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15-20 Years Ago, I Was Weird With Girls.....Very Weird

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Daz5094

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I have never been diagnosed with Aspergers, but i am self diagnosed.

In the last week, it has dawned on me that i was very weird around women.
It would be a long time ago, around 15 to 20 years ago. I didn't directly stalk them, but i would move closer to them for some reason that i cannot understand. I never had a real girlfriend and maybe i thought that this would be as close as i could get to one. Bizzare, freaky behaviour that only now, i am genuinely ashamed about. At my local bar/pub, i did that quite alot and people, including bar staff, would pull me away from them. At the time, i never realised that i was doing anything wrong. Even my work colleagues called me a total freak, but it went in one ear and out the other.

Looking back on it, i could have been in trouble with the law, but fortunately, that never happened.
Right now, i can't actually sleep because i am thinking about it, shamefull creepy thing to do back in my 20's.

I don't have any intention of doing this ever again and haven't done so in a long time, but the guilt and total shame has only just hit me now and is affecting me a lot. My heart rate is up all day, my stomach feels twisted and i have problems sleeping all week.

Has anyone had this problem or what can i do to get back to normal.
I live in a village outside town, so i am pretty sure people have labelled me a stalker, which is freaking me out.
 
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My husband used to do that, and at times still does. As it's not behavior that you had control over, or were aware of at the time you shouldn't really be ashamed of it. You wanted to be close to women, and stepped into their personal space, something most people don't like.

But you were also unaware of your reasons for doing it back then. It's good that you've realized that most people don't like that very much, for me it sends 'danger' signals when people are close to me causing a flight or fight response.

You were entirely lucky that no one hurt you for doing that and nothing happened that would have put you in danger. We all do things at times without much forethought, especially when were young. Drive fast, do silly things that put us in danger, it's more common than you might think. Try not to beat yourself up psychologically for something that happened so long ago (easier said than done I realize). It's not something you do now and it doesn't make you a bad person.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/200906/those-damn-unwanted-thoughts

http://www.outofstress.com/stop-unwanted-thoughts/
 
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Daz5094 said:
It seems to be forgotten about by most people around here, but it's hit me now for some strange reason.
Click to expand...
I feel that the unconscious mind is directing what to present for conscious awareness and at which periods in our life. What else can account for why something that happened way back suddenly pops into our mind and we can't stop thinking about it? Nothing obvious in our daily life may have triggered this recollection, or something very tangential may have triggered it. Sometimes negative memories from the past 'come online' from some unrelated negative experience which highlights all our most negative self-appraisals. I view it as one negative experience in the present setting off the memory-synapses like a string of fire-crackers going back into the past - the mind digging up every bit of evidence for why we are inept, insane, worthless, unworthy etc. Every negative experience we've ever had gets heartlessly presented to us by our minds!

We can't really control what memories surface for rumination and reflection and which remain buried, but I sense the unconscious is rather like the hand of God presenting us with certain unpleasantnesses to face about ourselves at periodic intervals. When it chooses to do this is a mystery, but this 'forced confrontation' with ourselves is what leads to a greater level of consciousness - which might after all be the purpose of life: to become self-aware and learn to understand other people, if not love them. As painful as that is, often involving acute self-loathing and suicide ideation. Some people feel it is so painful that it isn't worth the expansion of consciousness that results. Life does seem to want us to become more conscious, using things like depression, anxiety, loneliness and low self-esteem as tools. Suffering essentially 'wakes us up' aka 'dark nights of the soul'.

A constructive way of dealing with the guilt and shame you feel could be to develop empathy for others who've behaved in an ignorant or unconscious way in the past, and might be feeling the same guilt and shame as you. If we ourselves know what this experience is like (doing something dumb when we didn't know any better; being confronted with it by our mind later in life; ruminating on it and feeling anxious, depressed, worthless etc.), we'll know not to despise or devalue others for what they do in ignorance; we'll be more able to view them with comprehension and compassion. It seems to be all about trusting the process of life.
 
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