A rough realization I had today, would love any thoughts you might have

[Misery]

Alright, so, I went over to my friend's house today... the one I've known for decades.

I wasnt there long before a very bizarre and distressing interaction occurred. He said something like "Hey, you work in programming, right?". That's not the exact line, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm thinking... you've known me for over 30 years... how in the world could you forget I'm disabled? I havent worked a job in like 15 years.

He doesnt know where I live, either. I moved to where I'm currently at like in like, early 2021 (I used to live at a town that was like 20 minutes further away from his area). That seemed baffling too.

This all really stung. I did my best to not show that, and the rest of the visit went fine. But still, that hurt.

And as I'm driving back, a conflicting thought came to mind: he forgot / didnt know those things... but he mentioned my sleep condition, which I'd told him about like a couple of weeks ago. It was what brought up the job question (because of the idea of a conflict between a rotating sleep schedule, and a 9-5 job). On top of that, he's also been trying really, REALLY hard to get me into something that is a major interest of his, that bit couldnt be more obvious.

So there's this bit where it's like, I'm wondering if he doesnt know me as well as I'd thought, or just didnt care or wasnt interested... but there's those two things too. I mean with the sleep condition thing, he actually sat down and researched it, which was not what I expected when I mentioned it (I'd thought he'd be like "huh, interesting" and drop it, as people usually seem to do).

Now, I tell ya, driving down the road at like 50 MPH is really, REALLY not a good time to have a horrible realization, I just about launched off the road at this point.

I realized: It's not a matter of him not caring or anything. How in the world COULD he have known those things, when I never, ever talk about myself? I'd thought I had just been hiding the gender thing all this time... but no, I hide *everything*. I dont volunteer info about myself, or mention things I'm doing or into, and I have the strangest habit of deflecting questions about even stuff like "hey what hobbies do you like". I've had this constant opinion about myself, for who knows how long, that I probably seem really self-centered to people. So, I just wont talk about myself... at all. I'll let anyone ramble about themselves or anything else, but I just wont do the same. If pressed hard on something I'll eventually start ranting about it, but that's rare and short-lived, only one person I know (my other friend who doesnt live nearby) knows how to get me to do that.

Even with the job thing, I realized why he'd mentioned programming specifically. While I dont just abruptly spit out info, somehow knowledge that I'd worked on an indie game got out, everyone I know is aware of that (and I cannot for the life of me figure out how anyone knows that). Every now and then he'll ask me what seems like an odd question, when looking at some game that seems to be the sort I'm into (as he definitely does know that bit), which is "hey, so, did you work on this one?" and that always confused me because I figured it was obvious I didnt, I'm not officially a contractor. But... there's no way for him to know that. Because even if asked directly, I'll just give out a flat "nope" and not elaborate. And then change the subject.

I realized also, it's not just him. I do this even with close family. If asked about my interests for instance I will always, always deflect the topic. No, I dont know why. But it's automatic. And I dont tell anyone about accomplishments unless something about it will involve that person somehow. Like, I write game reviews, I've been doing it for a long time, and the things I write get serious attention. It's one of the few things where I know full well I'm very, very good at it. But nobody around me knows that I've ever done it at all. The only ones who know that are people on my friends list on Steam, because that's how almost all of them found me. I know my immediate family would be very excited to hear about it, but yeah, I dont tell them or even hint at it.

There are of course some things that will get spotted despite me not volunteering the info... like how every freaking person around me knew of my gender issues, and I was the only one that didnt spot that everyone knew it. But most things... yeah, it's all hidden.

And the one specific friend who does know about about me? I realized it's because he has a constant habit of just bluntly asking the first questions that come to mind, and will press me on things until I relent, no matter how hard I try to deflect the questions. Just part of his personality, that. So of course he's the only one who knows any of this stuff.

All of this, because I see myself as being really self-centered, and I'm always thinking "well I dont want to be annoying", or maybe "I shouldnt talk about X subject, they probably wont be interested, they dont want to hear about my stupid interests" and then I dont say stuff.

