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3 Years Sober

Raggamuffin

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
On December 1st I made it to 3 years alcohol free. I didn't notice the milestone until a few days later. Perhaps it's becoming less profound. Cravings still come and go, especially during times of high stress. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd ever be free of them. Several times in recent weeks I saw alcohol and my brain had me feeling all nostalgic, and you realise just how easy and effortless it would be to fall back into the bottle.

Being sober feels like I'm lacking that easy way to reduce my social anxiety in crowded situations which alcohol provides. Whilst art, staffing or headphones can help me navigate busier places - my anxiety in group social settings is worse since my sobriety.

The busier a location gets - the more overwhelmed I feel, which in turn has me feeling dizzy, or getting chest pains, panic, muscular pains, stomach aches or nausea. That's not to say I was very sociable when I was a drunk, but I could handle busy events without succumbing to anywhere near as much anxiety. These days I try and limit socialising to one-to-one encounters, and away from crowded places. Ideally with people who don't drain me.

I tried to convince myself that spending years getting drunk most nights in my own company wasn't a problem. I mocked the medical advice that "drinking alone" was a sign of problematic drinking. In hindsight, I can see that it was. Mind you, I've never found typical drinking locations to appeal. Fact of the matter is, drunk people quickly become tedious in my opinion. Loud places, night-life, night clubs and festivals seem more like a descent into hell than an interesting, worthwhile, or viable social experience for me.

Places can have so much background noise that it feels deafening, and causes physical discomfort. It's as if the sound makes me feel claustrophobic, and I have to do my utmost to hold it together. I ride the waves of anxiety and sensory overload as my sense of safety erodes. In fact, I went to a busy restaurant today and the background noise took all of a minute to build up a rush of anxiety and overwhelm. Could've spilled into my third panic attack of the week. Shame really - I'd gone several years of only getting a handful a year. But the past 6 months I'm already into double figures. Personally, I don't understand how people think a busy place is normal.

Sleep improved when I stopped drinking, and I continue to be free from migraines since I became sober. Unfortunately, my skin didn't improve, although I did lose a few stone that I'd gained whilst drinking. People who knew me often joked that I didn't need to lose weight, but when the cause of my weight gain was getting drunk most nights, and eating too much junk food - I had every reason to lose it.

So, roll on next year. The focus has been on me in recent weeks. Regular massages, therapy starting again next week, regular yoga sessions and breathing exercises. I've also been enjoying my own company more. Whilst I know it's not their intention; I find most people drain me in some way, shape or form. I really don't have the energy for much socialising at present. Whilst it has made me feel like a bad friend to avoid socialising as much; I'm being a bad friend to myself if I keep pushing beyond what is sustainable.

A focus on self-care is paramount, and it's all leading up to my next step, which will be living in the van, and probably embracing "me time" and isolation even more. Self-discovery and time away from it all. Privacy, my own little world - and start to figure out what I want to do, and where I want to be.

I've spent so many years seeking validation through other people, and that needs to stop. It's hollow when you constantly live through other people, and I realise there should be no shame in focusing on me. I need to get to a point where I love myself. Because I have lived for decades now with a profound sense of impending doom, catastrophic thinking and feeling unsafe in my mind, body and in the world. I'm no stranger to loneliness, but I know that a lot of that comes from pursuing identity and self-worth through others. All that energy spent on people pleasing needs to be turned inwards, because my inner voice is an abusive one.

I had entered sobriety expecting more than it provided. Truth be told, drinking was just a way of guaranteed stress relief and escapism, but the longer it continued - the more stress it began to create. As with any addiction, it takes more away from you than it could ever provide for you.

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Ed
 
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I'm proud of you. I have had a few friends that suffer from addiction and I know how hard it can be at times. I also used alcohol as a social lubricant, but I'm one of the lucky ones that never formed an addiction.

I never used alcohol as a form of stress relief though, in fact the exact opposite. As a teenager I reconised that alcohol multiplies depression levels, whenever I was feeling down I refused to drink.
 
Congratulations. I am also proud of you. It isn't easy to sustain release from an addiction.

I'm also impressed by your self-knowledge and ability to articulate what you see about yourself and what you can do about it. Good for you! I struggle to articulate my experiences. Several of your paragraphs are worth printing out and keeping for my own reading.

I no longer try to participate in social situations and try to limit them severely. For the most part, I am not interested in the surface level of conversation that passes for socializing and find my own company sufficient. (Conversely, I find the people on this forum extremely interesting.) Like you, I find intoxicated people extraordinariy boring or offensive or embarrassing. I try to avoid them.
 
Ed,
I’m having difficulty choosing a reaction emoji, I want to find one for incredibly meaningful and inspiring, but it’s not on there. I guess some things are a lot bigger than a small reaction emoji.

