A Flower That Never Bloomed

[docamian]

Hello, my name is Annie, and I discovered I had autism in my 20s. I'm also HIGHLY sensitive, and have always been really affected by any kind of judgment, annoyance, impatience, and anger in others. It would also really affect me when, in some way, I'd be singled out as being different. I did, of course, tend to stick out and learned very young to mask and hide. My social anxiety and low social confidence was so severe I was one of the quietest girls you'd meet until I reached college age, when I finally felt like I was experiencing some actual social skills growth.

I did always realize that I had quite a divide between how I portrayed myself in the outer world around people and the person I truly was on the inside. I felt stuck inside, too vulnerable and unsafe to show my full self and true colors. And that's a survival technique! When you don't have the tools or assistance in order to function in life, you have to use the route of a coping mechanism. I obviously had no help in my childhood and I so wish any adult could have recognized that there was something significant going on with me and gotten the answers so that I could have had more of a chance at acclimating to life.

Consequently, and quite unfortunately, I have not yet acclimated and integrated. That divide in myself, preventing me from blossoming and fully engaging with life and people, has been the central obstacle of my life....the primary objective, the need that needed to be attended to. I needed to find a way to cross that chasm, to bring my soul into the world around me. And I tried. I went out into the world, moved out for the first time to a big city with a friend. (Not a good move - she told me AFTER I arrived there that she liked where she was at and no longer wished to find a place to rent with me and I should find my own place. And I went along with that because I was a people pleaser. So I was in San Francisco all on my own, for the most part. And boy was it STRESSFUL)

I ended up becoming quite depressed and felt like it just wasn't working out. So I moved in with my father, who I hardly knew, in order to work on my mental health and again, work on my breakthrough. I was already feeling in very low spirits about life and lack of close relationships, not being able to truly connect with anyone. Turns out he was not a good person for me to be around at that time....he was very negative about life and had habits that kept people, including his own daughter, at a distance. So we could not connect and I felt like I didn't belong there. In fact, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, that my chances at developing properly were quickly slipping away from me, that I would never be able to be myself and fulfill my potential, that I was just too different to be able to connect with people. I fell into an unrelenting pit of depression and began experiencing feelings of unreality and altered sense of self, which would grow into a monster that fed upon my soul - a dissociative condition called depersonalization/derealization.

Long story short, I experienced many different stressors further along the way, moved from place to place, and eventually landed back at my mom and stepdad's, which was my last option - absolutely hated it there. At that point I had nearly ceased being able to function in real life and it took me many years to get a handle on my mental health well enough to feebly get back out in the world. I've yearned and tried to get out of that living situation again. I've spent nearly a decade back with my parents, a place that is stressful and life-sucking for me. I don't believe that I could jump into living on my own again. Unfortunately, the friends I do have are not available to room with. So the other option is going back with my dad, and I believe it'll work out this time around, as I'm not raw and going through a major existential crisis. He needs to make a move as well. We've tried and tried to find a place to rent but have come up on the short end of the stick.
So that's my story. If interested, check out my GoFundMe to assist with the move, any little bit helps Help with Securing A Place to Live, organized by Annie K

Do you feel stuck inside yourself? What is your story on that, or how have you been able to overcome it?

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I'm proud of you for trying so hard and staying alive in spite of it all, good job!

I can relate to your story. Thanks for sharing, I hope things get better for you.

 

[watersprite]

Welcome

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. Hopefully the tides will turn and good karma will be coming your way soon.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

To address the op the turning point for me was seeking out professional help. I went first to a place called compass house. I learned there that I would need a referral from a mental health pro to gain admission. They told me where to go and I started a journey towards recovery through my local county mental health office.

I got a lot of help there, I got on snap benefits and gained about 20lbs in the first six weeks. I got in to see a doctor, got on meds for high blood pressure, and got to go to the dentist for the first time in a decade.

CBT is what they call the type of therapy I did, it helped me out alot. I went for about a year. I started doing yoga once a week, also free, and that helped me get free of the chronic pain issues I had.

With the help of the therapy I found enough confidence and security to start going to a local New Thought church, and I really like it. I made new friends. We are still friends today.

The church thing is great, I suggest it often. It can offer a safe place and a sense of belonging too. Church is not for everyone, and I know. Our reverend is a wise woman and kind. one of her associates has a doctorate, so we call her rev dr_____. She is a published author. It's an open and accepting community. I volunteer there too, just setup and now I am learning how to do the sound stuff. We do a net broadcast.

