A recent experience of Alexithymia - eye opening for me

[Alexej]

During the easing of the lock down we are allowed to meet outside with another household.
My wife organised for some good friends of us to come and visit one afternoon. It was the first time they had been out of their house for many weeks.

Afterwards we received a thank you letter form them about the visit. My wife, NT, read the letter and was really taken by how much they said that in that and she was really touched by the letter and was really very appreciative of the love she heard conveyed in the letter.

I, on the other hand, read the same letter and regarded it as a nice thank you letter, but did not hear the depth of love that my wife had understood. She said that the letter was extremely clear in what it said of their regard for us.

The difference in my understanding came as a shock to my wife, in that she realised how different our understandings were. Not only in regard to what I understood in this letter, but in what it meant in terms of what I understood of what she said to me. My lack of picking up on things was so much less than she thought. Her shock caused me to consider what I had missed in this letter, and in other communication from her, from my family and form God.

This has caused a strain in our relationship since she does now not know what I understand of the things of care and love that she says/does towards me.

I feel really down as a result of missing out on hearing this appreciation/love from those around me; which I must have missed over so many years of my life.

 

[SDRSpark]

I relate to this. I don't know how much I'm missing out on but I know I don't see others emotions sometimes. I never thought about it in the context of alexithymia though.

 

[Juliettaa]

Isn't it about interpretation?

Your wife sees things how she does and you read the letter and arrived at a different conclusion as to the meaning of the letter.

It doesn't mean either conclusion is right or wrong.

Irrespective of neurological differences, people don't all think the same and our perspective can differ greatly.

 

[Fino]

It sounds like this could also be explained by the differences between men and women, such as differences in levels of sentimentality.

 

[Thinx]

The way you are now feeling so sad and down doesn't seem like you don't have depths of emotions in yourself, and in relation to your wife? You'd be laughing this off and telling her not to be silly if that were the case. As some do...

 

[Alexej]

It sounds like this could also be explained by the differences between men and women, such as differences in levels of sentimentality.

Thank you for the reply.

No I think that this is much more than male/female interpretation or sentimentality, at least that is how I am taking it. It was not that I did not tget the depth of feeling in the letter I did not get the feeling at all

 

[Alexej]

The way you are now feeling so sad and down doesn't seem like you don't have depths of emotions in yourself, and in relation to your wife? You'd be laughing this off and telling her not to be silly if that were the case. As some do...

Good point, but the depth of the difference in understanding of this letter has show how big the difficulty I have in hearing the subtlety of what she is saying to me. How much of what she has said to me have I totally missed - because I just did not pick it up?

 

[Thinx]

Good point, but the depth of the difference in understanding of this letter has show how big the difficulty I have in hearing the subtlety of what she is saying to me. How much of what she has said to me have I totally missed - because I just did not pick it up?

We have to love our partners for who they are and all their great qualities, not expect them to be the same as we are, that does lead to distress. We can't be everything our partners want or need and neither can they for us. Maybe when your wife can socialise more this deficit is easier to fill? Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Aspychata]

This is a great time l feel because you both are communicating and exploring each other. I am a tab disturbed that she couldn't see this as a learning opportunity about how you think. Think what you both take away from this *letter* is a chance at understanding each other better. Not as a means to demean you. This letter has opened up discussion. If l had discovered this, l just would have discussed the differences we each had in interpreting this letter. Nuances and context do come across differently, and words do have shades of meaning that not everyone can pick up on. That's okay too. She also may be more emotionally attached to these friends and therefore filtered the letter through those rose color glasses representing her closeness with this group. Maybe you are more black and white and viewed this letter as any guy would and just saw words that were appreciative and nothing more. Thus men are from Mars, woman are from Venus book.

 

[Thinx]

Although actually all planet Earth genders are socially constructed. But still the idea holds good.

 

[unperson]

...and what are her faults?

 

[Alexej]

...and what are her faults?

Sure she has faults, just as I have faults.

However, the difference in her understanding and my understanding was a shock to me. I had not realised how different our experiences and understanding of the same event were.

 

[Matthias]

I used to be same way until recently. There are a few causes of it that can be corrected. If you minimize all your emotions, you may have been depressed for most or nearly all of your life and not realized it. There are free and quick screening tests online that can indicate whether you may be depressed such as Free 3 Minute Depression Test with Scientific Quiz Results

If you normally underreact to positive letters or situations but overreact to negative or threatening letters or situations, you may be experiencing chronic stress which you could have had for most or nearly all of your life. That happens because stress alters the way the brain works, causing people to minimize positive experiences and magnify negative experiences.

