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A Little Jealousy/Rant

AuBurney Tuckerson

~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~
I know this may sound stupid, as my mother thinks so, but have you ever been at least a little jealous of your kid sibling? My mother does things with him that she never did with me. It's like he tends to get away with everything I never would've gotten away with as his age. He's 8, and I'm 19, I know, but she treats him different than she treated me as a child.. Could it be because he's normal and has no mental disability? I'm starting to think that's it. He seems to be a normal little child, while I was nowhere near that (and nowhere near a normal adult right now). He hardly ever gets in trouble for stuff he does when I used to get in trouble all the time. Right now, we were talking to our grandma on the phone, and my mother said that I was "boring her", and I said "Oh, and Frankie's more interesting?" She said no, and I would have been jealous if that was it, and she was like "Oh, hush! Jealous over a little baby." I just got my snack and went to my room. He's not even a baby. He's eight! A kid, but NOT a baby! She babies him too much, and while I always get the short end of the stick, he gets everything! He eats up all the snacks, drinks up all the milk (just cause he's a "growing boy"). Doesn't mean he has to hog everything! She'd never let me do that when I was his age, so why does he live without rules? I had chords when I was his age; how come he doesn't? He may not do them good, but TEACH HIM! You taught me! I wanted a sibling years before we had him, so I can have someone of my family to play with, but we didn't have him til I was 10, so I couldn't play with him the same way as my peers. But the problem is that she's making me jealous of a kid. I was fine u til she started treating him better than me. One of the reasons I HAVE depression is because I'm the mistake, apparently. I spent most of my childhood stuck under a bad step father, I got in trouble for almost everything, and people brushed off my problems like I was just a bad child. I'm not trying to make her look like a bad mother. It's just that I'm a mistake compared to him. She doesn't say it or really show it like that, but she let's him get off with everything I got punished for. What does he have that I didn't? And I really a reject?
 
Ahhh, yes, 'perfect' little brothers. I know them well. I have one myself. My parents did everything for him long after the age when they expected me to do those things myself. He got all of the privileges that I had to wait years to get, all of our fights were my fault, not his, he always got first pick of the tv and computer, and of course he was the one playing sports and doing normal activities like they always wished I would do. While my mom and I were always fighting, he was their golden child. It's not that we never got along, and I do love him, but it gets very frustrating to live with someone who is held to completely different standards. He's grown up now, and very conventionally successful with a good job and fiancee. Our parents have stopped thinking he's perfect, though, mainly because he always expects them to do things for him and doesn't do anything in return. A lot of spoiled kids end up like that.

As for you, you're not a mistake. You may be more unusual than your brother, and your mom seems to have fallen into the trap of thinking that 'normal' is automatically better than not normal. Parents also tend to keep treating the younger child like a baby for much too long. It may not turn out well for the child or the parent. I don't know why they do it, but it's not your fault. Your mom probably doesn't even realize she's doing it. I know that's not much help because she's still doing it, but I hope you at least can see that it's not because of you.
 
Ahhh, yes, 'perfect' little brothers. I know them well. I have one myself. My parents did everything for him long after the age when they expected me to do those things myself. He got all of the privileges that I had to wait years to get, all of our fights were my fault, not his, he always got first pick of the tv and computer, and of course he was the one playing sports and doing normal activities like they always wished I would do. While my mom and I were always fighting, he was their golden child. It's not that we never got along, and I do love him, but it gets very frustrating to live with someone who is held to completely different standards. He's grown up now, and very conventionally successful with a good job and fiancee. Our parents have stopped thinking he's perfect, though, mainly because he always expects them to do things for him and doesn't do anything in return. A lot of spoiled kids end up like that.

As for you, you're not a mistake. You may be more unusual than your brother, and your mom seems to have fallen into the trap of thinking that 'normal' is automatically better than not normal. Parents also tend to keep treating the younger child like a baby for much too long. It may not turn out well for the child or the parent. I don't know why they do it, but it's not your fault. Your mom probably doesn't even realize she's doing it. I know that's not much help because she's still doing it, but I hope you at least can see that it's not because of you.

