A different kind of isolation

[Pariah Dog]

I got to thinking tonight as I was at a social function of mostly 30 somethings. Almost everyone there was a stranger to me so of course that didn't go well as I don't drum up conversation easily. Something I realized though is that I am 31 years old but I feel like I'm much younger than all these people. Now, that is nothing new because I have been starting to feel that way in the presence of my peers for probably more than a couple of years now. I think it has a lot do with that by my age people have had several relationships and partners, many have kids and are firmly rooted in adulthood. I have been in one relationship for 8 years it was bad for most of that. She became a dictator with no interest in the world beyond controlling my every aspect and never letting me go until I took drastic measures to get free. I have never dated or anything outside of that. I think there is so much about life which 30 somethings take for granted which is still so alien to me. There is probably more to why I feel this way which hasn't come clear to me yet.

So that part is not new. What is new is the realization of how this creates another kind of isolation I have never thought of before. I don't fit in with people in their 30's for the most part. No matter how much they accept me I don't feel as one of them. I sometimes think about the idea of dating a woman the same age as I. It's incredibly difficult to even conceptualize. It would feel like trying to land a cougar when you are 19 (which is something most boys would be too afraid to do I'm sure, myself included). Remember how people in your 30's seemed to you when you were a teen or maybe just over 20? They are not exactly old yet too old to be your peer or someone you can relate to completely. I still look at them through the same set of eyes. On the flip side of that it's not exactly like I relate that well to much younger people. I'm sure as hell not interested in typical teen things like pop culture and such. I find the group of people I most easily relate to are early 20's, who are no longer interested in partying (or never were), and have a wide range of interests. I think the fact that I look several years younger than my actual age makes this situation not as bad some how.

Can anyone else relate to that idea or something like it?

On a note for that social function. I was starkly reminded of a picture I recently saw on the forum here saying something about "being surrounded by people yet being completely alone."

 

[xudo]

I find the group of people I most easily relate to are early 20's, who are no longer interested in partying (or never were), and have a wide range of interests. I think the fact that I look several years younger than my actual age makes this situation not as bad some how.

I am exactly the same, although it doesn't bother me in any way that I don't 'fit in' with most people of my age. I'm 31 and my husband is 32, and neither of us are really 'proper' adults iykwim? We can be quite immature sometimes (read: a lot of the time) and we're still into a lot of stuff that I think many our age would think we should have left behind by now. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have around my age are for the most part pretty similar and share a lot of the same interests. Having said that, all of them function as 'proper' adults a hell of a lot better than I do.

 

[WereBear]

"Adulting" is simply being responsible for oneself; which a child cannot do.

We don't have to marry, have children, or a "career." Yes, these are metrics dear to many (not all) NTs, but we get a total pass on that thanks to all the energy we burn just trying to adapt to the messy world that does not acknowledge us very much.

While I am astonished I have reached the zone where the concept of retirement is within the next decade, I am still "young at heart." I can routinely get as enthused as a preschool child about things, and wouldn't change that for the world. Though, believe me, the world has tried.

I am also embarking on the next phase of an exciting new enterprise, and hope to live long enough to see it fully flower and reap the rewards.

All of this is unusual for my time of life, which some people use to wind down, not start up. But frankly, it has taken this long to sort enough things out for me to reach this point. Other people have the advantages of fitting in without difficulty, accept the choices on offer for them, and perhaps actually want the life template handed to them.

I've been going it alone. It's like the difference between bushwhacking without a trail and getting on a highway with the car your parents got you as a graduation present.

The highway can look better, when we see so many people on it. But there's no engagement with nature. So I'm happy to put on my backpack, consult my compass for True Wishes, and make my own way.

 

[Suzanne]

I am horribly 47 now and I neither look that age, nor act that age and so, when I am surrounded by females who are my age and a little younger, I feel that I want to shrink into a corner, for I just cannot relate to them.

I spend too much time in a crowd, but feeling totally alone; not a nice feeling at all.

 

[OlLiE]

i don't use age as a metric, i move towards people that i enjoy speaking to irrespective of their 'category',
i'm not really bothered by what groups of people that that moves me away from, why bother

i prefer to try and focus on what i enjoy

 

[Judge]

I've lived in near isolation since 2008. Quite frankly I can't even relate to age factors as whether or not I would blend in with my peers since I have no routine contact with much of anyone.

Does it really matter to me? Not at the moment.

 

[kay]

I feel much younger than people my age (45) in some respects. I don't have the same life experiences as most of them and I think that contributes to the feeling. There is however something else about them that makes them seem old to me and me young in comparison. Most people seem to get caught up in conformity and lose any curiosity and enthusiasm they might have once had.

The odd thing is, I feel most comfortable around people 20+ years older than me. Mostly men. There are these guys that just don't quite grow up (in a good way) and get more fun as they get older. My bf and his friends who are 20+ years older than he are interesting, fun, and slightly eccentric. These guys don't find me strange or immature. They think I'm smart. The same things about me that people my own age, particularly women, always see as a negative childishness these older guys see as maturity. Weird, huh?

I do have two female friends. One who has not led a "normal" life, is my age, and has an incredible sense of humor. The other woman is 70+, prefers animals to people, and had a pet cow when she was a kid that she would ride down the road.

 

[Chance]

I feel and am attracted to things not relevant maybe to people my age. Maybe I still act more like a very young adult than a mature man. I don't mind it. I enjoy it.

I always feel younger than my real age. I am always told I look way younger than my real age... so maybe it's part of how we feel inside.

I stay up with current music, technology, and cars... where as most of my friends are stuck in the 90's It seems they reminisce about their good old days and I just experience days of current stuff more often than not.

 

[mw2530]

I am 29 and can relate to what you speak about to some extent. I cannot really relate to many people my age especially if they are already married and have kids. Both of those seem so far off for me because I have never been in a relationship and have only went on a few dates in my life. Although I want to get married or at least be in a relationship and possibly have kids I have great concern that the older I get the more difficult that will become. For a long time I didn't really have much interest in dating, but for the last 5 or 6 years my anxiety and lack of social skills have gotten in the way which as caused tremendous pain and suffering. I not sure what age group I relate to most. I think it has more to do with who the person is than their age group. I will say that I seem to be able to talk more easily with either kids or people decades older than me for some reason. It seems to be common for those with ASD to look younger than their age. Not sure why this is. I probably look a little younger than my age or around my age. I try to eat healthy and I exercise a lot so that probably helps out some. But many NT's do the same.