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A recent experience of Alexithymia - eye opening for me

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Alexej, Jul 1, 2020 at 4:36 AM.

  1. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    During the easing of the lock down we are allowed to meet outside with another household.
    My wife organised for some good friends of us to come and visit one afternoon. It was the first time they had been out of their house for many weeks.

    Afterwards we received a thank you letter form them about the visit. My wife, NT, read the letter and was really taken by how much they said that in that and she was really touched by the letter and was really very appreciative of the love she heard conveyed in the letter.

    I, on the other hand, read the same letter and regarded it as a nice thank you letter, but did not hear the depth of love that my wife had understood. She said that the letter was extremely clear in what it said of their regard for us.

    The difference in my understanding came as a shock to my wife, in that she realised how different our understandings were. Not only in regard to what I understood in this letter, but in what it meant in terms of what I understood of what she said to me. My lack of picking up on things was so much less than she thought. Her shock caused me to consider what I had missed in this letter, and in other communication from her, from my family and form God.

    This has caused a strain in our relationship since she does now not know what I understand of the things of care and love that she says/does towards me.

    I feel really down as a result of missing out on hearing this appreciation/love from those around me; which I must have missed over so many years of my life.
     
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  2. SDRSpark

    SDRSpark Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I relate to this. I don't know how much I'm missing out on but I know I don't see others emotions sometimes. I never thought about it in the context of alexithymia though.
     
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  3. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    Isn't it about interpretation?

    Your wife sees things how she does and you read the letter and arrived at a different conclusion as to the meaning of the letter.

    It doesn't mean either conclusion is right or wrong.

    Irrespective of neurological differences, people don't all think the same and our perspective can differ greatly.
     
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  4. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    It sounds like this could also be explained by the differences between men and women, such as differences in levels of sentimentality.
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The way you are now feeling so sad and down doesn't seem like you don't have depths of emotions in yourself, and in relation to your wife? You'd be laughing this off and telling her not to be silly if that were the case. As some do...
     
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  6. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Thank you for the reply.

    No I think that this is much more than male/female interpretation or sentimentality, at least that is how I am taking it. It was not that I did not tget the depth of feeling in the letter I did not get the feeling at all
     
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  7. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Good point, but the depth of the difference in understanding of this letter has show how big the difficulty I have in hearing the subtlety of what she is saying to me. How much of what she has said to me have I totally missed - because I just did not pick it up?
     
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  8. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    We have to love our partners for who they are and all their great qualities, not expect them to be the same as we are, that does lead to distress. We can't be everything our partners want or need and neither can they for us. Maybe when your wife can socialise more this deficit is easier to fill? Hope you feel better soon.
     
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  9. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    This is a great time l feel because you both are communicating and exploring each other. I am a tab disturbed that she couldn't see this as a learning opportunity about how you think. Think what you both take away from this *letter* is a chance at understanding each other better. Not as a means to demean you. This letter has opened up discussion. If l had discovered this, l just would have discussed the differences we each had in interpreting this letter. Nuances and context do come across differently, and words do have shades of meaning that not everyone can pick up on. That's okay too. She also may be more emotionally attached to these friends and therefore filtered the letter through those rose color glasses representing her closeness with this group. Maybe you are more black and white and viewed this letter as any guy would and just saw words that were appreciative and nothing more. Thus men are from Mars, woman are from Venus book.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2020 at 9:08 PM
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  10. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Although actually all planet Earth genders are socially constructed. But still the idea holds good.
     
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  11. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member

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    ...and what are her faults?
     
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  12. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Sure she has faults, just as I have faults.

    However, the difference in her understanding and my understanding was a shock to me. I had not realised how different our experiences and understanding of the same event were.