Thanks, man. That makes me feel better about it
 
It is the cliche that the youngest gets the most attention and the oldest gets jealous. It's an episode of practically every children's cartoon. And it seems to be based in truth:

Turns Out Parents (And Grandparents) Have a Favorite Child After All

"You will often hear parents say that they love all their children equally but a new study suggests that’s a bunch of baloney. In fact, many parents secretly favor their youngest kidover the rest. The insight comes courtesy of Mumsnet, a parenting website, which contacted 1,185 parents to find if they had a favorite child and if so, which was their favorite. The survey revealed while most parents would not admit to favoring one kid over the others, those that did overwhelmingly said that they preferred their youngest child."

So keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you and is not an indication that you're a mistake or anything like that.
 
Nope... jealousy does not compute and never has. I see it as illogical and because of this core belief i never experience jealousy. I know that doesn't set the proper tone to teach but it's the truth and i won't lie to make someone more receptive to information.

Jealousy often results from a failure to understand that different people have led different lives with different circumstances. They only see the good, while completely ignoring the bad. Ignoring what they wouldn't be able to handle. Willful ignorance.

Ex. Lets say Fred was outside a cafe with his friend Sara. Fred works out, has an average job with an average life and decent looks. he sees a dude pull up in a lambo with a hot date. Fred becomes jealous "What does he have that i don't?!? i deserve that!" (blind entitlement). Sara happens to know the guy and explains to Fred that he was abandoned at the age of 4 had no family, and lived on the streets in cardboard boxes for several years. Many bad things happened as he grew up and eventually he got taken in by a gang where he is forced to do things he doesn't want to do. If he doesn't obey commands or if he tries to leave they will kill him. Any sense of identity he had is gone, and must obey to survive. Like a shell of a man, he can't even enjoy that vehicle or woman the same way Fred would, as Fred has not undergone the trials he has.

Fred, still stewing in jealousy is and not truly thinking is incapable of understanding. "Yah! Well... i can do that!" He's oblivious to the depths in Sara's words... only sees the surface. Making associations to movies where this kind of life is glorified.

"Doesn't mean he has to hog everything! She'd never let me do that when I was his age, so why does he live without rules?
That's over a decade ago, why does it matter now?

I had chords when I was his age; how come he doesn't?
Why does it matter?


He may not do them good, but TEACH HIM! You taught me! I wanted a sibling years before we had him, so I can have someone of my family to play with, but we didn't have him til I was 10, so I couldn't play with him the same way as my peers. But the problem is that she's making me jealous of a kid.
Only you can make you jealous. Instead of projecting outwards explore within yourself and find the root cause for the feeling. If you can do this, and you realize "Oh wow. it has nothing to do with my mom or brother in the present, but i want more of [this] thing or [that] thing etc..." Then your stress will lessen and the jealousy will go away. Accurate thinking and self exploration can fix this problem, your current stressors.

I was fine u til she started treating him better than me.
Is this really true? or are you missing another side of it... only paying attention to one aspect?

One of the reasons I HAVE depression is because I'm the mistake, apparently(?). I spent most of my childhood stuck under a bad step father, I got in trouble for almost everything, and people brushed off my problems like I was just a bad child.
So you're the mistake because you had it harder as a kid due to factors outside of your control? Different times and circumstances. Perspective... example: Would your mother have been able to support you on her own or did she have to find a man to help out so you could both survive?
You're not a mistake because you had it rough. You're not a mistake, it was just a different time with many factors outside of your control. Realize that getting in trouble and having a bad parent doesn't make you a mistake.



