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1 Year Sober
- Thread starter Raggamuffin
- Start date
Let me post it here. It'll take a few posts:
It might be a little early, but this Monday marks 1 year sober – a milestone that has brought about more questions than I have answers to. There is a degree of relief - and yet, I continue to feel overwhelmed and burnt out.
I've been asked numerous times about how sobriety feels, and quizzed on how I stopped abusing weed and alcohol. Truth is, I reached a point of despair which overshadowed the discomfort of sobriety. I've lost count of how many cold turkey attempts it took. All that really matters is that sobriety eventually stuck, and I ran with it. Never deny those moments when you realise “enough is enough” - because they don’t occur as often as we probably need them to. Perhaps it was immature of me to wait in vain for a “Eureka” moment as I ventured into sobriety. In truth, the benefits and improvements have been a slow burn - and I am not a patient man.
As an adult, my mind tends to get bogged down in negativity, which; upon reflection, makes me feel like a thoroughly ungrateful person. People have often commended my creativity, but sometimes I wonder if life would be simpler without it. Being gifted comes at a price – nothing is free in this life. These talents fuel a never-ending array of worries, fears and "what if's" that flood my thoughts every day: I simply cannot switch off. Substances were a way to dull my senses and emotions - they helped me come to terms with stagnation and underachieving in life. But the solace they granted was another gift which came with a heavy price.
Whilst nearly two decades of my life have been plagued by depression and anxiety, I feel like I probably have it easier than billions of people in this world. My problems often feel self-made. At this point I’m left to conclude that I’m the only one standing in the way of my own happiness. Practice makes perfect; and being adept at negative thinking is draining. It doesn’t help that I’m stubborn, even towards my own self-improvement.
When things are bad, I try to reflect on what I have to be grateful for in life – owning a house, having a long-term partner, knowing my family is close by, and holding down a job that has weathered lockdowns and an economic downturn. I wish I had official qualifications for my talents – as I feel like I’ll never get out of the rat race. Jobs have been a persistent source of disillusionment and stress in my life. I suppose it's never too late to learn new skills and get myself certifiably competent in a new field. At the end of the day, I’m sure my possessions and accomplishments would be enough for a lot of people – and yet, I feel hollow and devoid of purpose.
It’s interesting to see how some people turned the lockdown into a positive – through self-improvement and new routines etc. Whilst others simply let go and sank deeper into gluttonous and self-destructive behaviours. It had crossed my mind numerous times to allow current events to act as a flimsy excuse to begin another headlong descent into substance abuse. If the world is going to hell – why don’t I hitch a ride along with it? Truth be told, I haven’t felt a negative impact from Covid – and for that I should be thankful. If anything, I quite enjoyed when everywhere was quieter – it felt less stressful and overwhelming on my senses. It's somewhat ironic that some people thought my decision to go sober couldn't have happened at a worse time.
So, what has changed for the better? Waking up without daily hangovers is probably the most obvious plus. Looking back, it’s quite unnerving to see how I willingly allowed myself to drink daily. I only hope that years spent quintupling the weekly alcohol limit hasn't caused any damage later in life. Whilst living several years as a functioning alcoholic felt like a shamble – I won’t deny that it takes a degree of strength and resolve to fulfil your daily responsibilities whilst nurturing such a self-destructive habit.
Now I start each day without a pounding head, churning stomach or severe dizziness. I haven’t had a migraine since I quit drinking, which is a blessing. There are also some marked improvements in self-care. Still, there are plenty of other lifestyle changes and improvements to be made, but I knew that tackling substance abuse was to act as the foundation for future personal developments.
Whilst no money is spent on substances – I still find that money burns a hole in my pocket. Living outside your means and compulsive spending are often symptoms of deeper-rooted mental health issues. Much like substances; spending money provides a fleeting moment of contentment at best. These false notions of happiness soon dissipate and leave you with prolonged worries and regret. It’s another vicious cycle I hope to eventually break.
