A life of loneliness

[mw2530]

I'm sure similar threads have been started, but I'm getting to a point where I need to seriously consider the possibility that I will be alone for my entire life. That I will never find an intimate partner. I will be 30 years old in less than a month. All my life, even after discovering my ASD, I thought I would find a partner eventually. Now I'm not so sure as there are no guarantees in life. It seems less and less likely as I age. First of all, there are simply substantially less partners available as we get older. Most people are in serious relationships or married and probably have kids by this point in their life. That is simply a matter of fact. And simple math that there is less to choose from. Secondly, I am somewhat picky I'd say. I will not date someone who is overweight and I would need to by physically attracted to someone in order to date a person seriously. Where I live and at my age, it is pretty rare to find someone who is both single and attractive. I'm not being superficial. Physical attraction is a big part of a relationship in my mind. I'm fairly handsome so it's not like there would be a double standard. Then of course there needs to be compatibility with personalities, lifestyle, etc.... It just seems to be nearly impossible when you throw ASD into the mix. I just can't understand how anyone actually gets together. I have been nowhere near close to a real relationship. Then there is life that gets in the way. The majority of my time is spent working so opportunities to meet someone don't come around often. Soon I will be working 60+ hours per week for 3 months straight so you can pretty much throw away those months in terms of opportunities to meet someone. It all just seems hopeless so maybe I'm better off just accepting the fact that I will forever be alone. I just always thought a person would come along who I could share my horribly painful past and for once not be misunderstood. I can do this on this site, but it is a far cry from having someone in my life.

 

[Tom]

The average age to marry worldwide is around 30 so your not exactly hopelessly late. Aspies marry a bit less then NTs but also later on average. Its possible to find a partner in your 30s, 40s or 60s for that matter.

Anyway, the most important thing about a relationship is giving. Unless you get that right and consistent a partner will not feel complete. Think about it more as something to give in to, rather then receive from. Take the lead. Do that and you may find you receive much in return. The relationship worth making long term is the one with a good two way street established. The flip side, being needy, is a big turn off. The new person you meet is not required to accept being saddled with the baggage of your past. If they want to go there, ok. The important thing is the new life you build together.

 

[mw2530]

The new person you meet is not required to accept being saddled with the baggage of your past.

I agree to a certain extent. But to really know and understand someone, I think you need to get to know about a person's past at some point or another. It's not going to be the centerpiece of the relationship, but both individuals past will come out at some point.

 

[pjcnet]

I wish I was almost 30, I'm 48 and have had a few relationships in my past that have been destructive and I'm honestly happier single. Relationships are often overrated and we feel like we must be in one because everyone else is.

 

[Tom]

I agree to a certain extent. But to really know and understand someone, I think you need to get to know about a person's past at some point or another. It's not going to be the centerpiece of the relationship, but both individuals past will come out at some point.

Yes, it may. But its not certain. You can show concern by being interested in the details of the others past, if they want to discuss it. But not all do.

 

[kay]

My dad got married for the first time at 40. I had my first kiss and first real relationship at 40 (genetic thing? I think he was an aspie, too) and I have a lot of cousins older than me who are still single and some who have never dated. One of my NT friends is 46 and has never been in a relationship. Another friend was married 30 years and hated every minute of it and never wants another relationship, ever. You might meet someone at any age, and sometimes you may not ever, and sometimes you might have early but regretted it. It's all weird. I always give the same advice. Just go do things you enjoy and talk to people you like talking to and don't worry too much about a date. Don't give up exactly either.

 

[mw2530]

Relationships are often overrated and we feel like we must be in one because everyone else is.

Relationships are overrated - I disagree. Unhealthy and unhappy relationships are overrated. I can't think of anything more fulfilling and satisfying than to be in love with someone where both partners improve each others lives. Yes, there is a lot of pressure for people to be in relationships, but that isn't why I would like to be in one. I couldn't give a rip what others think about how I live my life.