I'm not trying to make her look like a bad mother. It's just that I'm a mistake compared to him. She doesn't say it or really show it like that,
You're not a mistake, stop comparing yourself to him. If you truly were a mistake wouldn't your mother would have put you up for adoption instead? Raising a child is very difficult. In todays world both parents usually have to work to make ends meet now. Which wouldn't give her enough time to raise you properly she would always be in a stressed out state which would be projected onto others, etc...

but she let's him get off with everything I got punished for. What does he have that I didn't? And I really a reject?"
Maybe now is a time where she is isn't as stressed out anymore. Found a good partner or *made it* financially as a single parent and has more time on her hands to be a better parent? Has a more stable mood? Doesn't have to make compromises she doesn't want to which effects her mood, which would be projected onto the child, effecting their mood and development?

No, you're not a reject. If that were the case, the story you would be telling us now would be very different. Just... different times and different circumstances.
 
Nope... jealousy does not compute and never has. I see it as illogical and because of this core belief i never experience jealousy. I know that doesn't set the proper tone to teach but it's the truth and i won't lie to make someone more receptive to information.

Jealousy often results from a failure to understand that different people have led different lives with different circumstances. They only see the good, while completely ignoring the bad. Ignoring what they wouldn't be able to handle. Willful ignorance.

Ex. Lets say Fred was outside a cafe with his friend Sara. Fred works out, has an average job with an average life and decent looks. he sees a dude pull up in a lambo with a hot date. Fred becomes jealous "What does he have that i don't?!? i deserve that!" (blind entitlement). Sara happens to know the guy and explains to Fred that he was abandoned at the age of 4 had no family, and lived on the streets in cardboard boxes for several years. Many bad things happened as he grew up and eventually he got taken in by a gang where he is forced to do things he doesn't want to do. If he doesn't obey commands or if he tries to leave they will kill him. Any sense of identity he had is gone, and must obey to survive. Like a shell of a man, he can't even enjoy that vehicle or woman the same way Fred would, as Fred has not undergone the trials he has.

Fred, still stewing in jealousy is and not truly thinking is incapable of understanding. "Yah! Well... i can do that!" He's oblivious to the depths in Sara's words... only sees the surface. Making associations to movies where this kind of life is glorified.

"Doesn't mean he has to hog everything! She'd never let me do that when I was his age, so why does he live without rules?
That's over a decade ago, why does it matter now?

I had chords when I was his age; how come he doesn't?
Why does it matter?


He may not do them good, but TEACH HIM! You taught me! I wanted a sibling years before we had him, so I can have someone of my family to play with, but we didn't have him til I was 10, so I couldn't play with him the same way as my peers. But the problem is that she's making me jealous of a kid.
Only you can make you jealous. Instead of projecting outwards explore within yourself and find the root cause for the feeling. If you can do this, and you realize "Oh wow. it has nothing to do with my mom or brother in the present, but i want more of [this] thing or [that] thing etc..." Then your stress will lessen and the jealousy will go away. Accurate thinking and self exploration can fix this problem, your current stressors.

I was fine u til she started treating him better than me.
Is this really true? or are you missing another side of it... only paying attention to one aspect?

One of the reasons I HAVE depression is because I'm the mistake, apparently(?). I spent most of my childhood stuck under a bad step father, I got in trouble for almost everything, and people brushed off my problems like I was just a bad child.
So you're the mistake because you had it harder as a kid due to factors outside of your control? Different times and circumstances. Perspective... example: Would your mother have been able to support you on her own or did she have to find a man to help out so you could both survive?
You're not a mistake because you had it rough. You're not a mistake, it was just a different time with many factors outside of your control. Realize that getting in trouble and having a bad parent doesn't make you a mistake.