Numerous articles I read suggested benefits and aspects of sobriety that failed to materialise - possibly due to my mental health conditions. I like to think they are waiting in the wings and will eventually come to pass. Whilst I’ve reached a year sober, it’s still early days. There’s plenty of time for further developments and progression.
Increased energy levels and healthier skin complexion are two supposed improvements that I’ve yet to see. With a stressed mind leading to a stressed body, I find that energy levels have always been erratic – living in a perpetual state of fatigue which is occasionally broken up by unprovoked manic and hyperactive states. Balance has never been my strong suit - I'm all or nothing, black or white, happy or sad.
With regards to improvements in complexion - my skin has been a long sufferer of my mental health issues, and this has not improved one iota through sobriety. I suppose it comes as no surprise that my skin exhibits signs of stress when my head constantly feels like a hot mess. Looking in the mirror every day and seeing that forlorn stare and my blotchy, sore and flaky skin is a disheartening sight.
It might be a little early, but this Monday marks 1 year sober – a milestone that has brought about more questions than I have answers to. There is a degree of relief - and yet, I continue to feel overwhelmed and burnt out.
I've been asked numerous times about how sobriety feels, and quizzed on how I stopped abusing weed and alcohol. Truth is, I reached a point of despair which overshadowed the discomfort of sobriety. I've lost count of how many cold turkey attempts it took. All that really matters is that sobriety eventually stuck, and I ran with it. Never deny those moments when you realise “enough is enough” - because they don’t occur as often as we probably need them to. Perhaps it was immature of me to wait in vain for a “Eureka” moment as I ventured into sobriety. In truth, the benefits and improvements have been a slow burn - and I am not a patient man.
As an adult, my mind tends to get bogged down in negativity, which; upon reflection, makes me feel like a thoroughly ungrateful person. People have often commended my creativity, but sometimes I wonder if life would be simpler without it. Being gifted comes at a price – nothing is free in this life. These talents fuel a never-ending array of worries, fears and "what if's" that flood my thoughts every day: I simply cannot switch off. Substances were a way to dull my senses and emotions - they helped me come to terms with stagnation and underachieving in life. But the solace they granted was another gift which came with a heavy price.
Whilst nearly two decades of my life have been plagued by depression and anxiety, I feel like I probably have it easier than billions of people in this world. My problems often feel self-made. At this point I’m left to conclude that I’m the only one standing in the way of my own happiness. Practice makes perfect; and being adept at negative thinking is draining. It doesn’t help that I’m stubborn, even towards my own self-improvement.
When things are bad, I try to reflect on what I have to be grateful for in life – owning a house, having a long-term partner, knowing my family is close by, and holding down a job that has weathered lockdowns and an economic downturn. I wish I had official qualifications for my talents – as I feel like I’ll never get out of the rat race. Jobs have been a persistent source of disillusionment and stress in my life. I suppose it's never too late to learn new skills and get myself certifiably competent in a new field. At the end of the day, I’m sure my possessions and accomplishments would be enough for a lot of people – and yet, I feel hollow and devoid of purpose.
It’s interesting to see how some people turned the lockdown into a positive – through self-improvement and new routines etc. Whilst others simply let go and sank deeper into gluttonous and self-destructive behaviours. It had crossed my mind numerous times to allow current events to act as a flimsy excuse to begin another headlong descent into substance abuse. If the world is going to hell – why don’t I hitch a ride along with it? Truth be told, I haven’t felt a negative impact from Covid – and for that I should be thankful. If anything, I quite enjoyed when everywhere was quieter – it felt less stressful and overwhelming on my senses. It's somewhat ironic that some people thought my decision to go sober couldn't have happened at a worse time.
So, what has changed for the better? Waking up without daily hangovers is probably the most obvious plus. Looking back, it’s quite unnerving to see how I willingly allowed myself to drink daily. I only hope that years spent quintupling the weekly alcohol limit hasn't caused any damage later in life. Whilst living several years as a functioning alcoholic felt like a shamble – I won’t deny that it takes a degree of strength and resolve to fulfil your daily responsibilities whilst nurturing such a self-destructive habit.
