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AprilR
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  • I am on paid leave this week. But i got sick and could not even leave the house to get info on the courses i want to start
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thanks. I don't know what i will do job -wise. I feel like i am not capable enough and have to quit but i am also the only one my employer depends on now.
    M
    Misty Avich
    Illness always catches you at a bad time. When I went to Poland for a vacation I had a severe mouth thrush the whole time, that started 2 days before we flew out and started to heal just after we got back. The whole time I was ill and in pain, it was even too painful to eat or talk. And it was such a wonderful vacation, and we paid a lot of money for it.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That must have sucked! Thankfully i did not arrange to go anywhere for my paid leave, but i still feel it was a bit of waste. But maybe i needed that time to rest and not actually do anything.
    I just try to go through life without hurting anyone anymore. Since i caused so many people so many hurt.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I don't know, i hope so.
    M
    Misty Avich
    Sometimes manipulative people can bully us into thinking we're bad people who hurt everyone, and in the end we end up believing it ourselves. It's very soul-destroying.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I feel like i hurt a lot of people who genuinely liked me bc of my own self hatred. I don't hate myself anymore but it still hurts when i think of these people
    I saw an acquaintance today but could not say hi because of social anxiety and overthinking. We only see each other for work reasons anyway but i still feel guilty
    The new secretary quit. I feel melancholy even though she was only here for two weeks. I felt somehow connected to her. But in the end, connections come and go so fast.
    Judge
    Judge
    Ouch. April, in the 21st century that strikes me as a definite negative mark against your employer. IMO, they should know better.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    It's amazing how long you stuck it out. Do you think you are handling stress better, or you care less?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @Aspychata I think it is bc i learnt a lot and also care less.
    I noticed that i am always acting around my only friend. I cannot be myself with her. But i guess that's life. I just have to mask a bit around her.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I like her, but do i trust she will still be my friend even knowing i am autistic? Who knows
    Judge
    Judge
    I still find myself having to mask around my closest relatives- a brother and a cousin.
    Things i have been called at work: has the aura of a cartoon character, Princess, cute and naive. Idk what to think lol
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I honestly like that they see me that way. At least i am not seen as cold and arrogant, like i was in the past. But it also means i am not taken seriously
    kriss72
    kriss72
    Yes, better than cold and arrogant :) I really have mixed emotions about e.g. being called cute/naive (I'm 50+) - do you think we get extra support/help because we are seen that way?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    It might be so. I am not complaining as long as people don't actually treat me like an invalid though
    Growing up with overprotective and autism - ignorant parents makes you a child in an adult's body. At least i can live independently i guess. I will also start using my own credit card and taking care of my own finances. I hope everything goes well.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Sometimes i feel like i take things granted. Being able to talk, take care of my needs and even having a job is a blessing. That said my job is objectively a bad one and i have to quit sooner or later lol
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Congrats on doing so well. I was in bad jobs because my parents made me feel l was worthless as a female. It took a lot of work to get where l am. I really try at being my daughter's cheerleader.
    Life is okay, i have not smoked for a whole day. The challenge is enduring the stress on workdays
    tree
    tree
    Do you take any vitamin or mineral supplements?
    Or use caffeinated beverages to any extent?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Just vitamin C. I also drink a lot of coffee and tea.
    tree
    tree
    If you are quitting using tobacco, B vitamins can be useful.
    I hate not having anyone i can depend on and consult when i have problems. I just have to use my own better judgement and risk making wrong decisions i guess
    Judge
    Judge
    Guilt is a powerful emotion, often far removed from logic.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I would feel guilty bc he is a very calm person who never got angry and constantly praises me and my work. I have been fired from multiple places before this so feel like i "owe" my employer for having hired an autistic person (even if he is unaware)
    Judge
    Judge
    That's quite understandable...
    Woke up with a feeling of loneliness and apathy. Thought about my ex friend of 15 years who ghosted me.