The odd thing is that this stuff doesnt apply as much in certain online spaces, like this forum. I'll ramble and rant about all those things easily here. So that's an odd conflict.

So, I'm curious as to what any of you think of this. Do you do something like this as well? I mean, I know masking is common, that's one thing, but this feels like it goes way beyond just masking.


Yeah, I dunno, not sure what to think about this realization. I do know though, I want to improve in whatever ways I can. Like good grief, I know I'm not too good at the whole communication thing, but this is just stupid, even for me. And I didnt even realize I was doing it, not really. Just... feh.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I tend to not want to talk about me or my interests. I think I’m afraid I’ll go into a monologue on a favorite subject. I don’t know how to just give “just enough” information. I feel so rejected on the few occasions that I have let myself go on about something I am passionate about. That feels so bad, I guess I just shut up. Then people think I am unfriendly. But that might be true too.

 

[Xinyta]

Honestly. I am most likely the last person to go to for alot of things. But here goes nothing, I guess.

I have a problem with trying to deflect too, and even try to outright lie. Which goes against my autistic everything inside head. I get so scared to say anything to hurt people. And I also am perpetually in fear of being yelled at or scolding in some way for saying just about anything. Thanks for the trama, stepmother.

But yeah. I'll outright go around the world to explain myself(in a manner of speaking), try to hide it by lying, or just freeze up. Most times. It's all three. But one thing is for sure. I have a issue with simple yes or no questions. I ALWAYS feel like I have to explain my answer, or just go on a full diatribe about something.

I have been getting better slowly with the yes and no thing. But it's a frustration of my Uncle's when I go into explanation mode over a yes or no question.

Anyway. I am very guarded about my interests too. Almost like I am afraid of being made fun of. I know I certainly don't want to be hurt more. And that maybe part of it. The lack of trust in anyone. Not hardly letting anyone in on the real me. Truthfully, no one really knows the true me at all.

Ironically. Neither do I.

I know. That's a serious case of what the heck. But no excuses anymore. That's on me for that one. But I do want to explore me more. Beyond the few things I do know about myself.

Maybe one day, I'll share more of myself on this forum. But till then... you know.

 

[Cutesie]

What's so horrible about realizing that you don't like talking about yourself? That it's weird? That it says something deep about your personality? Both may be true, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm not meaning to trivialize your feelings. I do want to understand them.

 

[Cutesie]

What's so horrible about realizing that you don't like talking about yourself? That it's weird? That it says something deep about your personality? Both may be true, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm not meaning to trivialize your feelings. I do want to understand them.

I'm so dumb. This comment was me yelling at myself as much as it was reassuring you. I can also be really secretive, and I am not accepting of myself. I let the world's expectations become my own. People can't understand why I need to hide things from them; I believe them that it's a big problem.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Alright, so, I went over to my friend's house today... the one I've known for decades.

I wasnt there long before a very bizarre and distressing interaction occurred. He said something like "Hey, you work in programming, right?". That's not the exact line, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm thinking... you've known me for over 30 years... how in the world could you forget I'm disabled? I havent worked a job in like 15 years.

He doesnt know where I live, either. I moved to where I'm currently at like in like, early 2021 (I used to live at a town that was like 20 minutes further away from his area). That seemed baffling too.

This all really stung. I did my best to not show that, and the rest of the visit went fine. But still, that hurt.

And as I'm driving back, a conflicting thought came to mind: he forgot / didnt know those things... but he mentioned my sleep condition, which I'd told him about like a couple of weeks ago. It was what brought up the job question (because of the idea of a conflict between a rotating sleep schedule, and a 9-5 job). On top of that, he's also been trying really, REALLY hard to get me into something that is a major interest of his, that bit couldnt be more obvious.

So there's this bit where it's like, I'm wondering if he doesnt know me as well as I'd thought, or just didnt care or wasnt interested... but there's those two things too. I mean with the sleep condition thing, he actually sat down and researched it, which was not what I expected when I mentioned it (I'd thought he'd be like "huh, interesting" and drop it, as people usually seem to do).