I created a blog on this site that explains how to treat both problems if you're interested.

 

[Aspychata]

Sure she has faults, just as I have faults.

However, the difference in her understanding and my understanding was a shock to me. I had not realised how different our experiences and understanding of the same event were.

But again, this creates dialogue, and opening up of conversations of ** this felt like this to me***,( wifey) what did you think or feel? These conversations create awareness and openness and appreciation for each other's point of view. (feeling more connected, and hopefully understanding as the final goal.☺)

 

[Barymore]

I feel really down as a result of missing out on hearing this appreciation/love from those around me; which I must have missed over so many years of my life.

I can relate, this topic is something that makes me sad too.

What we have done is that my wife and I often talk through meanings in communications or also tease apart what things mean to me (and her). We obviously do feel things differently but nevertheless, there is a large part where I miss emotional content, am unable to feel it / correctly interpret or even misattribute it. The latter especially is hard for me - I often ‚hear‘ and read negative emotional meaning when it is meant positively. This is something I have had to learn to accept, that my relational emotional life (for want of a better word) is less rich than it is for others.
However, this does not mean we do not look for ways to let me access more meaning. As others have mentioned, it is not so much that I dont feel, it is the communication of emotion where I struggle. So my wife has learned to say things in a clearer manner, she will ‚translate‘ text for their emotional subtext for me and through this I have gotten better at ‚hearing‘ what emotional content NT communication implicitly carries.
Is it possible that it is this also for you? That it is the medium of the message that makes is difficult to access the emotional content rather than a blanket inability to feel? If so, languages can be learned
Also, my wife has needed some time to come to terms with what it means to be partnered with someone with aspergers. Maybe grieving is an important part of that too, it was for her. Now we are in another place and can joke about this aspect of our relationship. Perhaps just give it some time.

 

[Alexej]

I can relate, this topic is something that makes me sad too.

What we have done is that my wife and I often talk through meanings in communications or also tease apart what things mean to me (and her). We obviously do feel things differently but nevertheless, there is a large part where I miss emotional content, am unable to feel it / correctly interpret or even misattribute it. The latter especially is hard for me - I often ‚hear‘ and read negative emotional meaning when it is meant positively. This is something I have had to learn to accept, that my relational emotional life (for want of a better word) is less rich than it is for others.
However, this does not mean we do not look for ways to let me access more meaning. As others have mentioned, it is not so much that I dont feel, it is the communication of emotion where I struggle. So my wife has learned to say things in a clearer manner, she will ‚translate‘ text for their emotional subtext for me and through this I have gotten better at ‚hearing‘ what emotional content NT communication implicitly carries.
Is it possible that it is this also for you? That it is the medium of the message that makes is difficult to access the emotional content rather than a blanket inability to feel? If so, languages can be learned
Also, my wife has needed some time to come to terms with what it means to be partnered with someone with aspergers. Maybe grieving is an important part of that too, it was for her. Now we are in another place and can joke about this aspect of our relationship. Perhaps just give it some time.

Thank you for your reply. My wife is understanding and patient, but it is a hard path to walk.

 

[Alexej]

Thank you @Aspychata for your input and help towards that goal of understanding

 

[Kalinychta]

Thank you for the reply.

No I think that this is much more than male/female interpretation or sentimentality, at least that is how I am taking it. It was not that I did not tget the depth of feeling in the letter I did not get the feeling at all

But really, though...how much love and depth of feeling can be conveyed in a thank-you letter for afternoon tea? Unless your neighbor is Alfred Lord Tennyson or Pablo Neruda. I think your wife is being a bit mean and unfair to you.

By the way, would you mind sharing the letter with us? We really can’t be of much help to you without reading it ourselves.

 

[Alexej]

We really can’t be of much help to you without reading it ourselves.

As requested here is the letter

 

[Matthias]

As requested here is the letter

That's definitely more than just being thankful for getting together for some tea. While autistic people often feel content being alone for weeks at a time, most people get quite lonely and start to become depressed. Being able to get together with warm, loving neighbors can greatly lift their spirits and make a big difference in how they feel. It's clear from the letter it had a big impact on their lives and they were greatly appreciative of it.