A Friend We Never See

[SimonSays]

While I don't really have friends as such, the vast majority of the people I talk to I never see, or have ever seen. Some of them I can't say for sure whether they are male or female. I'm simply talking to the words that appear on the screen. All that matters is what they say. And yet with so much missing, can we really be friends?

We might have common interests, and can hang around each other online easily, but in the virtual world it's a lot easier to do that than in the real one. I can disappear without formality the moment I decide I’ve had enough. There's a lovely freedom in that.

I've had physical friends before. There's a lot more potential. I get to see them laugh, see their facial expressions and body language change, and we have conversations in real time. We could do that virtually of course, video messaging is very convenient, but it is not the same.

Obviously there are some we'd never have met had we not been able to come across each other online, and there is something wonderful about finding people of like mind we would never meet in real life. But then I would never have known you were out there before the Internet anyway.

People say they have Facebook ‘friends’, and we have forum friends, but even the meaning of the word ‘friend’ seems to have changed. Does it count unless we see them in real life? That's why I've made an effort to physically see some of those I felt connected to after having met them virtually.

I remember when having a friend meant going out for a walk or a drink or a meal. Watching a film, listening to music. This is how it used to be. And that's why when I was growing up there were so few of them for me.

Is this a 21st-century version of friendship, especially for those who don't usually do friendship well, or are we deluding ourselves in knowing people we will probably never meet and calling them friend?

 

[SusanLR]

The internal emotions can be the same, so the connection is there.
The feeling of friendship is present.
And just as in real life, that feeling can come and go as you learn more about each other.

So it is a type of friendship.
More than an imaginery friend and less than real life.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Most of my friends are online. It's a strange, if unsettling feeling that those I'm closest to are furthest away.

People at work and in the town I live are little more than acquaintances.

Ed

 

[Aneka]

While I don't really have friends as such, the vast majority of the people I talk to I never see, or have ever seen. Some of them I can't say for sure whether they are male or female. I'm simply talking to the words that appear on the screen. All that matters is what they say. And yet with so much missing, can we really be friends?

We might have common interests, and can hang around each other online easily, but in the virtual world it's a lot easier to do that than in the real one. I can disappear without formality the moment I decide I’ve had enough. There's a lovely freedom in that.

I've had physical friends before. There's a lot more potential. I get to see them laugh, see their facial expressions and body language change, and we have conversations in real time. We could do that virtually of course, video messaging is very convenient, but it is not the same.

Obviously there are some we'd never have met had we not been able to come across each other online, and there is something wonderful about finding people of like mind we would never meet in real life. But then I would never have known you were out there before the Internet anyway.

People say they have Facebook ‘friends’, and we have forum friends, but even the meaning of the word ‘friend’ seems to have changed. Does it count unless we see them in real life? That's why I've made an effort to physically see some of those I felt connected to after having met them virtually.

I remember when having a friend meant going out for a walk or a drink or a meal. Watching a film, listening to music. This is how it used to be. And that's why when I was growing up there were so few of them for me.

Is this a 21st-century version of friendship, especially for those who don't usually do friendship well, or are we deluding ourselves in knowing people we will probably never meet and calling them friend?

Friendship is only possible off screen. Friendship only blooms face to face.

 

[SimonSays]

So it is a type of friendship.
More than an imaginery friend and less than real life.

I like the way you put that.

Sometimes it does feel like an online friend is an imaginary friend. But I agree it doesn't make it any less of a real experience, only different.

 

[SimonSays]

Friendship is only possible off screen. Friendship only blooms face to face.

I found those online friends I was able to meet, developed into quite a different kind of relationship than had been present while we had remained online friends only. So you might be right.

But you're saying it's only possible for a friendship to bloom face-to-face. I would tend to agree with that. that has been my experience, all except one instance, where, several years went by while we only interacted online, and I felt our connection really evolved during this time. I still went to meet him eventually though. It was too important not to.

 

[Gift2humanity]

While I don't really have friends as such, the vast majority of the people I talk to I never see, or have ever seen. Some of them I can't say for sure whether they are male or female. I'm simply talking to the words that appear on the screen. All that matters is what they say. And yet with so much missing, can we really be friends?

Interesting question.

We might have common interests, and can hang around each other online easily, but in the virtual world it's a lot easier to do that than in the real one. I can disappear without formality the moment I decide I’ve had enough. There's a lovely freedom in that.

For us autistic people, in many respects, it can be easier to interact online, not in real time, as text is less immediate, time to formulate responses.
Even in real time, say instant messenger, or over video, as the energy of the persons comes through different to being physically with them, not talking better or worse, just different, and some friendships can bloom into good offline friendships, or even relationships.

I've had physical friends before. There's a lot more potential. I get to see them laugh, see their facial expressions and body language change, and we have conversations in real time. We could do that virtually of course, video messaging is very convenient, but it is not the same.

