A friend with a son....

[JTaylor]

I have a friend that has a son whom I think has Asperger's. He is 15 now. But I have known them since he was 2. He has been diagnosed with speech delay and possible ADD, according to the mom - years ago. In elementary school he was best friends with my son, but, there were always issues. Temper tantrums over games, no empathy over hurt feelings. He rarely spoke (only to friends), and even now that he speaks more his words are not clear. He does not pronounce his Rs. A teacher in elem school suggested to his mom that something might be wrong, but it angered her. More noticeable in middle school as social situations begin to become more important. My son became embarrassed of him. He is very awkward in social settings. He is not anti-social, he deeply craves, I wouldn't say friendship, but to always have a friend around. In fact, he has certain boys he really likes, one is my son, and he literally follows them wherever they go, bathroom or just 2 steps over. He has been made fun of, and does not realize it. Does not understand jokes, only his own unusual humor. He speaks loudly and extreme monotone in certain situations. Now in high school, much the same as middle school. My son stresses that he loves Austin like a brother, but he is mortified at his behavior often times. He never gets into trouble at school, but he needs a lot of help to pass each course. He is obsessed with video games. I could go on and on, and give a million examples. My advice to my son is to treat him with love and kindness because "something" is different - more than just speech delay and immaturity as his mom explains. I would most certainly lose my "friendship" with this mom giving her my opinion, because its obvious she knows her son is different and is frustrated - but in extreme denial or fear. She has always said how she hopes he will get more mature eventually. I think he is who he is, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I can't help but think he could get help to improve the difficult areas in his life. And if he did get diagnosed with Asbergers, would it even matter now??

 

[wyverary]

Unfortunately, in such a situation, there's not much you can do. It's entirely up to this boy's parents. Yes, this boy could perhaps be getting more help, but parents can be sensitive about their own children, and generally don't like hearing unsolicited "advice" from others. The best you can do is make sure your own son does what you have already instructed him to do: treat him with kindness and empathy.

(by the way, I moved this thread into the Parenting section; hope you don't mind. )

 

[Ereth]

It absolutely would matter if Austin was diagnosed now. He can get immediate support from a professional and learn to control some of his behavior. But as Wyv said, unfortunately, the burden is on his parents.

 

[JTaylor]

Thanks, its good to know I really can't do anything. But it has been a burden at times dealing with my sons emotions about his friend, and what to do. They are both teens now, so my son can better understand. But it hasn't always been easy. This boy wants to be with my son all the time when they are together at the same places, church, ballgames, etc.. And sometimes this hasn't been ok with my son - right or not. And the mom is so sensitive to those issues. With a diagnosis, I just wonder if it wouldn't give her some kind of comfort, and explanation for his behavior - and a plan of action. She has complained about things with him through the years concerning his very picky eating habits, sleepless nights, and immaturity, inability to function in a classroom setting, etc.. I was always hoping a pediatrician would suggest an evaluation to her, but she never took him to a pediatrician except a couple of times when he was very little. He always sees our hometown NP for any health issues. And he's quiet around adults. So it would not be obvious to anyone. Its all just amazing to me - especially since her and I both have another friend whose son was diagnosed with Aspgerbers in elementary school, and she and I have both sat and listened to this women tell us her story.

 

[Ereth]

It sounds to me like the mother just isn't willing to hear that kind of suggestion from anybody, either because she considers it an insult or because she is unwilling to accept that her son's problems are likely not the sort that disappear with maturity. She may be afraid to admit it to herself.

 

[GHA]

Its not only important that he is diagnosed, its equally important for the parents to learn how to support him.. He will learn to coupe up with his challenges better, if the parents know how and why he thinks differently.