A confusing breakup and I need help

[Pbc]

Hello all,

I was hoping for some help understanding my situation. I am NT and my ex girlfriend is an Aspie. We were in a relationship for about 3 months and honestly it was the most magical thing, we got on like a house on fire. Met each other’s families, spent so much time together and just really clicked. We were talking about future vacations, how she wants to spend years with me and how she wanted a long term future which I was all for.

Then it kinda seemed out of nowhere she got overwhelmed and asked for space, which took me by shock and I panicked I was losing her. We didn’t see each other as much but I still tried to text her just as much as before, which in hindsight probably wasn’t a good move.

She then broke up over a month ago, saying she felt nothing, wanted space and needed to work on herself. And that it was nothing to do with me, which I can’t help but feel like that wasn’t true.

I’m just having a hard time going from feeling like I had met a girl that wanted me around for a long time to a sudden breakup. I desperately want her back but I’m trying to respect the fact she wants space.

So I guess what I’m asking is should I try and get her back? Will she ever start to regret breakups or miss their exes? How much space should I give her if not?

I know I can be the person for her if we give it another shot, I just feel like this breakup was because of my mistakes

 

[Judge]

You have my sympathies. I did pretty much the same thing to an NT girlfriend for the same reasons. Though at the time I had no idea as to why, as neither of us had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism at the time. But in our case, she lived with me, and worked only a few feet away from me every day. So in essence we were never by ourselves for more than minutes at a time.

We got back together for a while, but things were never the same. In the end, she dumped me this time. And she never looked back. Would you inevitably do the same? I can't answer that.

One thing for sure, many of us must have routine access to solitude. Where we can collect our thoughts and recover energy lost through socialization. Without it...well...eventually we "explode" in some manner. Regrettable, but it happens.

Do I regret what happened? Yes. But that was three marriages ago for her. I never married.

 

[kingscross]

As an Aspie that's been in one relationship with an NT, I'll say that it sounds like she got burned out. My NT ex was from a close-knit small town and had a large social network I had to interact with constantly. At the time I didn't know I was on the spectrum but still did an absurd amount of masking to appear "normal" to this small town crowd. I liked them but found them completely baffling in their need (and ability?!) to maintain so many social connections. I made myself miserable trying to be this fun, social person and experienced a severe depression because of it. When that relationship finally ended I felt like I could breathe again. We were together 2.5 years and I didn't miss him for a minute. Maybe reach out and ask if the social aspects of your relationship were too much for her? Maybe you could come to a new understanding. But if she doesn't respond favorably, I would let it go.

 

[Darkkin]

Let it be.

And as with all things, people respond to each situation in a unique way.

Trying to lump relationship turmoil under the category of 'it was because the autism' is not logical. It could have been any one or combination of a thousand different things, which may or may not be related to one's neurotype.

Her decision was her decision. The most significant thing one can do is respect it, stop what if-ing, and look forward.

 

[Tom]

So I guess what I’m asking is should I try and get her back? Do Aspies ever start to regret breakups or miss their exes? How much space should I give her if not?

I know I can be the person for her if we give it another shot, I just feel like this breakup was a mistake.

Sorry things didn't work out.

You should respect her decision. We likely regret breakups and miss exes no more or less than NTs. It's an individual thing, not ASD or NT related.

You can't really call it a mistake. That would only be true if you broke up and then regretted it. Calling it a mistake in this case is another way of saying your exe is incompetent and does not know what she is doing, which is a completely erroneous and potentially destructive viewpoint.

 

[Pbc]

I appreciate your responses everyone. I guess to add. She did say when she originally asked for space she wanted this long term, which is why im having a hard time moving on. Because even through needing space and being overwhelmed she wanted to carry on

We got back together for a while, but things were never the same. In the end, she dumped me this time. And she never looked back. Would you inevitably do the same? I can't answer that.

One thing for sure, many of us must have routine access to solitude. Where we can collect our thoughts and recover energy lost through socialization. Without it...well...eventually we "explode" in some manner. Regrettable, but it happens.

I know things wont be the same, I wouldn't dump her. I know that im signing up for a relationship that wont be typical and requires changes from what we were doing.

Based off your past relationship, how long did you wait before you got back together? And I guess who initiated the getting back?

Maybe reach out and ask if the social aspects of your relationship were too much for her? Maybe you could come to a new understanding. But if she doesn't respond favorably, I would let it go.

I did send her a quick text a few days after asking if we could talk, and she said she hadn't had enough space at that point. How long do you think I should wait?

You can't really call it a mistake.

To clarify, I dont think her decision was a mistake... she did what she needed to do. I think the leadup to the breakup I made mistakes

 

[Thinx]

3 months isn't very long to be in a relationship, but it may easily be enough to tell that it isn't working for you. That seems to be what your ex decided. It's hard when you don't feel the same, but I would trust her decision on this and move on. I don't see what else you could do.

But in my experience, endings give opportunities too, so look out for another special partner, there's definitely more than one for everyone, I have loved several people. Be aware though that the other person may not always love you back, that's probably the hardest thing about relationships.

 

[Judge]

Based off your past relationship, how long did you wait before you got back together? And I guess who initiated the getting back?

I approached her...about a month and a half later. From my perspective the ball remains in her court- not yours. If it's meant to be she will reach out to you. How much time that involves we cannot say.