Now, I tell ya, driving down the road at like 50 MPH is really, REALLY not a good time to have a horrible realization, I just about launched off the road at this point.

I realized: It's not a matter of him not caring or anything. How in the world COULD he have known those things, when I never, ever talk about myself? I'd thought I had just been hiding the gender thing all this time... but no, I hide *everything*. I dont volunteer info about myself, or mention things I'm doing or into, and I have the strangest habit of deflecting questions about even stuff like "hey what hobbies do you like". I've had this constant opinion about myself, for who knows how long, that I probably seem really self-centered to people. So, I just wont talk about myself... at all. I'll let anyone ramble about themselves or anything else, but I just wont do the same. If pressed hard on something I'll eventually start ranting about it, but that's rare and short-lived, only one person I know (my other friend who doesnt live nearby) knows how to get me to do that.

Even with the job thing, I realized why he'd mentioned programming specifically. While I dont just abruptly spit out info, somehow knowledge that I'd worked on an indie game got out, everyone I know is aware of that (and I cannot for the life of me figure out how anyone knows that). Every now and then he'll ask me what seems like an odd question, when looking at some game that seems to be the sort I'm into (as he definitely does know that bit), which is "hey, so, did you work on this one?" and that always confused me because I figured it was obvious I didnt, I'm not officially a contractor. But... there's no way for him to know that. Because even if asked directly, I'll just give out a flat "nope" and not elaborate. And then change the subject.

I realized also, it's not just him. I do this even with close family. If asked about my interests for instance I will always, always deflect the topic. No, I dont know why. But it's automatic. And I dont tell anyone about accomplishments unless something about it will involve that person somehow. Like, I write game reviews, I've been doing it for a long time, and the things I write get serious attention. It's one of the few things where I know full well I'm very, very good at it. But nobody around me knows that I've ever done it at all. The only ones who know that are people on my friends list on Steam, because that's how almost all of them found me. I know my immediate family would be very excited to hear about it, but yeah, I dont tell them or even hint at it.

There are of course some things that will get spotted despite me not volunteering the info... like how every freaking person around me knew of my gender issues, and I was the only one that didnt spot that everyone knew it. But most things... yeah, it's all hidden.

And the one specific friend who does know about about me? I realized it's because he has a constant habit of just bluntly asking the first questions that come to mind, and will press me on things until I relent, no matter how hard I try to deflect the questions. Just part of his personality, that. So of course he's the only one who knows any of this stuff.

All of this, because I see myself as being really self-centered, and I'm always thinking "well I dont want to be annoying", or maybe "I shouldnt talk about X subject, they probably wont be interested, they dont want to hear about my stupid interests" and then I dont say stuff.

The odd thing is that this stuff doesnt apply as much in certain online spaces, like this forum. I'll ramble and rant about all those things easily here. So that's an odd conflict.

So, I'm curious as to what any of you think of this. Do you do something like this as well? I mean, I know masking is common, that's one thing, but this feels like it goes way beyond just masking.


Yeah, I dunno, not sure what to think about this realization. I do know though, I want to improve in whatever ways I can. Like good grief, I know I'm not too good at the whole communication thing, but this is just stupid, even for me. And I didnt even realize I was doing it, not really. Just... feh.

As I am reading this I am thinking to myself, there are two types of people, those that are automatically triggered into "What does he/she mean by that?" and others that never do this and just roll with the conversation. Right or wrong, I tend to just roll with the conversation. Perhaps, I don't care. Perhaps, I don't have the ability and it never occurs to me to pause and ask. Perhaps, I express and internalize verbal communication as "direct" and not "indirect". Perhaps, I am oblivious to others meanings behind what they say, much to my disadvantage. Perhaps, all four.

I often, probably at least once a week, or so, I will walk into a conversation at work where two people are talking about another person (not me), and they are ranting about how their behavior is this, that, or the other thing. Now, this is often a person I get along with just fine and dandy. However, I am listening to this conversation and thinking, "Am I just missing all sorts of social, communication, and behavioral cues?" The reality is that I probably am, and is why I often don't get offended by other's behavior. The only thing that I tend to cue in on is whether or not a person is intelligent by their level of thought, vocabulary, how they hold themselves, self-discipline, etc.