I became a member of compass house eventually and started to volunteer there. Compass house is a worldwide organization for people with serious mental health issues, and developmental disabilities, who are not violent. That's why you need a referral to join, it's for vetment.

I found solace and value in serving others. People respect me there. They dont care if I get twitchy or stim with my hands or rock back and forth. We started a community garden plot.

And $1.50 for lunch there at the clubhouse is hard to turn down.

 

[Aspychata]

I need a go fund me too. I have moved seven times, and am constantly living around deadbeats. I understand your post. Constantly have men trying to shove their agenda of being their personal slave- no thanks.

I would rather be poor.

Welcome, feel free to private post if you need support.

 

[Nitro]

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome here, Annie.

I was an only child that never really bloomed either and I know how that depersonalization feels.
Hate it, but, learned to cope with it when it hits.
The thing with me was I had a good home life. Very caring parents.
I was content staying home with them and never being able to really connect with other people,
that was my way of life.
I had all the freedom to do what I wanted and went to University, then became a pharmacist and
did modeling work for Barbizon in my 20's.

I never felt comfortable living with anyone except my parents and being asexual I never had the
desire to move in with a partner or have children.
And I certainly didn't feel I could live alone.
Even living the life I was comfortable with I still had a rough time in my 30's with panic attacks
and anxiety.
The worst part of living this lifestyle was when I knew someday I would probably be left alone
if I out lived my parents and that's exactly what happened.
By that time, I was on disability and that isn't enough to live anywhere on.
I had to move in with someone I knew who offered me a place to live in part of his large
home at a price I could afford.
He was an older man who didn't feel safe living alone and just wanted nothing more than
companionship and a little help around the house. He had a bad disposition though.
I've lived this way now with him for nine years and it's never gotten any better.
I still feel I'm in the world on my own alone and can't connect with other people.
That isn't a good feeling, but, for the most of my life I've lived how I wanted and
the best thing was I felt loved and not alone like I do now.

I hope you can find a closeness with your Dad since you have chosen this for now at least.
And you never know how you may grow and change as time goes by!

 

[tree]

 

[Errmegerrd]

Wow Annie. You’re a remarkable person! It’s unimaginably hard to cope without support. I know what you mean when you say you wish any adult would have noticed your struggles. I agree with Skittles that seeking professional help is a great first step. They can give you new tools that could help with finding a healthy home. Someone once said to me “you can’t heal in the same environment that makes you sick”. That always stuck with me and helped remind me what I fight so hard for.

You have an incredible amount of insight and you write beautifully. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[Giant Hogweed]

So that's my story.

Annie you sound a lot like me and I want to hug you and say I see and hear you and that I respect your quietness and reserve. I think you write very well. I am a poet myself. God bless.

Annie I tried to donate but the Go Fund Me site has a lot of analytical cookies on it which my browser won't allow. Is there another way to donate?

 

[Wulven]

Sup. Ever try music to help you?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I feel for what you are struggling with. With severe social anxiety as a teen and young adult I was isolated, probably a lot of self isolation to avoid feeling judged. My energies at the time went into my studies and getting a career started as I wanted to be out of my parent's house at the earliest. Feeling profoundly lonely I started assessing myself for what I describe as putting myself together. I really was not my own person, feeling whipsawed by other's expectations, so I learned how to have my own voice and advocate for myself. At that time I was also rewriting my internal negative feelings about myself since by that time I had some positive accomplishments and read about body language, trying to present myself better to start a relationship and perhaps experience some intimacy. Setbacks still happened and all of this took several years. But during that time I did activities with groups that fed into my special interests and became more comfortable with people. Memories of those struggles still hurt decades later and I am getting help for that.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I need a go fund me too. I have moved seven times, and am constantly living around deadbeats. I understand your post. Constantly have men trying to shove their agenda of being their personal slave- no thanks.

I would rather be poor.

Welcome, feel free to private post if you need support.

DAMN!! Who are the men like that? Ever since I can remember I would look at girls/women as peers where I had to bring to the table the ability to act in partnership. Perhaps I was too hypersensitive about that to the point that I feared to act inappropriately towards girls/women and so had a hard time acting at all. That likely cost me my first real relationship as she probably wanted greater intimacy and I didn't know when it was appropriate to act. My loss.

 

[unperson]

 

[Au Naturel]

To address the op the turning point for me was seeking out professional help. I went first to a place called compass house. I learned there that I would need a referral from a mental health pro to gain admission. They told me where to go and I started a journey towards recovery through my local county mental health office.