Now I start each day without a pounding head, churning stomach or severe dizziness. I haven’t had a migraine since I quit drinking, which is a blessing. There are also some marked improvements in self-care. Still, there are plenty of other lifestyle changes and improvements to be made, but I knew that tackling substance abuse was to act as the foundation for future personal developments.
Whilst no money is spent on substances – I still find that money burns a hole in my pocket. Living outside your means and compulsive spending are often symptoms of deeper-rooted mental health issues. Much like substances; spending money provides a fleeting moment of contentment at best. These false notions of happiness soon dissipate and leave you with prolonged worries and regret. It’s another vicious cycle I hope to eventually break.
Numerous articles I read suggested benefits and aspects of sobriety that failed to materialise - possibly due to my mental health conditions. I like to think they are waiting in the wings and will eventually come to pass. Whilst I’ve reached a year sober, it’s still early days. There’s plenty of time for further developments and progression.
Increased energy levels and healthier skin complexion are two supposed improvements that I’ve yet to see. With a stressed mind leading to a stressed body, I find that energy levels have always been erratic – living in a perpetual state of fatigue which is occasionally broken up by unprovoked manic and hyperactive states. Balance has never been my strong suit - I'm all or nothing, black or white, happy or sad.
With regards to improvements in complexion - my skin has been a long sufferer of my mental health issues, and this has not improved one iota through sobriety. I suppose it comes as no surprise that my skin exhibits signs of stress when my head constantly feels like a hot mess. Looking in the mirror every day and seeing that forlorn stare and my blotchy, sore and flaky skin is a disheartening sight.
Then there’s the bodily symptoms of stress – for nearly a decade now I have lived with constant aches, pains and symptoms born of depression and anxiety. Some doctors have recently suggested I look into a Fibromyalgia assessment. In truth, I wonder if I have the stomach to receive any more diagnoses. I feel rather overqualified in my dysfunctional mind and body without them adding further labels to me.
Through sobriety I find my emotions are raw and frayed and my body has responded in kind. I live in the midst of never-ending aches and pains. Even though there has been several years where the pains are constant and haven’t abated, you can adapt to anything. It doesn't matter how tired, how upset or in pain you are - if you don't give up, you can keep on going. I wish it didn't have to be this way, and yet, I've accepted that it is. Admittedly, it can be hard to find fulfilment in the supposed best years of your life (20’s to 30’s) when you feel like you’re trapped within a flawed and dysfunctional body. At the height of anxiety, I’d go to bed in such pain I thought I’d never wake up again – and at the peak of depression, I wake up wishing I never had.
Whilst substances taxed my mind and body in other ways, I used them to find brief periods of respite in the evenings. To try and shut out reality and emotions - and to experience new avenues of introspection. I am a shut in after all - people and socialising drain me. My best and worst moments are spent in my own company.
I began sobriety in the hope I’d see radical progress with my depression and anxiety. Through quitting cannabis, I will admit that daily anxiety has lessened considerably. Alas, throughout life I find when anxiety subsides, depression increases – and vice versa. Truthfully, I think the damage has been done with cannabis. 14 years of daily overindulgence is enough to take its toll on anyone; especially when the (ab)user has a predisposition towards emotional erraticism.
Day to day anxiety may have reduced considerably, but I still find I react to stressful situations with the same instinctive and unstable emotions. Much like driving on an icy road; I can go from calm to losing control within seconds. One benefit of living with an anxiety disorder so long is having a wealth of experience around symptoms and reactions to stressors. Most symptoms and thoughts can be traced back to stress. Depression and anxiety are empowered through negativity, and so I try to focus on what is positive, or at the very least, distract myself to keep stress minimised. At the end of the day, this burden is mine, and so I read and learned as much as I could about these conditions over the years, in a bid to empower myself.