Now, I know, because my supervisor tells me so, that some of my coworkers talk about me and perhaps complain about me. They never, ever talk to me directly. Evidently, I am too intimidating for a face-to-face conversation. So, I know that when I walk into a room, as friendly as I can be, as friendly as they are to me, they can be masking their behavior and thoughts. I can get upset about that, but I've totally embraced my condition and do not have low self-esteem, so I just roll with it. I care, but I don't care. They are coworkers, not friends. I've put my life and the relationship into proper perspective. I walk out of a room and there isn't a single thought about them. It's a gift, I swear. I don't have that stress.

 

[Suzette]

Honestly, I think most people think of themselves first. That is why your friend only remembers certain things: he only remembers what he finds interesting.

For this same reason people forget the very thing that interests you the most.

I don't mean everyone is a narcissist. They are actually too unaware of others to require an audience. Mostly, they just get busy in their own heads and view others as npcs in their game of life. It's not personal, it's just human.

Maybe? Perhaps I misunderstand the post.

 

[Misery]

I feel so rejected on the few occasions that I have let myself go on about something I am passionate about. That feels so bad, I guess I just shut up. Then people think I am unfriendly.

Ah, yeah, this is a very good point. I do this too.

I think this is made worse if you dont personally know anyone with whom you have shared interests, as then there isnt even one person to bounce anything off of. That's been the case for me for the most part, particularly among family, zero shared interests. And a sort of feeling like we're from different worlds, almost. My world is tech-based and chaotic, most of the family is from the world of business, corporate or otherwise, so very "structured" and such.

Honestly I kinda find myself envious of my friend in a way... he can just enthusiastically ramble about stuff he's interested in to no end. He often likes to show me things when I'm over at his place, to try to catch my interest in stuff he likes (and recently I'm trying to do my best to step outside of my comfort zone, and actually try to take that interest, which is a new experience to me).

And... yeah I wish I could do that, talk about my interests and such with the kind of confidence he always has. But for me that terrible sense of rejection happens when it doesnt work out. Cant deal with it.

Truthfully, no one really knows the true me at all.

Ironically. Neither do I.

I know. That's a serious case of what the heck.

Honestly I think I can understand at least somewhat.

I dont have any family-related trauma, but what I did have is a nonstop miserable school experience. School wasnt about learning... I only learned things outside of it. It was about dealing with the unending bullying.

So I put on the mask, which was much heavier and more armored than I'd thought. Wearing it for so long, it's no longer entirely clear what's under it anymore. Or at least that's how it feels.

I let the world's expectations become my own.

Maybe that's part of it. Always trying to please others, but also to fit into some bloody stupid box simply "because". And the box often doesnt make a whole lot of sense, but there's a lot of possible ridicule and such to deal with if you dont get in it.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Ah, yeah, this is a very good point. I do this too.

I think this is made worse if you dont personally know anyone with whom you have shared interests, as then there isnt even one person to bounce anything off of. That's been the case for me for the most part, particularly among family, zero shared interests. And a sort of feeling like we're from different worlds, almost. My world is tech-based and chaotic, most of the family is from the world of business, corporate or otherwise, so very "structured" and

I can’t think of anyone who shares any of my interests. When looked at globally, yes, there are a lot of people interested in music or botany or gardening or canoeing, but somehow my interest in these topics doesn’t jive with the standard interest area. It’s like my interests are specialized and sit on the outside of these bigger groups. My path is tangential to their path.

 

[Cutesie]

I can’t think of anyone who shares any of my interests. When looked at globally, yes, there are a lot of people interested in music or botany or gardening or canoeing, but somehow my interest in these topics doesn’t jive with the standard interest area. It’s like my interests are specialized and sit on the outside of these bigger groups. My path is tangential to their path.

