A desperate cry for advice and guidance.

[Perkinsj88]

I have been married for what will be 6 years this September. We have won out against all odds to even make it this long. I am now approaching the age of 25 and she is heading towards 27. Yes, we married at a young age because she became pregnant with our daughter. This led to our marriage because I was intent to not follow my father?s footsteps that he left when he abandoned me and my mother when I was just 2 years of age. The thing is, I had not even a shred of an idea that I suffered from Aspeger Syndrome. I thought I was suffering from Depression and Social Anxiety as the doctors told me I was (Whole other huge problem I now face)
In fact, only 4 days? time has passed since I stumbled on this self-discovery, what I see as the most significant event in my life and I expressed it as such when I broke the news to my wife. Apparently, she does not have the ability to trust that I know, I KNOW, this is my condition. She has to have this confirmed by a doctor. This need I see as her saying something along the lines of this "I hear you telling me you have it, unfortunately I can't accept it until a person that really will never understand my inner workings AKA medical doctor deems my findings as truthful. I presented this to her and she agreed for the most part this was the case. Now I have come face to face with what could be the most difficult time in my life. I was filled with an intense happiness and excitement at my discovery, unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am continuing my search to understand this new found condition I have in what she sees in a unhealthy and unfair way. I am obsessed with understanding my condition, the reason behind always being different and rejected. Perhaps obsession is indeed an unhealthy way of pursuing this, I do not discard this idea. She wants me to "be present" in her words, it all boils down to she wants me to abandon my efforts and just "make better choices" (It's not a fu%^ing choice). Her reasons behind this are selfish, she tries to use the kids as an excuse. Such as She says I must go to the store to get some food, I ask why should I waste any more energy trying to show you something you will never see nor appreciate, she responds with this "Our kids NEEEEEED FOOOD, that?s why" So...I stop and process this for a moment and reply with ?one child eats formula still which we have more than enough of, the other child (daughter) we already have food for (She rarely eats new things despite our efforts...I understand why now) so the only people that depend on the food I would get at the store would be HER and myself. I ask her if it's so important why not just go and do it yourself instead of waiting for me to do it for you (As she does with a vast amount of things) she says because If you go it will take you no time (she was assuming I was unable to watch the kids while she did this so if she stayed home with the kids and I went to the store it would be easier for me) Again...this has selfish motivations underlying, she is capable of going to the store with the kids or without them, it seemed too hard for her so she tried to make me do it." The short answer here is because frankly, some people are not willing or able to put the effort into understanding their significant other as us Aspie's perhaps require. I am able to see so many underlying meanings in EVERYTHING she does, she however can't seem to see the meaning that I'm being as straight forward with as I am able to. She often gets upset when I am able to show her the reasons behind what she's doing. I'm still the bad guy apparently, even when I show her that she is doing nothing but manipulating me to fit her needs and lying to me in many forms to cover it up. I have decided it's no longer worth the energy and emotion I have thrown away for so long now to meet her standards. I am now searching for advice on what steps I should move towards now. Consider with this, my daughter shows many signs just as I did at her age of having the same condition as I. The idea of divorce and me moving to the only place I could (Georgia, currently in California) is one solution, not a good one. In doing this I would subject my daughter to deal with everything that I did and I would rarely be able to see her or my infant son. At this very moment my eyes began to well with tears at the thought of this. I can?t be away from my children in such a way. I could never afford to rent a place to live as I am collecting unemployment right now (I am on Tier 2 of the fed extension). I am in no way a state of mind I would be able to get through an interview and do what any job would require of me right now. So, as far as I can see?I am stuck..living with a wife who I am never good enough for, because the only foreseeable alternative would destroy me in every sense of the word. I am sick of the unhappiness I have been so frequently condemned to. I deserve to be happy and I will never let anyone convince me otherwise again. Any alternative viewpoints to mine are welcomed. Help me to see this in a different way. I have already lost the excitement and happiness so briefly acquired by learning of my ?disorder? and the reason?s that drive me into ?my pit of madness? once again; appears that it can never been escaped without harm coming to my children.

 

[RavenSly]

Well, okay, I guess I’ll try and tackle this. First off, are you sure Asperger’s is all you have? This is just a guess, but from the way you were talking, you sound like you might be in some kind of psychosis or perhaps a depression. I don’t say that as an insult, it’s just my observation from what I know about psychology. The idea of getting a Psychiatric Evaluation is probably a good one, and would be one of the first steps you’d want to take for dealing with your problems.