Knowledge isn’t a cure; however, it’s just a tool to help manage and defuse bouts of high anxiety or drag me out of the depths of depression. I do my best to rationalise stressors and situations that initially perplex or frustrate me. Unfortunately, I tend to overthink, and often overlook simple, common sense solutions to issues. Seemingly insignificant moments in a day can leave me utterly lost in thought.
One method I had to overcome certain anxieties was to expose myself to situations that made me the most anxious. Over time I gradually reduced the discomfort – going from panic attacks whenever I left the house, to being able to go to new places with relatively little apprehension or symptoms. Having confronted and overcome that form of anxiety, these days I choose to withdraw from most people and situations wherever possible. Whilst avoidance has more pitfalls than benefits, I find I go out of my way to avoid potential stressors or perceived threats.
The Fawn Response is an extension of the fight/flight/freeze responses to threats and traumas. To forgo your own needs and wants in order to please those of others. This fawn response is how I act around most people in life. I try to avoid conflict at all costs, and yet – depression has worn down my patience and ability to control my temper. It’s a gross irony that I 'people please' strangers and colleagues, but verbally lash out at a moment's notice around those I’m closest to in life.
Society tends to view a “yes man” in a negative way. A person without a backbone who panders to superiors in order to curry favour. However, I think the negative connotations towards people pleasers is merely a fraction of the potential negativity they hold within themselves. Masking all day long and going out of my way to keep the peace and predict/prevent friction is exhausting. I sometimes think that people who persistently help and agree with other's needs are often those in need of help the most. But we're often too afraid to ask, for fear of seeming weak or even selfish.
Helping others is often easier than helping yourself. There’s a glimmer of positivity when you’ve helped someone. As with any positive emotion, some people might crave and seek it out more and more. Fanatically helping others and forgoing yourself can lead you to a point of giving so much to others, that it is taking from yourself. It also attracts users – and nobody deserves to be surrounded by such people.
Giving to others won’t fill the void – it will only serve to make it bigger.
After each day of serving the interests of others had ended, I overindulged in my own vices. Each night I knew that weed and alcohol were taking from me, and the only return they provided was the briefest of escapes and euphoria. As with any addict, the benefits of these substances were heavily outweighed by the negatives. Still, a guaranteed pleasure – even for the briefest of moments needed very little justification. Had a hard day? Drink. Had a good day? Smoke – you deserve it. I lived in the shadow of guilt and self-loathing, but for those small moments, I didn’t mind because it didn’t feel like I was me anymore.
In truth, whilst suicidal ideation is a daily occurrence - I have never been brave enough to follow through. I think that in some way, substance abuse may have been my own attempt at destroying my own life. It was almost as if I viewed the future health implications were going to be experienced by another self. That future self was an intangible presence; someone else, yet to exist. Let that older doppelganger suffer, whilst the present self attempted to maintain and pursue its wanton self-destruction.
Through sobriety I find my emotions are raw and frayed and my body has responded in kind. I live in the midst of never-ending aches and pains. Even though there has been several years where the pains are constant and haven’t abated, you can adapt to anything. It doesn't matter how tired, how upset or in pain you are - if you don't give up, you can keep on going. I wish it didn't have to be this way, and yet, I've accepted that it is. Admittedly, it can be hard to find fulfilment in the supposed best years of your life (20’s to 30’s) when you feel like you’re trapped within a flawed and dysfunctional body. At the height of anxiety, I’d go to bed in such pain I thought I’d never wake up again – and at the peak of depression, I wake up wishing I never had.
Whilst substances taxed my mind and body in other ways, I used them to find brief periods of respite in the evenings. To try and shut out reality and emotions - and to experience new avenues of introspection. I am a shut in after all - people and socialising drain me. My best and worst moments are spent in my own company.
