the news. Read it if you feel the need but don't watch or listen, the hype in the reader's voices winds me up every time.
 
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How do you people on spectrum deal with (speaking to the one's that went through this kind or similar situation) having to push through life almost completely alone while being pressured from anxiety and depression from recent traumatic life events? I barely have the strength to go to work and i must work in order to survive. I should focus on some solutions and have some in mind but i'm energetically drained from everything and must rest frequently whenever i'm not working or handling shopping necessities and house chores.
I understand where you're coming from--sorry to hear of what you're going through.

In my experience...I kept pushing til I broke, and kept pushing because of fear. My pressure was parental-related, and that means both in terms of work and school. College was the most stressful five years of my life, and there were times when I was not the best person towards my then-girlfriend. Dealing with school and work and obligations when I was running on steam made me monstrous.

One example was when we were out shopping one day, five or so years ago, and my thirteen year-old car just wouldn't turn on. It had had battery issues before, or other issues. Maybe I was low on spunes as it was, but the engine just wouldn't ignite. I turned the key over and over, frantic and furious and above all afraid and desperate. The issues piled up in my head:

If it's broken, I can't afford to get fixed. I can't drive us to school or me to work. Then if I can't work I can't continue school and we'll have to live apart. Then I'll be stuck forever with my parents, letting them down. It was either these thoughts with the combination of a huge, unexpected change that my autism couldn't handle. Either way I lost it. Just pounding on the wheel in frustration. I didn't care why it didn't work; only the fact that it wasn't working, and I didn't know what to do.

My partner left the car, as my emotions were too much for them to handle. Looking back I don't blame them; I remember feeling the same way around my father. Eventually I called Triple A, and a fellow came out to adjust something on the battery. I reunited with my partner and we drove home, where I helped unpack all the groceries before going out on a long, long walk by myself on the beach.

At the time I didn't question my reaction in the car. All I knew was that I was stressed and I wanted it all to be over. But if I offed myself, how would I know if I'd ever finished school? Was ending it all the 'easy' way out, or was it justified? I didn't want to leave my partner alone but all the stress was just something I could not handle at the time.

It took me a long time to learn how to process my emotions and reactions and also apologize for them. Learning that I have autism helps because I know that it's not me doing this, and certainly not by choice but rather my autism. I can't fix it but I can recognize it and moderate it, to an extent.
 
I had a very dark period of my life as a young adult who didn't know I was autistic. Personally, I felt damaged, unwanted, and profoundly lonely. Family could not help though they knew that socially I was not dating.

I threw myself into my work which at the time was research in experimental pathology where I was given the tasks of designing experiments to understand the role of cell cycle, differentiation, and DNA repair in breast cancer. It kept my mind active. At the same time, I was out living independently. I had to learn to navigate being responsible for myself. With a little money I could afford to go to concerts, plays, and pursue my interests. Yes, there were stresses still. I desired an intimate relationship yet had never dated, was very shy, and inexperienced. As I was enjoying my life, I began thinking better of myself. I finally had a breakthrough. Like some guys here I thought that women fell for jerks but as I assessed my life and what I could offer in a relationship, I recognized that I never acted to give women a choice even though I was profoundly lonely. So, I started asking women out, being open to rejection, but also really enjoying the acceptance. I was still feeling a little damaged at 28 when I was still a virgin. Involved with Sierra Club outings I had the opportunity to meet women who like outdoor activities as much as I. I met my future spouse when we carpooled to a trail project. My life changed significantly when she accepted me sexually. I was finally out of the cage that my mind had me inhabit.
 
@Outdated I relate mostly to your reply here. I would go on a holiday but i can't atm, a colleague with whom I'm directly working is going at the end of july and it has been only 2 months since my last holiday so I'll have to wait till september starts at least. Although i miss some real live contact, people at work are too busy with their families and lives that they only talk about trivial and sporadic stuff. Nobody really cares or understands for that matter.
@autism-and-autotune Experience is very different here but your thought process in those critical situations is all too familiar.
@Gerald Wilgus We share the same experience for the young adult life period, no one really understood, internet and relatable information on it was very scarce at that time. Not only there was no understanding but also stigma and isolation in that sense.
 
As cliche as it sounds: one day at a time.
Tackling the issues I can control and have the strength to deal with. And some days, by the skin of my teeth.
 
I try to keep in mind what gives me purpose. What I live for and need to do, for myself--and to be myself. And take it one day at a time, as Bolletje said.
 
I took meds for depression. I was stalked for four years by somebody who l still don't know to this day. The pressure of what l went thru was difficult as l didn't go out much, or date.
 
@Outdated I relate mostly to your reply here. I would go on a holiday but i can't atm,
Try to find lots of little ways in which you can ease some of the pressure from yourself.

I don't know what your home life situation is like, it's a lot easier if you live by yourself.
Think of an excuse to get friends to give you a bit more space, time alone.
Turn your phone off when you get home.
As mentioned above, no TV or radio, hype in news reader's and advertiser's voices cause stress.
Find a mental distraction for yourself - video game, good book, peaceful hobby of some kind.