I got a lot of help there, I got on snap benefits and gained about 20lbs in the first six weeks. I got in to see a doctor, got on meds for high blood pressure, and got to go to the dentist for the first time in a decade.

CBT is what they call the type of therapy I did, it helped me out alot. I went for about a year. I started doing yoga once a week, also free, and that helped me get free of the chronic pain issues I had.

With the help of the therapy I found enough confidence and security to start going to a local New Thought church, and I really like it. I made new friends. We are still friends today.

The church thing is great, I suggest it often. It can offer a safe place and a sense of belonging too. Church is not for everyone, and I know. Our reverend is a wise woman and kind. one of her associates has a doctorate, so we call her rev dr_____. She is a published author. It's an open and accepting community. I volunteer there too, just setup and now I am learning how to do the sound stuff. We do a net broadcast.

I became a member of compass house eventually and started to volunteer there. Compass house is a worldwide organization for people with serious mental health issues, and developmental disabilities, who are not violent. That's why you need a referral to join, it's for vetment.

I found solace and value in serving others. People respect me there. They dont care if I get twitchy or stim with my hands or rock back and forth. We started a community garden plot.

And $1.50 for lunch there at the clubhouse is hard to turn down.

CBT is really good stuff.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

 

[Derek Jeffries]

Hello, my name is Annie, and I discovered I had autism in my 20s. I'm also HIGHLY sensitive, and have always been really affected by any kind of judgment, annoyance, impatience, and anger in others. It would also really affect me when, in some way, I'd be singled out as being different. I did, of course, tend to stick out and learned very young to mask and hide. My social anxiety and low social confidence was so severe I was one of the quietest girls you'd meet until I reached college age, when I finally felt like I was experiencing some actual social skills growth.

I did always realize that I had quite a divide between how I portrayed myself in the outer world around people and the person I truly was on the inside. I felt stuck inside, too vulnerable and unsafe to show my full self and true colors. And that's a survival technique! When you don't have the tools or assistance in order to function in life, you have to use the route of a coping mechanism. I obviously had no help in my childhood and I so wish any adult could have recognized that there was something significant going on with me and gotten the answers so that I could have had more of a chance at acclimating to life.

Consequently, and quite unfortunately, I have not yet acclimated and integrated. That divide in myself, preventing me from blossoming and fully engaging with life and people, has been the central obstacle of my life....the primary objective, the need that needed to be attended to. I needed to find a way to cross that chasm, to bring my soul into the world around me. And I tried. I went out into the world, moved out for the first time to a big city with a friend. (Not a good move - she told me AFTER I arrived there that she liked where she was at and no longer wished to find a place to rent with me and I should find my own place. And I went along with that because I was a people pleaser. So I was in San Francisco all on my own, for the most part. And boy was it STRESSFUL)

I ended up becoming quite depressed and felt like it just wasn't working out. So I moved in with my father, who I hardly knew, in order to work on my mental health and again, work on my breakthrough. I was already feeling in very low spirits about life and lack of close relationships, not being able to truly connect with anyone. Turns out he was not a good person for me to be around at that time....he was very negative about life and had habits that kept people, including his own daughter, at a distance. So we could not connect and I felt like I didn't belong there. In fact, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, that my chances at developing properly were quickly slipping away from me, that I would never be able to be myself and fulfill my potential, that I was just too different to be able to connect with people. I fell into an unrelenting pit of depression and began experiencing feelings of unreality and altered sense of self, which would grow into a monster that fed upon my soul - a dissociative condition called depersonalization/derealization.

Long story short, I experienced many different stressors further along the way, moved from place to place, and eventually landed back at my mom and stepdad's, which was my last option - absolutely hated it there. At that point I had nearly ceased being able to function in real life and it took me many years to get a handle on my mental health well enough to feebly get back out in the world. I've yearned and tried to get out of that living situation again. I've spent nearly a decade back with my parents, a place that is stressful and life-sucking for me. I don't believe that I could jump into living on my own again. Unfortunately, the friends I do have are not available to room with. So the other option is going back with my dad, and I believe it'll work out this time around, as I'm not raw and going through a major existential crisis. He needs to make a move as well. We've tried and tried to find a place to rent but have come up on the short end of the stick.
So that's my story. If interested, check out my GoFundMe to assist with the move, any little bit helps Help with Securing A Place to Live, organized by Annie K

Do you feel stuck inside yourself? What is your story on that, or how have you been able to overcome it?

I think this is the defining charactaristic of what its like to be autistic. The gap between your actual self and the way you engage with the world.