I'm not trying to make her look like a bad mother. It's just that I'm a mistake compared to him. She doesn't say it or really show it like that,
You're not a mistake, stop comparing yourself to him. If you truly were a mistake wouldn't your mother would have put you up for adoption instead? Raising a child is very difficult. In todays world both parents usually have to work to make ends meet now. Which wouldn't give her enough time to raise you properly she would always be in a stressed out state which would be projected onto others, etc...

but she let's him get off with everything I got punished for. What does he have that I didn't? And I really a reject?"
Maybe now is a time where she is isn't as stressed out anymore. Found a good partner or *made it* financially as a single parent and has more time on her hands to be a better parent? Has a more stable mood? Doesn't have to make compromises she doesn't want to which effects her mood, which would be projected onto the child, effecting their mood and development?

No, you're not a reject. If that were the case, the story you would be telling us now would be very different. Just... different times and different circumstances.
The way you put it, it's like you're denying the way I feel about all this. She does not have it any better now than she did when I was his age. She's single and struggling still. And SHE used to compare me to him long before I got my diagnosis. And IDC if it's the present now, if she's letting him get off with everything when I got in trouble for almost everything at his age, then something's wrong, and yeah, I'm gonna feel like a reject because I'm wondering why she didn't raise me like that. Why does she seem more living to him than she was to eight-year-old me. It's easy to put down someone for feeling like this when you're still an only child or had parents that saw you equally (or you haven't even been compared to your sibling). I know she may give him more attention because he's younger, butbuty question is why didn't she treat me the same when I was younger. I understand that I had a lot of sensory issues and stuff like that, and no one knew why I couldn't touch certain things or sit in a chair comfortably like the other kids, but I'm wondering if that's why he getsgets more loved at this age than I ever did. Why he gets away with everything I would have never gotten away with. Is it because he's normal?
 
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"The way you put it, it's like you're denying the way I feel about all this."
I said how you're not a reject or mistake 5 or 6 different times and explained why. Tried hard to be sympathetic / empathetic here.
If that's not considering your feelings then i don't know what is. :neutral:

"Why he gets away with everything I would have never gotten away with. Is it because he's normal?"
It's explained in my first post.

Goodluck.
 
"The way you put it, it's like you're denying the way I feel about all this."
I said how you're not a reject or mistake 5 or 6 different times and explained why. Tried hard to be sympathetic / empathetic here.
If that's not considering your feelings then i don't know what is. :neutral:

"Why he gets away with everything I would have never gotten away with. Is it because he's normal?"
It's explained in my first post.

Goodluck.
I was talking about when you said this: "That's over a decade ago, why does it matter now?"

It matters now because she's raising him right in front of me the way she didn't raise me. He's growing up without chores, without rules, and even though she worked then, she still works now, yet, the only difference is that he doesn't have a bullying step father over him. When I was eight, (I think that's when my mother first married my step father), she was believing him over me in everything, so yes, I got in trouble a lot (especially because no one understood why I couldn't walk on carpet (sensory thing) or acted like an animal). But the fact that I had to live under strict "rules" and stuff like that while he's doing everything he wants is what's bothering me. That's favoritism, so yeah, it hurts me now, as an adult, seeing him being treated as the best child in the world while I was busy trying to avoid getting into trouble. I feel like I basically survived my childhood while he's enjoying his.

"I had chords when I was his age; how come he doesn't?"

Why does it matter?

It matters because it isn't fair. Why does he not have chores at this age when I did?

I was fine u til she started treating him better than me. Is this really true? or are you missing another side of it... only paying attention to one aspect?

I see him curl up next to her like her freaking pet all the time. I dont remember ever getting to do that. If I did that at that age, the step father either wouldve gotten jealous, or my mother probably would've told me to stop being spoiled. But she's spoiling him and thinking she spoiled me just because I have TV and computer. Electronics =/= love.
 
I have no siblings, and I'm a mistake (confirmed on paper now) and proud of it!

I had the oppertunity to get much insight in 6 families with multiple siblings closely for years, and can see the younger siblings stereotypically clearly favored in all of them.
 