    Tony Ramirez
    Tony Ramirez
    Also I am sorry that you were hurt and don't trust people. I use to be the same for years. I want to let you know that there are trustworthy people out there that are nice, don't judge or care if your autistic and are your true friends when you need them. It's hard to trust people after years being ignored but hope is not lost. I pray you find good people.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thanks. What hurts is memories mostly and getting too attached to them. I hope i do find good people but more than that i want to be someone who does not need or expect more than what people can give.
    Tony Ramirez
    Tony Ramirez
    I understand. I was hurt by my last only few friends over 20 years ago when they got married and straight up told me that they only wanted to hang out with couples.

    I backsliding for 15 years, bitter and angry. It took me a long time to trust people again but then I found a great community in both my church and yoga. I have more trust and true friends for real.
    I feel too tired and socially anxious to go clothes shopping. Maybe i should get into online shopping but i am scared to share my credit card number
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    I do almost all online. However, l use trusted known sites. Your favorite places maybe online. Also you can ask if the site is trusted. I just was going to purchase a Instapot, however l goggled the site's name, and it wasn't considered trustful.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    What bugs me is that most sites save your credit card number automatically when you have an account. Even when you disable it.
    I am too tired. Sometimes i wish i was old and could live in a care home or something.
    M
    Misty Avich
    Me too. I'd like to not have to work and just receive a state pension. But I'm not old enough. Nowhere near.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Me also. I have been retired, it's kinda of a change, but my last job burnt me out!
    I decided to not cancel my plans for taking a week off this month. Even my mom who is a perfectionist said i have the right to use my paid leave.
    kriss72
    kriss72
    In some places it is seen as a duty, not a right, to take paid leave. I believe it is better for one's long term well-being. Sounds like you are doing the right thing:)
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Lol my country is def. Not one of those places. Most workplaces don't ever let you take a paid leave, like ever.
    kriss72
    kriss72
    That is sad, and not good for anyone, I'm happy your workplace at least let's you take it :)
    Being okay with being disliked is so freeing. I never imagined i would be okay with it but i have come a long way
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    A success story!!
    oregano
    oregano
    Yep, once you figure out that nobody likes you or wants you around, you can stop trying to please them and live your own life.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @oregano : well i think i would still be concerned if everyone hated me but luckily this is not the case.
    So apparently the new employee has zero work experience. Fun times for me yet again. I hope my therapist can somehow help me navigate this quitting process.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    It does not help that i am apparently good at my job too, and my employer praises and relies on me a great deal. And it gives me a sense of self confidence.
    My usual Sunday evening anxiety is worse today. Just wishing i can make a clean escape from this job as soon as possible.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @Levitator: I had to google that lol. I just hope nothing bad happens before i quit.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    You aren't required to babysit your employer. I understand. But their economic survival isn't your responsibility.
    V
    VictorR
    You have fiduciary duties to your employer, yes, and to your clients yes.
    But your first and foremost duty is to yourself.
    I got asked again why i don't want children yet again by people who have 0 idea about my life and circumstances. I hate nosy people so much.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I also have to note that i don't live in the US, where there are more oppurtunities/help for autistic people. In my country, there is absolutely none.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @Misty Avich: you are not useless. Motherhood is one of the biggest decisions in the world, you can not take this decision back. People have every right to opt out of this.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    @oregano My point was that I consider it a poor excuse to have children. "Who will take care of you when you are old?" Me. I can take care of myself. My own health is my own business. If it deteriorates, so be it. Let me die.
    This responsibility of my job is too heavy for me. If i fail and someone files a complaint i am done. I feel so stressed i cannot breathe and i want to quit my job.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Yes, they might sue me for neglecting my duty, and file a complaint to the bar. (I am an attorney) neglecting duty is also a criminal offense that can be committed by attorneys and government officials
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Oh boy, Florida has tons of neglectful attorneys. Lol
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @Aspychata: Same here. I def. don't want to be one of them though
    I believe in free will, in terms that everyone always has room to improve and the chance to do so even in the most limited circumstances. It might be too idealistic, but i want to believe this.
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