Then, as for your problems with your wife, frankly, you seem to be blaming her a lot for things she probably didn’t intend to do, or perhaps wasn’t even responsible for. I’ve done this myself sometimes, people with Asperger’s often project their own problems and insecurities onto the people around them, I know I do. You need to ask yourself if its really your wife you’re not good enough for, or if your not good enough for yourself. Having lost a job will naturally have inflicted injuries to your self-esteem. That’s to be expected.

I suggest you try going out into your community and finding out what resources are available in your local area for people dealing with Mental Health Crises. Any moderately populated area will have some level of mental health resources available to people, and these are often free or very cheap. There are hotlines for example that you can call if you’re having problems where someone will talk through your issues with you. If your relationship with your wife is as bad as you say, maybe Couples Counseling might be a good idea, and I imagine that’s something your wife would probably approve of. I’m just guessing. There’s also always visiting family, or vacations. Maybe what you need is to just take a break from your life for a while and maybe go to the beach or a museum or wherever you might want to go that you think would help you calm down and unwind. Just my thoughts.

 

[HAL_0]

I recognise some of what you say in my situation. When reading your account it sounds quite strange but the facts are not to dissimilar to mine own. I seem to have this unjustified feeling of entitlement which I refuse to let go of. Like you I have self-diagnosed myself as Aspergers as it appears to justify my behavior. My wife has also asked for evidence to back up my claim. I was cruelly managed out of my job (26 years) eighteen months ago and it is possible that my behaviour is some kind of response to this. I spend my days on the iPad seemingly unable to do any chores except washing the dishes. Naturally my wife wonders when this behavior is going to end. Even an official diagnosis of Aspergers will not justify this behavior. Never-the-less the self-diagnosis has given my life new meaning even if it has created new problems for my wife. In my case I think I've turned my home into a self-styled sanitorium where I'm the only patient. Not quite what my wife envisaged when she married me. This post has turned out to be more about me than your immediate problem but maybe you can see something in my response that could be helpful to you.

 

[epath13]

Well... I would suggest to look for a specialist who is familiar with Asperger's and Autism, who worked with people with Autism before. Ask a specialist what qualifications/ experience does he/ she have? Some people might tell you they have experience, education, qualifications but in reality, what they offer can't be helpful. Specialists, who really know what Autism is, will almost always recognize the symptoms just by talking to you and observing you.
6 years, you say? Have you ever heard about 7 years marriage crisis? If it doesn't get worse, it can get better in a couple of years or so. I think what happens, at this time both partners finally have to decide if they can accept the other side the way he/ she is. Territory war might start coming to an end... but some people do struggle their entire lives or get divorced... but, your conflict can be considered as natural part of marriage, especially when 2 people are quite different from each other.

As for Asperger's, many people need this "official" confirmation, it makes them feel more secure.
If your daughter or both of your kids are on Autism spectrum as well, you wife might feel hesitant to get a diagnosis for them because for many parents Autism diagnosis seem devastating. They may feel lost, uncertain about their children's future, angry etc
That's why I recommend to get some extra help. Sometimes help can come not just from therapists but also from organizations. Find out what your local Autism organizations are.

When my yonder son and, just a few months later, I were diagnosed I was lucky enough to have wonderful people from Early Intervention Program and out local Autism organisation, TAP, supporting me. I felt much more confident after talking to them and after attending Autism meetings. My husband recognized Autism in our yonder son very early and then he started wondering if I had it as well. But he was very hesitant about our older son. It took him 3 years to accept that our older son had Autism, and now he's fully on board.

If you believe that you and even your children are on Autism spectrum, then it can become quite a battle for you and your family, and you need all the support you can get.

As for your wife doing all those "irrational" things well, some people are more emotional than others, and women, in many cases, tend to speak in riddles

Take a deep breath and if you can't reason with your wife, look for extra help...
I think divorce should be the last and final solution, if nothing else works.

 

[Perkinsj88]

Thank you all for the replies..I have kind of avoiding this threat to be honest. Yes, because I am still taking Adderall it may seem like I have more than just Asperger Syndrome. I am scheduled with my doc soon to go over all of this. I wish I could just drop Adderall..without waiting but I am all too familiar with the withdrawals this causes me. I am very tired right now as having being up all night again, I just feel the need to show my appreciation. A big problem, was the denial my wife had for whatever reasons. It seems to be better for now...we have bridged the communication gap for the moment. We shall see. Good night =).