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A Step Backward for Me

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I am so ashamed of myself. I thought that I was making progress letting go of a past that created painful anger and bitterness, but it still has power over me.

This is due to anything that resurrects feelings of worthlessness from social isolation during teen and young adult years, a result of paralyzing social anxiety that left me without any way to meet the normal sexual needs I felt. Anything that even remotely reminds me of that, the experiences I lost, and the resurrected anxiety, has me exploding with gratuitous cruelty towards those who I feel had it better at that point in life, primarily women. It is as if I need to share the pain and I also detest the misogynistic bent of those thoughts. It leaves me ashamed and disgusted at myself.

So, my sister in law, who I've helped in the past is having trouble with her granddaughter, the offspring of her daughter who she browbeat as a pregnant teen to take the pregnancy to term becaise my SIL wanted a grandchild. This led to my niece getting involved in an abusive relationship that damaged her life. That SIL i know as a young adult enjoyed getting out to pick up guys to (family blog), a release that was never open to me.

That was the trigger that had me pen an incredibly foul and gratuitously cruel screed to her . . . and since my SIL is meditative, reminded her that this is all karma presenting a lesson for her degenerate behavior. I have since apologized profusely, but that I would act that way crushes me. Tomorrow I plan to seek counseling because when I feel this way it negatively impacts my life and relationships. I understand what is happening and the unthinking biases my mind creates, but am wondering how I can heal so that those experiences of a younger me will no longer have any power? I should add that I have an eidetic emotional memory which seems to impair any healing.

Thoughts for a way forward? Thank you all.
It’s good you are interested in getting better. It seems to be a good time to re-build and create positive pictures & memories.

Maybe try going sideways instead of forward, since what you’ve said here indicates a tendency to slide forward and back on the same track.

Hope you find a skilled, knowledgeable & agreeable therapist.
Just to play the angel's advocate...
Try understanding it a bit differently. It hurts to think you have slid backwards in life, especially as an ND for whom forward motion can be extra challenging. Viewed realistically, you are not moving backwards; rather, a part of the more-or-less permanent you (which you have learned to keep pretty much under control,) has come out to play and you feel remorse. In a ping-pong analogy, you're not a worse player, you just let one get past you. Turn your attention to the next volley.

Actually, the episode indicates that you are concerned enough to become basically proficient in controlling those impulses, which is a good thing. Further, as @watersprite points out, you care a great deal about changing this part of yourself; this motivation is also a very good thing. I suspect that to get to this place, you must have had a lifetime of moving forward. Don't worry too much about the one that got past.

I know this doesn't answer your question about where to go from here. But I'm hoping it helps clarify where you've been.
It hurts, l slid backwards , then l have guilt feelings because it's me, not them. So, l promised myself, no more, l can't hurt somebody and push away, l need to confront my pain, my frustration period. They just live a normal life. Me l need to accept and live within my self for the time being.

We are trying to escape feelings, anyway we can. We have to recognize our pain, for me everyday , l must do this.
I know this doesn't answer your question about where to go from here. But I'm hoping it helps clarify where you've been.
Actually this is incredibly helpful and positive. Turn your attention to the next volley is great, as you are telling me to start filtering my thoughts through my conscious mind rather than a habituated reflex. Those bonds are not easy to break.

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