Yes.

Obviously there are some we'd never have met had we not been able to come across each other online, and there is something wonderful about finding people of like mind we would never meet in real life. But then I would never have known you were out there before the Internet anyway.

Thank God for the internet.
It's easier to find like minded people, all we have to do is google places online where we know we will meet people who share our interests.
Yes, without the internet, those people who meet online would not know that each other exists.

People say they have Facebook ‘friends’, and we have forum friends, but even the meaning of the word ‘friend’ seems to have changed. Does it count unless we see them in real life? That's why I've made an effort to physically see some of those I felt connected to after having met them virtually.

Obviously there are real friends on Facebook etc, however, I think the word "friends" is used more loosely, in, say, a Facebook context, for example, an ex work colleague/someone from school who were more acquaintances.

I remember when having a friend meant going out for a walk or a drink or a meal. Watching a film, listening to music. This is how it used to be. And that's why when I was growing up there were so few of them for me.

Me too, a friend was just someone to "be with" back then, now I know the real meaning of the word "friend".

Is this a 21st-century version of friendship, especially for those who don't usually do friendship well, or are we deluding ourselves in knowing people we will probably never meet and calling them friend?

As above, the word "friend" is used more loosely in the context of the large numbers of Facebook friends people have for instance.

The internal emotions can be the same, so the connection is there.
The feeling of friendship is present.
And just as in real life, that feeling can come and go as you learn more about each other.

So it is a type of friendship.
More than an imaginery friend and less than real life.

Most of my friends are online. It's a strange, if unsettling feeling that those I'm closest to are furthest away.

People at work and in the town I live are little more than acquaintances.

Ed

It's good that you have formed friendships online, sorry the people in real life do not feel like real friends to you.
A real friend is someone who you can mutually respect, be honest with, and who is there for you when the chips are down and vice versa for them too.

Friendship is only possible off screen. Friendship only blooms face to face.

No, how about two bed-ridden people on opposite sides of the earth, who form a long companionship online? This might be the only connection they may have.

I like the way you put that.

Sometimes it does feel like an online friend is an imaginary friend. But I agree it doesn't make it any less of a real experience, only different.

I found those online friends I was able to meet, developed into quite a different kind of relationship than had been present while we had remained online friends only. So you might be right.

But you're saying it's only possible for a friendship to bloom face-to-face. I would tend to agree with that. that has been my experience, all except one instance, where, several years went by while we only interacted online, and I felt our connection really evolved during this time. I still went to meet him eventually though. It was too important not to.

Maybe things are different for NT's than us?
On spectrum or NT, though, while this is just an idea, you might meet two online friends, get on better with one friend online, and get on better with the other offline, depending on yours and their personalities, etc.

 

[SimonSays]

Most of my friends are online. It's a strange, if unsettling feeling that those I'm closest to are furthest away.

People at work and in the town I live are little more than acquaintances.

Ed

That is how it used to be for me too. It's hard to imagine there was a time when we didn't have friends online. There was no online. If you didn't go to a club, or get involved in some group, or have friends from school, you didn't meet anybody. I'm sure things would have been different for me as a kid if I had access to the Internet than having to spend all those years on my own. I didn't mind being on my own but I didn't really know anything different. I saw people playing with each other, meeting up after school, hanging out in groups, I just never did that.

The Internet levels the playing field. and as @Gift2humanity mentioned, we have time to formulate our answers, to say what we want to say without feeling pressured or rushed, to not have to let our issues interfere with how we communicate. But it is nice to be in the physical presence of someone you get on with though. to share the same moment. I still like to have that sometimes.

 

[SimonSays]

I remember back in the early 80s, when CB radio was all the rage. I had a go..."1-4 for a copy". I knew all the lingo. I had a powerful rig and antenna set up in my bedroom. It was sort of like fishing. You never knew if anyone was out there, cast your signal into the ether, and see if anyone answered. I could then have a meaningless conversation with a stranger, up to 10 or 15 miles away. Most of these brief interactions consisted of checking how strong the signal was and whether they could hear me. But it was interaction.

I was using the American AM radio version rather than the British FM version which was too weak and nobody was on it. Some people put them into their cars, just like the truckers did who warn each other of traffic jams or police speed checks. I liked the randomness of not knowing who you would pick up, and there were a few who became familiar, and one who I met in a pub for a drink one time.

But, if you were lucky, and tuned into an existing conversation, all you had to do was say "on the side" and if they recognised you, you could join in the conversation. You could just listen of course and they wouldn't know you were there. A forerunner of what we now do on forums you might say.