It would be hard to imagine that, in this world filled with billions of humans, there aren't at least a few who share your interest. Yes, I'm talking about your exact, specific interest. Some of them may also be autistic. What does that do for you? I've no idea.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

It would be hard to imagine that, in this world filled with billions of humans, there aren't at least a few who share your interest. Yes, I'm talking about your exact, specific interest. Some of them may also be autistic. What does that do for you? I've no idea.

I was commiserating with Misery about the wishes we might have to find someone to talk excitedly to. If that didn’t come through, my apologies.

Of course I know there may be one or more people who share my exact interests. That wasn’t the point.

 

[Cutesie]

I was commiserating with Misery about the wishes we might have to find someone to talk excitedly to. If that didn’t come through, my apologies.

Of course I know there may be one or more people who share my exact interests. That wasn’t the point.

Okay, I understand. My own special interest is fairly common, but it doesn't help that much. I'm not good at talking excitedly to strangers, and my family definitely gets sick of my obsession.

 

[FilterFreq]

All of this, because I see myself as being really self-centered, and I'm always thinking "well I dont want to be annoying", or maybe "I shouldnt talk about X subject, they probably wont be interested, they dont want to hear about my stupid interests" and then I dont say stuff.

All of these attributes just seem like constituents of a humble person who doesn't need to brag. Obviously this can lead to some interesting interactions (as what happened with your friend), but I'd go so far as to say that for people with the natural inclination, it's probably far better to be humble than it is to constantly brag.

(And, it's likely better for the 'natural bragger' to do the exact opposite)

The more time goes on, the more I realize most people are too caught up in their own stuff to really remember everything about me, and that might resonate with you as well. That doesn't mean they don't know you as well as you thought they did (personal opinion), but that they've likely had a lot going on and just mixed a few things up. Even if they're pretty colossal things in your life.

I realized also, it's not just him. I do this even with close family. If asked about my interests for instance I will always, always deflect the topic. No, I dont know why. But it's automatic. And I dont tell anyone about accomplishments unless something about it will involve that person somehow. Like, I write game reviews, I've been doing it for a long time, and the things I write get serious attention. It's one of the few things where I know full well I'm very, very good at it. But nobody around me knows that I've ever done it at all. The only ones who know that are people on my friends list on Steam, because that's how almost all of them found me. I know my immediate family would be very excited to hear about it, but yeah, I dont tell them or even hint at it.

Again, this just sounds like a person with confidence, who knows that the great things they do (even by directly putting good into the world) don't need to be shouted from the mountaintop. I prefer hanging around more low-key people, myself, and I consider them to be the strongest ones I know.

 

[Xinyta]

Honestly I think I can understand at least somewhat.

I dont have any family-related trauma, but what I did have is a nonstop miserable school experience. School wasnt about learning... I only learned things outside of it. It was about dealing with the unending bullying.

So I put on the mask, which was much heavier and more armored than I'd thought. Wearing it for so long, it's no longer entirely clear what's under it anymore. Or at least that's how it feels.

That's the odd thing with me. I didn't have alot of issues with bullies in school. It felt few, far, and between if it did happen, from my veiw anyway. But it could be that I was so deep into my own head and world, that I hardly noticed it.

Though I definitely put a mask on. But the mask I used was one that made me this quiet, yet obedient kid. Though I didn't really pay attention to alot. So how obedient could I be?

The problem person, according to my perspective, has always been my stepmother. The one person I alway loath being around, and coming back to after school to face. I hated being awake the next day, because knew it was more of the same. In truth. My stepmother IS my biggest bully, as far as I am concerned. Nothing any dumb kid in grade school, or high school, could be as much of a emotional and mental bully as my stepmother. There was just no contest.

But I didn't just mask. I full on hid everyday in videogames, when I didn't have homework or something else to do.

The mix of it all distorted who I REALLY am to such a point, that all it seems like is that I am this bitter, juvenile, adult that lives like thier life doesn't matter. Gaming, using the phone, or computer all day, and ignoring everything and everyone around me.

This isn't the true me. But it sure as heck has been who have been, for the past 28 years.