Being married to a not understanding partner, Help!

Here is a resource that might be of interest.
The original was written in Norwegian and it has been translated (and corrected) by folks on this forum.

Just some practical advice. Keep your passport safe and departure plans secret.

Aspychata said:

Sometimes part of the *gaslighting * involves being nice one day and not nice the next day. This is actually called constant chaos because you never know what to expect and as a result you fall into learned helplessness which took me awhile to figure out. Often with gaslighting, more then one person will target you.

To me this is serious! I would stop going into denial and start getting hold of your family and get a plane ticket out. Also can you access your passport? If you have zero access to important documents and money, this is a serious attempt to manipulate you. And you will have to sneak around to finally leave. But at all times you should act like everything is fine. You also need a plan B. I speak from experience.

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I do have a passport.
I'm just confused. I'm thinking maybe he just have a bad temper where anything I say annoy him.
When I ask him something, instead of answering he just say dont worry. But many times I dont feel like I did worry, I just wanted to know.
When I try to explain why i acted a certain way he say I make excuses all the time and wouldn't take what I say seriously.
Anytime I bring up something that is true, a fact, he say i read too much and that I'm too concerned and he dismiss it.

When I was feeling sad a lot he started yelling at me telling me that he need to yell at me to make me tougher. I snapped once yelling back that hes my worst bully and his response was to bring up things I did in the past that offended his mother like me running off, to justify his yelling. Then he tell me he compares me to his mother.
He told me that too that he compares me to her when I started getting overwhelmed by being in the mall, and I wanted to leave because I felt like going crazy by all the sound.
He started getting on me telling me I'm too sensitive and his mother is not like this, that I seem to be weaker than the average female....

how did this person treat you before you were married that convinced you this is someone to spend the rest of your life with?

SofiaSwede said:

I do have a passport.
I'm just confused. I'm thinking maybe he just have a bad temper where anything I say annoy him.
When I ask him something, instead of answering he just say dont worry. But many times I dont feel like I did worry, I just wanted to know.
When I try to explain why i acted a certain way he say I make excuses all the time and wouldn't take what I say seriously.
Anytime I bring up something that is true, a fact, he say i read too much and that I'm too concerned and he dismiss it.

When I was feeling sad a lot he started yelling at me telling me that he need to yell at me to make me tougher. I snapped once yelling back that hes my worst bully and his response was to bring up things I did in the past that offended his mother like me running off, to justify his yelling. Then he tell me he compares me to his mother.
He told me that too that he compares me to her when I started getting overwhelmed by being in the mall, and I wanted to leave because I felt like going crazy by all the sound.
He started getting on me telling me I'm too sensitive and his mother is not like this, that I seem to be weaker than the average female....

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A good therapist well versed in domestic violence should help your situation, clearly you are at the threshold of decision as to stay or go. very good luck. I cant watch any longer.

Magpie said:

A good therapist well versed in domestic violence should help your situation

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That's a contradiction.

A good therapist would not work with a couple, one of whom is abusive. What a good therapist would encourage is that the 'victim' of the abuse enters into therapy in order to work on improving their self esteem/self worth with the aim of ending the relationship.

An abuser could enter into some sort of therapy programme, usually group therapy, available to perpetrators of domestic abuse, but unsurprisingly often not that well populated or adhered to if the perpetrator actually bothers to register.

Juliettaa said:

That's a contradiction.

A good therapist would not work with a couple, one of whom is abusive. What a good therapist would encourage is that the 'victim' of the abuse enters into therapy in order to work on improving their self esteem/self worth with the aim of ending the relationship.

An abuser could enter into some sort of therapy programme, usually group therapy, available to perpetrators of domestic abuse, but unsurprisingly often not that well populated or adhered to if the perpetrator actually bothers to register.

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you may have misunderstood me, I wasnt saying a good therapist would work with the couple.

Magpie said:

you may have misunderstood me, I wasnt saying a good therapist would work with the couple.

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I did read your post as working with the couple. Thank you for clarifying that you weren't suggesting couples therapy in a domestic abuse situation.

SofiaSwede said:

I do have a passport.

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What I meant is keep it safely hidden. Controlling husbands will sometimes take the passport so the wife can not leave.

SofiaSwede said:

I don't want to divorce as it goes against my religious beliefs, separation could be a choice though but I'm not at that point yet.
Somedays things are good between us. That gives me some hope.

I have not said much to my family, but today I told my mother. She said she will keep calling me everyday, and before I left my country she said if anything happens, my family will raise money to get me back.

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Sofia, I understand you have your religious beliefs. But all people make mistakes, and perhaps you didn't know this guy as well as you should have before you got married. Perhaps you even latched on to him because he was nice to you at first, and all us on the spectrum have difficulties getting along, so if someone is nice, it's easy to attach to them.

But you're only 19.. I can't imagine any God that would be so ruthless as to holding you to a marriage vow that would result in you living the majority of your life with someone who doesn't respect you, care for you, love you.. If your God is really not going to forgive you the mistake you made, and for choosing instead to live your life happily, free of the tyrant that is this man, then that is not a God worth worshipping.

I strongly feel like you might fit this video:

The whole video is interesting and imo worth a watch.. But starting around 9:26 is where I think she's describing where you're at. Where she starts talking about autistic women ending up in predatory relationships.

I'm afraid the OP's description of her husband easily places him into the category of those who don't want to understand, and instead default only to their way of thinking. With both an expectation and demand that you conform to their thought processes and not your own.

Or as we say in the states, "It's my way or the highway".

Under such circumstances I just don't think there's any truly practical advice much of anyone can give you to overcome your husband's mentality and persuade him to the contrary.