 

[Forest Cat]

This is probably the last thing you want to do, but you could give her a chance to miss you. Stop contacting her, stay away. And hope she will miss you after a while. But I don't know, these kind of things are difficult. I just know that if a woman says she needs time away, the worst thing you can do is follow her around and call all the time.

 

[Pbc]

I approached her...about a month and a half later. From my perspective the ball remains in her court- not yours. If it's meant to be she will reach out to you. How much time that involves we cannot say.

I get that, but I cant help but feel like I made mistakes that led to this... She initiated the breakup so I agree, but part of me feels like if I address the fact I made mistakes and know what to do differently that might help?

 

[Pbc]

This is probably the last thing you want to do, but you could give her a chance to miss you. Stop contacting her, stay away. And hope she will miss you after a while. But I don't know, these kind of things are difficult. I just know that if a woman says she needs time away, the worst thing you can do is follow her around and call all the time.

Thats what im doing right now, its been almost a month. Im comitted for another month at least... I just dont want to lose her forever and I feel like if I stay silent forever she might not come around if I dont let her know things can be different

 

[Judge]

I get that, but I cant help but feel like I made mistakes that led to this... She initiated the breakup so I agree, but part of me feels like if I address the fact I made mistakes and know what to do differently that might help?

In all fairness under such conditions it may not have necessarily been based on perceived mistakes on your part. She might have simply "snapped" as I did, coming to the conclusion that the relationship just wasn't sustainable given her need for routine solitude.

Though if you do get back together again, it wouldn't hurt to openly discuss it, and let her know that you're ok with coexisting with such social dynamics...(if you really are).

 

[Pbc]

In all fairness under such conditions it may not have necessarily been based on perceived mistakes on your part. She might have simply "snapped" as I did, coming to the conclusion that the relationship just wasn't sustainable given her need for routine solitude.

Though if you do get back together again, it wouldn't hurt to openly discuss it, and let her know that you're ok with coexisting with such social dynamics...(if you really are).

I want to do that, my worry is that she might not come around if she doesn't know im ok coexisiting with a different dynamic.

Right now my plan is to give her at least another month away before trying to send a letter. The general consensus im getting here is that might be a bad idea though

 

[Judge]

The general consensus im getting here is that might be a bad idea though

Best to let her come to you, if it is what she truly wants.

Otherwise I don't see you of being capable of simply changing her mind. Like I said, the ball is in her corner- not yours.

 

[Pbc]

Best to let her come to you, if it is what she truly wants.

Otherwise I don't see you of being capable of simply changing her mind. Like I said, the ball is in her corner- not yours.

I guess so, im gonna leave her alone for now. The part of this that is eating me up is that I know she genuinely wanted us to work before the breakup even though she needed space at the time. Im just worried that she wont ever come back because she doesn't think things can be different

 

[Judge]

Im just worried that she wont ever come back because she doesn't think things can be different

In all fairness, that's definitely possible. But if so, it's likely all about her- not about you.

At around age 45 I came to the conclusion that relationships were not going to work for me. My karma I suppose. Out of five relationships with NT women, four of them were failures going back to MY autistic traits and behaviors. It had nothing to do with four of them at all.

The one exception turned out to have a much greater issue than my own. She was an alcoholic.

 

[Gee Wyles]

Let her go. Sometimes the intensity of a relationship becomes overwhelming and impossible to deal with. I know I have had these feelings before. Maybe she will come back and maybe she won't. If it was me, more pressure to return would drive me further away... or maybe it's like B.B.King sang - "The Thrill is Gone".

 

[Judge]

Let her go. Sometimes the intensity of a relationship becomes overwhelming and impossible to deal with. I know I have had these feelings before. Maybe she will come back and maybe she won't. If it was me, more pressure to return would drive me further away... or maybe it's like B.B.King sang - "The Thrill is Gone".

That's what happened to my former g/f. We got back together again, but for her all the magic was gone. And then like the song goes, "She dropped a bomb on me". And she never looked back.

 

[Pbc]

In all fairness, that's definitely possible. But if so, it's likely all about her- not about you.

At around age 45 I came to the conclusion that relationships were not going to work for me. My karma I suppose. Out of five relationships with NT women, four of them were failures going back to MY autistic traits and behaviors. It had nothing to do with four of them at all.

The one exception turned out to have a much greater issue than my own. She was an alcoholic.

Let her go. Sometimes the intensity of a relationship becomes overwhelming and impossible to deal with. I know I have had these feelings before. Maybe she will come back and maybe she won't. If it was me, more pressure to return would drive me further away... or maybe it's like B.B.King sang - "The Thrill is Gone".

Thanks both. Im going to let her go for now. We still have each other on social media's and it was an amicable breakup, so ill just have to hope its not the end and she reaches out when she is ready. If not then hopefully things after a long time mean we can at least talk.

Thanks all for taking time to respond, not what I wanted to hear but it all checks out. I need to sit down and look at things from her perspective too

 

[Aspychata]

Relationships with us are difficult.
We can be infuriating then we can be the most perfect caring person and we can switch between these masks and leave NT's struggling. It's because we don't trust ourself, it's not you. We struggle with who to present with. We are fractions of kindness, and honesty, wrapped with bluntness, and nonchalance, which confuses just about anyone. I am confused how anybody can date us.