Hi Auburney. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Her age and what she has learned during the years between you and your younger sibling.
Yes, you do treat each child a little differently - you have to because each child is different. But laxing her rules has more to do with herself learning more patience and tolerance over the years for one thing. And the other is you tend to become a little more laxed with each child. First child you're afraid to let them do anything in fear they could get hurt. Everything is new and inexperienced with your first and you try to do everything perfectly - including keeping the house clean. Next one comes along and you know what you're doing so you worry less. You've learned that it's useless trying to keep everything perfect, not to mention, you're tired, so "go ahead and leave your toys everywhere and walk through the spilt chips on the floor".
12729315_10206935080267963_322580242181030416_n.jpg

ever wonder why there are so many memes like this? Because it's so true.
 
Youngest always get spoiled, just as oldest get the most discipline. It is not a disability thing. The energy and motivation the parents had to teach is dissipated in later kids. Plus its their last chance to spoil and they make the most of it. If its any consolation the oldest are typically the best achievers. About 80% of airline pilots are firstborns.

But you missed your chance to avoid all this. You are supposed to sell them to the Circus at age 5.
 
Look on the bright side, there are benefits to being the oldest as well. Oldest children tend to be more intelligent and better at certain things like sharing and leading, since we spend our entire childhood being mini-parents, teaching our younger siblings and giving away our clothes/toys/whatever to younger brothers/sisters (middle children tend to be excellent peacekeepers and negotiators, due to their role in the family). If anything, I have an almost maternal relationship with my little sister since she did everything several years after me and I had experience and knowledge that our mother did not. Feeling jealous is pointless and will only result in damaging the relationship you have. Focus on the advantages rather than the negatives.
 
Being the firstborn is much akin to beta testing. Where most problems get discovered and resolved with the first generation of a family the most. It's why I never buy a computer operating system that has just been released. :eek:

Much like my being five years younger than my older brother. Where seeing all his mistakes were so profitable for me, and not so much for him. ;)

Not to mention the learning curve for my parents as well. So when I came along things went a bit more smoothly. Unfortunately those who are firstborn can't get a refund over the sequence of their birth. :oops:
 
Yep, I get this. Totally.

I am still a bit jealous of my MY SIBs, how they were raised, and how they are treated differently by almost all family members today.

I too have wondered if it is partially or totally due to my being autistic. And I have come to the painful conclusion that there is some validity in that idea.

Even before diagnsis, we appear off or different. Part of labeling is shifting through our behaviors, deciding which ones fall short of "normal" or expected, and then stuffing into little boxes where others (who are rejects, outcasts of society, freaks, weird kids, can't do anything right... DISABLED... reside.

Well, I have torn up my little box and turned it into a boat so I can sail away. In other words, as adults, we get to parent ourselves a d give ourselves all the stuff that was our birthright that our own parents and other relatives teachers, or other grown ups in our lives neglected to give us.

Today I am on my own side. I am my own cheerleader and my own best friend. Getting through all of this was years of pain and really tough work.

I don't like having to work twice as hard as my SIBs for less results. It is the reality of my own life.

Who can be for me if I am not for myself?

There will always be people who Other us and it hurts when it is a parent in particular.
Think about how to be good enough for yourself. I am deeply sorry for your pain.

I believe in you.
 
I have an older brother and he seems much more successful and capable than I've ever been. He's highly educated, married, has children and a job. My mom is always saying how shy he's always been, and yet just the other day she got a message from him saying he played and even sang in a band the other night. What am I doing with my own life? Zero. Just washing the dishes is a major accomplishment for me. Sometimes I wonder why my brother was never diagnosed with Asperger's when he has many of the traits. I guess it's because he's successful. Just like when the "experts" tell you you can't be autistic because you're successful or even happy. Ugh...

Well I don't really want my brother to be a failure like I am. But I can't help feeling that everything comes much easier to him. In spite of the fact that he's really shy.
 