I also used to practice my own type of meditation every morning when I got up. It's simple really, when I first wake up I don't let myself think about anything except the coffee. Then it's time for the morning ablutions and once again think only of the tasks at hand, nothing else. That done with it's time for a second cup of coffee, with that I'd sit down, enjoy my first smoke for the day, smoke a bit of weed, then start thinking about the day ahead of me and planning it.

I always slept well because of that routine, knowing that there'd be no pressure on me as soon as I woke up meant that I usually also woke up fairly happy.
 
How do you people on spectrum deal with (speaking to the one's that went through this kind or similar situation) having to push through life almost completely alone while being pressured from anxiety and depression from recent traumatic life events? I barely have the strength to go to work and i must work in order to survive. I should focus on some solutions and have some in mind but i'm energetically drained from everything and must rest frequently whenever i'm not working or handling shopping necessities and house chores.
Yeah autistic s get screwed over, I grieve a lot never feeling loved enough as s child.
I hope everything goes well for you maybe you could get autism counselling or find an autistic support group.
Just talking on here with autistics has really helped me because autistics are actually usually very nice.
 
@Outdated I'm reading quite a lot lately aside from keeping myself busy with daily chores. It gives me a focus and some insights into parts of my specific condition. I don't have any friends here, only some sporadic talk with work collegues and as i said they already have their busy family lives and no time or interest for something like that. I have my former partners mother as a friend but i don't want to burden her as she has enough problems with her daughters overall health condition as well as her autistic son. Still quite often my mind wonders off to my former partner. Thinking about what is she thinking/feeling/doing. She said that she wanted to remain a friend but i don't know how to communicate with her again and that hurts...
 
Having someone to talk to is exactly what this forum is for. You've come to the right place, no matter what your situation is like there'll be others here that are going through the same things.

Being able to talk about it helps, and in trying to help others with our experiences we also help our selves.

I can only give general advice about your ex, I don't know either of you. It's probably wise not to bring those topics up with her mother, that puts the mother in a terrible position and will cause her stress.

And if things are truly over with your ex you need to find a way to move on from that, accept that it's over and move on to other things. Otherwise you will drive yourself insane.
 
Well, i've been completely alone in this sense for over 30 years before this, i'm quite used to it and don't really require validation to support my feelings of self worth. The worst thing i can do now is to let someone else determine my value. Life became quite a bit more complicated and that requires quite a bit of adjustment but also remembering who i'm at my core and that is not really something that anyone else can judge and evaluate aside from myself.
 
Music

I push on through writing, playing and listening to music

Also, I get lost in my video games to forget the darkness.

I am in a very dark period of my life and every day has been dark and brooding and depressing, I can't seem to reach the light at the end of the well, and it's horrible.

I just barely realized I have autism (2 weeks ago) and that has helped me to forgive myself for a lot of things I did and that happened in my life in the past, that has also opened up the floodgates to repressed trauma and horrible realizations about my parents, family, people I surrounded myself with... everything is coming in and taking me into different directions, the waters just toss me around and I hit everything. It's ugly

However, every morning I sit here on my little Chromebook and look for a job and listen to my favorite music and that is my 5 minutes of peace and calmness, life seems to be at peace when I'm listening to my music.

Music has always been my shelter from my problems and my bubble, if it weren't for her, I'd be dead.
 
I rely a lot on music to calm me. I also will sit in darkness with the hum of a fan to calm me for hours if needed. Sometimes l shut down for several days if l am at the end of my will to continue on. This actually brings me back to life. Just spend 3 or 4 days in, and not go out for anything.
 
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I'm completely off the anxiolytics now. Had some withdrawal effects from xanax so i covered it with another for several days and then quitted that too. I can feel things, events, and people much better now. Guess i managed to pull the psyche from the state of shock. Still, there is quite a bit of time till my vacation. My feelings regarding everything haven't really changed except for how i perceive people around me (i.e. neighbors, work colleagues) emotionally. There is primarily neutral blankness towards them. No interest or attraction of any kind, basically the same impression you would get from looking at an empty piece of wall.
 
I think i can say that depression has subsided and the nervous system is no longer tense. But, there is still some feeling in the background that something is wrong. It can't be really associated with any specific thought. It's not cognitive in nature and it's looming in the back of my conceusness. Just the feeling that something isn't right/is wrong. Maybe an intuitive insight. Any thoughts or experiences?
 
Not experience, just a thought. In some cases if a particular pattern of thought has been repeated many times over it can become a habitual pattern to follow, maybe that's all it is and the effects will fade with time.
 
I kind of like the idea of an internal compass indicating that something is "wrong". I have found that it's usually pretty accurate. That said, it might be a case where "feeling is not fact". I've taken time in the past to embrace loneliness until the dust settled and I could figure out what felt "right" to me. I worked at the same time and that was hard, but it also kept me from going adrift.
 
@Outdated It is one possibility although not a more probable one.
@Sasha22 Yes, my thoughts exactly about the possible meaning. The dust has settled as my mood has stabilized and there are no more patological acute distortions like anxiety and depression. I was working all the time during this period and it was very difficult.
 

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