I began sobriety in the hope I’d see radical progress with my depression and anxiety. Through quitting cannabis, I will admit that daily anxiety has lessened considerably. Alas, throughout life I find when anxiety subsides, depression increases – and vice versa. Truthfully, I think the damage has been done with cannabis. 14 years of daily overindulgence is enough to take its toll on anyone; especially when the (ab)user has a predisposition towards emotional erraticism.
Day to day anxiety may have reduced considerably, but I still find I react to stressful situations with the same instinctive and unstable emotions. Much like driving on an icy road; I can go from calm to losing control within seconds. One benefit of living with an anxiety disorder so long is having a wealth of experience around symptoms and reactions to stressors. Most symptoms and thoughts can be traced back to stress. Depression and anxiety are empowered through negativity, and so I try to focus on what is positive, or at the very least, distract myself to keep stress minimised. At the end of the day, this burden is mine, and so I read and learned as much as I could about these conditions over the years, in a bid to empower myself.
Knowledge isn’t a cure; however, it’s just a tool to help manage and defuse bouts of high anxiety or drag me out of the depths of depression. I do my best to rationalise stressors and situations that initially perplex or frustrate me. Unfortunately, I tend to overthink, and often overlook simple, common sense solutions to issues. Seemingly insignificant moments in a day can leave me utterly lost in thought.
One method I had to overcome certain anxieties was to expose myself to situations that made me the most anxious. Over time I gradually reduced the discomfort – going from panic attacks whenever I left the house, to being able to go to new places with relatively little apprehension or symptoms. Having confronted and overcome that form of anxiety, these days I choose to withdraw from most people and situations wherever possible. Whilst avoidance has more pitfalls than benefits, I find I go out of my way to avoid potential stressors or perceived threats.
The Fawn Response is an extension of the fight/flight/freeze responses to threats and traumas. To forgo your own needs and wants in order to please those of others. This fawn response is how I act around most people in life. I try to avoid conflict at all costs, and yet – depression has worn down my patience and ability to control my temper. It’s a gross irony that I 'people please' strangers and colleagues, but verbally lash out at a moment's notice around those I’m closest to in life.
Society tends to view a “yes man” in a negative way. A person without a backbone who panders to superiors in order to curry favour. However, I think the negative connotations towards people pleasers is merely a fraction of the potential negativity they hold within themselves. Masking all day long and going out of my way to keep the peace and predict/prevent friction is exhausting. I sometimes think that people who persistently help and agree with other's needs are often those in need of help the most. But we're often too afraid to ask, for fear of seeming weak or even selfish.
Helping others is often easier than helping yourself. There’s a glimmer of positivity when you’ve helped someone. As with any positive emotion, some people might crave and seek it out more and more. Fanatically helping others and forgoing yourself can lead you to a point of giving so much to others, that it is taking from yourself. It also attracts users – and nobody deserves to be surrounded by such people.
Giving to others won’t fill the void – it will only serve to make it bigger.
After each day of serving the interests of others had ended, I overindulged in my own vices. Each night I knew that weed and alcohol were taking from me, and the only return they provided was the briefest of escapes and euphoria. As with any addict, the benefits of these substances were heavily outweighed by the negatives. Still, a guaranteed pleasure – even for the briefest of moments needed very little justification. Had a hard day? Drink. Had a good day? Smoke – you deserve it. I lived in the shadow of guilt and self-loathing, but for those small moments, I didn’t mind because it didn’t feel like I was me anymore.
In truth, whilst suicidal ideation is a daily occurrence - I have never been brave enough to follow through. I think that in some way, substance abuse may have been my own attempt at destroying my own life. It was almost as if I viewed the future health implications were going to be experienced by another self. That future self was an intangible presence; someone else, yet to exist. Let that older doppelganger suffer, whilst the present self attempted to maintain and pursue its wanton self-destruction.
I would love to say sobriety has a happy ending – but for me, this is only the beginning. Whilst it has made my thoughts and emotions unpalatably raw; at least sobriety has made me take ownership of my emotions. A year without substances should feel like an achievement; and yet, it is one of numerous aspects of life which once held merit, and now feels somewhat redundant. Prolonged depression has a nasty habit of sapping pleasure gained from numerous aspects of life. Whilst there is no more hiding amidst intoxication, my protracted loss of enjoyment in life has me feeling like I’m still living in a fog.