I am three years behind you. I’ve gotten some sobriety under my belt before, but this is the beginning for me. So, in reading your story, I find hope, despite the multiple challenges that you’ve described.

I have also used substances, it was alcohol for a long time, to get into a mindset where I can interact with the world. I kidded myself saying I’m a “better person“ under the influence, because at least then I will actually speak to people and go out into the world.

Of course, this was a lie. You know how the substances will make us try to manipulate the truth into a tangled knot of madness.

So, back to you…

If this is helpful to you and strengthens your experience in sobriety, I can share that you are paving the way for others like myself when you share your story. I know that the road ahead will not be perfect and that I face many of the same struggles that you have described.

Sober life is difficult because everything is so overwhelming, and what feels normal or good to others leaves us so drained and needing to stim like crazy once we get back in the car.

You are not alone in what you have described here. I feel exactly the way you described about crowded places and the impact it has afterward.

Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for taking a chance of sobriety and seeing how it goes even though some parts of the world are maddening. I am looking to be like you and one day say “three years.”

Here, to me, a newly sober person, three years sounds like a monumental heroic accomplishment. I mean it so fully when I say that. Accepting the struggle of sobriety after a long time living under the influence is a huge deal and being able to share your story here, as imperfect as your experience in the world is, feels very important.

You have my respect, and I have taken some inspiration.

Thank you for sharing your story and looking forward to hearing you post about more years of sobriety under your belt in the future.

I’m gonna go with the “friendly” emoji, because someone said to use that when you feel empathy. I understand your words so fully and I’m glad you shared them.
 
Ed,

Congratulations! That is an amazing milestone and something I think even strangers can feel proud of. Good for you! It's inspiring.

So much of what you write is relatable, from the physical symptoms and overload, to the way problem drinking starts. 16 years ago I had a drinking problem, too...long before my diagnosis, or knowledge of Autism. It was so difficult dealing with big, sudden life changes and increased stimulation. Entering the working world. Like being in a tornado alone and no one else is bothered. Yet, it was clear I was killing myself slowly, and I'm glad I could stop before it went further. Seeing a parent give their life to alcohol also helped me stay strong. I'm sure you know how tough it is. How hellish it can be. But, stopping is so worth it. You are a hero.

As hard as it is to go through this society being Autistic, life is so much more beautiful without being numb.

I hope Rodafina and anyone else who comes into the thread, going through this, can find the courage to stay sober. Our lives are worth it and as long as we remember that, I think we will see that alcohol never gave us as much as we thought it did. It's just a very poor substitute for our real, Autistic, human happiness.

Stay strong. Enjoy yourself :)
 
There are lot of words and I'm confused with every single one.

Bravo ragazzo. Il mondo ha bisogno di persone con il tuo coraggio, questi ragazzi ci sostengo quando la strada sembra in salita, non immagini quanto siamo fortunati

 

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Three years is a big accomplishment. Congratulations. Words seem a bit insufficient when you consider the sheer effort such a feat takes. It takes much dedication and work as any endurance sport does. And it requires even more courage and honesty. That is what true character is.

- D.
 
I've spent so many years seeking validation through other people, and that needs to stop. It's hollow when you constantly live through other people, and I realise there should be no shame in focusing on me. I need to get to a point where I love myself.
I have learned that seeking external validation is one way we injure our psychies. I hope that you learn to love and forgive yourself unconditionally. Only when I learned to like myself could I mature socially. A very important step.
 
Congratulations on your milestone that is a huge accomplishment. I've been sober for 10 years now and I definitely know how you are feeling.

There are times where the "easy solution" seems like a good idea especially with anxiety but one thing I've learned is that you can't take something out without filling in the empty space.

Working on yourself and who you are is crucial to staying sane and ultimately, sober. I definitely recommend working through the 12 steps. It is major and incredible to stop drinking but it is life changing to use that time and energy to become the best version of myself I can hope to be.

Keep going! It's definitely worth it in the long run.
 
Congratulations on the milestone!

I did a year alcohol-free after spending nearly a decade as a hardcore binge drinker and it totally changed my life. Learning to walk without that crutch was hard, so you should be proud of your accomplishment!
 
Congratulations!

Alcohol (and other substance abuse) is a somewhat common problem throughout parts of my family, though most are Former alcoholics, and I know my one Uncle (through marriage) is quite open about his past Alcoholism if you ask him about it.

I've also seen a couple of people online say they eventually related heavily to the Main Protagonist of Disco Elysium to the point of seeing themselves in him (often a spitting image), due to their own experience(s) with Substance Abuse.
 
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Congratulations! That's a seriously huge milestone!

I'm only a little over 2 years into my sobriety journey, and it feels like it gets tougher all the time. Although I haven't had any significant cravings, rebuilding and working on your life feels like it could very well take the rest of your life, but I guess that's mostly the idea. Sounds like you're on a really good path!
 

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