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a date turned me down politely, but. . .

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by paloftoon, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    There was a guy who I dated twice. I felt the dates were going "well". We had some fun. Each time though, I had to initiate almost all the communication though. I knew he might just be shy, but I didn't get the sense he was super shy. So, it wasn't a good sign.

    At the end of the 2nd date, he asked me if I was on the spectrum. Of course, I was honest with him. Then, he pretty much didn't contact me for a week and didn't initiate anything even though I asked him about meeting up for several things. Sometimes, tried to plan, and sometimes last minute.

    After no response, then I requested the status "DTR" (define the relationship) at that point. (Would he be interested in considering platonic, fun, or continuing to build toward the ltr.)

    He said friends only. Then I asked him his idea of "friends" and told him my idea of friends is being able to hang out with each others friends (potentially) and doing things together.
    Another friend gave me an idea to invite him to a specific event we both like. Luckily, there was something, cause I was having a hard time coming up with something.

    It was difficult for me to figure out how/when to be more "forceful" to minimize BS and when to let things happen more. I had to do a bit of both in that situation. It almost feels like I was a bit too forceful except for the fact that he knows something so personal about me too soon.
     
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  2. shysnail

    shysnail Well-Known Member

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    I don't think you were too forceful, by the sounds of it. You were presumably interested in this guy, but he wasn't romantically interested in you. When that's the dynamic, I think almost inevitably it's going to be the person who is more interested doing the initiating. But you were clear, communicated well by the sounds of it, and got your answer. Honestly, I don't think you could have done better at handling this situation.

    In terms of telling him you were on the spectrum, I guess you told him with an idea you might end up in a relationship, but then it fell apart. So I would just take it as a learning experience. If you're not comfortable disclosing early, don't feel obliged to. Even if someone asks directly, you don't have to tell them squat if you don't want to. Just put this in your pocket as something to keep in mind for the future.
     
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  3. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    As much as we sometimes want to force a relationship to happen, there's another person involved and often they are unwilling to be understood. A key social skill is disengaging when appropriate. "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em," as the song goes.
     
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  4. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Right, I don't have to tell him squat. Thing is, he asked me point blank. So I could've said that I don't want to talk about it or lied, but both would've felt awkward in that particular context. If he didn't ask me point blank, I'd have waited until our third date at least or unless he disclosed something of a similar enough nature to me.

    I used to be taught to (white) lie about my situation in life, but the problem with that is that it can breed to being overly paranoid. You want to be cautious, but you don't want to live life to the fact that you get paranoid and don't trust the person either unless they give you a reason not to trust. I ruined a probably hard to work at but probably quality relationship that way with an ex-date, and I didn't want to make that kind of mistake again. I don't think I really could've done anything differently for that.
     
  5. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    If someone else is going to be disengaging in a potential relationship, it almost seems like I should just end it and move on. I know things need to build too and I can't just expect things to happen instantly. But the fact that that came up and this is how I'm treated- it's awkward. I'm trying to feel out if I can be friends with him now, and it seems considering how deep it's gotten for me emotionally, it was a good question for me to ask him to DTR as this point in time. How he reacts from here on out will be my answer, whether I like it or not.

    I did like him, but this attitude is such a turn off. I did all that I could to build things up properly. Ugh.
     
  6. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Personally, I don't contact them first every time. I'll do it once or twice but then they have to do it, otherwise I think it's safe to assume they're not interested.

    From what you said, it sounded to me like he was trying to nicely get rid of you ever since the end of the second date.

    And I don't believe it's common for "friends," in this sort of situation, to be defined as someone you hang out with, and I think it's actually defined as a friendly break-up and you no longer speak but are civil and would be friendly if you ran into each other.
     
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  7. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    To sad to hear this but if the interest isn't there on his part it isn't there. You have to respect his wishes and move on.
     
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  8. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    I'm okay with him expressing lack of interest.
    It's harder for me when they aren't direct about it to understand what is happening, especially when things seem to be going well enough.

    What is concerning though is that he would ask me about my diagnosis at the end of the 2nd date, and then decide to dump me right after the end of that.
    I never brought up that I had one and it wasn't the time for me to do that. He just put the pieces together.
    And no, I don't want to be with a person who has such a bad, classless attitude and to be so judgmental. I have a FT job like he does. Interests maybe didn't match up entirely, but he never really tried to invite me to hardly anything. I enjoyed the fun, but I think he did not and was not honest about it.
     
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  9. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    So, the former date did get back to me an express an interest in developing a quality friendship. I also had the idea to include a music festival he might like that I am planning to go to regardless if he is there or not. In some ways, it seems I should've just moved on.

    I already put the message out there, and he agreed. So, now I'm just not going to hold my breath and only initially do things that are pretty much at my convenience or decline his invitations if he actually offers any and if they require too much energy on my part. I will not wait for him to respond. It's like he's been given a chance to earn my platonic friendship, but I have to make sure I gain the respect I didn't during the date if this is possibly actually going to happen :/
     
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  10. GadAbout

    GadAbout Active Member

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    That's an excellent approach for you to take.

    It occurred to me he might have asked if you are on the spectrum because he is, himself.
     
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  11. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Interesting point you bring up. Turns out he had wondered if he was and half jokingly seemed to guess he was for a second, lol. I don't think he is quite there from my experience with him personally.
     
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  12. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    As an update fyi, this person agreed to meet at my place but then canceled a few days later or so. I think he probably had other date(s). His reply was that we'd get together for chess at my place at another time. Since I play chess competitively and he doesn't, I wouldn't want to play chess with him anyway since he's not even into me anymore. I'd rather play retro video games which I think he likes as well. I'm also not going to initiate at all at this point since I initiated the platonic friend request and he initially agreed. He also has a chance to meet me at a music festival which is in his state (that I'm planning to go to regardless of if he goes or not.) He didn't confirm or deny, but based on his "response", I think he is more likely to avoid cause he's never even heard of the name of the festival even though it's a fairly big name for alternative/indie. He does like mainstream pop, and I do feel he could get into the indie/alternative offered there, but it doesn't matter at this point.

    I have other option(s) I can concentrate on. I think only one of them might turn out to be a good friend cause communication has been super good online and over phone texts.

    It's definitely hard, cause my weight can be an issue (even though some people are so much heavier than me), my interests, race being a factor unfortunately (people don't say it but you kinda know), and/or religion. I get the feeling that sometimes, people might like my look, but consciously or sometimes unconsciously depending on the person or situation, will figure they can sense it's harder for me to match up with people. So, I can be treated like second class because of things not under my control like racial makeup even though I may be able to level with some people physically and mentally enough otherwise. All I can do is move on and try when I see others I'm interested in. :/
     
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