Hi Auburney. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Her age and what she has learned during the years between you and your younger sibling.
Yes, you do treat each child a little differently - you have to because each child is different. But laxing her rules has more to do with herself learning more patience and tolerance over the years for one thing. And the other is you tend to become a little more laxed with each child. First child you're afraid to let them do anything in fear they could get hurt. Everything is new and inexperienced with your first and you try to do everything perfectly - including keeping the house clean. Next one comes along and you know what you're doing so you worry less. You've learned that it's useless trying to keep everything perfect, not to mention, you're tired, so "go ahead and leave your toys everywhere and walk through the spilt chips on the floor".
12729315_10206935080267963_322580242181030416_n.jpg

ever wonder why there are so many memes like this? Because it's so true.
Well, I am her first child.. Maybe you're right, too.
 
Look on the bright side, there are benefits to being the oldest as well. Oldest children tend to be more intelligent and better at certain things like sharing and leading, since we spend our entire childhood being mini-parents, teaching our younger siblings and giving away our clothes/toys/whatever to younger brothers/sisters (middle children tend to be excellent peacekeepers and negotiators, due to their role in the family). If anything, I have an almost maternal relationship with my little sister since she did everything several years after me and I had experience and knowledge that our mother did not. Feeling jealous is pointless and will only result in damaging the relationship you have. Focus on the advantages rather than the negatives.
I do like being my age. I just feel that I didn't get as much love at his age as he does now.
 
Yep, I get this. Totally.

I am still a bit jealous of my MY SIBs, how they were raised, and how they are treated differently by almost all family members today.

I too have wondered if it is partially or totally due to my being autistic. And I have come to the painful conclusion that there is some validity in that idea.

Even before diagnosis, we appear off or different. Part of labeling is shifting through our behaviors, deciding which ones fall short of "normal" or expected, and then stuffing into little boxes where others (who are rejects, outcasts of society, freaks, weird kids, can't do anything right... DISABLED... reside.

Well, I have torn up my little box and turned it into a boat so I can sail away. In other words, as adults, we get to parent ourselves a d give ourselves all the stuff that was our birthright that our own parents and other relatives teachers, or other grown ups in our lives neglected to give us.

Today I am on my own side. I am my own cheerleader and my own best friend. Getting through all of this was years of pain and really tough work.

I don't like having to work twice as hard as my SIBs for less results. It is the reality of my own life.

Who can be for me if I am not for myself?

There will always be people who Other us and it hurts when it is a parent in particular.
Think about how to be good enough for yourself. I am deeply sorry for your pain.

I believe in you.

Thanks.
 
I have an older brother and he seems much more successful and capable than I've ever been. He's highly educated, married, has children and a job. My mom is always saying how shy he's always been, and yet just the other day she got a message from him saying he played and even sang in a band the other night. What am I doing with my own life? Zero. Just washing the dishes is a major accomplishment for me. Sometimes I wonder why my brother was never diagnosed with Asperger's when he has many of the traits. I guess it's because he's successful. Just like when the "experts" tell you you can't be autistic because you're successful or even happy. Ugh...

Well I don't really want my brother to be a failure like I am. But I can't help feeling that everything comes much easier to him. In spite of the fact that he's really shy.
I'm not doing anything, either... I'm only in college..
 
I recognise the feelings you describe, but I've never felt them. I'm the eldest and there was a child born to the same parents after me. That child was spoiled in comparison. I was autistic and had my own concerns.
I went on to be employed my whole life, end up having a wonderful wife and do some interesting things that have left a mark on the world.
The other child was a spiteful, entitled, lazy (insert pejorative of choice) who never achieved anything in life and blames the rest of the world world for it.
Jealousy? Nah. Doesn't do you any good and just eats your soul from the inside out.

I'm not unsympathetic Auburney, I understand what you're feeling, but it won't do you any good. Let the younger sibling lead their life and you concentrate on yours. You're a grown woman! Concentrate on building your own life, a brighter future for YOU rather than making comparisons and feeling resentful.
 

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