On December 1st I made it to 3 years alcohol free. I didn't notice the milestone until a few days later. Perhaps it's becoming less profound. Cravings still come and go, especially during times of high stress. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd ever be free of them. Several times in recent weeks I saw alcohol and my brain had me feeling all nostalgic, and you realise just how easy and effortless it would be to fall back into the bottle.
Being sober feels like I'm lacking that easy way to reduce my social anxiety in crowded situations which alcohol provides. Whilst art, staffing or headphones can help me navigate busier places - my anxiety in group social settings is worse since my sobriety.
The busier a location gets - the more overwhelmed I feel, which in turn has me feeling dizzy, or getting chest pains, panic, muscular pains, stomach aches or nausea. That's not to say I was very sociable when I was a drunk, but I could handle busy events without succumbing to anywhere near as much anxiety. These days I try and limit socialising to one-to-one encounters, and away from crowded places. Ideally with people who don't drain me.
I tried to convince myself that spending years getting drunk most nights in my own company wasn't a problem. I mocked the medical advice that "drinking alone" was a sign of problematic drinking. In hindsight, I can see that it was. Mind you, I've never found typical drinking locations to appeal. Fact of the matter is, drunk people quickly become tedious in my opinion. Loud places, night-life, night clubs and festivals seem more like a descent into hell than an interesting, worthwhile, or viable social experience for me.
Places can have so much background noise that it feels deafening, and causes physical discomfort. It's as if the sound makes me feel claustrophobic, and I have to do my utmost to hold it together. I ride the waves of anxiety and sensory overload as my sense of safety erodes. In fact, I went to a busy restaurant today and the background noise took all of a minute to build up a rush of anxiety and overwhelm. Could've spilled into my third panic attack of the week. Shame really - I'd gone several years of only getting a handful a year. But the past 6 months I'm already into double figures. Personally, I don't understand how people think a busy place is normal.
Sleep improved when I stopped drinking, and I continue to be free from migraines since I became sober. Unfortunately, my skin didn't improve, although I did lose a few stone that I'd gained whilst drinking. People who knew me often joked that I didn't need to lose weight, but when the cause of my weight gain was getting drunk most nights, and eating too much junk food - I had every reason to lose it.
So, roll on next year. The focus has been on me in recent weeks. Regular massages, therapy starting again next week, regular yoga sessions and breathing exercises. I've also been enjoying my own company more. Whilst I know it's not their intention; I find most people drain me in some way, shape or form. I really don't have the energy for much socialising at present. Whilst it has made me feel like a bad friend to avoid socialising as much; I'm being a bad friend to myself if I keep pushing beyond what is sustainable.
A focus on self-care is paramount, and it's all leading up to my next step, which will be living in the van, and probably embracing "me time" and isolation even more. Self-discovery and time away from it all. Privacy, my own little world - and start to figure out what I want to do, and where I want to be.
I've spent so many years seeking validation through other people, and that needs to stop. It's hollow when you constantly live through other people, and I realise there should be no shame in focusing on me. I need to get to a point where I love myself. Because I have lived for decades now with a profound sense of impending doom, catastrophic thinking and feeling unsafe in my mind, body and in the world. I'm no stranger to loneliness, but I know that a lot of that comes from pursuing identity and self-worth through others. All that energy spent on people pleasing needs to be turned inwards, because my inner voice is an abusive one.
I had entered sobriety expecting more than it provided. Truth be told, drinking was just a way of guaranteed stress relief and escapism, but the longer it continued - the more stress it began to create. As with any addiction, it takes more away from you than it could ever provide for you.
Ed
Being sober feels like I'm lacking that easy way to reduce my social anxiety in crowded situations which alcohol provides. Whilst art, staffing or headphones can help me navigate busier places - my anxiety in group social settings is worse since my sobriety.
The busier a location gets - the more overwhelmed I feel, which in turn has me feeling dizzy, or getting chest pains, panic, muscular pains, stomach aches or nausea. That's not to say I was very sociable when I was a drunk, but I could handle busy events without succumbing to anywhere near as much anxiety. These days I try and limit socialising to one-to-one encounters, and away from crowded places. Ideally with people who don't drain me.
I tried to convince myself that spending years getting drunk most nights in my own company wasn't a problem. I mocked the medical advice that "drinking alone" was a sign of problematic drinking. In hindsight, I can see that it was. Mind you, I've never found typical drinking locations to appeal. Fact of the matter is, drunk people quickly become tedious in my opinion. Loud places, night-life, night clubs and festivals seem more like a descent into hell than an interesting, worthwhile, or viable social experience for me.
Places can have so much background noise that it feels deafening, and causes physical discomfort. It's as if the sound makes me feel claustrophobic, and I have to do my utmost to hold it together. I ride the waves of anxiety and sensory overload as my sense of safety erodes. In fact, I went to a busy restaurant today and the background noise took all of a minute to build up a rush of anxiety and overwhelm. Could've spilled into my third panic attack of the week. Shame really - I'd gone several years of only getting a handful a year. But the past 6 months I'm already into double figures. Personally, I don't understand how people think a busy place is normal.
Sleep improved when I stopped drinking, and I continue to be free from migraines since I became sober. Unfortunately, my skin didn't improve, although I did lose a few stone that I'd gained whilst drinking. People who knew me often joked that I didn't need to lose weight, but when the cause of my weight gain was getting drunk most nights, and eating too much junk food - I had every reason to lose it.
So, roll on next year. The focus has been on me in recent weeks. Regular massages, therapy starting again next week, regular yoga sessions and breathing exercises. I've also been enjoying my own company more. Whilst I know it's not their intention; I find most people drain me in some way, shape or form. I really don't have the energy for much socialising at present. Whilst it has made me feel like a bad friend to avoid socialising as much; I'm being a bad friend to myself if I keep pushing beyond what is sustainable.
A focus on self-care is paramount, and it's all leading up to my next step, which will be living in the van, and probably embracing "me time" and isolation even more. Self-discovery and time away from it all. Privacy, my own little world - and start to figure out what I want to do, and where I want to be.
I've spent so many years seeking validation through other people, and that needs to stop. It's hollow when you constantly live through other people, and I realise there should be no shame in focusing on me. I need to get to a point where I love myself. Because I have lived for decades now with a profound sense of impending doom, catastrophic thinking and feeling unsafe in my mind, body and in the world. I'm no stranger to loneliness, but I know that a lot of that comes from pursuing identity and self-worth through others. All that energy spent on people pleasing needs to be turned inwards, because my inner voice is an abusive one.
I had entered sobriety expecting more than it provided. Truth be told, drinking was just a way of guaranteed stress relief and escapism, but the longer it continued - the more stress it began to create. As with any addiction, it takes more away from you than it could ever provide for you.
Ed
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