IMO separation is inevitable.

just came across this website. Hjem - Autismesiden.no which I expect you are able to read, I am not that familiar with sites in Swedish, but I am sure you have looked.

My abusive ex husband dismissed me the same way,by putting me down, by telling me not to worry, yelling and all that you are going thru except he didn't compare me to his mom. He didn't call me weak but he spent time trying to devalue me.

It clearly sounds like a extremely abusive relationship. Yelling is a form of emotional abuse. You now have to deal with the denial of thoughts that this can't be a abusive relationship. But young woman can be targeted because of your inexperience of relationships. You need to think about your plan of exit. Nothing will change, he will continue to be abusive because he thinks you aren't strong enough to leave, that's why he is programming you by telling you that you are weak. My therapist said l was lucky to escape because a majority of woman return to abuser. But it happened very late in life to me, no way would l return to that.

Just a quick note....It’s super important to be careful about advising someone to leave an abusive relationship. Leaving may trigger the abuser to desperation and more extreme control and abuse. In domestic violence situations the abused is coached through the steps of a safety plan. Our hearts bleed for victims and we want to fix the problem immediately however gathering possessions and papers, where to live, having a safe house in case the abuser becomes violent, how to support oneself after leaving (financial stress often sends one right back to the abuser and things get worse) etc., it takes careful planning to leave a nut job so the victim doesn’t get hurt.

Magpie said:

Just a quick note....It’s super important to be careful about advising someone to leave an abusive relationship. Leaving may trigger the abuser to desperation and more extreme control and abuse. In domestic violence situations the abused is coached through the steps of a safety plan. Our hearts bleed for victims and we want to fix the problem immediately however gathering possessions and papers, where to live, having a safe house in case the abuser becomes violent, how to support oneself after leaving (financial stress often sends one right back to the abuser and things get worse) etc., it takes careful planning to leave a nut job so the victim doesn’t get hurt.

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I do think that is when the husband already has the habit of physical violence.

you are on my mind and heart

Alexej said:

you are on my mind and heart

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Yeah, I know, right?.. Hope she's doing ok..

I have been hit and threatened with being hit when l just break up, l didn't even live with guy and l have dealt with violence. Some men do not handle breakups at all. I was older the second time it happened with a guy l was introduced to by a very long term friend. Women can suffer in all kinds of ways. This makes us extremely hesitant to date at all. I don't think a lot of men have any clue how abusive a good deal of men are.

Sadly, domestic violence is a leading killer of our men in blue also. Because the male just blows a fuse, and anyone can turn into a target.
My friend and l were helping a female who was in distress from her boyfriend, trying to get her away, and she turned on us and tried to hit us. This was at work establishment.

Aspychata said:

I don't think a lot of men have any clue how abusive a good deal of men are.

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I'm starting to think you might be right about that. I'm constantly surprised being on these forums how many of the women have been in physically abusive relationships.. Very sad and unacceptable.

Aspychata said:

My friend and l were helping a female who was in distress from her boyfriend, trying to get her away, and she turned on us and tried to hit us.

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And this reaction I've heard before too, and I very much do not understand the female mind when they do this.. Someone is trying to help. This is your chance to escape.. But instead, they attack their would-be rescuers? Do they think that is somehow going to save them a beating from their man later?! What? If anyone can explain this, I'd be interested to understand..

There are varied reasons for the woman being ambivalent or resisting the supposed rescue. I say supposed rescue, not referring to the specific case that was described, but in a general way, because as has been said, rescue or help has to be extensive and well planned, and to be successful, with the victim being fully on board.

Many, perhaps most, victims are not offered this. Currently, in UK, victims are often offered a hostel place away from where they know, maybe in a different parts of the country even. They may leave with nothing, and be without anyone or anything familiar. This isolates the victim, and exacerbates depression and other problems.

Women with children can't easily move into a hostel, and may be torn about doing so for all sorts of reasons. Realise that women (or men) in this situation will already be at a low ebb, with poor self esteem, depression and perhaps for some, many years of hidden abuse. In some cases they have escaped into the relationship or marriage from an abusive family, but it turns out to be no escape.

A lot of victims have been convinced by their abuser that the abuse is because they deserve it, and again, this may echo childhood experience of the victims. Their self esteem is worn down, they may be on sedative medications, or resort to self medication such as alcohol, trying to cope. What you should really be wondering, is, how do we let our society operate like this?

There are projects that are trying to build the support offered around the victim, offering them decent self contained accommodation quickly, locally, that is safe, as part of a detailed support package, this can work well.

There are also initiatives to work with abusers in long term ways, but this requires the abusers to wish to change. Many can, given the opportunity. However, there is a very serious problem of abusers who don't engage, and also of well-off, men in professional jobs who feel entitled to abuse and may be part of long-term, organised abuse of family members and others. This produces effects on the victims mental health and even their sense of a self, throughout their childhoods, where those who should most love and protect, have cruelly abused, and explained that this is due to the victims badness.

There are also situations where young women have an arranged marriage that may be to a cousin or close family member due to religious traditions, and where leaving would result in disgrace or reprisals. They may be brought from a sheltered background to another country, and their new husband may be for example, more westernised, reluctant to engage with them as a wife, having other sexual partners, while agreeing to tolerate the traditional bride, but the girl is used by the family as a servant or may be a virtual prisoner. She may see little choice, and that it is a situation she must cope with, hoping for him to change, this may lead to depression. The family may sometimes then instigate divorce citing her supposed problems, leaving her a virtual outcast.

The situation of victims of abuse isn't simple, and needs socially rooted solutions that are not left to the victims to achieve.