 

[mw2530]

And I know everyone is trying to help by saying that people get married in their 40's, 50's etc... Does not really make me feel any better. The fact that I may have to wait decades is quite depressing and seems quite unfair. When the majority of people at least get to experience a relationship or likely many during their 20's if not before then. And are able to learn from these experiences.

 

[Kari_Cookie]

If you are able to find one with all the personalities you want, and assume she loves you, and willing to understand and support you. What would you do for her? Do you think you can support her when she needs you? And willing to do things for her when she’s depression? Just curious

 

[SusanLR]

I never really felt the need to be in relationship such as living together or married.
I have felt the 'in love' emotion a couple of times
but mainly the relationships could be called a combination of best friend and boyfriend rolled into one.
I just never related to the girlfriend socialising scene.
So I could relate more to a guy as a friend and enjoyed their company.
Ultimately the relationship always fell apart anyway.

I am living with an elderly man now for the first time in my life. Both agreeing to house share living expenses and help each other in aspects of life. There is no deep loving emotions on my behalf and no actions of it from him even though he says he cares.

If I had the money to live as I want I'm sure I would be living alone. This living together experience has felt suffocating to me. I want the feeling of freedom to do what I want, when I want.
I feel I've lost control of my life and yes, someone has to give in and it's usually me.
If he does, it's with a feeling it's not because he wants to then sulks.
I constantly feel I must act a certain way to please him.
If I didn't, I think he would walk. So I am never comfortable because I can't just be me.
He's far from showing love and if I show depression he just says to toughen up, that's life. When sometimes I would just love to feel loved. Like someone cares.

So coming from one here who feels that living together is not my happy place...
I think we are both too old and set in our ways to want the change. And neither of us has ever been married, or lived with anyone except our parents and we were both only children.

I wish for those who want a good relationship to find it.
Just giving reasons it didn't happen for me.

 

[Suzanne]

It is easy to make assumptions, when surrounded by the negative that our brain confirms. I do it with being a parent. It seems EVERYONE is a parent or going to be and that can be difficult to accept and tends to make me feel very much alone and yet, at the same time, my age is now 48 and so, it would be grossily unfair to have a child at my age.

Marriage or just having someone in your life, does not actually automatically fill the void of lonliness, unless you have a particularly good relationship going.

The key is actually finding happiness as a single person and believe it or not, but that will be very attractive to the opposite sex.

As for you having requirements; there is absolutely nothing odd about that. But you might end up being very surprised if you fell in love with a woman who is obese, because she has a smashing personality.

My husband met me when he was 29 and I know many who got married in their 40's and in fact, there is more chance of you finding a mate, than me every being a mother and that is just doing the maths!

 

[Gayspie]

I am 19 and i crave both a loving partner and a close friend or 3.

I know your feels about being forever lonely...

 

[Kirsty]

Maybe you will find someone in your three month job, but that’s wishful thinking, innit. I feel your pain.

 

[OkRad]

Maybe you do have to accept it.

You are very rigid in your expectations and even if you found someone, that rigidity does not bode well for sustaining a relationship. There may be an intense pause in that rigidity, just out of excitement if you find someone, but we are who we are and extreme rigid lifestyles are very difficult to tamp down long enough to be in relationships ------which always require flexibility.

You may find someone and she may get sick and put on a lot of weight. YOU may get sick and put on a lot of weight. You may get a head injury or she might. You could get cancer and lose a body part or she might......She might have an affair (women are having loads of them according to the Economist), or you might feel suffocated and have one.......

Then, if you have kids----- they might be screechy or fat. Maybe they will have needs which require a lot of help or special schools.....You may lose a job or she might....Then, finally, you will age. And she will age. You might not like how she ages. She might not like how you age.

You are already 30 and though you might think you are "handsome," you won't be much longer.

At 20, you are "good looking". That lasts maybe a decade. By 30, you are "looking good". Big difference. By 40, you are well preserved and by 50, if you spend a lot of time on looks, you are just vain.

The LAST thing that matters in the end is how someone looks. It's how strong and loving they are and how strong and loving you are.