Recent discussions with my Doctor have led to them refer me for an Autism and ADHD assessment after scoring very high on each of the preliminary tests. I spent many months reading and discussing these two conditions. The symptoms and behaviours they described read like an excerpt from an autobiography. I found a deep sense of closure and understanding that was so stark, it was almost unnerving.
It helped explain why I’ve always had to work so hard to try and fit in, and why I felt so out of place and burnt out in the process. I began to understand and normalise why my concentration is fragmented, and why I only have a couple of interests that border on obsessions. Perhaps most important of all, it helped put a name to why I feel like I’m viewing life behind a glass screen – a spectator viewing a society which upsets and confuses me. Maybe this is why I continue to overindulge in fiction; to escape from a reality that feels like I have no place within.
The Doctor also recommended I be medicated once again for my mental health issues. Personally, I’d rather face these issues sober. Pharmaceuticals might be legal and justified by many as “self-care” or even deemed a necessity. Opinions may differ, but I personally believe that drugs can’t address, or solve root causes. Much like cracks in the walls of a house with weak foundations - plastering over the cracks hasn't truly solved the issue.
If all those squandered years of self-medicating taught me one thing, it’s that you can never escape from your demons. You must face them yourself – and I realise now that it's best to approach responsibilities in life with a sober frame of mind.
Sometimes it feels like depression and anxiety has left me broken and longing to feel normal. It would be easy to let it win, but there’s always something left that keeps me pushing forward. I guess I know deep down that I’m not done yet.
I’m grateful that writing remains a positive outlet, although it’s rather unfortunate that I’m most compelled to write when my head is so full of negative thoughts. Still, there’s relief in giving words to some of these thoughts – it lightens the load a little.
Thank you for taking the time to read this – I’ll play myself out.
Ed
Recent discussions with my Doctor have led to them refer me for an Autism and ADHD assessment after scoring very high on each of the preliminary tests. I spent many months reading and discussing these two conditions. The symptoms and behaviours they described read like an excerpt from an autobiography. I found a deep sense of closure and understanding that was so stark, it was almost unnerving.
It helped explain why I’ve always had to work so hard to try and fit in, and why I felt so out of place and burnt out in the process. I began to understand and normalise why my concentration is fragmented, and why I only have a couple of interests that border on obsessions. Perhaps most important of all, it helped put a name to why I feel like I’m viewing life behind a glass screen – a spectator viewing a society which upsets and confuses me. Maybe this is why I continue to overindulge in fiction; to escape from a reality that feels like I have no place within.
The Doctor also recommended I be medicated once again for my mental health issues. Personally, I’d rather face these issues sober. Pharmaceuticals might be legal and justified by many as “self-care” or even deemed a necessity. Opinions may differ, but I personally believe that drugs can’t address, or solve root causes. Much like cracks in the walls of a house with weak foundations - plastering over the cracks hasn't truly solved the issue.
If all those squandered years of self-medicating taught me one thing, it’s that you can never escape from your demons. You must face them yourself – and I realise now that it's best to approach responsibilities in life with a sober frame of mind.
Sometimes it feels like depression and anxiety has left me broken and longing to feel normal. It would be easy to let it win, but there’s always something left that keeps me pushing forward. I guess I know deep down that I’m not done yet.
I’m grateful that writing remains a positive outlet, although it’s rather unfortunate that I’m most compelled to write when my head is so full of negative thoughts. Still, there’s relief in giving words to some of these thoughts – it lightens the load a little.
Thank you for taking the time to read this – I’ll play myself out.
Ed
Congrats! That's a big achievement
Ella Spell
Well-Known Member
Congrats Raggamuffin. I'm so happy for you. You and your writing are both an inspiration.
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