 

[OkRad]

I perplexed over this until i saw a report in which a man was trying to prove that gaming was causing serious troubles. Turned out that the same areas of the brain are triggered when people feel friends on or offline. Neuroscience really matters and it's something we are just starting to understand. The only trouble comes is when you think you are feeling something deeper than another, but that happens on or offline.

 

[The Pandector]

Good conversation. Agree with just about everything said. I'd add that using the term 'friend' in this conversation is counterproductive; just another good word ripped off by a sorry segment of counterculture.

To me as a budding autist, there are two main differences between in-person and remote relationships. One is the ability (or lack of) to decouple from the immediacy of time. You guys have commented on how this benefits the aspie.

The other variable is accountability. I constantly make the mistake of taking people at their word; this includes, when need be, holding people accountable for their words. I do make every effort to take responsibility for my own. This isn't virtue, it's necessity--language is the only somewhat reliable social tool in my kit... but it's value is proportional to my own credibility. So I have no choice but to care about what I say.

You see where this is headed. If your other is physically present in your life, your words and your behavior must be consistent and conform to reality (whose popularity is failing as the virtual world expands exponentially.) If the other only knows of you what you present to them in language, and in the context you provide, then you can pretend to be whomever you can dream up. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of humans out there who confuse themselves with the person they pretend to be in text.

I propose a ratio. How available a person is to friendship is proportional to the integrity with which they present themselves. This is true whether the person is present or remote.

 

[clg114]

The friends that I have are almost always associated with a activity. Back in my younger days, they were riding/racing buddies. These days I know people that I golf with, people that I shoot with, people that I go off-roading with and so on. Some of these people would not golf because it looks easy and boring on TV. Some of them would not touch a firearm much less shoot one. Some of them would not drive off road because it looks dangerous. To each his own.

 

[SimonSays]

The friends that I have are almost always associated with a activity. Back in my younger days, they were riding/racing buddies. These days I know people that I golf with, people that I shoot with, people that I go off-roading with and so on. Some of these people would not golf because it looks easy and boring on TV. Some of them would not touch a firearm much less shoot one. Some of them would not drive off road because it looks dangerous. To each his own.

I like the sound of all that.

I got to do shooting for the first time in MN (we don't have access to guns like that in the UK). Great fun. Tried many, including Magnum 44 (too powerful) but I got to play with all my ex-father-in-law's collection. Loved it.

 

[Au Naturel]

I like the sound of all that.

I got to do shooting for the first time in MN (we don't have access to guns like that in the UK). Great fun. Tried many, including Magnum 44 (too powerful) but I got to play with all my ex-father-in-law's collection. Loved it.

LOL! Grew up in a home with guns. Every house for miles had guns. Carried a gun as armed security for years and then there was the military. Taught daughter and son both to shoot at a very young age even became a firearms instructor so my son's boy scout troop could work on the shooting merit badges. She kept it up, he didn't. She's also into archery and swords as a Viking reenactor.

I probably have enough firearms to start a revolution in a small South American country.

 

[Fino]

I think calling an internet friend an "internet friend" puts it in the proper perspective.

But it also depends how much time you spend with an internet friend, just like a real friendship. When I was a teenager, I spent hours every night with my internet friends and so they felt like real friends and I remember them as real friends.

 

[SimonSays]

Yes, how it feels interacting rather than whether things are shared outside in real life is what matters. The feeling of connection.

It can actually be quite hard for everyone to physically meet up at the same time. Often it has to be a special occasion to make it happen. But in the virtual world, those we want to communicate with, share with, we can do so anytime we feel like it without having to ensure they will be available to be there and receive it.

Perhaps the internal emotions can be realer because the reality is we can spend far more time with a virtual friend than a physical one. We actually know them better having never met them.

 

[Sherlock77]

I generally prefer face-to-face friendships and interactions and struggle with online chat rooms...

 

[Major Tom]

I've met a few good people I'd call real friends online, but you are right, the majority are aquaintences at best. I remember the good old days, when I had actually quite a few real life friends and look back on them fondly.

 

[Penumbra]

My best friend and I have never spoken to each other. Neither of us like phone calls and we live too far away. We just type to each other. I'm sure it appears too distant for a true friendship on the surface, but no one other than my fiance is that close with me. I'm sure if we lived nearby we'd hang out in-person though.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I meet my friends online now and I hate it. We rarely meet in person but even in person many won't show up except for the same few people mostly if not all guys which ticked me off as I joined Co-ed groups.

Thinking virtual would be different its exactly the same with the same few attendants, guys and junk.

Back in the 90s when I had no friends I meet people online using Yahoo chat. I actually meet sone people and it was interesting. Was not interested was I meet a girl from another country but she ended up married someone else from Utah she also meet on Yahoo chat. I was ticked off and bitter. Never spoke to her again.

It seems that there are no real people available. Online makes no difference its the same old same people and guys only show ups. I pretty much giving up in an relationship and making more friends.