But people , even though they are old and wrinkled, still look to the The Other to stimulate their eyes. There are many other organs at play in a human life other than sexual and visual.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

@mw2530, would it help you to know that the relationship window doesn't necessarily close as soon as you think it does? I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 51. We are now happily married. I hope you don't have to wait that long but, even if you do, it is well worth the wait.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Maybe you do have to accept it.

You are very rigid in your expectations and even if you found someone, that rigidity does not bode well for sustaining a relationship. There may be an intense pause in that rigidity, just out of excitement if you find someone, but we are who we are and extreme rigid lifestyles are very difficult to tamp down long enough to be in relationships ------which always require flexibility.

You may find someone and she may get sick and put on a lot of weight. YOU may get sick and put on a lot of weight. You may get a head injury or she might. You could get cancer and lose a body part or she might......She might have an affair (women are having loads of them according to the Economist), or you might feel suffocated and have one.......

Then, if you have kids----- they might be screechy or fat. Maybe they will have needs which require a lot of help or special schools.....You may lose a job or she might....Then, finally, you will age. And she will age. You might not like how she ages. She might not like how you age.

You are already 30 and though you might think you are "handsome," you won't be much longer.

At 20, you are "good looking". That lasts maybe a decade. By 30, you are "looking good". Big difference. By 40, you are well preserved and by 50, if you spend a lot of time on looks, you are just vain.

The LAST thing that matters in the end is how someone looks. It's how strong and loving they are and how strong and loving you are.

But people , even though they are old and wrinkled, still look to the The Other to stimulate their eyes. There are many other organs at play in a human life other than sexual and visual.

And on that happy note, here's Tom with the weather....

 

[Sid Delicious]

30s seems to be a terrible time for dating, as a lot of people hook up in their 20s and are already taken. However, there are also a lot of break ups when people hit their 40s (kids leave, then they realise they can't stand eachother) so the market opens up a bit as divorce happens.

I'd also add that the 'sexual market' in general in the west has gone downhill due to obesity. I rarely meet single guys that aren't either overweight, don't care at all about their looks (I'm talking basic grooming here) or have gone the other way and want to look like the hulk! There aren't many normal, healthy looking people to date. When I've travelled abroad further than central europe the general population is much better looking well into their 40s and 50s. And not fake appearance, as with make up, surgery, spray tans, high fashion, etc. They are just a lot healthier.

 

[mw2530]

You are very rigid in your expectations and even if you found someone, that rigidity does not bode well for sustaining a relationship.

I'm not sure where to begin with responding to your post, but I think I will have to respond to individual quotes. How am I being rigid with my expectations? I'm sorry, but your comment does not make any sense. I simply said I want to meet someone who I find attractive, and for me that means they generally need to be at a healthy body weight. Is that really so much to ask? I know being overweight seems to be the new norm these days, but if I eat healthy enough to maintain a healthy weight, I don't see why I shouldn't expect that out of a potential partner. When I go throughout my day, I find many women attractive. It is just that most of them are in serious relationships or I simply don't have the communication skills to try and make something happen. Yes, as people age they begin to develop wrinkles, grey hair, etc but that does not have to mean they have to look hideous and undesirable. A lot of us in America don't take care of their health so they age poorly. Aging isn't fun, but if you take care of yourself it will be much easier.

 

[mw2530]

You are already 30 and though you might think you are "handsome," you won't be much longer.

Thanks for making me feel great. I appreciate it. I seem to remember a post that I once read by you saying that men first start looking handsome in their mid 30's. Apparently you like to contradict yourself.

 

[kay]

You don't need to accept being alone for ever, just accept that it may or may not happen. You can go on dating sites, you can join groups for single people and you may never meet anyone. Or you may. And you might not meet them where you thought or how you thought. And they may not even look like you imagined. Or be the age you thought. It could happen never or tomorrow. Which is the same with most anything. Including to tomorrow. It might happen. It might not. Focus on what is good. Ok, yeah, do I take my own advice about life. Of course not. I'm full of anxiety about all sorts of thing. But still, it's not bad advice.